How do I tell my friend for the 100th time that she isn't eating enough?
endermako
Posts: 785 Member
My friend is only eating 700 calories a day. I've told her time and time again that it isn't enough and she needs at least 1200. She isn't listening to me. Is there some key phrase that I can tell her that will make her listen? She went from 170 to 156 in a really short period of time (2 weeks) and I don't feel this is going to be sustainable in the long run. She was on a healthy normal rate of loss before this time period but she became impatient because the loss wasn't fast enough for her.
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Replies
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I assume you've already gone over all the health concerns with her.
If that didn't work, she probably won't listen no matter what.
She'll freak out and binge soon enough.25 -
firecat1987 wrote: »[ I don't feel this is going to be sustainable in the long run. She was on a healthy normal rate of loss before this time period but she became impatient because the loss wasn't fast enough for her.
you're right, it's not.
thing is, we live in a culture of instant gratification, right?
Amazon same day delivery, information in the palm of our hands..... sometimes it's difficult to be patient.
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If she's truly only consuming 700 calories/day it's certainly not sustainable, and she'll figure out why for herself sooner or later, if she doesn't get the message from you first. Since it's "worked" for her up to this point it's unlikely she's going to change course while she's getting the desired result (fast weight loss) without any consequences outside of being nagged by you (speculating to her perception of the situation).
Candidly, I've never personally encountered this scenario, a quick google yielded these seemingly pretty decent pages centered around how to approach someone with an eating disorder, focusing on phrasing and terminology that might be helpful in having a conversation with your friend that's constructive and demonstrative in leading her to realize how serious of a situation into which this can turn.
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/help/caregivers
https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/recovery-information/worried-about-friend5 -
You're right that a quick loss like that generally is not sustainable, so I wouldn't worry about trying to tell her anything else at this point. Eventually, she'll have to eat more, will re-gain and will have to learn the hard way. Good for you for trying, though. I know you're just trying to be a good friend.8
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firecat1987 wrote: »My friend is only eating 700 calories a day. I've told her time and time again that it isn't enough and she needs at least 1200. She isn't listening to me. Is there some key phrase that I can tell her that will make her listen? She went from 170 to 156 in a really short period of time (2 weeks) and I don't feel this is going to be sustainable in the long run. She was on a healthy normal rate of loss before this time period but she became impatient because the loss wasn't fast enough for her.
If she didn't listen the first 100 times, 101 isn't going to make a difference, I'm afraid. Even if you told her that she's losing muscle along with the fat (and the heart is a muscle) that probably won't make her stop, either.
Some people are determined to learn their lessons the hard way...
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i just wanted to make sure I wasn't missing any other options! I want my friends to learn from my mistakes and not to make them on their own.
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If you've already mentioned the loss of muscle, bone, hair, nails, and teeth, there's nothing you can do other than be there waiting(non-judgementally) to support when the symptoms kick in.
Maybe she'll be fortunate, and hit her goal weight before major damage is done.5 -
I just want to say you're a great friend worrying about her health the way you do. Sometimes people just don't want to listen and they have to learn for themselves. It stinks because that is so unhealthy and their are so many options to "diet" or eat healthy the right way and lose weight. Good luck with your friend, I hope she sees what she is doing to her body before it's too late.0
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her last response to me
"With Phen you can do a 500 to 800 calorie diet without risking your body eating your muscles. And the calorie calculator said that my net calories should be between 700 and 800 to lose 2 pounds a week."
I just can't..2 -
firecat1987 wrote: »her last response to me
"With Phen you can do a 500 to 800 calorie diet without risking your body eating your muscles. And the calorie calculator said that my net calories should be between 700 and 800 to lose 2 pounds a week."
I just can't..
So she's eating a VLCD and taking phentermine. You've given her your (not incorrect) opinion. It might be time to sit back and wait to be the shoulder she cries on when she's gained it all back in a few months. Not much else left to do.9 -
firecat1987 wrote: »her last response to me
"With Phen you can do a 500 to 800 calorie diet without risking your body eating your muscles. And the calorie calculator said that my net calories should be between 700 and 800 to lose 2 pounds a week."
I just can't..
With Phen, you're also supposed to be under a doctor's care and nutritional monitoring.
You can't just smoke meth every day and do a VLCD. Well you could, but then you'd look like someone who smokes meth every day.19 -
Buy her a hat and tell her it’s for when her hair starts thinning.22
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firecat1987 wrote: »i just wanted to make sure I wasn't missing any other options! I want my friends to learn from my mistakes and not to make them on their own.
Not being rude (honestly) but the bit about learning from your mistakes and not making their own brought a wry smile to my face. How many of us parents have said that to our children - so many times? As someone above said if she hasn't listened by now she is unlikely to again. If you are on your own weight loss journey and are successful then showing may prove better than telling in the long run - but if not, you are a good friend and will help her pick up the pieces when it all goes pear shaped.X11 -
She's going to have to figure it out on her own unfortunately. I had a friend who went on a VLCD of 900 calories a day with some meal replacement program. I believe she was under the care of some quack doctor but I'm not sure. She lost about 70 pounds, but huge amounts of her hair fell out, and eventually she binged on all the candy and everything she wasn't eating and gained all 70 pounds back. She tried to insist it was the only way, but I was pretty frank with her and told her if it was going to work, she would have stuck with it, lost the weight and maintained it, and kept most of her hair in the process. She knew there was another way, as I'm sure your friend does, but the allure of rapid weight loss at any cost is too much I guess. You just have to hope they don't do permanent damage to themselves.6
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snickerscharlie wrote: »firecat1987 wrote: »My friend is only eating 700 calories a day. I've told her time and time again that it isn't enough and she needs at least 1200. She isn't listening to me. Is there some key phrase that I can tell her that will make her listen? She went from 170 to 156 in a really short period of time (2 weeks) and I don't feel this is going to be sustainable in the long run. She was on a healthy normal rate of loss before this time period but she became impatient because the loss wasn't fast enough for her.
If she didn't listen the first 100 times, 101 isn't going to make a difference, I'm afraid. Even if you told her that she's losing muscle along with the fat (and the heart is a muscle) that probably won't make her stop, either.
Some people are determined to learn their lessons the hard way...
She will crash and burn sooner than later. Maybe that will improve her hearing.
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firecat1987 wrote: »i just wanted to make sure I wasn't missing any other options! I want my friends to learn from my mistakes and not to make them on their own.
Maybe SHE needs to learn from HER mistakes, just as YOU learned from YOUR mistakes....8 -
DomesticKat wrote: »She's going to have to figure it out on her own unfortunately. I had a friend who went on a VLCD of 900 calories a day with some meal replacement program. I believe she was under the care of some quack doctor but I'm not sure. She lost about 70 pounds, but huge amounts of her hair fell out, and eventually she binged on all the candy and everything she wasn't eating and gained all 70 pounds back. She tried to insist it was the only way, but I was pretty frank with her and told her if it was going to work, she would have stuck with it, lost the weight and maintained it, and kept most of her hair in the process. She knew there was another way, as I'm sure your friend does, but the allure of rapid weight loss at any cost is too much I guess. You just have to hope they don't do permanent damage to themselves.
Another big part of it is that the sorts of VLCDs that are great to go from 400 to 200 with very few side effects(because you really just need enough calories to have the energy eat that other person living in your skin) Just don't work for 20 lbs of weight loss.
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I understand your frustration. I am a recovered anorexic and currently eating VLC calorie as I have an illness that makes eating very difficult and I can't tolerate most food. I know what undereating does to your body but people who are doing it by choice usually think they are invincible even when they see what it is doing to me. Unfortunately they have to learn from their own mistakes.8
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Calliope610 wrote: »firecat1987 wrote: »i just wanted to make sure I wasn't missing any other options! I want my friends to learn from my mistakes and not to make them on their own.
Maybe SHE needs to learn from HER mistakes, just as YOU learned from YOUR mistakes....
She is so very lucky to have a friend that cares so much for her
I agree with the above statement though. Sometimes, the person needs to learn on their own, and that's ok! If she chooses to ask for your help - great! If not, you know you have already tried 100 times. It sounds like you've done your best. It's up to her to figure things out now, as difficult as it is for you (and maybe others) to watch.1 -
thank you all for the support. I told her to let me know when her hair falls out and when she is ready to do things the sustainable way to let me know.9
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I think it's nice you're trying to be a good friend but not everyone's body reacts the same. There was a point in my life where I was eating way under 1,000 calories a day, usually more like 500. I weighed 80 lbs at 5'5. Not choice, I was just super busy, dealing with life, and didn't make time to eat. I didn't feel hungry. And I had ZERO hair loss. Actually just the opposite I had way more hair than I even needed lol. Trying to shock her with scare tactics I think is a poor idea. I'd try to talk more common sense and be more empthathetic.32
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firecat1987 wrote: »i just wanted to make sure I wasn't missing any other options! I want my friends to learn from my mistakes and not to make them on their own.
I have learned over the years, that people tend to learn best from their own mistakes. It's a shame but it seems to be the way it is. You're a good friend for trying to help.3 -
I'm sure the bald spots, brittle bones, and vitamin deficiencies will eventually tell her...hopefully! If she won't listen to anyone, maybe she will listen to her body when she crashes from lack of nutrients. You are a great friend for caring!0
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A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. It's possible that your friend would listen to a perfect stranger. When someone is bent on an eating protocol, actually driven by it...friends and family have a hard time changing their mind.0
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Is there a chance she's suffering from an eating disorder? Maybe instead of persuading her to eat more, work with her in a different way to acknowledge she might need professional help for disordered eating.11
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fitoverfortymom wrote: »Is there a chance she's suffering from an eating disorder? Maybe instead of persuading her to eat more, work with her in a different way to acknowledge she might need professional help for disordered eating.
This.
Scare tactics don't work in general -- and they're not going to work on someone with an eating disorder who is convinced that they know *exactly* how much to eat, and what they'll deal with.
Plus, as someone in ED recovery, I'd say that if someone who had previous issues came to me and told me I was doing it all wrong, I'd be either ignoring them or flat out handing their *kitten* right back to them.0 -
Some people just have to learn the hard way.6
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Sometimes with friends, all you can do is be there for them when they need you to be there.2
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Encourage her to discuss her plan with a medical professional and have her health monitored.
https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10569458/why-eating-too-little-calories-is-a-bad-idea/p1
You can show her the above thread.
She may not take health risks seriously so will probably ignore any advice or concerns you have.
You've let her know your thoughts and that is all you can do.2 -
firecat1987 wrote: »her last response to me
"With Phen you can do a 500 to 800 calorie diet without risking your body eating your muscles. And the calorie calculator said that my net calories should be between 700 and 800 to lose 2 pounds a week."
I just can't..
It's too bad she's taking phentermine. This amphetamine-like drug will artificially suppress her appetite and postpone the inevitable binge.
Perhaps show her this thread:
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10329901/phentermine/p1itschanelle wrote: »I have seen a lot of posts on and off about this and other weight loss drugs. I can vouch that they absolutely work. I have lost a lot weight using Phentermine on and off throughout about a 10 year span.
BUT...
The weight doesn't stay off. And those side effects? They are real.
You could take Phentermine and lose the weight, but you might end up like me. I'm 30 years old, slightly over weight, and have moderate tricuspid valve regurgitation. As in, I might need open heart surgery because my heart was damaged by Phentermine. To be clear, I never took it for more than a few months at a time, was monitored by a doctor, and did everything "right".
My lifespan has likely been shortened to lose a few pounds. Weight I could have lost on my own with a little bit of gumption. It wasn't worth it.7
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