Frustrating Spouse
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IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »Bballnguitarz wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »Bballnguitarz wrote: »I had just a few thoughts I figured I would share. I've done the whole couple's counseling and individual counseling thing and a lot of people have said things I agree with, like how communication is really the key here. There are a few things though that maybe you haven't thought of that I figured I would share:
First, how would your husband feel if he knew you were airing your laundry on here, so to speak? I mean he's not here to defend himself or give us his side of the story so it's kind of hard to give advice from only one point of view. I've been told that you should always go to your husband and talk to them about these things, and never your friends or even strangers, because if you go to your friends you're giving your friends power in your relationship.
Example: Say you were to go to a friend and tell them about things that are going wrong with you and your husband. Then your friend gets this horrified look on her face and says " I WOULDVE LEFT HIM AGES AGO IF HE DID THAT TO ME!". Now, after talking to your friend, the problem suddenly holds more weight because you think your husband has been horrific to you. It exacerbated the problem and offered no real solution. Plus, now your friend will remember the horrible thing your husband did to you. Your friend's reaction held some power over how you're going to handle the issue now.
I know you had the best of intentions coming on here and seeking advice, but I think your husband would be really hurt if you go to him and tell him how a bunch of people on MFP think he needs to suck it up and get over himself.
My advice is to talk to him about these issues, and call him out on dodging the issue if he tries the whole "It doesn't matter because you're going to leave me". There's no room in a loving committed relationship for snide comments and dismissal of feelings.
Sorry for the rant but I hope this helps somewhat.
I agree and disagree. First, she is right not to tell her friends. Because 2 things happen. One, what you just said, and two, they realize blood is in the water and they want her man's meat, because they want a relationship.
Second, who is she going to tell? She needed to vent. These are people she isn't going to see in her real life.
Third, she's already been open and honest with him. Telling her to communicate with him is beating a dead horse. How many times is she going to have the same conversation with him?
She wants answers she hasn't been able to come up with herself.
I agree she needs to vent and talk with someone, but she should seek the advice of a professional if talking to him remains a pointless endeavor. My whole point of the first post was that 1) we're only hearing her side so she's going to get one-sided recommendations and 2) getting advice from strangers on the Internet could cause more harm to her relationship than good because it's easy to cherry-pick the advice we want to hear rather than the advice we need to hear.
Also just wanted to compliment you on your style of communicating. Well done. You can convey your ideas, disagree and do so with respect for the other person's point of view and see the points where there is agreement.
Very nice.
I was going to say the same thing to you as well. This topic I feel like was a sensitive issue to OP and I appreciated the fact that strangers could have an open discussion about it without resorting to attacks or anything. Thanks for the good convo!2 -
IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »There is absolutely nothing that cannot be fixed without having open communication, you know a real conversation other than 'wet towel on the floor', 'forgot to take out the garbage', etc.. You two still do that don't you?
Whaaaaaaat are you talking about?
Honest and open communication:
"wow, I think you're an *kitten*."
"so what? I am's what I am's. if you don't like it, tough cookies."
Not a thing changed.
The exact same conversation, like normal people:
"I didn't like the way you handled that. You sounded rude to that person."
"Oh, I didn't mean it that way."
Not a thing changed.
People don't change because of open, honest communication. The OP has had open and honest conversation about weight loss to her husband. People change because they want to change and also have the ability to do so.
Even men will tell you that words mean little to them. They "hear" you best through action. Guys? Is that true?
I have no idea what you are even rambling about.4 -
IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »There is absolutely nothing that cannot be fixed without having open communication, you know a real conversation other than 'wet towel on the floor', 'forgot to take out the garbage', etc.. You two still do that don't you?
Whaaaaaaat are you talking about?
Honest and open communication:
"wow, I think you're an *kitten*."
"so what? I am's what I am's. if you don't like it, tough cookies."
Not a thing changed.
The exact same conversation, like normal people:
"I didn't like the way you handled that. You sounded rude to that person."
"Oh, I didn't mean it that way."
Not a thing changed.
People don't change because of open, honest communication. The OP has had open and honest conversation about weight loss to her husband. People change because they want to change and also have the ability to do so.
Even men will tell you that words mean little to them. They "hear" you best through action. Guys? Is that true?
I have no idea what you are even rambling about.
What I mean is that I disagree that communication is the fix-all in relationships. A person can know that what they are doing upsets their spouse and do it anyway.
If communication was the fix-all, then no one would be overweight, be rude, leave the toilet seat up, have any addictions and infidelity would not exist. I can guarantee you that at some point, someone who continually leaves the toilet seat up has been told not to. And they still do it. Communication doesn't change people. People change themselves when they want to change.
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IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »There is absolutely nothing that cannot be fixed without having open communication, you know a real conversation other than 'wet towel on the floor', 'forgot to take out the garbage', etc.. You two still do that don't you?
Whaaaaaaat are you talking about?
Honest and open communication:
"wow, I think you're an *kitten*."
"so what? I am's what I am's. if you don't like it, tough cookies."
Not a thing changed.
The exact same conversation, like normal people:
"I didn't like the way you handled that. You sounded rude to that person."
"Oh, I didn't mean it that way."
Not a thing changed.
People don't change because of open, honest communication. The OP has had open and honest conversation about weight loss to her husband. People change because they want to change and also have the ability to do so.
Even men will tell you that words mean little to them. They "hear" you best through action. Guys? Is that true?
I have no idea what you are even rambling about.
What I mean is that I disagree that communication is the fix-all in relationships. A person can know that what they are doing upsets their spouse and do it anyway.
If communication was the fix-all, then no one would be overweight, be rude, leave the toilet seat up, have any addictions and infidelity would not exist. I can guarantee you that at some point, someone who continually leaves the toilet seat up has been told not to. And they still do it. Communication doesn't change people. People change themselves when they want to change.
Communication alone does not fix anything, you are correct. It IS a catalyst though. If you never communicate that leaving the toilet seat up is an issue, do you expect something to ever be done about it?4 -
IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »There is absolutely nothing that cannot be fixed without having open communication, you know a real conversation other than 'wet towel on the floor', 'forgot to take out the garbage', etc.. You two still do that don't you?
Whaaaaaaat are you talking about?
Honest and open communication:
"wow, I think you're an *kitten*."
"so what? I am's what I am's. if you don't like it, tough cookies."
Not a thing changed.
The exact same conversation, like normal people:
"I didn't like the way you handled that. You sounded rude to that person."
"Oh, I didn't mean it that way."
Not a thing changed.
People don't change because of open, honest communication. The OP has had open and honest conversation about weight loss to her husband. People change because they want to change and also have the ability to do so.
Even men will tell you that words mean little to them. They "hear" you best through action. Guys? Is that true?
I have no idea what you are even rambling about.
What I mean is that I disagree that communication is the fix-all in relationships. A person can know that what they are doing upsets their spouse and do it anyway.
If communication was the fix-all, then no one would be overweight, be rude, leave the toilet seat up, have any addictions and infidelity would not exist. I can guarantee you that at some point, someone who continually leaves the toilet seat up has been told not to. And they still do it. Communication doesn't change people. People change themselves when they want to change.
The word fix wasn't meant that it could fix your broken kitchen sink. I am not going to debate people changing cause... well I am not arguing with you the exact context I meant etc etc, it would be like arguring with the kitchen sink.1 -
george5911 wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »There is absolutely nothing that cannot be fixed without having open communication, you know a real conversation other than 'wet towel on the floor', 'forgot to take out the garbage', etc.. You two still do that don't you?
Whaaaaaaat are you talking about?
Honest and open communication:
"wow, I think you're an *kitten*."
"so what? I am's what I am's. if you don't like it, tough cookies."
Not a thing changed.
The exact same conversation, like normal people:
"I didn't like the way you handled that. You sounded rude to that person."
"Oh, I didn't mean it that way."
Not a thing changed.
People don't change because of open, honest communication. The OP has had open and honest conversation about weight loss to her husband. People change because they want to change and also have the ability to do so.
Even men will tell you that words mean little to them. They "hear" you best through action. Guys? Is that true?
I have no idea what you are even rambling about.
What I mean is that I disagree that communication is the fix-all in relationships. A person can know that what they are doing upsets their spouse and do it anyway.
If communication was the fix-all, then no one would be overweight, be rude, leave the toilet seat up, have any addictions and infidelity would not exist. I can guarantee you that at some point, someone who continually leaves the toilet seat up has been told not to. And they still do it. Communication doesn't change people. People change themselves when they want to change.
Communication alone does not fix anything, you are correct. It IS a catalyst though. If you never communicate that leaving the toilet seat up is an issue, do you expect something to ever be done about it?
In short, words lead to actions.0 -
george5911 wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »There is absolutely nothing that cannot be fixed without having open communication, you know a real conversation other than 'wet towel on the floor', 'forgot to take out the garbage', etc.. You two still do that don't you?
Whaaaaaaat are you talking about?
Honest and open communication:
"wow, I think you're an *kitten*."
"so what? I am's what I am's. if you don't like it, tough cookies."
Not a thing changed.
The exact same conversation, like normal people:
"I didn't like the way you handled that. You sounded rude to that person."
"Oh, I didn't mean it that way."
Not a thing changed.
People don't change because of open, honest communication. The OP has had open and honest conversation about weight loss to her husband. People change because they want to change and also have the ability to do so.
Even men will tell you that words mean little to them. They "hear" you best through action. Guys? Is that true?
I have no idea what you are even rambling about.
What I mean is that I disagree that communication is the fix-all in relationships. A person can know that what they are doing upsets their spouse and do it anyway.
If communication was the fix-all, then no one would be overweight, be rude, leave the toilet seat up, have any addictions and infidelity would not exist. I can guarantee you that at some point, someone who continually leaves the toilet seat up has been told not to. And they still do it. Communication doesn't change people. People change themselves when they want to change.
Communication alone does not fix anything, you are correct. It IS a catalyst though. If you never communicate that leaving the toilet seat up is an issue, do you expect something to ever be done about it?
No. But if you've told someone to put the toilet seat down 6000 times over the course of years, at what point is more communication going to solve the problem?
I think communication is a "take two asprin and call me in the morning" solution. It might work for some things, but not everything.
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IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »george5911 wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »There is absolutely nothing that cannot be fixed without having open communication, you know a real conversation other than 'wet towel on the floor', 'forgot to take out the garbage', etc.. You two still do that don't you?
Whaaaaaaat are you talking about?
Honest and open communication:
"wow, I think you're an *kitten*."
"so what? I am's what I am's. if you don't like it, tough cookies."
Not a thing changed.
The exact same conversation, like normal people:
"I didn't like the way you handled that. You sounded rude to that person."
"Oh, I didn't mean it that way."
Not a thing changed.
People don't change because of open, honest communication. The OP has had open and honest conversation about weight loss to her husband. People change because they want to change and also have the ability to do so.
Even men will tell you that words mean little to them. They "hear" you best through action. Guys? Is that true?
I have no idea what you are even rambling about.
What I mean is that I disagree that communication is the fix-all in relationships. A person can know that what they are doing upsets their spouse and do it anyway.
If communication was the fix-all, then no one would be overweight, be rude, leave the toilet seat up, have any addictions and infidelity would not exist. I can guarantee you that at some point, someone who continually leaves the toilet seat up has been told not to. And they still do it. Communication doesn't change people. People change themselves when they want to change.
Communication alone does not fix anything, you are correct. It IS a catalyst though. If you never communicate that leaving the toilet seat up is an issue, do you expect something to ever be done about it?
No. But if you've told someone to put the toilet seat down 6000 times over the course of years, at what point is more communication going to solve the problem?
I think communication is a "take two asprin and call me in the morning" solution. It might work for some things, but not everything.
Again, communication alone will not fix anything, in this you are correct. What it does do is bring the issue to the surface in a civilized manner and leaves the ball in the other parties court. It is then the responsibility of the other party to take action to resolve the issue at hand, or find compromise.
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george5911 wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »george5911 wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »There is absolutely nothing that cannot be fixed without having open communication, you know a real conversation other than 'wet towel on the floor', 'forgot to take out the garbage', etc.. You two still do that don't you?
Whaaaaaaat are you talking about?
Honest and open communication:
"wow, I think you're an *kitten*."
"so what? I am's what I am's. if you don't like it, tough cookies."
Not a thing changed.
The exact same conversation, like normal people:
"I didn't like the way you handled that. You sounded rude to that person."
"Oh, I didn't mean it that way."
Not a thing changed.
People don't change because of open, honest communication. The OP has had open and honest conversation about weight loss to her husband. People change because they want to change and also have the ability to do so.
Even men will tell you that words mean little to them. They "hear" you best through action. Guys? Is that true?
I have no idea what you are even rambling about.
What I mean is that I disagree that communication is the fix-all in relationships. A person can know that what they are doing upsets their spouse and do it anyway.
If communication was the fix-all, then no one would be overweight, be rude, leave the toilet seat up, have any addictions and infidelity would not exist. I can guarantee you that at some point, someone who continually leaves the toilet seat up has been told not to. And they still do it. Communication doesn't change people. People change themselves when they want to change.
Communication alone does not fix anything, you are correct. It IS a catalyst though. If you never communicate that leaving the toilet seat up is an issue, do you expect something to ever be done about it?
No. But if you've told someone to put the toilet seat down 6000 times over the course of years, at what point is more communication going to solve the problem?
I think communication is a "take two asprin and call me in the morning" solution. It might work for some things, but not everything.
Again, communication alone will not fix anything, in this you are correct. What it does do is bring the issue to the surface in a civilized manner and leaves the ball in the other parties court. It is then the responsibility of the other party to take action to resolve the issue at hand, or find compromise.
That assumes the other party wants to resolve the issue at hand and is willing to take action.
As I understand it, the problem is that the OP's husband's current communication style is to respond to any discussion of an unrelated issue with "you're just going to leave me anyway", effectively stonewalling productive resolution.0 -
flirt online to feel better about things and get the spark back in the relationship.2
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This would drive me insane. I'm sorry about what you are going through, OP.
Half of me thinks you should have a massive sit-down / intervention with him. Calm and to the point. Maybe counselling. Explain that what he „jokingly” does is serious and having a real impact on your life, with the potential of becoming the very driver for what he fears.
The other half strongly suggests stopping anything house-chore related and just going... „Hungry? Well better learn how to take care of that yourself, since you think I'm gonna leave you anyway”. „Oh sorry, I did a laundry load but just for me, if you think I'm gonna leave you anyway it makes no sense to put in the effort for you too”, „Hey I'm not even going to ask you about your day, since you think I'm gonna leave you anyway” (ok that's not a chore but you get the point). You know, just to put things into perspective a bit. Because it sounds like what he does is milking the guilt-tripping cow. And that's dirty.4 -
Bballnguitarz wrote: »I had just a few thoughts I figured I would share. I've done the whole couple's counseling and individual counseling thing and a lot of people have said things I agree with, like how communication is really the key here. There are a few things though that maybe you haven't thought of that I figured I would share:
First, how would your husband feel if he knew you were airing your laundry on here, so to speak? I mean he's not here to defend himself or give us his side of the story so it's kind of hard to give advice from only one point of view. I've been told that you should always go to your husband and talk to them about these things, and never your friends or even strangers, because if you go to your friends you're giving your friends power in your relationship.
Example: Say you were to go to a friend and tell them about things that are going wrong with you and your husband. Then your friend gets this horrified look on her face and says " I WOULDVE LEFT HIM AGES AGO IF HE DID THAT TO ME!". Now, after talking to your friend, the problem suddenly holds more weight because you think your husband has been horrific to you. It exacerbated the problem and offered no real solution. Plus, now your friend will remember the horrible thing your husband did to you. Your friend's reaction held some power over how you're going to handle the issue now.
I know you had the best of intentions coming on here and seeking advice, but I think your husband would be really hurt if you go to him and tell him how a bunch of people on MFP think he needs to suck it up and get over himself.
My advice is to talk to him about these issues, and call him out on dodging the issue if he tries the whole "It doesn't matter because you're going to leave me". There's no room in a loving committed relationship for snide comments and dismissal of feelings.
Sorry for the rant but I hope this helps somewhat.
I actually disagree very strongly with this "don't talk to your friends about marriage problems" thing. Sometimes an outside perspective from someone who knows you both is incredibly valuable. If your friends/ family thinks your partners behaviour is horrific then maybe it is? Particularly in abusive relationships, abusers will try and isolate a victim from friends and family because if they knew what was happening, they could interfere. In my personal experience having friends/ family to talk to made me realise that the way I had gotten used to being treated wasn't how a person deserves to be treated and they were very right. Anonymous forums can be valuable too for similar reasons, with even more of an outside perspective though of course you have to take a lot of it with a grain of salt.
In this case, though I don't think OP's husbands behaviour fits the common definition of abusive, it is certainly emotionally manipulative and comes from a place of fear and possessiveness. Whether or not he is doing it on purpose I think it's cruel and a pretty unacceptable way to treat a partner. He is an adult and should be responsible for his own feelings of insecurity, not using them as weapons to make OP feel bad or to deflect any criticism.2 -
Bballnguitarz wrote: »I had just a few thoughts I figured I would share. I've done the whole couple's counseling and individual counseling thing and a lot of people have said things I agree with, like how communication is really the key here. There are a few things though that maybe you haven't thought of that I figured I would share:
First, how would your husband feel if he knew you were airing your laundry on here, so to speak? I mean he's not here to defend himself or give us his side of the story so it's kind of hard to give advice from only one point of view. I've been told that you should always go to your husband and talk to them about these things, and never your friends or even strangers, because if you go to your friends you're giving your friends power in your relationship.
Example: Say you were to go to a friend and tell them about things that are going wrong with you and your husband. Then your friend gets this horrified look on her face and says " I WOULDVE LEFT HIM AGES AGO IF HE DID THAT TO ME!". Now, after talking to your friend, the problem suddenly holds more weight because you think your husband has been horrific to you. It exacerbated the problem and offered no real solution. Plus, now your friend will remember the horrible thing your husband did to you. Your friend's reaction held some power over how you're going to handle the issue now.
I know you had the best of intentions coming on here and seeking advice, but I think your husband would be really hurt if you go to him and tell him how a bunch of people on MFP think he needs to suck it up and get over himself.
My advice is to talk to him about these issues, and call him out on dodging the issue if he tries the whole "It doesn't matter because you're going to leave me". There's no room in a loving committed relationship for snide comments and dismissal of feelings.
Sorry for the rant but I hope this helps somewhat.
I actually disagree very strongly with this "don't talk to your friends about marriage problems" thing. Sometimes an outside perspective from someone who knows you both is incredibly valuable. If your friends/ family thinks your partners behaviour is horrific then maybe it is? Particularly in abusive relationships, abusers will try and isolate a victim from friends and family because if they knew what was happening, they could interfere. In my personal experience having friends/ family to talk to made me realise that the way I had gotten used to being treated wasn't how a person deserves to be treated and they were very right. Anonymous forums can be valuable too for similar reasons, with even more of an outside perspective though of course you have to take a lot of it with a grain of salt.
In this case, though I don't think OP's husbands behaviour fits the common definition of abusive, it is certainly emotionally manipulative and comes from a place of fear and possessiveness. Whether or not he is doing it on purpose I think it's cruel and a pretty unacceptable way to treat a partner. He is an adult and should be responsible for his own feelings of insecurity, not using them as weapons to make OP feel bad or to deflect any criticism.
I admit that when my therapist told me that talking to friends and family is a bad idea, that I was taken back because for years I shared your same sentiment about friends and family helping me to remain grounded. But as it was explained to me, it really does make more sense.
The problem is that if your friends and family hear all the negatives, they definitely don't forget, and they hold grudges much longer than you might. I don't want my family to look at my significant other and just think of past problems that we've worked out in private. I still think talking to friends and family about small issues is acceptable, but for really really personal and possibly relationship ending issues, I think a therapist or counselor should come into play. Friends and family are great to go to, but they're only hearing your perspective on the issue, your significant other isn't there to defend themselves, and in the end they'll give you one-sided recommendations due to the one side that they heard. It's not exactly fair to your significant other. It just seems like it'll cause more harm than good.
I agree with your statement that OP's husband sounds like they're being emotionally manipulative, but that's based on the information she's shared with us. I'd love to hear his side to see the full picture because I feel like there's more to it.1 -
Bballnguitarz wrote: »I had just a few thoughts I figured I would share. I've done the whole couple's counseling and individual counseling thing and a lot of people have said things I agree with, like how communication is really the key here. There are a few things though that maybe you haven't thought of that I figured I would share:
First, how would your husband feel if he knew you were airing your laundry on here, so to speak? I mean he's not here to defend himself or give us his side of the story so it's kind of hard to give advice from only one point of view. I've been told that you should always go to your husband and talk to them about these things, and never your friends or even strangers, because if you go to your friends you're giving your friends power in your relationship.
Example: Say you were to go to a friend and tell them about things that are going wrong with you and your husband. Then your friend gets this horrified look on her face and says " I WOULDVE LEFT HIM AGES AGO IF HE DID THAT TO ME!". Now, after talking to your friend, the problem suddenly holds more weight because you think your husband has been horrific to you. It exacerbated the problem and offered no real solution. Plus, now your friend will remember the horrible thing your husband did to you. Your friend's reaction held some power over how you're going to handle the issue now.
I know you had the best of intentions coming on here and seeking advice, but I think your husband would be really hurt if you go to him and tell him how a bunch of people on MFP think he needs to suck it up and get over himself.
My advice is to talk to him about these issues, and call him out on dodging the issue if he tries the whole "It doesn't matter because you're going to leave me". There's no room in a loving committed relationship for snide comments and dismissal of feelings.
Sorry for the rant but I hope this helps somewhat.
I actually disagree very strongly with this "don't talk to your friends about marriage problems" thing. Sometimes an outside perspective from someone who knows you both is incredibly valuable. If your friends/ family thinks your partners behaviour is horrific then maybe it is? Particularly in abusive relationships, abusers will try and isolate a victim from friends and family because if they knew what was happening, they could interfere. In my personal experience having friends/ family to talk to made me realise that the way I had gotten used to being treated wasn't how a person deserves to be treated and they were very right. Anonymous forums can be valuable too for similar reasons, with even more of an outside perspective though of course you have to take a lot of it with a grain of salt.
In this case, though I don't think OP's husbands behaviour fits the common definition of abusive, it is certainly emotionally manipulative and comes from a place of fear and possessiveness. Whether or not he is doing it on purpose I think it's cruel and a pretty unacceptable way to treat a partner. He is an adult and should be responsible for his own feelings of insecurity, not using them as weapons to make OP feel bad or to deflect any criticism.
You make an excellent point about abusive relationships however. That's definitely a time when family should step in. I'm not an expert in abusive relationships, but sometimes friends and family can see the abuse (physically and emotionally) even without having had a conversation about it.0 -
Bballnguitarz wrote: »
I admit that when my therapist told me that talking to friends and family is a bad idea, that I was taken back because for years I shared your same sentiment about friends and family helping me to remain grounded. But as it was explained to me, it really does make more sense.
The problem is that if your friends and family hear all the negatives, they definitely don't forget, and they hold grudges much longer than you might. I don't want my family to look at my significant other and just think of past problems that we've worked out in private. I still think talking to friends and family about small issues is acceptable, but for really really personal and possibly relationship ending issues, I think a therapist or counselor should come into play. Friends and family are great to go to, but they're only hearing your perspective on the issue, your significant other isn't there to defend themselves, and in the end they'll give you one-sided recommendations due to the one side that they heard. It's not exactly fair to your significant other. It just seems like it'll cause more harm than good.
I agree with your statement that OP's husband sounds like they're being emotionally manipulative, but that's based on the information she's shared with us. I'd love to hear his side to see the full picture because I feel like there's more to it.
My sister still "holds a grudge" against my ex for one callous comment about our dead cat lol, so I do get you but so what? Adult people can know negative things about a person and be able to rationalise that with the actual person who they interact with in real life. Maybe you have particularly protective friends, I don't know, but I will rant about my friends/family to my partner and vice versa sometimes and nobody has ever had any problems with any undeserved grudges.
I also think we don't need to hear his side to give her advice based on what she is feeling, if the OP (any OP, not you specifically OP!) is honest then it's fine to give advice based on whats presented since that is how things are from their perspective. If the OP is leaving things out or lying to threads/ themselves then the advice won't be good but you get out what you put in, so to speak. "Well we need to hear his side of the story" bugs me because it's just saying you don't trust the OP's description of their own reality. We can't have his side of the story, we will never get it, so saying things like that only serves to make the OP mistrust their own feelings.0 -
Just read OPs post, so not sure if anyone else has chimed in on this, but here are my thoughts as a guy:
Sounds like he has some self-image problems, which isn't surprising considering the way society constantly bashes men for being the root of all evils today. Further that with a low self-image b/c he isn't in the shape he may want to be, yet isn't willing to do the work fto change himself. Also, since it's easier for him to get you fat than it is for him to get himself skinny...no surprise he's saying these things to bring you back down.
I don't know you or your husband, so please change the following to fit your dynamic, but one possibility is some tough love toward him on this. Next time he comes out with that, don't take an angry tone, but be firm. Tell him, "No, I do love you and have no plans to leave. But if you think I am, that is obviously your problem. If you think I'm going to leave you b/c you're not the man I want or deserve, then get off your azz and be that person - b/c the unhappiness is in you. You need to be happy and confident with yourself - not bring me down to your level of misery and self loathing. Misery loves company, and while you're my husband and I'll stick by you in life and family, I'm not going to be unhappy with who I am just so you can tolerate being unhappy with who you are."
You should support him as your husband, and if he's happy and secure in who he is...you should be ok with that. Doesn't sound like he is, otherwise he wouldn't have this insecurity. And since he's not supporting you in who you are, I think it's completely fair to call him out on what you perceive as his attempt to undermine you loving yourself.3 -
I actually disagree very strongly with this "don't talk to your friends about marriage problems" thing. Sometimes an outside perspective from someone who knows you both is incredibly valuable. If your friends/ family thinks your partners behaviour is horrific then maybe it is? Particularly in abusive relationships, abusers will try and isolate a victim from friends and family because if they knew what was happening, they could interfere. In my personal experience having friends/ family to talk to made me realise that the way I had gotten used to being treated wasn't how a person deserves to be treated and they were very right. Anonymous forums can be valuable too for similar reasons, with even more of an outside perspective though of course you have to take a lot of it with a grain of salt.
In this case, though I don't think OP's husbands behaviour fits the common definition of abusive, it is certainly emotionally manipulative and comes from a place of fear and possessiveness. Whether or not he is doing it on purpose I think it's cruel and a pretty unacceptable way to treat a partner. He is an adult and should be responsible for his own feelings of insecurity, not using them as weapons to make OP feel bad or to deflect any criticism.
One must be cautious with whom they share.
A real friend will call you on your crap, not just say, "You go girl..." or "Man up and show her who is the boss..." or something equally one-sided and bad.
It's good to have that one friend who you know can be honest with you and show you your part AND give some helpful advice. Or even know when they don't know and just listen and empathize for a while.1 -
Bballnguitarz wrote: »
I admit that when my therapist told me that talking to friends and family is a bad idea, that I was taken back because for years I shared your same sentiment about friends and family helping me to remain grounded. But as it was explained to me, it really does make more sense.
The problem is that if your friends and family hear all the negatives, they definitely don't forget, and they hold grudges much longer than you might. I don't want my family to look at my significant other and just think of past problems that we've worked out in private. I still think talking to friends and family about small issues is acceptable, but for really really personal and possibly relationship ending issues, I think a therapist or counselor should come into play. Friends and family are great to go to, but they're only hearing your perspective on the issue, your significant other isn't there to defend themselves, and in the end they'll give you one-sided recommendations due to the one side that they heard. It's not exactly fair to your significant other. It just seems like it'll cause more harm than good.
I agree with your statement that OP's husband sounds like they're being emotionally manipulative, but that's based on the information she's shared with us. I'd love to hear his side to see the full picture because I feel like there's more to it.
"Well we need to hear his side of the story" bugs me because it's just saying you don't trust the OP's description of their own reality. We can't have his side of the story, we will never get it, so saying things like that only serves to make the OP mistrust their own feelings.
I don't think saying that will make OP mistrust her feelings, I just think it's very easy to mentally gloss over behaviors she's doing that might contribute to his behavior, if that makes sense. There's been plenty of times in a relationship where someone doesn't realize they're doing something hurtful to their significant other until it's pointed out to them.
So while his behavior as described is manipulative and avoiding the issue, I'm curious to hear what she may be doing, in his eyes, to make him feel that way. You're right though that we'll never hear his side and maybe this all is just a moot point, but I've come to really value hearing both sides of a story because it really points out just how much people unintentionally leave out.0
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