Frustrating Spouse

smolmaus wrote: »

Bballnguitarz wrote: »

I admit that when my therapist told me that talking to friends and family is a bad idea, that I was taken back because for years I shared your same sentiment about friends and family helping me to remain grounded. But as it was explained to me, it really does make more sense.

The problem is that if your friends and family hear all the negatives, they definitely don't forget, and they hold grudges much longer than you might. I don't want my family to look at my significant other and just think of past problems that we've worked out in private. I still think talking to friends and family about small issues is acceptable, but for really really personal and possibly relationship ending issues, I think a therapist or counselor should come into play. Friends and family are great to go to, but they're only hearing your perspective on the issue, your significant other isn't there to defend themselves, and in the end they'll give you one-sided recommendations due to the one side that they heard. It's not exactly fair to your significant other. It just seems like it'll cause more harm than good.

I agree with your statement that OP's husband sounds like they're being emotionally manipulative, but that's based on the information she's shared with us. I'd love to hear his side to see the full picture because I feel like there's more to it.

My sister still "holds a grudge" against my ex for one callous comment about our dead cat lol, so I do get you but so what? Adult people can know negative things about a person and be able to rationalise that with the actual person who they interact with in real life. Maybe you have particularly protective friends, I don't know, but I will rant about my friends/family to my partner and vice versa sometimes and nobody has ever had any problems with any undeserved grudges.

I also think we don't need to hear his side to give her advice based on what she is feeling, if the OP (any OP, not you specifically OP!) is honest then it's fine to give advice based on whats presented since that is how things are from their perspective. If the OP is leaving things out or lying to threads/ themselves then the advice won't be good but you get out what you put in, so to speak. "Well we need to hear his side of the story" bugs me because it's just saying you don't trust the OP's description of their own reality. We can't have his side of the story, we will never get it, so saying things like that only serves to make the OP mistrust their own feelings.

Motorsheen wrote: »

I like the title of this thread.

The next one should be titled:

Wet Water

Or....

Dishonest Politicians

jondspen wrote: »

Just read OPs post, so not sure if anyone else has chimed in on this, but here are my thoughts as a guy:

Sounds like he has some self-image problems, which isn't surprising considering the way society constantly bashes men for being the root of all evils today. Further that with a low self-image b/c he isn't in the shape he may want to be, yet isn't willing to do the work fto change himself. Also, since it's easier for him to get you fat than it is for him to get himself skinny...no surprise he's saying these things to bring you back down.

I don't know you or your husband, so please change the following to fit your dynamic, but one possibility is some tough love toward him on this. Next time he comes out with that, don't take an angry tone, but be firm. Tell him, "No, I do love you and have no plans to leave. But if you think I am, that is obviously your problem. If you think I'm going to leave you b/c you're not the man I want or deserve, then get off your azz and be that person - b/c the unhappiness is in you. You need to be happy and confident with yourself - not bring me down to your level of misery and self loathing. Misery loves company, and while you're my husband and I'll stick by you in life and family, I'm not going to be unhappy with who I am just so you can tolerate being unhappy with who you are."

You should support him as your husband, and if he's happy and secure in who he is...you should be ok with that. Doesn't sound like he is, otherwise he wouldn't have this insecurity. And since he's not supporting you in who you are, I think it's completely fair to call him out on what you perceive as his attempt to undermine you loving yourself.