I need some help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Okay. I'll be the unjaded voice of romance for a change. It is great that you finally got a chance to express your feelings and have them reciprocated. The feelings stirred up will settle again as time and reality march onwards.4
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You made a commitment to your wife and I believe you should honor that if you truly love her. You were able to finally tell your friend "K" you love her so hopefully that was enough to let her go.
If you do choose to go the other route and tell your wife, you should be prepared for the worst. Worst case scenario being you leave your wife for "K," but "K" stays with her husband. You and your wife end up hurt and alone and your kids are raised in a broken family.
The grass isn't always greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water it.9 -
Tenebrous_D wrote: »You guys are awfully cranky. At least the ones that are so eager to answer anyway. I appreciate the feedback, it just doesn't need to be so snide and judgy.
you're new to MFP, aren't you? :laugh:2 -
I had a similar experience...not so much the one that got away as the one the showed up one promise too late.
I am happily married almost 20 years, 3 kids, yadda yadda. Out of the blue at a random bar, I meet a guy who is recently divorced. Instant connection, instant want to take him to bed (which honestly, I never do), instant in all the universe in all of time and space this is the only guy I have ever wanted and I want him desperately, every inch, every breath, every second I want all of him. It seemed very mutual, and very obvious to anyone who knew me (I have no poker face)...when we left my husband literally said to me "if we weren't married, you would be going home with him tonight"...yes...yes, I totally would...never done that sort of thing before, but I totally would if I were invited...and if I were single and invited to live with him and be totally immersed in his life I totally would even though I never move fast at all in relationships.
It was just instant...we belong together...where have you been all my life...I was looking for you...sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone, and sometimes you don't know you were missing a piece of yourself until you find it.
But it doesn't matter, not really, because I'm not single. I made a promise to someone I care deeply about and the only people who can destroy my marriage is my husband or myself. I choose to keep my promise. I would not be me, nor could I sleep at night or respect myself at all, if I willfully failed to keep my word.
The boy and I have an epic friendship. I still get that jolt every single time I see him. I still care deeply about him and I always will, but it will never cross the boundaries of friendship.
Not all love has to be romantic, not even if it could be, friendship is valuable, treasure it.10 -
So, I have all this refreshed emotion again. It's not something I plan on acting out on, and I'm pretty sure she feels the same. To me it was "let me correct one thing I regret not doing while I have the chance". Was it the right thing to do? That's what I'm not sure about. Keep in mind this all happened less than nine hours ago, so I still really haven't processed it myself. Our lives were different because 20 years ago, both of us felt something, but never said it. Now, I don't know if I ever bring it up again, or reminisce more, or what. What if she's thinking the same thing and neither of us talk about it again, and we both want to. My head is a mess right now. Keep in mind the two of us are both happily married as funny as that sounds. I just don't know how to handle how much I care for K and always, always have. Does this even make sense?
Talk to your wife about your love for your old friend and desire to rehash it. If you can't bring it up to her then that is a sign there is something not good about all your thinking and reconnecting. Maybe go see a therapist to help work through your emotions instead before doing something.
IMO, If you guys had really had such a deep love you would have gotten together. Something held you back and maybe that was for the best. You made different choices. She made different choices. I would stop reminiscing and discussing what might have been with the person. You are where you are.2 -
Tenebrous_D wrote: »
Does anyone have any advice for how to handle any potential awkwardness when I see her?? I'm not leaving anybody.
Sort of like with confidence, fake it until you make it.
ETA: By that I mean, pretend it isn't awkward until it isn't awkward anymore.3 -
Cassandraw3 wrote: »Tenebrous_D wrote: »
Does anyone have any advice for how to handle any potential awkwardness when I see her?? I'm not leaving anybody.
Sort of like with confidence, fake it until you make it.
ETA: By that I mean, pretend it isn't awkward until it isn't awkward anymore.
i agree, if you are going to see her regularly, you either fake normality or you avoid seeing her again for another 20 years1 -
@Tenebrous_D ... I have some compassion for you, and maybe some thoughts beyond what you're getting here (which is bordering rude). I have been in this situation as well. Here is my take: we are lucky to know love. Some people don't. I think it's likely you love your wife and family deeply, and you sound like a good, honest man. I think there is love, and then there is LOVE (greater depth, something on a cosmic/spiritual level). I would hold and cherish this love you feel for everyone -- wife, kids, and K -- and know that you can have all of these feelings and not act on them. Continue to love K, continue to think about her, but hold this feeling only in your heart. In the meantime, continue on as the good family man that you are. We are allowed to have inner thoughts, inner emotions, inner questions of "what if?".... We are complicated beasts and you are proof of that. Be well, pal.
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Tenebrous_D wrote: »I totally get the make peace with it thing. That is option one by a long shot. The thing is, we're still friends that see each other on occasion. I don't want that messed up either.
As far as it being 20 years, we still know each other. We've been friends since we were in diapers. Plus, there's other reasons, interests, etc that makes me 98% certain we'd be compatible. The reality of it is that there would be too many other lives destroyed trying to rekindle something old. I just wonder how to handle things going forward.
Why are you even considering compatability If you are married?!?! If you are tempted to persue more than a friendship with K. then get her out of your life. Spend your efforts building the relationship with your wife so you don't want to be with another.5 -
Tenebrous_D wrote: »funjen1972 wrote: »Tenebrous_D wrote: »I totally get the make peace with it thing. That is option one by a long shot. The thing is, we're still friends that see each other on occasion. I don't want that messed up either.
As far as it being 20 years, we still know each other. We've been friends since we were in diapers. Plus, there's other reasons, interests, etc that makes me 98% certain we'd be compatible. The reality of it is that there would be too many other lives destroyed trying to rekindle something old. I just wonder how to handle things going forward.
Why are you even considering compatability If you are married?!?! If you are tempted to persue more than a friendship with K. then get her out of your life. Spend your efforts building the relationship with your wife so you don't want to be with another.
I'm not tempted to pursue more. The comment I was quoting was under the assumption that we hadn't seen each other in 20 years, which wasn't true. My compatibility consideration took me about 3 seconds while I was typing it and not a long drawn out thought process. It was simply to say that we're not strangers to each other. Make sense?
Not at all.
Question...what are the consequences of your wife just reading this thread?2 -
Tenebrous_D wrote: »funjen1972 wrote: »Tenebrous_D wrote: »funjen1972 wrote: »Tenebrous_D wrote: »I totally get the make peace with it thing. That is option one by a long shot. The thing is, we're still friends that see each other on occasion. I don't want that messed up either.
As far as it being 20 years, we still know each other. We've been friends since we were in diapers. Plus, there's other reasons, interests, etc that makes me 98% certain we'd be compatible. The reality of it is that there would be too many other lives destroyed trying to rekindle something old. I just wonder how to handle things going forward.
Why are you even considering compatability If you are married?!?! If you are tempted to persue more than a friendship with K. then get her out of your life. Spend your efforts building the relationship with your wife so you don't want to be with another.
I'm not tempted to pursue more. The comment I was quoting was under the assumption that we hadn't seen each other in 20 years, which wasn't true. My compatibility consideration took me about 3 seconds while I was typing it and not a long drawn out thought process. It was simply to say that we're not strangers to each other. Make sense?
Not at all.
Question...what are the consequences of your wife just reading this thread?
There would be a lot of questions, I'm sure. She also wouldn't be nearly as rude about it.
You really need a thicker skin, where's the rudeness? Just because people seemingly still aren't giving you the responses you want?3 -
She's on it.MistressSara wrote: »Ermagerd EVERYONE who has been in a committed relationship for more than a few minutes has been tempted by the lure of the could have beens and what ifs. This is so far from a unique situation as to be laughably cliche. Connected with an old flame on Facebook? That never happens.1 -
Talk to a therapist or talk to nobody about this. Some things in life don't need to be shared or need strangers opinions. You know what you need to do, so do it. Real simple stuff.3
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