The Healthier Me: My Journey from 600lbs

justintorres2012 wrote: »

justintorres2012 wrote: »

22 Days ago, in the middle of the night, I waddled to the bathroom. I did my business and looked into the mirror as I washed my hands. Out of breath and miserable, I yelled, "Stop!". I looked deep into my eyes and yelled it again. I got closer to the mirror, "What are you doing?", I said with tear-filled eyes. I stood there, mean mugging myself. Upset and just done, I pulled myself together and waddled back to my bed.
I struggled to get in the right position, so as not to die from being suffocated by my fat. I closed my eyes and could feel the four double cheeseburgers, fries, pizza, taco sub and what every else I ate that day just sitting there in my stomach, pushing on all my organs. It was a reminder that bingeing is so not worth it in the end. I laid there depressed, alone, morbidly obese, and ready for the day to be over. I remember drifting off to sleep with the image of my eyes in the mirror looking back at me; filled with so much pain, anger, sadness, and tears due to all my struggles.
Morning came quickly. Something was different, but could not pinpoint it. I was content, somewhat happy, and determined. Something clicked in my mind that made starting a new lifestyle easy and necessary. I knew deep in my soul and in the furthest part of my mind that it was now or never. Never, being the alternative, death.
I reached for my phone and called the mother of my child, who also happens to be my ex, my friend, and my current caregiver. I told her I was ready and needed to start today. I asked her to go shopping at this place in town called Power Plate Meals (PPM). They prepare healthy meals that are ready to go or frozen. They just so happened to be having a $5 per frozen meal special that week. I had her get me twenty some to get started.
The for two and a half weeks I eat 2 PPM, one cooked meal, and dried fruit for snacks a day. The PPM' averaged anywhere from 350 - 450 in calories. They were also high in protein. They were amazing! I was not sure if it was them or the connection in my head that was making me not hungry. The meal I cooked was frequently two Egg and Ham English Muffins. My total calories for the day were 1600 - 2200. I was getting through the days without hunger.
Now being 613 pounds, I can eat like 3,400ish calories in a day to lose the 2 pounds a week. But with the type of food, I had been eating that was not going to happen. I was too full! So I keep doing what was feeling right. I was drinking tons of water as well. Each day I felt lighter and healthier. It was getting easier to waddle around and stand up. I also have lymphedema of the legs. My right leg has a vast edema mass. My left leg is not as big. Both Legs are at the stage that is not reversible, but parts of the legs of started shrinking.
Due to the cost of the PPM (Not on sale $8-$10 each), I have since had to come up with my meals. With the help of my caregiver, I create a low calorie, high protein, and of course low-cost recipes. She prepares and portions them, so all I have to do is heat them up. I do help where I can when making meals; any movement is exercise.
So now I'm eating three of my Home Made Power Plate Meals (HMPPM) a day. The best part of starting with PPM is that the containers they come in are reusable. So it feels like I'm still doing them and it's very convenient. The HMPPM calorie range is 300 - 500. They are also high in protein. I am working at getting the sodium down in each meal as well, but one thing at a time. My Crust-less Pot Pie is huge and filling and comes in at a whopping 300 calories!
Ok, well that is my story up to now. It's Day 22, and I'm feeling amazing. I don't know how much I have lost, but it feels and looks like 30-40 pounds. I have an appointment on the 27th of September, 2018. I am so excited to go. Not sure if I'm more excited that I will be getting out of my house that I have been a prisoner in for the past nine months or seeing how much I have lost. I have come to learn that it can't be about the number. We put so much stress on ourselves because of that number. It needs to be about the way you feel.
I know I'm only 22 days in, but something is different this time around. I have woke up every day feeling better. Feeling like my life is worth living. I wake up every morning excited to be alive. Being able to move around without almost passing out from not being able to breathe. I know I'm still 500 some pounds, but every pound I drop gives my body a break from caring around over half a ton of fat.
I plan to update my story as my Journey to The Healthier Me continues...

justintorres2012 wrote: »

My Journey continued: Day 32

I laid awake on the night of day 30. My doctor's appointment was in the morning. I am naturally a night owl, so it was already hard enough to sleep. I kept running through the past week in my head. I still couldn't believe how fun and easy this has been. Not "easy" as in I'm not putting in the work, but how just changing the type of food I was eating so not to have that "need more" feeling.

I am an emotional eater, always have been. I enjoy food! I enjoy how it feels in my mouth, how it tastes to my tongue and the feeling of it going down. I love the mental... for lack of a better word "Orgasm", that food gives me. Food was always there for me when I felt nothing else was. It gave me that comfort. That feeling of wholeness... even after binging on several double cheeseburgers and semi regretting the stomachache. Food made everything better.

Now somehow its still doing all that, but in a different way. My relationship with food has changed. I'm having fun coming up with new recipes that are low calories and high protein. It's like a challenge. This has allowed me to eat bigger portions and not get extra calories. It is also helping to fill me up.

When I woke up that morning of Day 1 and knew I was ready! Everything had clicked, every day after was like waking up on some kind of happy drug. I was full of energy, my stomach didn't feel like crap. My head was clear and my energy increased more and more each day.

I was nervous about the appointment. I knew I had been telling myself its not about the number this time around, which I fully believe, because how happy I feel. I was just worried about seeing the number and it changing everything, like it use too. I actually logged on to my health to cancel my appointed because that's how scared I was to see the number. I didn't cancel...

After tossing and turning for a few hours I woke up on Day 31. Got ready and walked out of my house for the first time in over a month. It was easier then it had been a month and a half ago. First good sign! I have been trapped in my house for the past ten months, except for going to the hospital or clinic. This time I didn't have a panic attack from being outside. I got in the car, and my daughter shut the door. I fit better in the car than before, a second good sign. "Are you ready?" she asked. "here we go!," I said. Off to the clinic, we went.

"Justin?" My doctor's nurse asked as she came to get me out in the waiting area. Her and my Daughter walked, and I still waddled to the first room where all my nightmares started, The Weight Room! "Please step on the scale," she nicely asked. "No, you step on the scale!" I thought to myself as I step onto the "Livestock" scale I like to call it. I looked down to read the number.

Let's take a second to reflect... I weighed 613lbs. The Fitness Pal app said that if I kept eating like this, I would weigh 582lbs. So I was planning on losing at least 20lbs, no more than 30lbs. I kept telling myself that It's not about the number, it's about how I feel, and I feel amazing! So no matter what, it's just a number!!!!!

The scale read 527! I was in shock so was my daughter. Of course, the nurse didn't know what was going on and why I looked like I saw a ghost and was speechless. We walked/waddled to the appointment room. She took my vitals and said my doctor will be right with me. She left, and I turned to my daughter... "Um, how much did it say?" I was in disbelief. I mean in 2007 when I was younger and had lost 100lbs in a month, and a week, I had been working out every day and basically starving. So believing that I lost 86lbs was unbelievable with just eating food.

My doctor walked in not really looking at me and started talking about she had found something that might help me since it was getting harder for me to get into the clinic because of my size. She turned and looked at me, and I had the biggest smile on my face. "You didn't see the cart yet did you?" I said. She looked down at the chart, then at me, then did a double take! That moment alone was worth counting calories for the month.

It was hard not making Day 31 about the numbers. It was worth it for the day tho. I am motivated more than ever. I am excited to see where my journey takes me this month. This month I plan on adding walking to my daily goals and coming up with more low-calorie meals! My next appointment is on October 29th. I will not be weighing myself until then.

Thank you to everyone that has been following me. It has given me motivation and an overwhelming feeling of belonging. Remember we all can do this and to keep it about the way you feel. Its ok to slip and fall, just get right back up and keep walking.

More to come throughout the month! I'm not sure how the best way to update. Hope this is it. You can follow my personal blog as well. I will be updating more there. https://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/justintorres2012

My Journey Continued: Day 63

It's been a month since my last doctor's appointment. I was able to sleep pretty well last night. I have to admit that I was a little excited to see how much weight I lost. I know I said, "It's not about the number this time around," but It's hard not to make it all about the number on the day you have to get on the scale! LOL

So I got ready! Jumped into the car, well truthfully I put one leg in, waited a sec, put the other one in and shut the door. Which that in itself set the tone for the rest of the day. I have not been able to shut my door in over a year. Let alone fit in the seat without being crushed. It was still a tight fit, but I'll take it over the one person holding me in and the other one pushing the door shut!

It was so beautiful outside. Everything looked like a dream, not real. I have only been outside a handful of times this year. So I kinda took it all in on the ride to the clinic. We pulled up, and I was able to get out of the car by myself and make it all the way to the big person's chair. You know, the double chair! The one that always has a very nice elderly women in it, cleaning out her purse, and you're too scared to ask her to move, so you try to sit in one of those skinny people chairs, while trying not to get stuck, and then just sit on the arms of two skinny people chairs put together and pray no one sees you and they call your name fast! Yeah, that one! True store...

The nurse comes out and calls me back. She herds me to the livestock scale. Did I mention that since I have lymphedema of the leg, I can only buy a scale that is made for weighing livestock?! lol Anyway... I waddled, a little less than the last time, into the weighing room and get on the scale. I couldn't look down... I was so excited... The screen read................



Stay tuned for part 5 of "As the World Turns"...



"Five hundred twenty-six point five pounds."

Yes... Half of a pound... This just can't be... I was going over the numbers in my head. Yup, Half a pound. I added, subtracted, added again, carried some kind of remainder, did some fancy new math my daughter's school taught her, then she had to teach me because I could not help her with her math. Same thing...Half a pound. I have to admit for a brief second I was not happy. I wanted to implode the world with my mind, or at least the scale. That quickly went away though. Normally I would have been a mess. Depressed, angry, binging and giving up. I had to remind myself that it's not about the number, but how I feel, and I felt amazing.

I continued my appointment, talked with my doctor, and we are going to test a few things out. I'm eating mostly the same stuff. I have been coming up with a lot of recipes with artificial sweeteners in it for snacks. So going to cut back on that and also try to eat closer to the number of calories that I should be eating. The other thing I'm going to do is really try to increase my walking. Because I haven't yet, and I would like that to happen. I want to get out of my house!

I just want to let everyone know, that if you really make it about the way you feel and not about the number. It will make moments like this not get you down. Also, it's ok to have a moment of disappointment. Just take a look at what you have improved. Take the time to figure out what it's going to take to get you back on track.

Also on the positive side, I did not gain anything back! Go Me!

Again, Thank you to everyone that has been giving me encouragement! I'm making an attempt to blog more of my journey on MyFitnessPal blog if you want to follow: https://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/justintorres2012 Otherwise, I will update here in a month!

My Journey Continued: Day 170

Oh well hello there. Where have I been? Did I give up? How have the last three months been? Am I still alive? I read through the comments and was motivated to write an update. Also, thank you to all that commented and were cheering me on to keep going. The comments did reach me!

Where to start? The holidays were rough! Thanksgiving, forget about it! Christmas, I don't know what you're talking about! The only thing I felt that I succeeded at was logging my calories daily. Which by the way after talking to my doctor, she wanted me to try to eat 2200 calories. That didn't go over well. I felt very tempted daily to eat more when I was eating that much.

Like I said before the losing no weight in October did a number on my subconsciousness. It did affect me more then I was letting on. I just felt like I had done all that work and nothing. So why do anything? Thankfully I didn't take it that far, but I did seem to give in easier because of it. Even though I am more in tune with the food and my triggers, it was as if I was self-sabotaging myself. Clearly, I have issues that I need to figure out... sure wish I would not have given up on therapy all those years ago. Sigh... I'm sure I blame the therapist or some healthier person than myself in the waiting room.

Life doesn't stop for you, so all you can do is take it day by day and fix what you can fix at the moment. Did that even make sense?

Two Thousand and nineteen! Bring it! No, not really... was feeling beat up and defended. Then, I got the news that my long-time Doctor left to greener pasters and I was left to find someone new. Really Doctor! Kick me when I'm down! How dare you! We were on this journey together! Here I ordered you a pizza, from The D word, alongside mine... oh wait you're gone...don't mind if I do! As you can tell I'm not good with change and have anxiety dealing with new doctors... just another excuse right? lol

Well, back to my store. I knew I had to do something. I was not going to let all these entering calories go to waste. I was, for the most part, staying within my calorie range to maintain my weight. Every few days I would go way over, but then get right back to the grind. I was not giving up I would get back on the horse. I still have not added an extra exercise routine. I am just moving my big old body around frequently. I make an effort not to get everything I need all at once so that I have to get up regularly. I eat my meals standing up more often than not. It's the little things.

"Ya, ya we want to know about the weight"

I still have not been to the doctor yet, I do have to choose a new doctor this week. They called and harassed me, so I decided it was time. I knew in January that I need to know at least where I was weight wise so MFP would stop telling me to step on a scale. (Not mad at ya though) I decided that I was going to need to invest in a "Livestock" scale. No seriously, an actual baby calf, hog, large dog vet scale! I can't make this stuff up. Because of the Lymphedema in my legs, I can't close them enough to get on a regular scale, so I got the next best thing. I had an option to add the incloser gate to keep the Livestock from moving around too much...I passed on that. I clicked buy now and poof a few days later it arrived.

Side note, My daughter and her boyfriend moved out towards the end of January. I found it easier to stay in my new lifestyle when they did not bring in all the unhealthy foods and snacks. So I give you permission to kick out all the people you live with that like to bring home pizzas, burgers, and snacks. You're welcome!

Moment of truth... I set up the scale. It legitimately took up half my kitchen. I looked at it and contemplated my next meal. I kinda felt like I was getting ready to win a blue ribbon at the state fair, do they still do that? I stepped up on the platform. The vast number display that I placed on the counter began evaluating my future. It reminded me of the biggest loser counter, well at least from the first season, haven't watched that show since, it made me feel sad, depressed and winded. As it slowed down and came to a crawl and bounced back and forth from number to number, my heart stopped. I looked around as if I had onlookers, you know all the people at the state fair, that wanted to see if I was going to bring home the prize.

"Wow, ok..."

Five hundred and nine, point eight pounds! My first thought was, nope try again. I knew for sure I had gained weight. However, it kept reading the same number... I did crack a smile.

All I knew at this point was that I lost weight. Good, Happy. I went to MFP and entered my number. One hundred and three pounds lost, Yass Honey! So that is about an average of one to two pounds a week since the end of November. It made me feel good. It made me feel like even though it was not a massive eighty-five pounds like the first month it was doable. I'm doing it the healthy way.

I am in a better place mentally and do feel the connection has restored in my mind. I did have to yell at myself in the mirror again, so maybe it is a thing.

Thank You all, and I Know I say this all the time, but I will try to keep writing here an in my blog. I do enjoy writing. I'm working on a fantasy novel at the moment and getting my restaurant fixed up, so any positive energy sent my way will be useful! Until next time... Never get off the treadmill of life...