Live with someone first or just take the dive?

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  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
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    Because I'm a Christian I would not live with someone before marriage.

    I'm really not picking a fight, I am a Christian (conservative parents, father is a pastor, and mom taught at Christian schools) and I absolutely would live with someone before marriage. "Christian" has nothing to do with it.

    I respect your opinion but for me it does. However I'm not going to judge anyone else, Christian or not, if they choose to live together before marriage. :flowerforyou:
  • ohwhataday
    ohwhataday Posts: 1,398 Member
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    I pretty much lived with my husband after I met him. [almost..] I was at his house nearly every night. Couldn't get enough of each other!!! I definitely recommend it. Maybe not as soon as you meet.. that's only for special cases like mine. haha. ;]
  • liftingbro
    liftingbro Posts: 2,029 Member
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    Statistics show the couples that live together get divorced at a higher rate than those that don't. Also, only 50% of couples that move in together end up getting married.

    This statistic, while true ,is flawed proof that living together before marriage leads to a higher rate of divorce. The couples who don't choose to live together before marriage are typically devoutly religious. Most of the religions which condemn living together also condemn divorce. Therefore, the same group of people who chooses not to live together first, will also stay in a bad / unhappy marriage.

    I am def in the live together first camp

    Well, to be more correct from a Catholic POV, there is no divorce. Divorce is a civil happening, you can get an annulment but that's not always the case. To get an annulment you have to prove that the marriage was defective in form or contract.

    I think there is a lesser rate of divorce among active Catholics because they go through the premarital counciling and because Marriage is a sacrament (one of 7 sacred rites for a Catholic) and considered an event for the whole church. That's just my opinion. There is this thing among non-Catholics that make them think that the divorce rate is lower because marriage is condemned but my experience with other Catholics I know is that it has more to due with people being on the same spiritual plane and their faith in God to be able workout the tough times.
  • Lyadeia
    Lyadeia Posts: 4,603 Member
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    I don't think you need to if you have a long enough relationship to learn all about the person (which IMHO you should be doing before you decide to get married to begin with). I just don't think that there should be any surprises whether you live together or not.

    That being said, I lived with my husband for a few months before we got married. But, this was after we were engaged. We wanted to buy a house when we were married, but when we started looking, we found this awesome one that we are in now for a low price and couldn't pass it up.

    My mom and dad didn't live together, and they have been happily married since 1972.

    I just think that you should find out issues before you get married whether you live together or not.
  • Lleldiranne
    Lleldiranne Posts: 5,516 Member
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    I researched this a few years ago for a class (it's been about 10 or 12 years). There were multiple studies that showed that living together before marriage had NO CORRELATION with lower divorce rates. In other words, people who lived together before marriage divorced just as often as those who didn't.
    Take it for what you will.
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
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    Statistics show the couples that live together get divorced at a higher rate than those that don't. Also, only 50% of couples that move in together end up getting married.

    This statistic, while true ,is flawed proof that living together before marriage leads to a higher rate of divorce. The couples who don't choose to live together before marriage are typically devoutly religious. Most of the religions which condemn living together also condemn divorce. Therefore, the same group of people who chooses not to live together first, will also stay in a bad / unhappy marriage.

    I am def in the live together first camp

    Well, to be more correct from a Catholic POV, there is no divorce. Divorce is a civil happening, you can get an annulment but that's not always the case. To get an annulment you have to prove that the marriage was defective in form or contract.

    I think there is a lesser rate of divorce among active Catholics because they go through the premarital counciling and because Marriage is a sacrament (one of 7 sacred rites for a Catholic) and considered an event for the whole church. That's just my opinion. There is this thing among non-Catholics that make them think that the divorce rate is lower because marriage is condemned but my experience with other Catholics I know is that it has more to due with people being on the same spiritual plane and their faith in God to be able workout the tough times.

    Okeyyyy..... question: If divorce is a civil happening, isn't marriage too? I mean, just because you stand in a church and say some words doesn't mean it's any more legally binding than a divorce.

    FWIW I don't understand Cahtolocism and I'm agnostic. I was raised by weirdo hippies that believe in reincarnation, too. But seriously, for the record, I don't understand how a marriage is any less of a civil matter than divorce.
  • reenakainth
    reenakainth Posts: 71
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    I never lived with my hubby and i must say im very happy....we have been married a year next week and its fab ....i was really looing forward to marriage and then living together....living together first has its plus points i must say but i got lucky....
  • Lyadeia
    Lyadeia Posts: 4,603 Member
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    Statistics show the couples that live together get divorced at a higher rate than those that don't. Also, only 50% of couples that move in together end up getting married.

    This statistic, while true ,is flawed proof that living together before marriage leads to a higher rate of divorce. The couples who don't choose to live together before marriage are typically devoutly religious. Most of the religions which condemn living together also condemn divorce. Therefore, the same group of people who chooses not to live together first, will also stay in a bad / unhappy marriage.

    I am def in the live together first camp

    Well, to be more correct from a Catholic POV, there is no divorce. Divorce is a civil happening, you can get an annulment but that's not always the case. To get an annulment you have to prove that the marriage was defective in form or contract.

    I think there is a lesser rate of divorce among active Catholics because they go through the premarital counciling and because Marriage is a sacrament (one of 7 sacred rites for a Catholic) and considered an event for the whole church. That's just my opinion. There is this thing among non-Catholics that make them think that the divorce rate is lower because marriage is condemned but my experience with other Catholics I know is that it has more to due with people being on the same spiritual plane and their faith in God to be able workout the tough times.

    I am not a Catholic, I am a non-denominational Christian. And I totally agree with you, not just among Catholics, but among Christians who are strong in their faith in the Bible (I guess the term "fundies" comes to mind, but that sounds like such a put down that I hate it!)

    Justin and I went through marriage counseling with my Pastor back in April and May this year where we went over differences and identified issues that possibly wouldn't have been uncovered until we "took the dive" other wise had we never lived together. But it just goes back to me saying that you should deal with issues and differences before hand, and it really doesn't have to mean living with each other to do it.

    As far as my personal convictions on the issue from my faith standpoint, I believe that living together can bring about unnecessary temptations for other things that the Bible says are wrong, but I don't see that simply living in the same house before being married is wrong. That's just my opinion, and I agree to disagree with people of other opinions.
  • Lyadeia
    Lyadeia Posts: 4,603 Member
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    Statistics show the couples that live together get divorced at a higher rate than those that don't. Also, only 50% of couples that move in together end up getting married.

    This statistic, while true ,is flawed proof that living together before marriage leads to a higher rate of divorce. The couples who don't choose to live together before marriage are typically devoutly religious. Most of the religions which condemn living together also condemn divorce. Therefore, the same group of people who chooses not to live together first, will also stay in a bad / unhappy marriage.

    I am def in the live together first camp

    Well, to be more correct from a Catholic POV, there is no divorce. Divorce is a civil happening, you can get an annulment but that's not always the case. To get an annulment you have to prove that the marriage was defective in form or contract.

    I think there is a lesser rate of divorce among active Catholics because they go through the premarital counciling and because Marriage is a sacrament (one of 7 sacred rites for a Catholic) and considered an event for the whole church. That's just my opinion. There is this thing among non-Catholics that make them think that the divorce rate is lower because marriage is condemned but my experience with other Catholics I know is that it has more to due with people being on the same spiritual plane and their faith in God to be able workout the tough times.

    Okeyyyy..... question: If divorce is a civil happening, isn't marriage too? I mean, just because you stand in a church and say some words doesn't mean it's any more legally binding than a divorce.

    FWIW I don't understand Cahtolocism and I'm agnostic. I was raised by weirdo hippies that believe in reincarnation, too. But seriously, for the record, I don't understand how a marriage is any less of a civil matter than divorce.

    Well, I as I said before I am not Catholic, but since I am Christian I will give my particular answer. The Bible states that the marriage of a man and a woman is a sacred thing where the two become one flesh and are bound together. It also states that God creates marriage. This alone makes it not just a civil agreement in the Christian faith because a civil agreement is something manmade whereas we believe that an honorable marriage (one that follows the guidelines in the Bible) is God-made.
  • juliecat1
    juliecat1 Posts: 3,455 Member
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    Thats more complicated to answer now that I have kids. Before kids.... heck yes!! Now though... I dunno. I think it would be good for them to know what our daily lives would be like because sometimes it gets craaaazy.
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
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    My husband and I lived together first, and he was the only guy I ever lived with. I couldn't imagine getting married without living together.
  • liftingbro
    liftingbro Posts: 2,029 Member
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    Okeyyyy..... question: If divorce is a civil happening, isn't marriage too?
    No, marriage is one of the seven sacraments, a majo rite to Catholics. It's union where two become one in spirit and to an extent in body.
    I mean, just because you stand in a church and say some words doesn't mean it's any more legally binding than a divorce.
    I'm not talking about legal or not. I'm simply saying that in the Catholic faith divorces do not exist (not a part of the religion) and marriage most definitely is a part of the religion. Sure, there are many things outside of religion people have to abide by like laws. If you get an annulement you may as well get a divorce to get rid of all legal conections that a marriage have. Same for marriage, you have to have a marriage license to get married in a Catholic church. I'm simply saying from a purely religion POV, divorce does not exist.
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
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    Thanks, religious people!


    FWIW a marriage certificate is just a legal transaction to me. I'll love and live with and make sex to whomever I think is right at the time. I'm engaged, so I'm doing all of those things with a guy named Sean right now.
  • SkateboardFi
    SkateboardFi Posts: 1,322 Member
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    I'm doing all of those things with a guy named Sean right now.

    haha me too
  • mckshowie
    mckshowie Posts: 210 Member
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    this. and the reason for the higher divorce rate is that there is often the anticipation of whatever you don't like about the person changing once you get married, because they will be "different" once married. they're not.

    there is something exciting and romantic and "christmas morning-like" about not knowing EXACTLY what to expect and having every day be a new day and a new chance for exploration with a person.

    there's something to the old saying, why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free. i know i wouldn't want my boyfriend to ask me to marry him because we're already living together, so it's the next logical step. how anti-climactic.
    Statistics show the couples that live together get divorced at a higher rate than those that don't. Also, only 50% of couples that move in together end up getting married.

    So, I'd say don't live together first. You should be visiting each other's homes enough and being around each other enough without living together to be able know their habits.
  • liftingbro
    liftingbro Posts: 2,029 Member
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    Thanks, religious people!


    FWIW a marriage certificate is just a legal transaction to me. I'll love and live with and make sex to whomever I think is right at the time. I'm engaged, so I'm doing all of those things with a guy named Sean right now.

    Well, I appreciate your tone and respectful questions and responses. Typcially people who are GLBT tend to want to get all up in my Catholic grill without any reason. I don't judge people but I'm glad to answer questions if someone asks. Either way, I just wanted to say thanks for the refreshing dialog.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,701 Member
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    I would say don't. I lived with my husband before we got married for 2 years. When he proposed I said yes because I couldn't imagine saying no, and still living together and with two little little kids I didn't think I could support myself. Don't get me wrong, because I dearly love my husband but the leased car thing is such a good analogy because when the lease is up you buy it because you can't imagine starting over without a car or with a new and different car. You should know how to be on your own before you learn to be with someone else. And if you love them you can get over their annoying little habits.
    My ex girlfriend's habit was leaving her clothes everywhere including the floor. For a couple of months I did ALL the picking up and even had a sit down talk about it. She said I shouldn't have to worry about taking care of her clothes. I finally agreed and stopped doing it. Problem was when on the floor, I had to try to avoid stepping on them in our bedroom. It came down to heated arguments because she would say not to step on her clothes and of course my response was I wouldn't if they weren't on the floor. We had a 3 year lease and the last year of it we slept in separate rooms and barely spoke.
    So if this were a "leased car" and there was no way to fix the problem, would you end up buying it out of convinience?
  • infamousmk
    infamousmk Posts: 6,033 Member
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    Thanks, religious people!


    FWIW a marriage certificate is just a legal transaction to me. I'll love and live with and make sex to whomever I think is right at the time. I'm engaged, so I'm doing all of those things with a guy named Sean right now.

    Well, I appreciate your tone and respectful questions and responses. Typcially people who are GLBT tend to want to get all up in my Catholic grill without any reason. I don't judge people but I'm glad to answer questions if someone asks. Either way, I just wanted to say thanks for the refreshing dialog.

    You're welcome! I also appreciate you answering me in a very conscise way without judgement for my lack of religion. YAY for rational discussion on an internet forum!

    I was going to also say P.S. I'm not GLTB but actually, I am "B" ... sometimes I forget now that I'm all engaged. LOL.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,701 Member
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    Actually, yes, it does have something to do with it if you are Christian, particularly if you are Catholic. It's against church teachings to live with someone of the opposite sex if you are not related. I can't talk for other Churches but I know that most protestant churches have the same line of thought.
    Being a former catholic (am now non religious), the church teachings also disallow birth control, and abortion, yet as a religion they have some of the highest rates of both. So because the church says it, does that mean the out come will end up better?
  • voluptas63
    voluptas63 Posts: 602 Member
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    Actually, yes, it does have something to do with it if you are Christian, particularly if you are Catholic. It's against church teachings to live with someone of the opposite sex if you are not related. I can't talk for other Churches but I know that most protestant churches have the same line of thought.
    Being a former catholic (am now non religious), the church teachings also disallow birth control, and abortion, yet as a religion they have some of the highest rates of both. So because the church says it, does that mean the out come will end up better?



    Ooooo, I hope you have a spoon big enough for the pot you're stirring. Or all the biblethumpers are offline.

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