Getting past the unfair feeling
Replies
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“No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.”
– Barbara DeAngelis
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My Dad used to tell me, GET OVER IT SON, when I would whine about unfairness in life. Man I miss him!8
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nighthawk584 wrote: »My Dad used to tell me, GET OVER IT SON, when I would whine about unfairness in life. Man I miss him!
Damn strait. We are delt a hand. It might be a pair of queens. We can look at it as, well I will probably lose to 3 of a kind, or we play it.6 -
You feel this way because you've likely never really sat down and appreciate you. EVERYONE has good things in them and about them however small it may seem. And when you start the focus on the good, then you have less negative thoughts. If the approach to ANY GOAL is that of "others are luckier" than you, then you'll likely fail because you feel inferior. That's why more than 50% of people DON'T try to improve on anything in their life. So you get to make the choice. But always look at the glass as half full. It makes a difference.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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“Comparison is the death of joy.” ― Mark Twain12
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VeronicaRooney wrote: »How do you get past the feeling of "This is F'in unfair. Those skinny people don't exercise or eat right." or "They were raised to have a healthy lifestyle while we lived off of what we could" or "Its easier for them because they don't have kids."
Basically, excuse after excuse and I can't seem to get past this very bitter feeling every time I open a diet/ lifestyle/ health book. I get so bitter at the world and can't even focus on what I am reading or doing because all I can think about is how this is so F'in unfair.
Any advice?
Yeah, and you aren't going to like me after I add to the already good advice you've gotten.
I took a peek at your profile and photos. It's set to public after all.
You have 3 beautiful, seemingly healthy kids.
You have a home.
You have food to cook, even if you don't cook often.
You're quite good looking yourself.
You're apparently healthy other than not being at the weight you want to be at.
You are not going to "think" yourself into a good mindset. So start Acting your way into one. Every day when you get up, write down the things you're blessed with, and don't sling any "I don't have any" BS at me.
You have eyesight? How about 4 limbs that work? Hearing? Those kids? Just do it, then start acting as if you're grateful for what you have. Then, if you want to achieve the look that you like, simple. DO what everyone else that you envy had to do to get it.
See, I read your post and immediately thought of my good friends wife. Beautiful woman inside and out. Never, ever complains or cries. She's 51, adores her husband and son, lives a clean, purposeful life, and probably won't see 52 due to the stage 4 cancer eating her alive.
That...see...that is what I call unfair.
Turn it around and get grateful for life while you have time. It's worth it.
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Simple - be totally selfish and do it entirely for yourself. We do so much for other people, now it's time to be just selfish for once.3
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samhennings wrote: »VeronicaRooney wrote: »How do you get past the feeling of "This is F'in unfair. Those skinny people don't exercise or eat right." or "They were raised to have a healthy lifestyle while we lived off of what we could" or "Its easier for them because they don't have kids."
Basically, excuse after excuse and I can't seem to get past this very bitter feeling every time I open a diet/ lifestyle/ health book. I get so bitter at the world and can't even focus on what I am reading or doing because all I can think about is how this is so F'in unfair.
Any advice?
Never mind anybody else, its nothing to do with them, its about you.
And, as harsh as it sounds, considering its physics - if you are over weight, thats entirely fair, because its a product of you consuming too many calories.
Not that Ive any desire to sound aggressive or upset you, rather - if we can get to the root of where any responsibility or fairness lays, then maybe we can shift our perspective on that?
Its a bit like paying off your credit card. You spent money you didnt have, now you need to work hard to clear the balance down.
Take it as a responsibility, it might sound strange but it is strangely freeing.
Instead of looking out and blaming the other, you look in - and when you realise everything is within your control, suddenly things start looking up...
This is so true.
I have recently been going through a hard time. I couldn’t seem to stop focusing on the bad stuff I was dealing with. When I finally decided that I was going to switch my focus inward, things suddenly got so much better. I wasn’t waiting for someone else to make me happy. I decided I was going to focus on myself and doing things that made me happy, regardless of things that were going on around me.
Ironically, that shift in mindset is what led me to come back to MFP and start losing weight again. I am doing it for myself. I have read other people say that phrase before and I always thought it sounded like lip service, but I finally get it now.
Stop putting your focus on other people and put it on yourself instead. You will be so much better for it.
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I just came here to say that I KNOW THIS THOUGHT WELL. It kept me from my own successes for a long time, because I felt like it was unjust that I struggled with eating for comfort, and other people seemed to have such an easy breezy relationship with food.
1. Cognitive behavioral therapy helped a lot.
2. The idea of “some people don’t have to pay close attention to what they eat, but I am one of the many people who must pay close attention in order to feel like my best self” was very helpful.
3. I learned (through this site and others) that a much bigger portion of the population than I thought is actually struggling with the same things I am struggling with. I’m not alone; other people have to watch their way-of-eating and habits very closely, just like me. It’s natural for humans to eat for comfort and joy; I’m not a freak who gains weight for no reason! Most of us have to start watching what we eat eventually; it’s part of being an adult.10 -
VeronicaRooney wrote: »How do you get past the feeling of "This is F'in unfair. Those skinny people don't exercise or eat right." or "They were raised to have a healthy lifestyle while we lived off of what we could" or "Its easier for them because they don't have kids."
Basically, excuse after excuse and I can't seem to get past this very bitter feeling every time I open a diet/ lifestyle/ health book. I get so bitter at the world and can't even focus on what I am reading or doing because all I can think about is how this is so F'in unfair.
Any advice?
Yeah, and you aren't going to like me after I add to the already good advice you've gotten.
I took a peek at your profile and photos. It's set to public after all.
You have 3 beautiful, seemingly healthy kids.
You have a home.
You have food to cook, even if you don't cook often.
You're quite good looking yourself.
You're apparently healthy other than not being at the weight you want to be at.
You are not going to "think" yourself into a good mindset. So start Acting your way into one. Every day when you get up, write down the things you're blessed with, and don't sling any "I don't have any" BS at me.
You have eyesight? How about 4 limbs that work? Hearing? Those kids? Just do it, then start acting as if you're grateful for what you have. Then, if you want to achieve the look that you like, simple. DO what everyone else that you envy had to do to get it.
See, I read your post and immediately thought of my good friends wife. Beautiful woman inside and out. Never, ever complains or cries. She's 51, adores her husband and son, lives a clean, purposeful life, and probably won't see 52 due to the stage 4 cancer eating her alive.
That...see...that is what I call unfair.
Turn it around and get grateful for life while you have time. It's worth it.
Well said.8 -
gallicinvasion wrote: »I just came here to say that I KNOW THIS THOUGHT WELL. It kept me from my own successes for a long time, because I felt like it was unjust that I struggled with eating for comfort, and other people seemed to have such an easy breezy relationship with food.
1. Cognitive behavioral therapy helped a lot.
2. The idea of “some people don’t have to pay close attention to what they eat, but I am one of the many people who must pay close attention in order to feel like my best self” was very helpful.
3. I learned (through this site and others) that a much bigger portion of the population than I thought is actually struggling with the same things I am struggling with. I’m not alone; other people have to watch their way-of-eating and habits very closely, just like me. It’s natural for humans to eat for comfort and joy; I’m not a freak who gains weight for no reason! Most of us have to start watching what we eat eventually; it’s part of being an adult.
I love this, particularly the bolded! I agree with all of it.
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I don't think you are wrong for feeling this way and I think a lot of us, including a lot of the people in this thread, have felt certain aspects of this at some point. While therapy can certainly be beneficial, this may be something that you can change with a simple adjustment in perspective.
I think when I was gaining weight I had a lot of excuses for myself "my appetite is just too big" "I love food too much" "Others are just naturally athletic, working out is too hard". That is kind of our default setting. But once I actually started on this journey, I learned that those things were lies. That coming up with reasons why I can't just stood in the way of reasons why I could.
I also think that it's easy to make assumptions of others from afar. To think that it's "easy" for them to be skinny. But the truth is they may be doing a lot more work on it than you know. Just because you've seen them eat a cheeseburger doesn't mean they aren't also controlling their calories, working out, etc.
Ultimately comparison to others will never get you anywhere good. There will ALWAYS be someone who is "prettier, stronger, faster," etc. The more progress we make, the more we will just set the bar higher for ourselves with comparison to more difficult to achieve targets. But if we are only competing with ourselves, and trying to be the best "me" that we can be, then we don't have that unrealistic pressure on ourselves.8 -
Why can't you or won't you cook? I guarantee that not many people are more busy than I am. I have a full time job, part time job, and two volunteer jobs--all of which keep me VERY busy. I also have a dog and a house mate with a disability. I cook 6 nights/week. I also keep a very clean house and tidy, pretty yard.
Priorities. Instead of focusing on what I don't have (including the body type that can consume elephants and and not gain); I focus on what I DO HAVE and what I CAN CONTROL.
I may not be that girl who can eat everything she wants and not gain an ounce--BUT I CAN LOOK LIKE HER!11 -
I had to put those unfair feelings aside and focus on what I could do to say "yes" to myself getting better. I can't control other peoples circumstances, I can only control my own.5
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OP, I think we all get caught up in unfair feelings.
Right now, my feet are just literally falling apart. It's genetics really. There's not much I can do. It's to the point that I haven't been able to really exercise for a year (I supposed I could do rowing). Anyway, I have those days where I get into a real pity party with myself over my feet (which I cannot change). It's summer and everyone is in sandals and cut little flats which just destroy me and, yeah, I'm insanely jealous. So you're feelings are quite normal.
The one thing I would caution about is that not many people over a certain age, are naturally slim and fit looking. You see a few, sure, but they are rare and more rare the older you get. Most people work really hard and are very disciplined to be that way and you can't feel angry if maybe you don't work quite as hard as they do.7 -
There was a (literally) life changing thing I learned in some management training for my job (improbable, I know):
If something is not going the way you'd like, think about what you've done to create, promote or allow that situation.
That's the productive focus, the focus that will produce results. It picks out the aspects where you have influence or control, the points where you personally have leverage to create change.
In this context, thinking about other people is a complete waste of time and energy. It creates zero progress toward your goals. It's a comfortable, easy excuse.
Choose your mindset. You can.
:flowerforyou:
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Deleted my post. I hope you are able to get your feeling sorted out OP. You deserve to be happy.2
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"The grass is always greener"....
Jealousy is an ugly emotion. You cannot ever really know what another person is going through, not just with their weight and health but with most aspects of their life. I have known more than one married couple who appeared to have a wonderful relationship, the kind of marriage that others are jealous of, only for that couple to suddenly separate and then divorce. My husband & I try very hard to not take sides when couples we know do divorce (has happened way too often) because there is no way to know what goes on behind the closed doors of their household. I tell you this because as you can't see everything that goes on with a personal relationship, you can't see another person's entire relationship with food/fitness. Focus on your relationships as that is the only thing that you can have any control over.1 -
If this feeling of "things are unfair" is getting in the way of reading and otherwise living your life, then yeah - therapy. And let's be clear, therapy isn't a bad thing. I would argue that everyone should see a therapist at some point, but really - this is something a therapist could help you with.VeronicaRooney wrote: »How do you get past the feeling of "This is F'in unfair. Those skinny people don't exercise or eat right." or "They were raised to have a healthy lifestyle while we lived off of what we could" or "Its easier for them because they don't have kids."
Basically, excuse after excuse and I can't seem to get past this very bitter feeling every time I open a diet/ lifestyle/ health book. I get so bitter at the world and can't even focus on what I am reading or doing because all I can think about is how this is so F'in unfair.
Any advice?
I'll be transparent and say that I have and still do deal with feeling like things aren't fair because of things that happened to me when I was a child. Things that I had zero control over, shouldn't have happened, and have resulted in some pretty major mental health issues. That said, that's part of why I go to therapy. In my case, it's actually pretty useful to have gotten to a point where I can say, "that wasn't fair", but this thread isn't about me.
In short, therapy will probably be very helpful and isn't something to feel ashamed about needing.7 -
Intuitive Eating is imaginary thinking for most of us who have a long dieting career. The world is filled with breakrooms populated with people who don't and won't eat like we want to eat. We might as well get used to it if we want our health to be a priority. Start a journal because I have found writing my feelings, my hopes and general thoughts on just about everything has been an invaluable tool. Plus it will keep your hands and mind busy during the inevitable rough patches.2
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If you’re feeling so strongly this way, it’s probably because you haven’t come to the conclusion that healthy living is a gift you give to yourself.
No one forces you. It is a daily conscious decision to try and eat healthier and move more. Do better things for yourself, and I’m sure with time you will love it, and this bitterness will go away.
First though, I’d recommend you put down the diet books and get to basics.
Eat more veggies. Drink more water. Move more.
Honestly, as long as “skinny” is your goal and not healthy, you’re doomed for failure.6 -
At the end of the day whatever the background, they are subject to the exact same laws of physics today. Maybe you saw me at an event last week, eating brie and crackers and shortbread at a table with friends and were like "damn she's thin and eats what she wants." Nah man, I ate a little of what I wanted that night, the rest of the week I tracked and logged in a deficit, am very mindful when I don't and I run a lot. I also used to be 40lbs heavier. Concentrate on yourself.11
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I may not fully understand what OP is going through, but I've dealt with some thoughts of "unfairness":
- it sucks to be only 4'11" and not needing a lot of calories (which means I can't eat a lot without having to workout a lot)
- it sucks that I have short stumpy arms and legs instead of being long and lean
But that's me.
So I just chalk it up for what it is, and move on...
So I eat less than my 6'1" male friend, and my inseam will never be 36" (and have to even hem Petite size pants).5 -
VeronicaRooney wrote: »Thank you all very much I shall get a therapist and use everyone else's advice. Thank you again!
Wow, I am impressed that you were so open to therapy! That wasn't an easy thing for me to accept the first time some one suggested it to me.
I found it really helpful when I found a therapist that I felt comfortable talking to. Some concepts I found helpful were "radical acceptance" - really helps with the "this isn't fair/ I can't believe this is happening" mentality. Also, practicing self-compassion. Ex: I have compassion for myself for wanting to overeat, I have compassion for myself when I'm overweight, etc.
Best wishes.0 -
One thing that helps me when I’m in a bad headspace generally is remembering that your scale doesn’t care whether you have bad feelings about life being unfair. You can make two fists and wave them at the sky and stomp around in a little circle if it helps, and as long as you eat within your calorie allotment and move your body, you will continue to lose weight and get fitter. Life isn’t fair - David Bowie, who did a lot of things that made a lot of people happy, is DEAD and my next door neighbor, who is an objectively terrible person, is going to live until the sun goes cold. You don’t have to think it’s fair, you don’t have to like anything about the whole process of losing weight. If you just keep doing it, it will still work for you.4
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GrizzledSquirrel wrote: »
Off topic but with the Bowie/Labyrinth ref I just had to post one of the best birthday presents ever.
Vans limited edition David Bowie Ziggy Starsust bootees.
Bought by my son for my 66th birthday. Does that boy know his mum or what.
Again sorry for the detour, just so excited almost wet myself and had to share.
Cheers, h.
On topic. Fair/unfair. Being told at 14 you will never walk again. I did.
Life isn’t fair.
Build your story.
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very few people can eat what they like and do very little exercise and not put on weight. you can also not see what is going on beneath their clothes. skinny fat is real. so is thin but unhealthy. i
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@chris_in_calchris_in_cal wrote: »
Everything in life has an opportunity cost. If you have a job your salary is in exchange for your time. What is important is what you get in the exchange and was it worth it to you? I would never consider it a 'price' and clearly moving presented @apullum with more value than cost so it was a gain for them.2
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