Let's talk about ghosting.

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  • Reckoner68
    Reckoner68 Posts: 2,139 Member
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    busyPK wrote: »
    Aaron_K123 wrote: »
    busyPK wrote: »
    Aaron_K123 wrote: »
    busyPK wrote: »
    Ghosting someone you are dating is immature is 99% of situations. A simple text, email, some sort of communication saying it isn't working is enough. Doesn't have to provide an answer or two way conversation, but please make it known that it's over. If someone is really afraid for their safety then I can understand not providing that communication, but won't the other person dwell on it and try and find you at your house, place of work, where you hangout? Now that would be awful. :#

    I guess I see it as two people. One person no longer wants to be in a relationship with the other and decides to leave and doesn't want the awkwardness or conflict that would arise from trying to seek closure. The other person still wants to be with them or at least is not expecting the breakup and is left wanting to know why and to have closure.

    Both are in an awkward situation, both want something. I guess what I don't get is why one persons wants default-trump the others. IE this idea that one person owes the other person but not the other way around.

    Texting "hey I don't think it's a good idea to see each other anymore, good luck to you. Bye" is took awkward? I feel if you are adult enough to date then you should be able to that. Same goes for the work place. If you want to quit a job at least leave a note or voicemail. (I work in HR and really dislike no-show employees)

    Actually your job analogy got me thinking, because I've been in (and I think most people have been in) a situation job related that would resonate with someone who works in HR that I think might be a possible analogy (at least to how I view it).

    Lets say I apply for a job, I get an interview, the interview goes really well....I get a second interview, I feel that goes really well too. And then.....and then I don't hear back. I call, leave a message...they don't call back. I wait. I hear nothing. I'm flustered, not sure what is going on, frustrated. I really want to know what happened. If they decided not to pick me I want to know why, I feel like I understand if they don't want me but I at least want to know why so I can think about it in future interviews. But at no point do I feel entitled to an explanation. Sure, I want an explanation...but I don't think they owe me one. And I don't think the buisness is immature to not supply me with a detailed explanation as to why they didn't hire me.

    Now as someone in HR do you think applicants are entitled to explanations as to why they were not chosen from the pool of candidates? I might agree with you, as with the proof of life example, that they probably should inform the candidate they were not selected...but I mean are they entitled to an actual explanation as to why?

    Yes I feel all candidates after an interview deserve follow-up, even if it's just an email saying the company moved forward with more qualified candidates. I hate the word of entitled, but if someone took time out to interview they should receive follow-up, not saying a in depth explanation, but yes follow-up is professional and what should happen.

    That's awesome, especially since there's no "relationship" at that point, either. It's a trial, to see if a person and their skill set will fit a need in the company.

    You do HR well.
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,646 Member
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    busyPK wrote: »
    Aaron_K123 wrote: »
    busyPK wrote: »
    Aaron_K123 wrote: »
    busyPK wrote: »
    Ghosting someone you are dating is immature is 99% of situations. A simple text, email, some sort of communication saying it isn't working is enough. Doesn't have to provide an answer or two way conversation, but please make it known that it's over. If someone is really afraid for their safety then I can understand not providing that communication, but won't the other person dwell on it and try and find you at your house, place of work, where you hangout? Now that would be awful. :#

    I guess I see it as two people. One person no longer wants to be in a relationship with the other and decides to leave and doesn't want the awkwardness or conflict that would arise from trying to seek closure. The other person still wants to be with them or at least is not expecting the breakup and is left wanting to know why and to have closure.

    Both are in an awkward situation, both want something. I guess what I don't get is why one persons wants default-trump the others. IE this idea that one person owes the other person but not the other way around.

    Texting "hey I don't think it's a good idea to see each other anymore, good luck to you. Bye" is took awkward? I feel if you are adult enough to date then you should be able to that. Same goes for the work place. If you want to quit a job at least leave a note or voicemail. (I work in HR and really dislike no-show employees)

    Actually your job analogy got me thinking, because I've been in (and I think most people have been in) a situation job related that would resonate with someone who works in HR that I think might be a possible analogy (at least to how I view it).

    Lets say I apply for a job, I get an interview, the interview goes really well....I get a second interview, I feel that goes really well too. And then.....and then I don't hear back. I call, leave a message...they don't call back. I wait. I hear nothing. I'm flustered, not sure what is going on, frustrated. I really want to know what happened. If they decided not to pick me I want to know why, I feel like I understand if they don't want me but I at least want to know why so I can think about it in future interviews. But at no point do I feel entitled to an explanation. Sure, I want an explanation...but I don't think they owe me one. And I don't think the buisness is immature to not supply me with a detailed explanation as to why they didn't hire me.

    Now as someone in HR do you think applicants are entitled to explanations as to why they were not chosen from the pool of candidates? I might agree with you, as with the proof of life example, that they probably should inform the candidate they were not selected...but I mean are they entitled to an actual explanation as to why?

    Yes I feel all candidates after an interview deserve follow-up, even if it's just an email saying the company moved forward with more qualified candidates. I hate the word of entitled, but if someone took time out to interview they should receive follow-up, not saying a in depth explanation, but yes follow-up is professional and what should happen.

    So rare in the job search market... usually they leave you hanging and "ghost".
  • mbaker566
    mbaker566 Posts: 11,233 Member
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    tcunbeliever wrote: »
    As someone who has dated longer than texting has been a thing that existed, I find it appalling that a break up text is somehow socially appropriate. To me, that's even worse than nothing.

    unless it is a case of questionable mental stability, texting is really not appropriate still.
    and i would prefer a text break up over nothing. at least there is closure.
    i've had both. ball up and give me a text
  • Mr_Healthy_Habits
    Mr_Healthy_Habits Posts: 12,588 Member
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    If I feel like I'm just pestering you 👻
    If there's just no chemistry 👻
    If you sweat me, or try to manipulate me 👻
    If I feel like I'm number 4 or 5 👻
    If you 👻, because you thought I was 👻, when I'm really just busy 👻
  • Reckoner68
    Reckoner68 Posts: 2,139 Member
    edited December 2019
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    .
  • Mr_Healthy_Habits
    Mr_Healthy_Habits Posts: 12,588 Member
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    Mr_Healthy_Habits wrote: »
    If I feel like I'm just pestering you 👻
    If there's just no chemistry 👻
    If you sweat me, or try to manipulate me 👻
    If I feel like I'm number 4 or 5 👻
    If you 👻, because you thought I was 👻, when I'm really just busy 👻

    Note... These may not seem like serious answers, but I've learned not to take things (especially people online) to seriously... Live and let live 🖖🏼
  • ythannah
    ythannah Posts: 4,365 Member
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    CanesGalactica wrote: »
    Aaron_K123 wrote: »
    busyPK wrote: »
    Ghosting someone you are dating is immature is 99% of situations. A simple text, email, some sort of communication saying it isn't working is enough. Doesn't have to provide an answer or two way conversation, but please make it known that it's over. If someone is really afraid for their safety then I can understand not providing that communication, but won't the other person dwell on it and try and find you at your house, place of work, where you hangout? Now that would be awful. :#

    I guess I see it as two people. One person no longer wants to be in a relationship with the other and decides to leave and doesn't want the awkwardness or conflict that would arise from trying to seek closure. The other person still wants to be with them or at least is not expecting the breakup and is left wanting to know why and to have closure.

    Both are in an awkward situation, both want something. I guess what I don't get is why one persons wants default-trump the others. IE this idea that one person owes the other person but not the other way around.

    ... no. If you can't be mature enough to overcome your "awkwardness" and at least have the decency to say "I am no longer interested in pursuing this relationship, blah blah blah" then you don't deserve to nor SHOULD you be dating people. It might be awkward, but for *kitten*'s sake, be an adult and just own it. Most people saying they want "closure" aren't looking into an in depth psychoanalytic breakdown of the relationship. They just want to know it's done, over and that they can move on without worrying about that other person or something they might have done that could have mitigated the relationship.

    It's not that complicated.

    Very well said. I suspect that ghosters have an overall inability to deal with anything unpleasant or awkward in life and avoid a lot of it by running away.

    I inadvertently ghosted a guy I was sort of half-heartedly dating when my employer shut down a number of inactive company cell phones and mine was (erroneously) one of the ones that the provider cancelled. On a Friday afternoon. My service didn't get restored until Monday. And instead of sending him a text explaining why I'd been silent for three days, I just let things slide.

    Ghosting wasn't really a thing before cell phones, at least not that I can ever remember.
  • rahimlj
    rahimlj Posts: 239 Member
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    Just_Mel_ wrote: »
    I'm really intrested in getting some insight into this whole thing.
    Why do people do it?
    Is it so hard to just tell someone you can't stand their face anymore? Or that they have had breath, or their voice is annoying, or absolutely any explanation as to why you just cut off communication without any explanation?

    Ghosters, give me some answers please.

    I Think sometimes it's because someone can be a bit clingy and sometimes it's okay and nice but sometimes it's too much when they're being overbearing. I guess sometimes you just don't want to hurt they're feelings. It's better to be upfront but sometimes it feels easier this way. That said I try not to ghost many people. Positive vibes ✌️😋
  • vanityy99
    vanityy99 Posts: 2,583 Member
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    The classic “ I’m worried about you”.

    Please. From my experience that’s just manipulation to get you talking to them.
  • SwannySez
    SwannySez Posts: 5,864 Member
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    OMG, it’s just an “Irish goodbye.”
  • DecreasingDuchess
    DecreasingDuchess Posts: 68 Member
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    1st ghosting might be accidental:
    https://www.forbes.com/sites/marcochiappetta/2019/11/07/awkward-your-mushy-valentines-day-texts-may-have-just-been-delivered-last-night/#3b3808b07407

    2nd it mightn't be malicious:
    I came home, via high school 1 day & was bedridden, for 2 years. I didn't even call my school, to drop out because of the immense mental exhaustion, my disability caused. So of course my friends didn't receive a call, via me either.

    3rd Just like not everyone agrees that cheating's wrong or what constitutes cheating, the same applies to ghosting. I believe that the best thing to do's to discuss your beliefs, desires, expectations and/or deal breakers prior to dating someone. If they're within agreement with jointly creating these arrangements with you, then they've chosen to obligate themselves to accommodating them.

    4th it's malicious intent.

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