Need to Lose 100 LBS -Robins Thread !

I'm relieved to say that I was able to successfully reset/retool with the change I settled on last Sunday. It is less for me to ponder on. It should also make adherence that much better, as I will now be creating habits within what might be really close to maintenance level. The shift in perspective is quite something. Of course, if I decide to have a higher recomp/maintenance level of activity, I will need to shift up, but I will wait until I torch at least another 20-30 pounds before giving much thought to that, as I need to wait for diagnoses and see how therapy and such goes.

I have been slowly getting back into barbell training, and taking my time to progress. I went back down to the bare bar (45 pounds) and am waiting for the trainer clear on my form before moving on to additional bar loads and lifts, so I can hopefully build my body back up and maybe even help it move beyond the chronic injuries I've been dealing with (hoping that training with proper form will build up muscles/tendons to bolster joints and such). My squat form was cleared last week, so I am now adding in overhead press and have added 10 pounds to the bar for squats. I got the green light on the squat form with added weight yesterday, and the OHP just needs a bit of ironing, so I'm hoping that either next week or the week after I'll find that I'm good to go for that.

It's hard to be patient with strength training. I really want to get all the lifts going again, because all of them were going at what I felt was a decent form with a much more challenging load. Of course, the saying goes "practice makes permanent" and I don't want to create bad habits that can lead to lower total progress in the long run and possibly injuries, so I will do my best to keep remembering that.

Sleep issues and pain management continue to plague me. I'm going to have to poke at the ortho who ordered the MRI and find out why I have yet to be called with results or to have me schedule a follow-up. It's frustrating waiting.

On Monday I met with the physical therapist regarding my foot/knee issues. The knees are seemingly within the "fine" realm, so long as it's only exhaustion/basic soreness that I deal with. The feet are not something we can do much with in therapy, but he did figure out that we might be able to help mitigate some of the bone spur/arthritis pain by retraining my big toes for positioning and trying to increase the range of motion for spreading my toes out. He taught me how to tape my feet for additional support to help the retraining of my toes as well as to help my tendons/load issues, and I've learned a couple of stretches I can work on which should add strength and mobility over time.

He also had an extensive discussion with me on where I was going with my training. The summary bottom line was that, in order to avoid additional issues, I need to either 1) accept a [much] slower rate of loss and walk a lot less, or 2) walk less, but also work other types of fitness into my regular schedule that will allow my feet at least some reprieve while expanding my caloric deficit. I'm trying some group classes yesterday through next Thursday to see how I can do in them (most will require modification), and I'm also incorporating some time on the stationary recumbent bike (as much as I don't care for it). On the up-side, he was all for me continuing barbell training, so that was good.

The basic plan is to have me giving my feet a "active recovery day" mid week and end of week (or some other similar split). If I were to figure things out to be able to do an active recovery day every other day, that would be even more optimal. It will probably take at least a few weeks to figure out exactly what this will look like, but I am making it my primary focus.

The challenge I am currently in at my gym will be winding down this coming Thursday night. Honesty, I can't wait. If I wasn't plagued by physical issues, I think I would have enjoyed the challenge. Perhaps even a lot. It did help me with motivation to keep going/get back on the train, but it also has been a grind for some of the tasks, and absolutely frustrating and somewhat demotivating for group sessions and weekly physical challenges where I end up modifying so much as everyone else is powering through.

I'm going to buckle down, hit it as hard as I reasonably can for this last week, and after the challenge ends, I'm going to reward myself with a very "naughty" meal/day (an all-you-can-eat of some super tasty food that will likely have me at or somewhat above maintenance for the day), then will move forward with the general plan. I know that food rewards are generally not the way to go, but advertising has been driving me nuts, and I've been dangling this carrot in front of myself since I started working out of that binge cycle the prior week. I figure it can't be too bad to do it every once in a blue moon, so long as it's not habitual. I'll figure out some other non-food rewards for myself as time continues and make those the primary focus. Not sure what that will really look like, but I was thinking a pretty sundress for Easter might be something worth considering. Especially if it has the potential to be downsized as I continue on.

In other news, my psychiatrist has determined that we need to shift medications, as she's thinking another class of meds might have a better outcome than what I'm on right now. I'll be honest -- I'm really wary of changing, as most meds have not worked well for me at all, either in just not being effective or side effects being way beyond unacceptable. I've decided to hold off on the switch until after the challenge, as I don't want more irons in the fire. The shift will take several weeks, tapering off the current one as I taper up on the other. I'm really, really not crazy about this, but will do it. I just hope it doesn't land me inpatient. So Friday will be the first day of the shift. I probably won't have much to report on Saturday next week though since the build-down/build-up is time delayed.

If anyone read this, thank you for your patience and attention. I know it's long.

Current macro targets:

Strength days:
1,995 kcal
C: 258g
F: 43g
P: 144g

Off days:
1,270 kcal
C: 43g
F: 58g
P: 144g

Fat to include 10 grams EFAs all days

Commitments:

1) Intake: >1,150 kcal/day
2) Exercise: >=30 minutes, 6 days/week
3) Single-day deficit limit: 2,500 kcal
4) Rest day(s): >=1/week (<1,100 kcal deficit)

Goals:

1) Strength training: 2+ days/week
2) Indoor rowing (**with good form**): >=3 days/week (on hold due to nerve issues)
3) Musical instrument practice: >=30 min, 6 days/week (on hold due to nerve issues)
4) Caloric deficit (50+ kcal under): >=6 days/week

2019/09/14: 240.7
2019/09/21: 238.8
2019/09/28: 234.6
2019/10/05: 230.8
2019/10/12: 231.0
2019/10/19: 226.9
2019/10/26: 223.8
2019/11/01: 219.6
2019/11/09: 215.6
2019/11/16: 212.7
2019/11/23: 209.2
2019/11/30: 203.9
2019/12/07: 201.3
2019/12/17: 199.7
2019/12/21: 196.7
2019/12/28: 197.3 (Planned maintenance break)

Squats:
55 lb 5x5 (2020/02/14)

Overhead Press:
45 lb (started training form 2020/02/14)

Deadlift:
45 lb (on hold)

Bench Press:
45 lb (on hold)

Barbell Rows:
45 lb (on hold)

Honestly, there is so much more I could write, but I am so tired. Life-ing has been hard these last several weeks.

My stepfather is currently at Mayo Clinic. He has coded several times, and has had two heart surgeries. Progress has been up and down, and as of last night went into another downswing, though I've been instructed to stay home for now rather than hit the road again to go out and support my mom and stepfather. Drama has also increased to the home with support issues from my family. I'm trying to accept their decisions for what they are, but it is very disheartening/frustrating/disappointing.

My pain levels are very escalated right now due to a lot of driving and some nights of poor sleep/poor sleeping position. I got home Thursday night and am just trying to get back into something resembling normal. A couple of nights of good sleep have seen me to an improved level, but there is still plenty of improvement to make.

My mental health has been all over the place. In the immediate moment of emergency, I was able to stand in as needed for support for the family, but pushed myself so hard I got to the point where I seriously considered whether or not I needed to check myself in. A medication shift during this time has NOT been helpful either, but I'm getting through well enough now. I don't think the new med is a good match, but will give it a few more days before starting that conversation with my psychiatrist.

I let go of my macros, commitments, and goals during this time. That probably didn't really help me, in hindsight. If I need to go and support again, I will be better preparing so I can loosen up (maintenance-ish kcal levels), but still get what I need at least for protein without going way over. And will hopefully avoid binge eating, which I slipped on as well.

The setback/derailment, fatigue/exhaustion, and all the drama have me at a point where I'm once again at war for every bite, sip, and step. I've moved to daily goals on my newsfeed for better accountability while I'm attempting to get things back in line. Hopefully I will meet/exceed them as needed to meet my goals here.

This derailment, combined with slower-than-anticipated losses in the earlier months, has brought me to the point where I have decided I need to let go of a goal I had set. When I started and forecasted back in September, it seemed as though I would have been able to get out of the 160s by my birthday, which is March 31st. Around the new year, I resigned myself to the likelihood that it would be more like "making it into the 160s" by my birthday. And now? Nope. I'm pretty sure that my weight is pretty close to true right now at 181.2. If I were to make it into the 160s, it would only be due to a combination of water weight and glycogen loss, and that is not something I could celebrate. It is deeply disappointing to acknowledge/accept this.

As much as I want to get 2+ pounds of fat torched each week, I don't think I can mentally handle that. I am trying my best to accept that I might not see much change in the near future and to try to let go of making anything other than daily commitments in that regard. I do want to have my trending numbers solidly in the 170s by the end of the month. Solidly would mean at 179.0 or lower.

If I can get myself back into a groove going forward, I think I'd like to try a special program for maintaining/increasing strength/muscle while focusing on fat loss. This last ten pounds did well in that regard (scan reading showed muscle mass at a small overall increase), but I want to see if I can get things locked in at a good level. If I try it and have anything of note to offer for insight, I will write about it later.

Current macro targets:

Minimums:
Protein: 143 grams
Carbs: 25 grams
Fat: 45 grams

Fat to include 10 grams EFAs all days

Commitments:

1) Intake: >1,075 kcal/day
2) Exercise: >=30 minutes, 6 days/week
3) Single-day deficit limit: 2,500 kcal
4) Rest day(s): >=1/week (<1,100 kcal deficit)

Goals:

1) Strength training: 2+ days/week
2) Indoor rowing (**with good form**): 1,000 meters >=3 days/week
3) Musical instrument practice: >=10 min, 3 days/week
4) Caloric deficit (50+ kcal under): >=6 days/week

2019/09/14: 240.7
2019/09/21: 238.8
2019/09/28: 234.6
2019/10/05: 230.8
2019/10/12: 231.0
2019/10/19: 226.9
2019/10/26: 223.8
2019/11/01: 219.6
2019/11/09: 215.6
2019/11/16: 212.7
2019/11/23: 209.2
2019/11/30: 203.9
2019/12/07: 201.3
2019/12/17: 199.7
2019/12/21: 196.7
2019/12/28: 197.3 (Planned maintenance break)

I trained once this week. It was a good session, but then headed out to the out-of-state hospital my stepfather is at to support him and my mother. Could've gotten good walking in if I'd had a better attitude. Intended to exercise at the hotel I stayed at, but the (quite small, low capacity and easy to clean) room was closed due to governor's orders. After that I took a "whatever, I don't care" attitude, because honestly I've just had enough of this, that, and the other thing. Out of spoons, so to speak.

I need to start logging reliably tomorrow, regardless of the intake decisions I've made. After the last 2 days which included about 14-15 hours of travel, I've been off track for logging at all. This snack, that snack, etc. over the trip and I just do not remember what all I've eaten.

Really not dealing with things well mentally/emotionally. Topping off the whole bit is that the hospital decided to ban all visitors unless it's extraordinary circumstances, which essentially means new life or end of life. Even though my stepfather has bounced back to the ICU for a FOURTH time, with various indicators looking not very good at all (mind you he's had multiple issues and three surgeries over the last 5 weeks, and has gone code blue at least 3 times that I know of), no visitors. My mom was kicked out, even though she'd been there for about 30 days, and had been at the local hospital with him before that.

It's really the icing on the cake at this point. I'm not sure what to say other than I'm "safe" (as in don't require hospitalization to physically save me from myself). Oh yeah, and we're dealing with ANOTHER med trial/change for me (mental health medication). Just ready to curl up with my puppies, sleep a lot, maybe play some video games or watch a few shows. More just the first two, not sure I care enough for either of the latter at this point.

Current macro targets:

Minimums:
Protein: 143 grams
Carbs: 25 grams
Fat: 45 grams

Fat to include 10 grams EFAs all days

Commitments:

1) Intake: >1,075 kcal/day
2) Exercise: >=30 minutes, 6 days/week
3) Rest day(s): >=1/week (<1,100 kcal deficit)
4) Be accountable: logging intake and checking in on accountability threads.

Goals:

1) Strength training: 2+ days/week
2) Indoor rowing (**with good form**): 1,000 meters >=3 days/week
3) Musical instrument practice: >=10 min, 3 days/week
4) Caloric deficit (50+ kcal under): >=6 days/week

2019/09/14: 240.7
2019/09/21: 238.8
2019/09/28: 234.6
2019/10/05: 230.8
2019/10/12: 231.0
2019/10/19: 226.9
2019/10/26: 223.8
2019/11/01: 219.6
2019/11/09: 215.6
2019/11/16: 212.7
2019/11/23: 209.2
2019/11/30: 203.9
2019/12/07: 201.3
2019/12/17: 199.7
2019/12/21: 196.7
2019/12/28: 197.3 (Planned maintenance break)