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I don’t need negativity in my life no one needs that 💩

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aNYONE else think Hank Hill was autistic?

JustCallMeWhatever wrote: »

Jesus christ! It's hotter than the devils armpit out there!!!

Isn’t it wonderful?? This is when we get to bust out our cutest clothes...and drink cold drinks (cherry slushies 🤤) and freezies to cool our bodies ahhh this is the life, you have to admit.

Two more months and it’s cold again over here.

• Cancer and a couple of people who have it (that I know) and their outcomes (I know plenty of people survive their struggle with it, but I grew up with a bunch of people who did NOT and well.. the last couple I knew passed away from it, so naturally I worry.
• Why is it I so desire to send suggestive/lewd images of myself (sometimes to random strangers), but I internally recognize and battle with the notion that I am undesirable and I have no idea why ANYONE would proposition me for them in the first place. I appreciate the admiration, but I fear it is undeserved.. and also, I worry about ulterior motives. Or it being used against me somehow.
  
  Weird that I would have this thought when I spent four years of my life being a nude model in which hundreds of students probably drew or painted me in various states of repose (best job ever... get paid to lounge around, read or take naps while folks draw you). I had the same fears then as I do now.. and the same nagging thoughts about my body. That hasn't changed despite the weight and age change over the years.

Alas, this topic is t oo serious this late at night when I haven't been drinking. I shall go to sleep. If someone wants to weigh in on my ramblings, feel free to do so.

Why do we lose so much sleep over things we cannot change. I laid awake for 3 hrs. last night worrying and obsessing about my sister and bil.

ReenieHJ wrote: »

I could never have ever, even in my best physical days, be a nude model. I have way too many hang-ups about my body. But I admire people's courage who can and do. Hella, it took me years and years to wear a bathing suit, probably from age 13 to 56 I refused to wear bathing suits or shorts, even on the hottest of days. See?? Hang-ups.

I jumped into it *because* I had those insecurities and felt I had something I needed to prove. It naturally, caused a rift between myself and the person I was dating at the time, but none of the other men I dated in that time minded in the slightest.

And yeah, I'd still get nasty comments like "the model is so fat" and "why couldn't they hire someone skinny?", but the majority of people who drew me and the majority of people who saw the drawings and paintings in the hall had positive things to say (when they didn't know I was even listening in). The ugly comments usually came from non-art students passing through the building.

What people didn't realize is that the art department (at the time) paid one of the highest on-campus jobs (nude modeling) and yet they STILL had issues getting people to apply. I was one of the few who did. And I brought in other friends (male and female) so that we had a variety of models representing different body types. We had a woman who was much heavier (and taller) than me, a pregnant model, my roommate who was around my height but 50 lbs lighter, a couple of male models and a few others. Now that art department has no issues finding models within the student body and a lot of that has to do with the work that myself and others put into it, showing that it wasn't taboo, it wasn't dirty and you weren't selling "porn" or degrading yourself by letting others draw you for money. **shrugs**

I have the same insecurities at 210 that I did at 170. Being here, in this forum, has opened my eyes a little that even a man or woman at "healthy" weight still has them. It just never ends.

On the swimsuit issue: I wear them, but I don't like them. I haven't found a suit I thought looked cute or sexy on me yet. I don't think I ever will. They all just fit so awkwardly on my body. I think it's because a one piece, if it's padded (which I prefer because water is COLD), they're designed with a fat person who has a massive upper rack (which I don't have). There's a good ten inch difference from my bust and my hips. I'm working on it, but that's been my body shape my entire life, so it might stay that way even if I ever got down to say... 150. And two pieces... well, I haven't really seen one I like on my body. I like it on other people and I like it on a display mannequin, but put it on me and it's horrendous and ill fitting.

So... I wear a two piece (that I bought for snorkeling) and it has a long sleeve cover made of the same material. It's comfortable and I like it, so that's what I wear. Then all anyone has to stare at are my legs.

Looking through an older thread from last year, I had a sudden realization of how many well known forum users here are now GONE. Where'd they go? They are part of what made this place lively.. and most of them had quite extensive post counts.

I want a new career... just don't know what that is. hmmmm.... throw away my education? I don't care. I'm tired of it all. I don't need lots of money or prestige... just something fun and interesting and low stress.

I’m part of a Facebook group and someone asked what the perfect size jeans are. What kind of question is that? I don’t think there’s a perfect size. I think it’s about that pair you feel looks great on you right now. I’m about a 22w now heading towards a 20w. When I get into the 20’s I’m sure I’ll have a pair of jeans I feel look great at that stage. Just like when I get to 18w. I hate when people get caught up in the number. I don’t know where I’ll end up. Maybe I’ll be a 16. But not necessarily every 16 will fit. Stop focusing on the number and focus on how you feel. Ugh morning rant over.

Thinking about the house work I don’t want to do. Procrastinating with coffee #2.
Coffee is life. How do you take it?