Is a rough childhood an acceptable excuse?

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Replies

  • Mios3
    Mios3 Posts: 530 Member
    I agree with both sides.

    I personally had an unthinkable childhood, none of which I care to dicuss or put out there on a message board.

    That being said I Chose to use that to better myself. Break the cycle of abuse and give my children the up bringing I never had.

    There comes a point when we Have to take responsibility for our own lives and try to make it better. Again "better" is all relative to any situation.

    Our lives and future are in our own hands at some point. It is what we choose to make it.
  • ennaejay
    ennaejay Posts: 575
    Interesting topic.

    I've heard this argued when christians are debating "free will". Do we have free will, or not? Our life's experiences are so varied; we are subjected to other people's freedoms and choices. A kid that grows up in the slums is taught different core values and belief systems than the kid who grew up inside a white picket fence. One may be a fighter by nature; one may more easily find hope. Unfortunately they're not given the same circumstances to overcome. One's hurdles may be bigger. For the white-picket-fence guy, his hurdles are pride and arrogance. For the slum kid, they're fear and distrust of humanity.

    I do know that God gives peace, joy, and comfort to those who ask Him, regardless of situation, regardless of background.

    We cannot be controlled by other people.

    We cannot control other people.

    We can control ourselves
    on a GOOD day.
  • starracer23
    starracer23 Posts: 1,011 Member
    Most of you are going from your own life experience with a safe home & loving family. IF a child grows up without these things and is not taught coping skills life is VERY DIFFERENT. You cannot 'tackle' life if you are not given the tools to do that.
    Some people are defeated by the time they reach maturity. Some are emotionally stunted and NEVER mature.
    IF you have a healthy, nurturing life, you cannot judge those who do not. EVERYONE can't overcome their environment.
    GOOD FOR YOU if you can

    Nope...not a safe nor a happy home. My mother tried to kill herself too many times to count. Many of those times with me and my sisters right there watching. We saw her taken away by an ambulance and police as my dad sat there and said it was all for attention. My father was a no feeling, non caring man. I was never lifted up, I was never told that I could accomplish anything in my life. I was never encouraged to be anything. I was put down, slapped down and told to be silent and to obey. My parents never cared about anything in my life. I don't speak to them now....they both taught me what I do NOT want to be. I have decided to be a different type of parent. It's a daily battle...it's hard to come from nothing but hurt and negativity. But my children are amazing and they WILL do amazing things. I will be their biggest cheerleader and I will help them to reach any goal they want.
  • boomboom011
    boomboom011 Posts: 1,459
    Most of you are going from your own life experience with a safe home & loving family. IF a child grows up without these things and is not taught coping skills life is VERY DIFFERENT. You cannot 'tackle' life if you are not given the tools to do that.
    Some people are defeated by the time they reach maturity. Some are emotionally stunted and NEVER mature.
    IF you have a healthy, nurturing life, you cannot judge those who do not. EVERYONE can't overcome their environment.
    GOOD FOR YOU if you can

    Nope...not a safe nor a happy home. My mother tried to kill herself too many times to count. Many of those times with me and my sisters right there watching. We saw her taken away by an ambulance and police as my dad sat there and said it was all for attention. My father was a no feeling, non caring man. I was never lifted up, I was never told that I could accomplish anything in my life. I was never encouraged to be anything. I was put down, slapped down and told to be silent and to obey. My parents never cared about anything in my life. I don't speak to them now....they both taught me the what I do NOT want to be. I have decided to be a different type of parent. It's a daily battle...it's hard to come from nothing but hurt and negativity. But my children are amazing and they WILL do amazing things. I will be their biggest cheerleader and I will help them to reach any goal they want.

    I am so sorry for what you had to endure but Im sure you are an awesome mother!

    P.s. my daughter cheers for the local optimist club for the TEXANS! Go Texans!
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    I didn't read all 4 pages of responses. Sorry if I'm being redundant. I think once a person realizes that their lives have been shattered during childhood, and that the damage has pervaded everything thereafter, that they should seriously seek counseling to try and recover from some of the damage. I do believe that sometimes this is impossible for some people. We're not all built to endure the same hardships the same way. I come from a background of severe poverty, but I've managed to do very well for myself. It was always a struggle, and still is. I keep going because that's the way I operate. Despite my disadvantages, I have other advantages that other people might not have. I like to hear about people defying their odds, honestly.
  • Faith1203
    Faith1203 Posts: 5 Member
    Girl u sure do like stirring up these touchy issues huh?

    Finally someone said it!! I keep reading her posts & they are for the most part all like this. A controversial question thrown into the wind, but she never says how she feels about it. I am not attacking you, OP, it just looks a little weird. Are you doing a servey on all of this or what?
  • boomboom011
    boomboom011 Posts: 1,459
    Girl u sure do like stirring up these touchy issues huh?

    Finally someone said it!! I keep reading her posts & they are for the most part all like this. A controversial question thrown into the wind, but she never says how she feels about it. I am not attacking you, OP, it just looks a little weird. Are you doing a servey on all of this or what?

    Stick around for a little bit, she will comment.
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
    Girl u sure do like stirring up these touchy issues huh?

    Finally someone said it!! I keep reading her posts & they are for the most part all like this. A controversial question thrown into the wind, but she never says how she feels about it. I am not attacking you, OP, it just looks a little weird. Are you doing a servey on all of this or what?

    Not true. I see her make her point in her original posts often. I've also seen her reply within the thread itself many times. We're in the "chit chat" section, so what's wrong with a good ol' controversial question? She's not the only OP who does that. I find these discussions interesting, myself.
  • starracer23
    starracer23 Posts: 1,011 Member
    I think that people will and can use anything as an excuse...it's easy to. If you have an excuse you aren't held accountable for your actions...you have a reason to continue to do things that aren't healthy and that aren't helpful. It's easier to have an excuse....It takes work to overcome obstacles. Some people just haven't realized that they are capable of overcoming them...they have the power, if they want it.

    They may need to seek counseling, they may need a lot of things to truly open their eyes...and it won't happen for them until they reach the pentacle for their life.
  • Faith1203
    Faith1203 Posts: 5 Member
    Girl u sure do like stirring up these touchy issues huh?

    Finally someone said it!! I keep reading her posts & they are for the most part all like this. A controversial question thrown into the wind, but she never says how she feels about it. I am not attacking you, OP, it just looks a little weird. Are you doing a servey on all of this or what?

    Not true. I see her make her point in her original posts often. I've also seen her reply within the thread itself many times. We're in the "chit chat" section, so what's wrong with a good ol' controversial question? She's not the only OP who does that. I find these discussions interesting, myself.

    I didn't say there was a problem with it. I asked if she was doing a survey or something. I stand by my statement that it looks a little weird if you go through her post and most of them are random questions like this. Like the poll of the day question. Even if this is what it is, still not a problem, just curious as to what is she doing all of this for. These aren't just random everyday questions.
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
    Girl u sure do like stirring up these touchy issues huh?

    Finally someone said it!! I keep reading her posts & they are for the most part all like this. A controversial question thrown into the wind, but she never says how she feels about it. I am not attacking you, OP, it just looks a little weird. Are you doing a servey on all of this or what?

    Not true. I see her make her point in her original posts often. I've also seen her reply within the thread itself many times. We're in the "chit chat" section, so what's wrong with a good ol' controversial question? She's not the only OP who does that. I find these discussions interesting, myself.

    I didn't say there was a problem with it. I asked if she was doing a survey or something. I stand by my statement that it looks a little weird if you go through her post and most of them are random questions like this. Like the poll of the day question. Even if this is what it is, still not a problem, just curious as to what is she doing all of this for. These aren't just random everyday questions.

    For idle "chit chat" about things she hears about at work or wonders about?
  • quichebradford
    quichebradford Posts: 327 Member
    Girl u sure do like stirring up these touchy issues huh?

    Finally someone said it!! I keep reading her posts & they are for the most part all like this. A controversial question thrown into the wind, but she never says how she feels about it. I am not attacking you, OP, it just looks a little weird. Are you doing a servey on all of this or what?

    Funny you should mention this, I always say if someone asks what my opinion is, I’ll tell them…thanks for asking!

    I post these things simply because I'm curious to know what people think. The posts are always personal for me, and this one in particular...the person with the "excuse" is my son. He's 22, and according to him, his life is in a shambles. He moved out of my house as soon as he graduated high school because he didn’t want to abide by my rule (if you live here you go to college, or trade school or something to further educate yourself) and moved with his dad. His dad can barely hold a job, he thinks if there is a way around actually working for something, then you should take that route. My husband and I are the opposite; nothing worth having is going to be easy. My son thought it would be all gravy when he moved out, but here we are 4 years later and he is really struggling. He said if I had “stepped up to the plate” when he was younger and took care of him the right way, then he wouldn’t be having all of these problems. I did the best that I could with him, but his dad was always in his ear and in the end, that’s the route he chose. I do not feel like it’s my fault, and I say that because I too had a horrible childhood, but I survived. From the ages of 5 through 12 I was abused, verbally, sexually and physically by my stepdad. He told me on a regular basis that I was nothing and I would never be anything. I vowed to never be the parent that he was…I don’t use how I was brought up as a crutch. By all rights I should be crazy, I have plenty of cause, but the God I serve does not allow that. Yes it sucked, but it was all a part of the plan for my life. I deal with it and move on, it’s nobody’s fault.
  • boomboom011
    boomboom011 Posts: 1,459
    Girl u sure do like stirring up these touchy issues huh?

    Finally someone said it!! I keep reading her posts & they are for the most part all like this. A controversial question thrown into the wind, but she never says how she feels about it. I am not attacking you, OP, it just looks a little weird. Are you doing a servey on all of this or what?

    Funny you should mention this, I always say if someone asks what my opinion is, I’ll tell them…thanks for asking!

    I post these things simply because I'm curious to know what people think. The posts are always personal for me, and this one in particular...the person with the "excuse" is my son. He's 22, and according to him, his life is in a shambles. He moved out of my house as soon as he graduated high school because he didn’t want to abide by my rule (if you live here you go to college, or trade school or something to further educate yourself) and moved with his dad. His dad can barely hold a job, he thinks if there is a way around actually working for something, then you should take that route. My husband and I are the opposite; nothing worth having is going to be easy. My son thought it would be all gravy when he moved out, but here we are 4 years later and he is really struggling. He said if I had “stepped up to the plate” when he was younger and took care of him the right way, then he wouldn’t be having all of these problems. I did the best that I could with him, but his dad was always in his ear and in the end, that’s the route he chose. I do not feel like it’s my fault, and I say that because I too had a horrible childhood, but I survived. From the ages of 5 through 12 I was abused, verbally, sexually and physically by my stepdad. He told me on a regular basis that I was nothing and I would never be anything. I vowed to never be the parent that he was…I don’t use how I was brought up as a crutch. By all rights I should be crazy, I have plenty of cause, but the God I serve does not allow that. Yes it sucked, but it was all a part of the plan for my life. I deal with it and move on, it’s nobody’s fault.

    Thanks for sharing. I am glad to be a sister in Christ with you.
  • Faith1203
    Faith1203 Posts: 5 Member
    Girl u sure do like stirring up these touchy issues huh?

    Finally someone said it!! I keep reading her posts & they are for the most part all like this. A controversial question thrown into the wind, but she never says how she feels about it. I am not attacking you, OP, it just looks a little weird. Are you doing a servey on all of this or what?

    Funny you should mention this, I always say if someone asks what my opinion is, I’ll tell them…thanks for asking!

    I post these things simply because I'm curious to know what people think. The posts are always personal for me, and this one in particular...the person with the "excuse" is my son. He's 22, and according to him, his life is in a shambles. He moved out of my house as soon as he graduated high school because he didn’t want to abide by my rule (if you live here you go to college, or trade school or something to further educate yourself) and moved with his dad. His dad can barely hold a job, he thinks if there is a way around actually working for something, then you should take that route. My husband and I are the opposite; nothing worth having is going to be easy. My son thought it would be all gravy when he moved out, but here we are 4 years later and he is really struggling. He said if I had “stepped up to the plate” when he was younger and took care of him the right way, then he wouldn’t be having all of these problems. I did the best that I could with him, but his dad was always in his ear and in the end, that’s the route he chose. I do not feel like it’s my fault, and I say that because I too had a horrible childhood, but I survived. From the ages of 5 through 12 I was abused, verbally, sexually and physically by my stepdad. He told me on a regular basis that I was nothing and I would never be anything. I vowed to never be the parent that he was…I don’t use how I was brought up as a crutch. By all rights I should be crazy, I have plenty of cause, but the God I serve does not allow that. Yes it sucked, but it was all a part of the plan for my life. I deal with it and move on, it’s nobody’s fault.

    Thanks for putting my curiosity at bay! I really thought you were doing a paper or something. You did not owe me an explanation or a backstory, but thanks for what you wrote. Good luck with your son & God Bless.
  • trailrider1963
    trailrider1963 Posts: 69
    I also had a horrendously abusive childhood. I wasted years blaming it for everything that was wrong with my life, not because I was looking for an excuse, but because I genuinely BELIEVED that. I spent years suffering from major depression and my thinking was severely distorted. And I couldn't see that, that's what depression, PTSD, and years of severe abuse does to you.

    I did eventually make the decision to get help, not because I thought I had a problem but because some people who cared about me thought I had a problem, and in time I was able to see my issues and get to work on them. But it was far easier to make that decision than to actually carry it out in years of therapy and medication, with numerous setbacks on the way. I got stuck a lot, and I stumbled and fell a lot, and sometimes I couldn't pick myself up and other people did it for me. What if I hadn't had friends willing to do that for me? What if I'd never found the extraordinarily gifted therapist I finally did? What if no one had ever cared enough to be honest with me in the first place? I'd still be floundering around, 20 years later, struggling with depression and PTSD and unable to see things as they really are.

    I guess my point is, none of us know where somebody else is in their journey. Maybe a person isn't trying to use a bad childhood as an excuse, but rather doesn't understand that they can overcome it, with the right tools.
  • neva4saken
    neva4saken Posts: 300 Member
    To me there is a difference between excuse and explanation... childhood can very well explain "why" we do some of the things we do however an excuse is staying there if it's a dysfunction. In a world that has taken dysfunction and made it functional we have started living with abnormal and it has become normal. Tantrums and rage fits are now considered normal while someone who can intelligently express themselves without taken offense to a situation is considered abnormal. We are products of our environment however rather positive or negative once we become of age and knowledge that some of the things we do are not healthy and a dysfunction it is up to us to change them better ourselves and not pass on the negative traits to your children or our loved ones that are in our atmosphere. People tend to get comfortable in dysfunction when it is all they knew (it's human nature) but choosing to stay there or move up is totally up to the person ... As a product of my environment I was molested, lived around drunken pedophile, joined a gang, did jail time, was a male prostitute, attempted suicide and the list goes on .. however looking at me today you wouldn't know any of it because I chose Christ and old things are past away and behold all things become new... I made the conscious decision to better myself not only for my children, but for society, for my family, and most importantly for me... so i would say rough childhood is an explanation but not an excuse... be blessed and grace and peace to you all ...
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
    Girl u sure do like stirring up these touchy issues huh?

    Finally someone said it!! I keep reading her posts & they are for the most part all like this. A controversial question thrown into the wind, but she never says how she feels about it. I am not attacking you, OP, it just looks a little weird. Are you doing a servey on all of this or what?

    Funny you should mention this, I always say if someone asks what my opinion is, I’ll tell them…thanks for asking!

    I post these things simply because I'm curious to know what people think. The posts are always personal for me, and this one in particular...the person with the "excuse" is my son. He's 22, and according to him, his life is in a shambles. He moved out of my house as soon as he graduated high school because he didn’t want to abide by my rule (if you live here you go to college, or trade school or something to further educate yourself) and moved with his dad. His dad can barely hold a job, he thinks if there is a way around actually working for something, then you should take that route. My husband and I are the opposite; nothing worth having is going to be easy. My son thought it would be all gravy when he moved out, but here we are 4 years later and he is really struggling. He said if I had “stepped up to the plate” when he was younger and took care of him the right way, then he wouldn’t be having all of these problems. I did the best that I could with him, but his dad was always in his ear and in the end, that’s the route he chose. I do not feel like it’s my fault, and I say that because I too had a horrible childhood, but I survived. From the ages of 5 through 12 I was abused, verbally, sexually and physically by my stepdad. He told me on a regular basis that I was nothing and I would never be anything. I vowed to never be the parent that he was…I don’t use how I was brought up as a crutch. By all rights I should be crazy, I have plenty of cause, but the God I serve does not allow that. Yes it sucked, but it was all a part of the plan for my life. I deal with it and move on, it’s nobody’s fault.

    Thanks for sharing. I am glad to be a sister in Christ with you.

    I'm glad to be both of yours sister in Christ! Love y'all!
  • aj_rock
    aj_rock Posts: 390 Member
    Maybe it's a coincidence, but it seems to be that most people who do not accept poor upbringing as an excuse are NOT the ones currently struggling with it.

    For the OP, she knows more about the situation than anyone else, and I really can't comment because I simply do not know what's actually in her son's head. I also don't know the differences between his percieved childhood and what actually happened, which can make all the difference when it comes to how he developed the attitude he did in the first place.

    All you can really do, at the end of the day, is ask yourself 'Did I do the best I could in this situation?' and 'Am I doing the best I can?'

    Do this, and no one can ask more of you :)
  • Andythefitfamilyman
    Andythefitfamilyman Posts: 420
    Hell no, I was abused mentally, physically, and sexually. I choose to have a better life.
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    I prefer your "controversial" topics to the frivolity. It's nice to break it up a little. :smile:
  • beccyleigh
    beccyleigh Posts: 846 Member
    You are a child for 16 years & an adult for the rest of your life,. Take some control & be responsible for the decisions you make as that adult. Sure, how you were raised & by whom will play a part in your life & bad experiences will shape you too but eventually you have to take control.
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
    I prefer your "controversial" topics to the frivolity. It's nice to break it up a little. :smile:

    Me, too!
  • boomboom011
    boomboom011 Posts: 1,459
    I prefer your "controversial" topics to the frivolity. It's nice to break it up a little. :smile:

    Me, too!
    :drinker:
  • SugarBaby1987
    SugarBaby1987 Posts: 62 Member
    No, I don't believe it's an acceptable excuse. My brother tries to use the "we had a crappy childhood" excuse when it comes to him being an alcoholic/drug addict/crappy father. I suffered the same childhood as him & I turned out fine. People need to learn to accept the responsibility of their own actions, and stop placing blame where it shouldn't be.
  • Sonchie
    Sonchie Posts: 259 Member
    A traumatic childhood will always have its scars that creep up on us when we're feeling less than strong, but we should never let them hold us back. Instead try using it as platform to reach above and beyond.
  • pickadilly2009
    pickadilly2009 Posts: 320 Member
    I know a lot of people who have had less than desirable experiences in their childhood, some were downright horrible. I’ve heard many of them blame their lack of success (no high school diploma or GED for example) on the way they were brought up. Verbal and/or physical abuse, parents on drugs, abandonment…whatever the case. Do you feel that as an adult, that’s an acceptable excuse?

    It could be a reason for events that caused the outcome of such things as not graduating and other such results. However, as I have told my nieces and nephew (they had it pretty rough) if you are smart enough to sit there and tell me what the problem is, then you are smart enough to makes changes to correct the situation. One of them has (very successful at age 33) and one is still trying (climbing up the hill inch by inch but she is climbing at age 39) and the other never will (at age 28 she still thinks her past entitles her to handouts she likes her pity card).
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