Not Hungry

snowflake954 · January 2021

HerNameIsMischief wrote: »

I guess I have to at least preserve muscle...I certainly don't have a surplus right now. Every trainer tells me to stop wanting to be thin and to - ugh - "use your size to your advantage," meaning lift weights and concentrate on getting muscular instead. While that would certainly be a better look than what I have right now, it still means I'd be seen as a big guy, which I can't stand. Making matters worse, I'm bald, so being 6'3", bald, and muscular would make me look exactly how I don't want people to see me.

Maybe it won't fix my self-esteem issues entirely, but at least I wouldn't be fat on top of the other things, and maybe people would stop making rude remarks to me about looking like a football player or a bouncer. And maybe if I dated, I wouldn't have someone telling me that they love "how small [they] look next to me."

If you are 6'3 you are always going to attract women that want to feel small next to a big guy. I know because I'm a tall woman 5'11. However, I'm 66, married, and long out of the dating game, so my advice is sincere. Losing weight and happiness are not the same thing. You need to get your head straightened out to attract certain types of people. I'd work on that. See a counselor about your dating thoughts. Someone else cannot make you happy--you need to do that yourself. Good luck.

ReenieHJ · January 2021

Yep, working on self-esteem and attitude first or at least, alongside working on your physical shape. You've gotten some wonderful advice and insight here, hope you don't simply tune it out. I bet a lot of us have had comments thrown at us that did the exact opposite of what the person intended. Give yourself a chance. Give others a chance.
There are wonderful people out there who you may not give any chance at all because of 1 comment that passes their lips. Maybe they had no clue how it would make you feel? We all know people can be clueless, even the best of 'em.
WTH is wrong with a guy who's 6'3", and bald???? If you want to lose weight to feel better about yourself, go for it. But your attitude will attract more people as friends, dates, significant others, than a few pounds lost. Yes, losing weight can make you feel better about yourself in the long run. But don't put off chances of happiness while you wait for it. Only YOU can make that happen. And not by looking for the quick fix of the day. Three times during my life I've lost from 50-85#, regained it ever damn time. I'm 67 and spent every year since I was about 12, looking for that quick fix. Here I am, still looking.

Slow and easy will guarantee lifestyle changes for you like no 'lose 30 lbs a month' promise ever will.

Platitudes or not. It's all truth. Good luck!!!

HerNameIsMischief · January 2021

snowflake954 wrote: »

If you are 6'3 you are always going to attract women that want to feel small next to a big guy. I know because I'm a tall woman 5'11.

I hate it, even more so because everyone expects me to LIKE being seen this way. "Oh, you're being ridiculous, every guy wishes he were bigger." I feel so angry that other people here can lose a lot of weight and look different AND shut down the rude remarks they might get from people....but I'm going to get them forever and be expected to take them with a smile on my face. In the past, I even considered listing my height as six feet even on dating sites so I didn't attract women who wanted some big oaf.

HerNameIsMischief · January 2021

ReenieHJ wrote: »

WTH is wrong with a guy who's 6'3", and bald????

I think it's ugly. Football players are big and bald. Professional wrestlers. Bikers. That's not who I am. It makes me feel horrible even if someone does find me attractive because it always confirms the things I hate about me..."yes, you are this big guy and everyone sees it and you can't get rid of it. And you'll be expected to remain silent at best about the remarks you receive, if not to smile and act like you enjoy being seen this way."

cmriverside · January 2021

Well this took a very sad misguided turn.

You are a unique and powerful child of God (or child of the Universe or child of Allah, or child of the Stars, whatever.)

However you were formed is perfect for YOU, and it will be a match for lots of women.

I think gratitude would be a good place for you to start. Write down three things for which you are grateful. Do that again tomorrow and the day after that...

HerNameIsMischief · January 2021

I'd like to add that just because I have responses/arguments to a lot of posts doesn't mean I'm blowing off all the advice here. I'm visiting family, but I fly home tonight and tomorrow I'm going to check my coverage and see what it gives me for mental health.

The thing is, I don't want to like myself this way, and I don't just mean being fat. I've had plenty of idiots say "Well, what are you going to do, cut your legs off? Maybe get a wheelchair so you never have to stand and nobody will see how tall you are!" I know I'm stuck with some of these things and that - God, I hate saying this - I'm probably always going to be seen as big. That's often sent me into spirals of self-hate, sometimes drinking, and certainly not eating well or doing any kind of exercise not related to going to the store. I'm really not sure how to deal with this and I don't expect to have answers overnight. Maybe I'll be so happy to lose weight that I can deal with my height or broad shoulders or, God help us, even being bald since I'd be able to at least reduce the remarks to "you're tall" rather than "you're big" or the football player/bouncer comments that hurt me so much.

snowflake954 · January 2021

I'm so glad that you're considering seeing a counselor. I hope it puts you in a better place. You must deal with this. Your future happiness depends on your self view. I told you I am 66 and I have 3 sons--35, 34, and 27. I have 5 brothers. I know men. One of my son's is your height. I'm 5'11 and when he comes up and gives me a bear hug, I just feel small and so good. I'm just telling you what I'd tell one of the men in my family--see a specialist, you're too down on yourself. Everyone has special aspects that need to be brought to the fore. You will always be you, just need to promote a different part of you.

callsitlikeiseeit · January 2021

I'd like to suggest therapy.

My husband met me at my lowest weight.

He loves me 50 pounds heavier.

He'd still love me if I gained more.

HE LOVES ME. not a number on a scale or a clothing size and I'm certainly FAR more as a person than what size jeans I wear. And he is NOT a big guy. 140 pounds soaking wet. tops. His ex wife and ALL of his ex girlfriends were teeny tiny. He fell in love with ME. WHO I AM. That does not change. weight can and does.

If you can't love me at my worst, you do not DESERVE ME at my BEST.

HerNameIsMischief · January 2021

snowflake954 wrote: »

One of my son's is your height. I'm 5'11 and when he comes up and gives me a bear hug, I just feel small and so good.

While I know it was meant as a compliment, when someone says something like that to me, it makes me feel awful.

HerNameIsMischief · January 2021

callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »

I'd like to suggest therapy.

My husband met me at my lowest weight.

He loves me 50 pounds heavier.

Yeah, and maybe if you had met him at your higher weight, he wouldn't have been attracted to you enough to want to get to know you/date you. Looks usually come first, especially now that most dating is done through websites or apps that allow people to "shop" through photos before reading profiles. And I don't blame people for it. Unless you get to know someone first (say through work or a club or something), looks are how people determine who they want to give a chance to, dating wise, myself included.

Dating while I look my worst is not a good idea. I'm going to attract far fewer women and often more desperate ones who'd prefer a slimmer guy but can't afford to be picky. And my negative views about my appearance will most likely ruin the relationship because I'm going to be unhappy if she makes remarks about my size and it's unfair to her to say "You're not allowed to find me physically attractive, or you have to at least be quiet about it."

Looks are not everything, but they are often the gateway to getting to know someone better and then deciding if they have more than just outer looks.

callsitlikeiseeit · January 2021

HerNameIsMischief wrote: »

callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »

I'd like to suggest therapy.

My husband met me at my lowest weight.

He loves me 50 pounds heavier.

Yeah, and maybe if you had met him at your higher weight, he wouldn't have been attracted to you enough to want to get to know you/date you. Looks usually come first, especially now that most dating is done through websites or apps that allow people to "shop" through photos before reading profiles. And I don't blame people for it. Unless you get to know someone first (say through work or a club or something), looks are how people determine who they want to give a chance to, dating wise, myself included.

Dating while I look my worst is not a good idea. I'm going to attract far fewer women and often more desperate ones who'd prefer a slimmer guy but can't afford to be picky. And my negative views about my appearance will most likely ruin the relationship because I'm going to be unhappy if she makes remarks about my size and it's unfair to her to say "You're not allowed to find me physically attractive, or you have to at least be quiet about it."

Looks are not everything, but they are often the gateway to getting to know someone better and then deciding if they have more than just outer looks.

with your attitude, id never date you no matter your weight.

best of luck to you

PS I met my husband online. There was ONE photo of me. He got more when I decided He wasnt a total jerk. He also only had ONE photo.

springlering62 · January 2021

You remind me of my brother. He was so extraordinarily lonely and took it out on himself. Never had a friend, never moved out of parents’ home, never had a personal relationship. It was heartbreaking.

He didn’t like the texture of his hair and pulled it all out. He didn’t like being bald so he got a hair transplant, which failed and left extensive scarring. He didn’t like the scarring and wore a hat everywhere, having a particularly foul screaming fit at TSA after being asked to remove his hat and nearly getting me arrested after I ran backwards through security to try to help. That was the breaking point for my husband.

He didn’t like that he was gay. He thought we (family) didn’t know and was outraged when we begged him to bring home someone-anyone- who would make him happy. He hated himself for that, and we couldn’t get him to understand that we didn’t care. All we wanted was to see some joy in his life. Male, female, eunuch. We. Did. Not. Care.

He is now in his mid 50’s, spiraled down, if it was possible, did something too horrible to discuss that he thought would make him happy, it didn’t, and is now making several other lives a living hell. Not a damn thing we can do about it, and god knows, the whole family has tried every type of emotional and financial support.

I hear his dissatisfaction with life in your written words.

I bet you have a sister or parent or other relative who cares as much as we did.

Please please please reach out for help. People really do care. I see my brother. I ache for you.

There are people who will take you just as you are, love you, and do their damndest to help you be whole. But it’s up to you to get past the self loathing and open up enough to let someone in, whether it’s a friend, lover or therapist.

You get one life in this planet. Every day is your personal gift, a new opportunity to make it something different, even if it’s the littlest change each day.

I’m homely, I’ve got severe scoliosis, my breath ain’t like flowers, and I have any number of downright gross habits. I’ve been fat, I’ve been underweight. I am probably the worst nag on the planet, I have a negative attitude, and I am a royal *kitten*. Plus my family is an absolute cluster *kitten*, and my husband was infinitely saddled with them the first 25 years of our marriage while I still worked for them.

My husband loves me as I am, and kept me in spite of the baggage. The comfort of having a rock to lean on is indescribable.

You deserve all this every bit as much as the rest of us. Postponing joy to wallow in misery is just plain selfishness.

snowflake954 · January 2021

HerNameIsMischief wrote: »

snowflake954 wrote: »

One of my son's is your height. I'm 5'11 and when he comes up and gives me a bear hug, I just feel small and so good.

While I know it was meant as a compliment, when someone says something like that to me, it makes me feel awful.

And THIS is exactly your problem--you should feel wonderful, powerful, masculine,....... The question is --why not? You need to figure it out. Do you hug your Mom, or your Dad? Do you ever think they're waiting for the day? Maybe they don't say a word...just wait...for you. Think about it.

HerNameIsMischief · January 2021

snowflake954 wrote: »

And THIS is exactly your problem--you should feel wonderful, powerful, masculine,....... The question is --why not? You need to figure it out.

I want to be seen as average; I don't like people pointing out how "huge" I am. A lot of people here don't want to be seen as big and so they lose weight in part to try and kill those rude comments. (I'm reminded of an old gym ad showing a woman working out and the ad copy was "This is for my aunt who said I was 'just big boned.'") When they say they love feeling small next to me, I think they think they look better when standing next to me and since I'm just a big dumb guy, I'm supposed to be satisfied with that because guys aren't supposed to care how they look, at least not if (any) woman says they look good the way they are.

I know a lot of this is impossible and I'm struggling to reconcile the fact that I'm stuck this way no matter how hard I'm willing to work, and that even if I kill myself exercising and dieting, the rude remarks will likely still come. I'm hoping that maybe some meds will help lessen some of the anger. I'll never get to the point where I take pride in being a big guy, but I think I can get to the point where I'm not, at least in my darker moods, calling myself ugly and that nobody but the most desperate woman would want me. Neither one of those things is true. And while losing weight obviously is not going to change my height or build, perhaps when I lose enough, I can at least avoid some of the football player/bouncer remarks which are probably based on my weight at least as much as my height.

callsitlikeiseeit · January 2021

I strongly urge you to find a good therapist. Losing weight will not solve your self esteem problems. You will be thinner with the SAME problems. nothing more, nothing less.

Noreenmarie1234 · January 2021

Idk why you think everyone is turned off from tall guys. I would find a 6'3 man very attractive. Love tall guys.

snowflake954 · January 2021

HerNameIsMischief wrote: »

snowflake954 wrote: »

And THIS is exactly your problem--you should feel wonderful, powerful, masculine,....... The question is --why not? You need to figure it out.

I want to be seen as average; I don't like people pointing out how "huge" I am. A lot of people here don't want to be seen as big and so they lose weight in part to try and kill those rude comments. (I'm reminded of an old gym ad showing a woman working out and the ad copy was "This is for my aunt who said I was 'just big boned.'") When they say they love feeling small next to me, I think they think they look better when standing next to me and since I'm just a big dumb guy, I'm supposed to be satisfied with that because guys aren't supposed to care how they look, at least not if (any) woman says they look good the way they are.

I know a lot of this is impossible and I'm struggling to reconcile the fact that I'm stuck this way no matter how hard I'm willing to work, and that even if I kill myself exercising and dieting, the rude remarks will likely still come. I'm hoping that maybe some meds will help lessen some of the anger. I'll never get to the point where I take pride in being a big guy, but I think I can get to the point where I'm not, at least in my darker moods, calling myself ugly and that nobody but the most desperate woman would want me. Neither one of those things is true. And while losing weight obviously is not going to change my height or build, perhaps when I lose enough, I can at least avoid some of the football player/bouncer remarks which are probably based on my weight at least as much as my height.

Oh--I know more than you think. I'm very tall for a woman and have been since 16. I've never been obese, mostly slim to average, but I have a large bone structure--think St. Bernard, not greyhound. I hated it. Overly tall, blonde, I felt like a lighthouse where ever I went. I felt people looking at me (real or imagined). I had a boyfriend that was a lot shorter than me in high school and felt huge. Then in college finally went with a guy taller than me. I loved it and him, but didn't work out. After about 10 years I met my Italian husband. He's my height (almost), so had to wear flats. He loves me so much to this day, but going to Italy and living in the midst of a shorter darker population was a challenge. I had so much trouble finding size 10 shoes, and flat besides.

So, I know very well how it is to feel out of place height wise. Thats why my advice is gold. Take it.

skinnyrev2b · January 2021

I wrote a long post replying rather like @callsitlikeiseeit , but in my case, my OH had no photos of me, only a memory of a meeting, and met me at my heaviest. (I then lost 3 stone - he still loved me - and loves me still when I've put it all back on.) He too is 6.3. He too hunches over - mostly cos he's afraid of hitting his head on things, but also cos he's got sloping shoulders. He loved ME, not the excess baggage. And I him.
I deleted that post, as I didn't think you were going to be able to 'hear' any of the (frankly) excellent advice on this thread so far. However, what you've written gives me hope. So here's my next thoughts...
You've written (out of context, I'll grant you):
hate myself
Ugly
Desperate
Kill myself
Cringe
Dumb
Ignore hunger pangs (I know this was intended to mean in the short term - but in the context of the above, that can become dangerously close to self harm...)
No one can nor should tell you what to feel, or what to see when you look in the mirror.
I wonder though, whose voices you ARE hearing when you read through those comments above. Who called you dumb big guy?
Who said you were ugly?
Who said bald men were unattractive?
Who said 6ft 3 was TOO tall?
It may be a succession of people, making comments along the way. The first step though is separating out those other voices from your own. What do YOU think about yourself? What 1 thing do YOU LIKE about yourself? (Maybe the fact that you're on here, being honest about your journey - which imho is awesome)
Yeah, I'm sure you'll be calling yourself out for being too 'whatever'. But find one thing that you like. Please. Feel free to message me with what it is. I'd love to continue the conversation- especially if there's no provision for a counsellor where you are.
Because, as a human being, you are worth knowing, hearing, respecting and loving. Regardless of size, ethnicity, gender, wealth or any other distinction you'd like to make.

HerNameIsMischief · January 2021

Noreenmarie1234 wrote: »

Idk why you think everyone is turned off from tall guys. I would find a 6'3 man very attractive. Love tall guys.

I don't think they're turned off. Maybe if I was 6'5" or above, women would say that's just too much. But just because they like it doesn't mean I do, and I don't like the image that comes with it, esp. when combined with being bald.

HerNameIsMischief · January 2021

skinnyrev2b wrote: »

No one can nor should tell you what to feel, or what to see when you look in the mirror.
I wonder though, whose voices you ARE hearing when you read through those comments above. Who called you dumb big guy?
Who said you were ugly?
Who said bald men were unattractive?
Who said 6ft 3 was TOO tall?
It may be a succession of people, making comments along the way. The first step though is separating out those other voices from your own. What do YOU think about yourself?

I'm listening to my own voice. Nobody told me "being big is bad, you should hate it." It's just not "me". I feel like I look the opposite of who I am and I often get prejudged based on it. When I did date, women wouldn't read my profile and just looked at my pix and inferred that I was some big rugged blue-collar type who loves football and beer. I like books and movies and I hated that I was never the "type" of smarter women more into intellectual stuff. I look like Joe Six-Pack. That might help understand why it's not a compliment when people point out my size...to me, it proves that I look exactly like I fear I do to people. It's the same as a slender or small guy who wishes he were a big beefy Real Man, except at least that guy is taken seriously, whereas people tell me I'm crazy and obligated to love my stature...because other guys would like being that way.

Not Hungry

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