Not Hungry

124

Replies

  • snowflake954
    snowflake954 Posts: 8,399 Member
    HerNameIsMischief wrote: »
    It's also real easy for women to say "being bald is no big deal" and while I'm not going to be so disingenuous as to say a woman going bald is the same as a man going bald, but it changes you. You are no longer young. You are no longer attractive in a traditional sense. Big, tall guys like me (esp. being bald) have the option to default to the atavistic meathead pro wrestler tough guy football oaf and most people figure if some women find you attractive, you're okay. I'm not.

    And still, people say that since I am bald, but also tall and not scrawny, that I have no right to dislike how I look (more like the right to be taken seriously) because I fit a stereotype and some other guys would like to be my height.

    It is ironic--you are the one stereotyping.
  • HerNameIsMischief
    HerNameIsMischief Posts: 158 Member
    As I said earlier, just because I ask people to elaborate or have responses to what they say does not mean I'm ignoring what I read or throwing out people's advice. Yes, I roll my eyes at some of the "it doesn't matter what you look like...anyone who judges you by your outer appearance isn't the right person for you" shtick because while it's the way we'd like it to be, we all judge by outer appearance, especially when dating, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I'm not saying that's all people judge by, but since I plan on using dating sites, most daters will take a quick look at a photo and then decide if they're interested enough to learn more about you. Still, I have gotten a lot of valuable input from the people here.

    And I've focused on physical appearance here because that's what I have an issue with. That doesn't mean that all I care about when dating is if she looks good on my arm.
  • HerNameIsMischief
    HerNameIsMischief Posts: 158 Member
    snowflake954 wrote: »
    HerNameIsMischief wrote: »
    It's also real easy for women to say "being bald is no big deal" and while I'm not going to be so disingenuous as to say a woman going bald is the same as a man going bald, but it changes you. You are no longer young. You are no longer attractive in a traditional sense. Big, tall guys like me (esp. being bald) have the option to default to the atavistic meathead pro wrestler tough guy football oaf and most people figure if some women find you attractive, you're okay. I'm not.

    And still, people say that since I am bald, but also tall and not scrawny, that I have no right to dislike how I look (more like the right to be taken seriously) because I fit a stereotype and some other guys would like to be my height.

    It is ironic--you are the one stereotyping.

    No, it's not ironic, it's coincidental. Ironic would be if I were to come on here saying that I didn't judge women by their appearance and they shouldn't do that to me either. I openly admit that, when dating, I care what the woman looks like. I'm not saying it's wrong for them to notice how I look or even to make judgements based on it. My anger is placed on me for looking this way, not at other people for noticing it. I'd rather they not make remarks about it but I'm also aware enough that what I deem "rude remarks" about my height or size are, to them, compliments or merely observations, like when someone asks me to reach something on the top shelf at the grocery store.

    While it would hurt to hear it, I wouldn't be angry if someone said, "You're just too tall for me" or even "Sorry, I prefer guys with hair" unless they said it in an obviously rude way. At least not angry at them.
  • HerNameIsMischief
    HerNameIsMischief Posts: 158 Member
    callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »
    Until you learn to make peace with yourself and love who you are, you are never going to be happy with another person. You've already said as much yourself, in fact. As a single woman in the dating world I'm asking, please...don't start dating until you seek help.

    I said this several times in the thread while people were saying I should date right now despite how I look. I know my jaundiced view of myself would poison a relationship and it's also not fair to the woman to say, "I don't like how I look, so if you say anything positive about me physically, get ready for some sulking." While losing weight won't magically solve all my problems, I don't buy the "when you get slim, you'll just find something new to hate" bit. I may not be able to lose as much weight as I want. I will never be able to look how I truly want, and one of my biggest challenges is to learn to deal with the stuff I can't change and the remarks I receive.

  • HerNameIsMischief
    HerNameIsMischief Posts: 158 Member
    dragon_girl26 wrote: »
    Thats the other thing I was going to mention...you said you don't buy it, but you have already started finding other things to hate about yourself...baldness...your height....and you haven't even lost the weight yet.

    Those are things I already hated about myself, not things I have "already started finding," and I mentioned them in my previous posts. Yes, I have to accept that I can't fix my height and that some people will see me as a big guy just because I'm a half foot taller than the average guy. And yes, I have to accept being bald (I've been bald longer than I've had hair, so I've pretty much "accepted" it...I just don't like that it contributes to the "big bald oaf" look that I hate). It's hard because I'm jealous of people who can go from big to small and kill those rude remarks about their size and I can't, and it's going to be as big a challenge as losing the weight.

  • HerNameIsMischief
    HerNameIsMischief Posts: 158 Member
    kerrym1980 wrote: »
    It doesn't sound at all as though you've accepted it, as evidenced by this increasingly ridiculous thread and other posts you've made elsewhere. You asked for responses, you directed the thread onto this subject and you've had nearly 100 replies trying to support and offer guidance, to the point of people getting fed up. You say you're reading and listening, and yet over and over you reply with the same comments, you stereotype other people despite complaining about being stereoyped yourself and you're frankly insulting to a large group of women (the 'desperate' ones who will 'settle' for you as you are now).

    Yes, I have accepted it. I accept that I will probably be bald the rest of my life. Acceptance is not the same as loving something.

    Stop trying to turn this into a gender issue. How would you describe men that you didn't want to date? And for the last goddamn time, I NEVER SAID IT WAS WRONG FOR WOMEN TO JUDGE ME BASED ON MY LOOKS BECAUSE I DO THE SAME THING. IT'S HUMAN NATURE. If I were gay or a woman, I'd be saying the same thing about men: "I wish I looked different so that they wouldn't see me as a football player, etc., etc."

    And, as I said before, just because I have responses and even arguments about people's comments don't mean I think they're totally full of *kitten*. And if you're fed up, stop posting.


  • HerNameIsMischief
    HerNameIsMischief Posts: 158 Member
    edited February 2021
    kerrym1980 wrote: »
    1. Never said acceptance = loving something. You go on and on ad infinitum about it. That's not acceptance.
    2. It IS a gender issue when you refer to women who would date larger men as 'desperate' and 'settling'. You've said similar in other threads.
    3. I never suggested that you said it was wrong for women - or anyone - to judge you based on your looks, but you have constantly suggested this yourself.
    4. You're arguing with people who have tried, for 100 comments, to offer you support. You seem to want to wallow in your misery rather than wrap it up.
    5. I'm not fed up. As I said way back, I see a lot of myself in the concerns you have and I started out by wanting to offer empathy and support, but this thread is no longer helping you and, to be honest, you're increasingly unpleasant and argumentative, so I'll wish you well.

    1. So what is "accepting" to you?
    2. As I said previously, I'd say the same thing about men. Plenty of men are desperate and settle for less for various reasons. Not everyone gets their dream person and yes, a lot of people do settle because they're afraid to be alone.
    3. No, I never said that. I suppose you could say I "suggested" it because I didn't add "Of course, plenty of men settle as well."
    4. Once again, JUST BECAUSE I RESPOND TO PEOPLE DOES NOT MEAN I AM REFUTING OR SHRUGGING OFF THEIR ADVICE. And I've made more than one post letting people here as a whole know that just because I have a response to what they say doesn't mean I think their advice is crap.
    5. You said "people are getting fed up." I presume that that statement, as well as the tone of your recent posts, means you feel the same way. Not to mention that you said more than once that you were giving up because you didn't think I was listening or didn't understand what you were saying. That sounds like "fed up" to me.

    I appreciate your past posts and I realize that there's only so much you can say to a guy who says he's unattractive because of things he can't change. I will also concede that some of my more pessimistic remarks were made when I was in a rotten mood, but I still do not believe that looks do not matter, that only shallow people care what another person looks like, or that if someone else thinks I look good, that should take precedence over my own feelings. Plenty of people out there are attracted to fat men/women...does that mean that they shouldn't feel bad about how they look?
  • hist_doc
    hist_doc Posts: 206 Member
    ChickenKillerPuppy wrote: »
    I disagree with the (well meaning) folks on here who say you should feel "masculine" and take it as a compliment when women feel small and wonderful next to you. First of all, it's not your job to make other people feel better about themselves in comparison to you. If someone said to me "I feel so small next to you" or "I generally feel stupid but next to you I feel smart" I would be offended too. You also have every right to define masculinity and your desired look which may be different than what others think looks "good" on a guy (which seems to be larger-than-a-woman).

    I just would put height and bald in a different category than weight, because you can't change the first two but you can change the third. It sounds like you recognize you need some work in self-acceptance (at least in the first two categories). I was so put off by the thought that you shouldn't worry about being bald because "some women don't care about looks" because that is really misleading. Some women actually find being bald attractive! But I digress.

    I'm sure you know this, but confidence is a very attractive quality. Losing weight did make me more confident, but it was really the journey over the year it took to get to my goal, changing my life habits, and looking inward that lead to me accepting myself (disclaimer: it's still a work in progress!). Podcasts helped me a lot. I listen to "We Only Look Thin" and "Half Size Me" and both talk about mindset A LOT. It's hard to undo all the self-hatred, but you can get there. It takes time.

    Good luck, and stick with it, despite the reactive responses you are getting. And for whatever it's worth, I opened both your pictures and you are OBJECTIVELY pretty cute to me. Remember women have different tastes - it's not that "some people don't care about looks" as much as "some people find your look attractive." Google my state's Lieutenant Governor (PA) John Fetterman. He's 6'8", bald, and a tough looking dude. Also a Harvard grad, was an incredible mayor of a small town, and now is the best Lieutenant Governor we've ever had. Lots of us don't equate big and bald with oaf.

    Agreed!

    @HerNameIsMischief Regarding the bald thing... Some women find bald men attractive. I’m one of those women. I met my husband when he was in his mid 40s and already bald. I find him adorable and could not picture him with hair. He’s not built like the Rock—he was chubbalicious when I met him and still is. I’m a marathoner and a fitness fanatic. I only say this because we don’t happen to share a love of fitness but we love each other. People love who they love for who they are.

    You have attractive features. And even if you didn’t, you should be kind to yourself. I have suffered from body dysmorphia since I was a child. My case has been so severe that I couldn’t bear to have my skin touch itself, as in allow my skin to fold naturally. Over the course of many years in treatment, I’ve learned to curb my hateful language inward and ask “would I say this to my best friend or someone I love?” If the answer is no, then I know I need to change the internal dialogue. It is hard, but you can do it. One word at a time. My motto became “erase and replace.”

    @ChickenKillerPuppy Yes, I too, adore John Fetterman. The man seems so kind, genuine, and has a brilliant mind. I simply adore when he gives interviews from rest stops. I’m also from PA!
  • 7rainbow
    7rainbow Posts: 161 Member
    I'm sorry to hear you are upset about your weight/apperance. As others have said, try not to take what people tell you too personally, the majority of people who comment on people's looks are trying to compliment them! But I get it, I used to be really thin and ate a lot. At work I was called "doughnut girl" cause I ate doughnuts everyday, and people always made jokes about how much I ate, assuming it was okay because I was thin (I stated eating my lunch in the closet at work because of this). Try to let people know that these remarks hurt your feelings, and then they can learn from their mistakes, I wish I did that. When it comes to what people find attractive, it varies of course. Like thee commenter who liked your bald head, whether you hate it or not, some people will love it. I've learned that you should just be how you please, and ignore other's opinions. Some girls like big, muscular guys, some like thin guys, some like bald guys, some like guys with hair... So just go for what makes you comfortable. Hope you are able to find happiness with yourself! Sending hugs!

Categories