Not Hungry
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callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »
because she does.
vin diesel is hot.
and the rock. super hot.
people like what they like.
Yeah, but what image do both of them have, likeable as they can be? Big tough oafs.
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When I was a kid, no more than 10, I thought Yul Brenner was hot. Lol. I still think so.4
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L1zardQueen wrote: »When I was a kid, no more than 10, I thought Yul Brenner was hot. Lol. I still think so.
Not arguing, and I think I know the answer, but can you elaborate as to why?
I only know Brynner from "The Ten Commandments" and "The Magnificent Seven." However, occasionally I've collected photos of bald men who did not look like big dumb oafs as a way to remind me that there is a way to be attractive even if you're bald. You might like this one.
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Nooooooo
Yessssss7 -
It's also real easy for women to say "being bald is no big deal" and while I'm not going to be so disingenuous as to say a woman going bald is the same as a man going bald, but it changes you. You are no longer young. You are no longer attractive in a traditional sense. Big, tall guys like me (esp. being bald) have the option to default to the atavistic meathead pro wrestler tough guy football oaf and most people figure if some women find you attractive, you're okay. I'm not.
And still, people say that since I am bald, but also tall and not scrawny, that I have no right to dislike how I look (more like the right to be taken seriously) because I fit a stereotype and some other guys would like to be my height.3 -
HerNameIsMischief wrote: »It's also real easy for women to say "being bald is no big deal" and while I'm not going to be so disingenuous as to say a woman going bald is the same as a man going bald, but it changes you. You are no longer young. You are no longer attractive in a traditional sense. Big, tall guys like me (esp. being bald) have the option to default to the atavistic meathead pro wrestler tough guy football oaf and most people figure if some women find you attractive, you're okay. I'm not.
And still, people say that since I am bald, but also tall and not scrawny, that I have no right to dislike how I look (more like the right to be taken seriously) because I fit a stereotype and some other guys would like to be my height.
If you’re alluding to my reply, my intention was not to imply that a woman being temporarily bald is subjectively similar to a man being permanently bald – I don’t think it would be.
My point was that perhaps having a skull that’s proportionate to face, not bumpy, wrinkly, etc., may be part of what makes certain people, male or female, relatively more attractive than others when bald. At the time, I felt some gratitude for that small grace, temporary though the baldness was.
If my point had been factors that could potentially make a person feel no longer young, no longer attractive, it would’ve made more sense to comment on what I set aside as “all the other things going on”: Both breasts were surgically removed because they tried to kill me, and I experienced a degree of permanent cognitive decline (from the chemo) that centrally affected my sense of self.
In practice, I didn’t frame those things that way; it seemed a better choice to feel grateful to be alive, with a potential positive future, especially as my husband’s death at 45 not long before had underscored what cancer could do, if it chose. That was all 20+ years ago, and life has in fact been pretty good since.
But none of that is relevant to your situation, directly, either. I does make me feel like I have some power to frame my personal experience in various ways, and that those choices will affect how my life proceeds, going forward. I’m not sure whether other people have that kind of choice in framing, or not. I’ve only been me.
But I digress – apologies.
Of course you have every right to dislike how you look, and to feel that it makes people stereotype you in a way that's not your true self. I think it's a little odd how much you seem to dislike it when other people perceive you positively, because their aesthetic preferences are different, but perhaps I'm misunderstanding that part.9 -
OP, IMO you have a very skewed perspective of what's important in life and how you play a part in your own life. No one, absolutely no one, is going to be able to convince you that you're a worthy human being. Losing weight isn't going to help. Having a beautiful girl on your arm isn't going to help. Having a full head of hair isn't going to help. People have tried to offer you encouraging words about how they see you and that obviously isn't helpful. The best thing you can do for yourself is seek a qualified reputable therapist to help you accept yourself as you are. Truthfully, the only turn-off I've gotten from you is your self-loathing.
You'd have to have pretty low standards to say that you were cheered by strangers telling you you're a worthy human being. Losing weight will help me. I will never achieve my ideal, but I'm not going to buy that if I lose 50 lbs (I've already lost more than 15), I won't feel good about it. And who are you to say that nothing anyone has said hasn't helped me...especially after I made a special post to let people know that while I often debate or question their posts, I do listen to what they have to say?1 -
HerNameIsMischief wrote: »L1zardQueen wrote: »When I was a kid, no more than 10, I thought Yul Brenner was hot. Lol. I still think so.
Not arguing, and I think I know the answer, but can you elaborate as to why?
I only know Brynner from "The Ten Commandments" and "The Magnificent Seven." However, occasionally I've collected photos of bald men who did not look like big dumb oafs as a way to remind me that there is a way to be attractive even if you're bald. You might like this one.
Not with the cigarette in his hand. That's what makes him look dumb, not his physique or his shaved head. And he would have agreed with me at the end of his life, when he made anti-smoking commercials that were aired after his death from lung cancer.2 -
While I don't like cigarette smoking, livingIf you’re alluding to my reply, my intention was not to imply that a woman being temporarily bald is subjectively similar to a man being permanently bald – I don’t think it would be.
My point was that perhaps having a skull that’s proportionate to face, not bumpy, wrinkly, etc., may be part of what makes certain people, male or female, relatively more attractive than others when bald. At the time, I felt some gratitude for that small grace, temporary though the baldness was.
Of course you have every right to dislike how you look, and to feel that it makes people stereotype you in a way that's not your true self. I think it's a little odd how much you seem to dislike it when other people perceive you positively, because their aesthetic preferences are different, but perhaps I'm misunderstanding that part.
I wasn't alluding to your response. When I started to lose my hair, I was angry that while it was seen as traumatic for a woman to lose their hair, my hair loss was seen as comical, complete with head rubs and wig catalogs, usually followed by remarks on how I shouldn't be mad and should "learn to love myself" and "accept that nobody's perfect" and that "many women out there don't care how you look as long as you have a beautiful heart."
Why is it that it's funny for a guy to lose his hair and even when he's ridiculed, he's supposed to laugh it off? And why is it that a big guy like me is obligated to love it when someone else likes how small he is?
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L1zardQueen wrote: »
Nooooooo
Yessssss
While he looks good, I hate that everyone notices my height and size.1 -
What exactly were you hoping to gain from this thread? Have you received what you aimed for?
This thread turned into a group of strangers trying to convince you that your view of yourself is schewed. It wouldn't be unreasonable if this were true, considering it's very rare for one to view themselves accurately. Hell, I could argue that there's no such thing as an accurate perception of oneself. Our reflection is always changing based on the reflective surface (mirrors, the eyes of people, etc.).
I understand that you dislike your appearance. I often dislike my appearance. I look in the mirror and see all of my flaws laid out before me, not the beautiful traits that seem to be apparent to others. Sometimes there's a glimpse of that image but often I'm pinching myself, pulling at my body, disappointed that I'm not perfect. Isn't that a shame? I'm trying to work on this part of myself. It's not easy but there is so much more to us all than our physical appearance... There is so much beauty beyond those walls. I hope you can find that beauty in yourself.14 -
HerNameIsMischief wrote: »It's also real easy for women to say "being bald is no big deal" and while I'm not going to be so disingenuous as to say a woman going bald is the same as a man going bald, but it changes you. You are no longer young. You are no longer attractive in a traditional sense. Big, tall guys like me (esp. being bald) have the option to default to the atavistic meathead pro wrestler tough guy football oaf and most people figure if some women find you attractive, you're okay. I'm not.
And still, people say that since I am bald, but also tall and not scrawny, that I have no right to dislike how I look (more like the right to be taken seriously) because I fit a stereotype and some other guys would like to be my height.
It is ironic--you are the one stereotyping.4 -
HerNameIsMischief wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »Yes, I have a large frame too and have had a thing for tall guys since I was a teenager and hated my big feet and calves. (I've been over that for decades.)
And when I think that someone looks like a football player, it's COMPLIMENTARY. (I'm not thinking offensive linemen though.)
I hate that every tall or big girl likes that I offset her size and make her feel small....
What I really hate about the tall/big girls is not that I don't find them attractive, but because they've always felt awful about their size....but then they meet some guy, and since he's bigger than them, they're no longer The Big One and the guy takes all the brunt of the rude comments.
Wow. Honestly, at this point, you are the only one being judgemental and stereotyping in this thread. Tall girls have always felt awful about their size? What an assumption.
You've had some good advice, people have been kind, tried to reassure you, tried to give you some perspective but really, it sounds like you are just determined to be miserable and have decided that it is impossible for you to be happy with yourself. I really hope you find a happier place and agree that some therapy may help.
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if you insist on being miserable, judging yourself unnecessarily, judging WOMEN unnecessarily, rejecting the idea of therapy, and refusing to listen to our kind words, knowledge, and experience. well, some people make their own misery and I, for one, wipe my hands of it.
Best of luck to you. May all your unrealistic dreams come true.9 -
Not a big dumb oaf.22 -
HerNameIsMischief wrote: »It's also real easy for women to say "being bald is no big deal" and while I'm not going to be so disingenuous as to say a woman going bald is the same as a man going bald, but it changes you. You are no longer young. You are no longer attractive in a traditional sense. Big, tall guys like me (esp. being bald) have the option to default to the atavistic meathead pro wrestler tough guy football oaf and most people figure if some women find you attractive, you're okay. I'm not.
And still, people say that since I am bald, but also tall and not scrawny, that I have no right to dislike how I look (more like the right to be taken seriously) because I fit a stereotype and some other guys would like to be my height.
You have every right to dislike the way you look and not feel comfortable in your own skin BUT, for you, it appears to be an obsession! You're basing ALL your potential current happiness on what you look like. That, to me, is so sad because all this time is being wasted IMO. While you could be out there enjoying a good book, picking up trash(yes, I did that all last summer and it felt GOOD), laughing at a great movie, chatting with people and learning about their lives, you've chosen to hate yourself. I bet if you were able to get out of your head for a bit and be interested in what the next person has to share about themselves, and really listen to them, you'd find after awhile you might not hate yourself so much.
How you feel about yourself shines through. If you hate yourself people are going to be hard pressed to see beyond that. They don't want to be around people who are so bent on self hate. Honestly, being bald, tall, what you consider an oaf, all of that is simply decoration. What's going to happen 40 yrs. down the road; how are you going to feel about what you look like then?? BE interested in others, take a risk and open yourself up to learn about other people for a change, not simply how they feel about your looks.
Take it from a 67 yo female(very thin hair due to genetics) who has weighed anywhere between 129-225 at 5'10". Sure, I wasn't comfortable in my skin weighing 225, being called Moose and every other name in the book. I've been miserable at times due to my appearance. People pick up on that so much more than how they felt about my appearance. It is all about attitude. Carry a smile, ask people about themselves, get out of your own head that's telling you to hate the way you look.
Like I said, you have a right to not like your looks. BUT you've made it into an obsession, a stop sign for not living your life in the meantime, for not giving other potential friends/mates, etc., a chance.13 -
Redordeadhead wrote: »HerNameIsMischief wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »Yes, I have a large frame too and have had a thing for tall guys since I was a teenager and hated my big feet and calves. (I've been over that for decades.)
And when I think that someone looks like a football player, it's COMPLIMENTARY. (I'm not thinking offensive linemen though.)
I hate that every tall or big girl likes that I offset her size and make her feel small....
What I really hate about the tall/big girls is not that I don't find them attractive, but because they've always felt awful about their size....but then they meet some guy, and since he's bigger than them, they're no longer The Big One and the guy takes all the brunt of the rude comments.
Wow. Honestly, at this point, you are the only one being judgemental and stereotyping in this thread. Tall girls have always felt awful about their size? What an assumption.
You've had some good advice, people have been kind, tried to reassure you, tried to give you some perspective but really, it sounds like you are just determined to be miserable and have decided that it is impossible for you to be happy with yourself. I really hope you find a happier place and agree that some therapy may help.
I've been following this thread and I concur. I'm not sure what OP wanted out of it at this point, except to argue with everyone. It's exhausting reading all of it, quite frankly. The problem here is definitely not your appearance, but your attitude. That is your real hindrance to dating, OP. Your insistence on being miserable, putting down potential partners just because they like you for you,, and hating yourself at all costs is off-putting. Sad, too, because otherwise you're a nice looking guy and you seem intelligent. Until you learn to make peace with yourself and love who you are, you are never going to be happy with another person. You've already said as much yourself, in fact. As a single woman in the dating world I'm asking, please...don't start dating until you seek help.17 -
As I said earlier, just because I ask people to elaborate or have responses to what they say does not mean I'm ignoring what I read or throwing out people's advice. Yes, I roll my eyes at some of the "it doesn't matter what you look like...anyone who judges you by your outer appearance isn't the right person for you" shtick because while it's the way we'd like it to be, we all judge by outer appearance, especially when dating, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I'm not saying that's all people judge by, but since I plan on using dating sites, most daters will take a quick look at a photo and then decide if they're interested enough to learn more about you. Still, I have gotten a lot of valuable input from the people here.
And I've focused on physical appearance here because that's what I have an issue with. That doesn't mean that all I care about when dating is if she looks good on my arm.
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snowflake954 wrote: »HerNameIsMischief wrote: »It's also real easy for women to say "being bald is no big deal" and while I'm not going to be so disingenuous as to say a woman going bald is the same as a man going bald, but it changes you. You are no longer young. You are no longer attractive in a traditional sense. Big, tall guys like me (esp. being bald) have the option to default to the atavistic meathead pro wrestler tough guy football oaf and most people figure if some women find you attractive, you're okay. I'm not.
And still, people say that since I am bald, but also tall and not scrawny, that I have no right to dislike how I look (more like the right to be taken seriously) because I fit a stereotype and some other guys would like to be my height.
It is ironic--you are the one stereotyping.
No, it's not ironic, it's coincidental. Ironic would be if I were to come on here saying that I didn't judge women by their appearance and they shouldn't do that to me either. I openly admit that, when dating, I care what the woman looks like. I'm not saying it's wrong for them to notice how I look or even to make judgements based on it. My anger is placed on me for looking this way, not at other people for noticing it. I'd rather they not make remarks about it but I'm also aware enough that what I deem "rude remarks" about my height or size are, to them, compliments or merely observations, like when someone asks me to reach something on the top shelf at the grocery store.
While it would hurt to hear it, I wouldn't be angry if someone said, "You're just too tall for me" or even "Sorry, I prefer guys with hair" unless they said it in an obviously rude way. At least not angry at them.1 -
callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »Until you learn to make peace with yourself and love who you are, you are never going to be happy with another person. You've already said as much yourself, in fact. As a single woman in the dating world I'm asking, please...don't start dating until you seek help.
I said this several times in the thread while people were saying I should date right now despite how I look. I know my jaundiced view of myself would poison a relationship and it's also not fair to the woman to say, "I don't like how I look, so if you say anything positive about me physically, get ready for some sulking." While losing weight won't magically solve all my problems, I don't buy the "when you get slim, you'll just find something new to hate" bit. I may not be able to lose as much weight as I want. I will never be able to look how I truly want, and one of my biggest challenges is to learn to deal with the stuff I can't change and the remarks I receive.
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