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Height-ism?
Replies
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Honestly?
I've never felt the need to not date women who are taller than me. (...)janejellyroll wrote: »I truly believe that the vast majority of women are genetically programmed to not date men shorter than them. The proportion of male/female couples where the man is shorter than the woman is so small, much smaller than if random mixing occurred. Which begs the inevitable question: how do lesbians cope? Anyway, I happened to read a paper and it says that gay men prefer a partner who is slightly taller than them.
I have no idea why we're going with the idea that women are "genetically programmed" (yuck, by the way!) here. Why isn't it that men are "genetically programmed" to be attracted to women who are shorter than them?
I
Not a need, no, but a definite preference and I think everyone's entitled to have them. Not something I usually bring up, but...2 -
Yeah, that's the joke. It's supposed to represent what clueless women with double standards say on dating profiles.7 -
just came across this and chuckled, so wanted to share (tongue and cheek folks, tongue and cheek)
@T1DCarnivoreRunner - this is basically what you are saying, yes? You've encountered plenty of people who see no problem with this?
I screen for height and I know men screen for weight so always had a current picture and use words like "pleasantly plump" so men would be able to prescreen.2 -
bmeadows380 wrote: »@futurefit2020
Well, in my brother's case, he's not a controlling creep but i do think he's rather an idiot. He went and found him a wife that "needs" him alright; she sits on the couch and has emotional breakdowns while he works 10 hours a day and then does all the housework, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the 3 month old and 6 month old. She even expect him to get up and feed the infant because "she's just stressed" even though he is a trucker and needs to be up the next morning to drive.
Real peach, my sister in law......
Sounds like she has anxiety, depression, and from what you said in a later post, a drinking problem.
In his case, I'd insist she get therapy. One good thing about the pandemic is that access to mental health services via telehealth have been expanded.3 -
paperpudding wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying...
Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.
That's because men are lying, not because woman are terrible at evaluating men's heights.
I've done a lot of online dating and think I only met two men who didn't lie about their heights, and one of the liars was 6'3" and lied about being 6'4"! (My ex was 6'4" and I knew what standing next to someone that height was like.)
OK Cupid did the comparison:
https://theblog.okcupid.com/the-big-lies-people-tell-in-online-dating-a9e3990d6ae2
Not sure I would really call someone 6 ft 3 who said they were 6 ft 4 a liar - maybe he just rounded it up to next inch
I know I am just over 5 ft 3 and half - I usually just say I am 5 ft 4 - didnt think that was dishonest.
seems in the realm of saying I went to bed at 10 pm when I really went to bed at 9:55.
With fractions you can round up or down, but 6'3" is 6'3", not 6'4".0 -
AlexandraFindsHerself1971 wrote: »I've never sorted on height, although too many inches down or up from me is uncomfortable. (I like both genders, and a lot of women are shorter than me and a lot of men around here are taller than me.) What's more important to me is intelligence, a good sense of humor, a quick wit and congruencies in political outlook (my son is gay, I'm not dating a homophobe), religion or tolerance thereof, and allergies to pets, as well as having compatible kinks. My dominance is not merely in the bedroom, and I require partners who want to have me control their lives all the time. Otherwise it gets pretty uncomfortable for both of us. Also, some consideration of games within kink matter; I find rope boring as a top, and so if their idea of a fun kinky night involves being tied up, count me out. Not my thing.
And at the moment I have two partners, of seven and five years relationship duration, one male, one female, and we all live together very happily with two cats. We also have a varied and colorful bouquet of mental health issues, but we three manage them together.
Huh, now that it occurs to me, the handful of women with whom I have been involved have all been shorter than me. Not conscious selection on my part.0 -
kshama2001 wrote: »just came across this and chuckled, so wanted to share (tongue and cheek folks, tongue and cheek)
@T1DCarnivoreRunner - this is basically what you are saying, yes? You've encountered plenty of people who see no problem with this?
I screen for height and I know men screen for weight so always had a current picture and use words like "pleasantly plump" so men would be able to prescreen.
Yes, this is what I was saying.0 -
kshama2001 wrote: »paperpudding wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying...
Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.
That's because men are lying, not because woman are terrible at evaluating men's heights.
I've done a lot of online dating and think I only met two men who didn't lie about their heights, and one of the liars was 6'3" and lied about being 6'4"! (My ex was 6'4" and I knew what standing next to someone that height was like.)
OK Cupid did the comparison:
https://theblog.okcupid.com/the-big-lies-people-tell-in-online-dating-a9e3990d6ae2
Not sure I would really call someone 6 ft 3 who said they were 6 ft 4 a liar - maybe he just rounded it up to next inch
I know I am just over 5 ft 3 and half - I usually just say I am 5 ft 4 - didnt think that was dishonest.
seems in the realm of saying I went to bed at 10 pm when I really went to bed at 9:55.
With fractions you can round up or down, but 6'3" is 6'3", not 6'4".
you know us guys... always trying to squeeze an inch....
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I'm inspired all over again. 2
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At least around here, finding a guy taller than I am (and I'm 5'7") is not hard work. But the people who settled this area of the country were northern German/Polish people, and under the impetus of enough food, created big tall solid people. More quarterback than defensive line build. So I went through high school thinking that I was middle height for a woman. Maybe on the taller end of middle, but solidly middle. Of course, 5'7" was the second shortest woman in my family of origin. Our family average height was 6'2" for men and 5'11" for women.
I was surprised and amazed when the demographics of the area shifted due to immigration, and I went from being a middle-height woman to the tallest person there, not merely the tallest woman. Very unsettling. But I'm used to being taller than average now.1 -
AlexandraFindsHerself1971 wrote: »At least around here, finding a guy taller than I am (and I'm 5'7") is not hard work. But the people who settled this area of the country were northern German/Polish people, and under the impetus of enough food, created big tall solid people. More quarterback than defensive line build. So I went through high school thinking that I was middle height for a woman. Maybe on the taller end of middle, but solidly middle. Of course, 5'7" was the second shortest woman in my family of origin. Our family average height was 6'2" for men and 5'11" for women.
I was surprised and amazed when the demographics of the area shifted due to immigration, and I went from being a middle-height woman to the tallest person there, not merely the tallest woman. Very unsettling. But I'm used to being taller than average now.
I'm 6'1". No matter where I go, I'm tall. I have a bit of Danish/Scandinavian roots... So that's probably why. My mom and sis are both the same height... My daughters are 13&15 and only inches away from 6'.
We grow em tall. 🤪🤣5 -
kshama2001 wrote: »paperpudding wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying...
Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.
That's because men are lying, not because woman are terrible at evaluating men's heights.
I've done a lot of online dating and think I only met two men who didn't lie about their heights, and one of the liars was 6'3" and lied about being 6'4"! (My ex was 6'4" and I knew what standing next to someone that height was like.)
OK Cupid did the comparison:
https://theblog.okcupid.com/the-big-lies-people-tell-in-online-dating-a9e3990d6ae2
Not sure I would really call someone 6 ft 3 who said they were 6 ft 4 a liar - maybe he just rounded it up to next inch
I know I am just over 5 ft 3 and half - I usually just say I am 5 ft 4 - didnt think that was dishonest.
seems in the realm of saying I went to bed at 10 pm when I really went to bed at 9:55.
With fractions you can round up or down, but 6'3" is 6'3", not 6'4".
meh, I'd call that mild exageration rather than lying.
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KickassAmazon76 wrote: »However, it's perfectly acceptable for women to say they won't date a man under a specified height. Why the double standard? Either we all have physical preferences and that is alright or we are scum if we won't date someone that doesn't meet a particular physical standard. Why would it be one way for men and different for women?
"Fit" as in performance level is something different than weight, but I think both could be legitimate preferences for a mate -- either for men or women.
Going forward, I WILL place more of a priority on fitness just froml a compatibility standpoint.
As for the height... I've stated before... I feel like the premise changes if I am a female seeking male and the female is 6' vs 5'.
I am 6' tall. I like wearing heels. It is what it is. I have dated men 5'8 and higher and the shorter they get, the more problem they have with me, and I with them. They get teased by their friends, they tease me about my height, and things have gotten uncomfortable or even hurtful as time progressed.
I would prefer someone close to my height. I'd love if they were taller, but it's not my deal breaker. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to say I prefer active and taller. Nor do I think it's unreasonable for someone to say they don't want to date someone 8" taller than them.
Maybe that makes me superficial. But from experience, I have been BADLY hurt by my partner's and my insecurities at play. [/quote]
If women say they have physical preferences, they're ok. If men do it, they're misogynistic, most likely racist, and probably guilty of body-shaming.
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HerNameIsMischief wrote: »KickassAmazon76 wrote: »However, it's perfectly acceptable for women to say they won't date a man under a specified height. Why the double standard? Either we all have physical preferences and that is alright or we are scum if we won't date someone that doesn't meet a particular physical standard. Why would it be one way for men and different for women?
"Fit" as in performance level is something different than weight, but I think both could be legitimate preferences for a mate -- either for men or women.
Going forward, I WILL place more of a priority on fitness just froml a compatibility standpoint.
As for the height... I've stated before... I feel like the premise changes if I am a female seeking male and the female is 6' vs 5'.
I am 6' tall. I like wearing heels. It is what it is. I have dated men 5'8 and higher and the shorter they get, the more problem they have with me, and I with them. They get teased by their friends, they tease me about my height, and things have gotten uncomfortable or even hurtful as time progressed.
I would prefer someone close to my height. I'd love if they were taller, but it's not my deal breaker. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to say I prefer active and taller. Nor do I think it's unreasonable for someone to say they don't want to date someone 8" taller than them.
Maybe that makes me superficial. But from experience, I have been BADLY hurt by my partner's and my insecurities at play.
If women say they have physical preferences, they're ok. If men do it, they're misogynistic, most likely racist, and probably guilty of body-shaming.
This statement is totally tone deaf to everything I said.7 -
Good that they posted this qualifier....no matter what their height, you found out up front this is most likely someone you would not be interested in....they did you a favour!0
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I'm late to this thread and just wanted to chime in because I am 5'10 and the man (coming up 35 years married this year) is 5'8 and people STILL make comments to me about it. "Wow you are taller than your husband" (no *kitten* sherlock) and "what did you do for your wedding pictures?" (we stood beside each other and smiled like everyone does?) Our son is 6'1 and our daughter is only 5'7 - so I just joke that he married me in order to have normal height children.3
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I'm late to this thread and just wanted to chime in because I am 5'10 and the man (coming up 35 years married this year) is 5'8 and people STILL make comments to me about it. "Wow you are taller than your husband" (no *kitten* sherlock) and "what did you do for your wedding pictures?" (we stood beside each other and smiled like everyone does?) Our son is 6'1 and our daughter is only 5'7 - so I just joke that he married me in order to have normal height children.
I have been hurt so badly over the years by "jokes" like this. From the first crush who made a show of putting wood chips in his shoes because he didn't like being shorter than me... To the guy who told me that I was pretty and all but he'd never date me because I made him feel bad... To the boyfriend to took my cowboy boots so he could wear them and would harass me every time I wore something other than flats... And lastly to the fiancé who swore my height wasn't an issue and then I overheard him complaining about it to his friend. Pictures taken sitting down. Photos where I slouched or hid behind them, resting on their shoulders. Comments that made me ashamed of something I effing rock.
I would much rather post on my profile that I am freaking tall, and show pics that reveal that I am not big busted, like to lift, have visible muscles, and wrinkles and scars... And if they don't like it, they can swipe off... than have someone meet me under false pretenses and hurt me like that.. Yet again.
And I would most certainly prefer a man that was just as open about his reality and preferences. Why bother wasting time with false pretenses?10 -
Hm haven't heard of anyone being that picky before, but I guess it happens, I don't online date. I'm similar, I have preferences too, I think all people do, but eliminating people who don't fit in that is a little bit much. Most girls that I know, including myself, like taller guys, but I certainly wouldn't cast someone out if they were short. Sorry to hear you are running into that problem, I guess you can look on the bright side, now you know who has a not great personality before you date them!1
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I'm late to this thread and just wanted to chime in because I am 5'10 and the man (coming up 35 years married this year) is 5'8 and people STILL make comments to me about it. "Wow you are taller than your husband" (no *kitten* sherlock) and "what did you do for your wedding pictures?" (we stood beside each other and smiled like everyone does?) Our son is 6'1 and our daughter is only 5'7 - so I just joke that he married me in order to have normal height children.
This is so rude.
I feel like 99% of the time when you're bringing up something obvious about physical appearance, it's something that doesn't need to be said (the exceptions would be genuine complements in situations where you're confident it will be taken as a complement and not just being creepy). Is anyone under the impression you'd somehow missed the fact that you're two inches taller than your husband?4 -
So many gender generalizations based on ones generational norms in this thread. The “women do this, men do this” attitude is old think and needs to die out already. This doesn’t lead to more of an understanding between genders but segregation and toxic stereotyping. It’s even more disheartening when you spread that stereotype further regarding your own gender. Just don’t. Speak for yourself, not for my mother, not for me, not for my daughter. We all need to take responsibility for the opinions passed down through generations, and ask whether they are facts or just based off ones personal and limited experience.
OP- how’s it going? Have an update for us?6 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »I'm late to this thread and just wanted to chime in because I am 5'10 and the man (coming up 35 years married this year) is 5'8 and people STILL make comments to me about it. "Wow you are taller than your husband" (no *kitten* sherlock) and "what did you do for your wedding pictures?" (we stood beside each other and smiled like everyone does?) Our son is 6'1 and our daughter is only 5'7 - so I just joke that he married me in order to have normal height children.
I have been hurt so badly over the years by "jokes" like this. From the first crush who made a show of putting wood chips in his shoes because he didn't like being shorter than me... To the guy who told me that I was pretty and all but he'd never date me because I made him feel bad... To the boyfriend to took my cowboy boots so he could wear them and would harass me every time I wore something other than flats... And lastly to the fiancé who swore my height wasn't an issue and then I overheard him complaining about it to his friend. Pictures taken sitting down. Photos where I slouched or hid behind them, resting on their shoulders. Comments that made me ashamed of something I effing rock.
I would much rather post on my profile that I am freaking tall, and show pics that reveal that I am not big busted, like to lift, have visible muscles, and wrinkles and scars... And if they don't like it, they can swipe off... than have someone meet me under false pretenses and hurt me like that.. Yet again.
And I would most certainly prefer a man that was just as open about his reality and preferences. Why bother wasting time with false pretenses?
Aww I am sorry that you have been hurt like that. The way I see it look at all the super models who are married to short guys - no one thinks that is an issue - why should it be an issue for the rest of us?
Maybe it helps that I got married WAY before online dating was a thing. Or maybe my husband is just confident enough not feel emasculated by a taller woman. It has never bothered me or him.2 -
janejellyroll wrote: »I'm late to this thread and just wanted to chime in because I am 5'10 and the man (coming up 35 years married this year) is 5'8 and people STILL make comments to me about it. "Wow you are taller than your husband" (no *kitten* sherlock) and "what did you do for your wedding pictures?" (we stood beside each other and smiled like everyone does?) Our son is 6'1 and our daughter is only 5'7 - so I just joke that he married me in order to have normal height children.
This is so rude.
I feel like 99% of the time when you're bringing up something obvious about physical appearance, it's something that doesn't need to be said (the exceptions would be genuine complements in situations where you're confident it will be taken as a complement and not just being creepy). Is anyone under the impression you'd somehow missed the fact that you're two inches taller than your husband?
Right? Sometimes people who meet me in person after maybe talking on the phone (like a client or something) will say first thing: "You're tall" (Wow thanks I never noticed) or the always weird "you are not what I was expecting" << what does that even mean?
Imagine I met a client who was 5'4 and the first thing I said was " holy crap you are short". I'm sure that would go over well.3 -
janejellyroll wrote: »I'm late to this thread and just wanted to chime in because I am 5'10 and the man (coming up 35 years married this year) is 5'8 and people STILL make comments to me about it. "Wow you are taller than your husband" (no *kitten* sherlock) and "what did you do for your wedding pictures?" (we stood beside each other and smiled like everyone does?) Our son is 6'1 and our daughter is only 5'7 - so I just joke that he married me in order to have normal height children.
This is so rude.
I feel like 99% of the time when you're bringing up something obvious about physical appearance, it's something that doesn't need to be said (the exceptions would be genuine complements in situations where you're confident it will be taken as a complement and not just being creepy). Is anyone under the impression you'd somehow missed the fact that you're two inches taller than your husband?
Right? Sometimes people who meet me in person after maybe talking on the phone (like a client or something) will say first thing: "You're tall" (Wow thanks I never noticed) or the always weird "you are not what I was expecting" << what does that even mean?
Imagine I met a client who was 5'4 and the first thing I said was " holy crap you are short". I'm sure that would go over well.
Haha... Funny you say that.
One time I was at a bar, rocking 3" heels (so I was 6'4") and looking fabulous. This incredibly drunk lady, who was about 5'4" stops me and says "holy *kitten*, you're tall!". I literally copied her voice, tone, pitch and inflection back and said "holy *kitten*, you're short!"
At which point she called me a b*tch and stomped off.
Thing is...even when it feels like an insult, often people compliment or comment on attributes of other people that they feel self conscious about. I heard her comment and felt insulted. She may have meant it as a compliment, so hearing the same back at her felt like an insult.
Peopling is hard.5 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »I'm late to this thread and just wanted to chime in because I am 5'10 and the man (coming up 35 years married this year) is 5'8 and people STILL make comments to me about it. "Wow you are taller than your husband" (no *kitten* sherlock) and "what did you do for your wedding pictures?" (we stood beside each other and smiled like everyone does?) Our son is 6'1 and our daughter is only 5'7 - so I just joke that he married me in order to have normal height children.
I have been hurt so badly over the years by "jokes" like this. From the first crush who made a show of putting wood chips in his shoes because he didn't like being shorter than me... To the guy who told me that I was pretty and all but he'd never date me because I made him feel bad... To the boyfriend to took my cowboy boots so he could wear them and would harass me every time I wore something other than flats... And lastly to the fiancé who swore my height wasn't an issue and then I overheard him complaining about it to his friend. Pictures taken sitting down. Photos where I slouched or hid behind them, resting on their shoulders. Comments that made me ashamed of something I effing rock.
I would much rather post on my profile that I am freaking tall, and show pics that reveal that I am not big busted, like to lift, have visible muscles, and wrinkles and scars... And if they don't like it, they can swipe off... than have someone meet me under false pretenses and hurt me like that.. Yet again.
And I would most certainly prefer a man that was just as open about his reality and preferences. Why bother wasting time with false pretenses?
Aww I am sorry that you have been hurt like that. The way I see it look at all the super models who are married to short guys - no one thinks that is an issue - why should it be an issue for the rest of us?
Maybe it helps that I got married WAY before online dating was a thing. Or maybe my husband is just confident enough not feel emasculated by a taller woman. It has never bothered me or him.
Thanks. I am the first to admit that it may be the type of person I tend to attract, which I am trying hard to break out of. I am also aware that past wounding makes me more vulnerable / sensitive. I would never place the blame solely on someone else.
Going back to the roots of the topic, my whole point was that people have types they are drawn to and that is ok. Some people may want curvy, buxom, and ultra feminine partners. Some may be more interested in athletic, firm, and lean people. To expect all people to be open to all types is silly. If someone has a hard "requirement", then it's better for all parties for that to be stated up front.
I have dated many shapes, sizes, heights, hair colors (including bald)... And each time they have fallen outside my typical "type". Each time, I thought they were sexy, handsome and utterly attractive to me at the time.
For me it's about lifestyle, personality, and character. Not the skin suit it's wrapped in.
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KickassAmazon76 wrote: »I would much rather post on my profile that I am freaking tall, and show pics that reveal that I am not big busted, like to lift, have visible muscles, and wrinkles and scars... And if they don't like it, they can swipe off... than have someone meet me under false pretenses and hurt me like that.. Yet again.
And this is why we're friends
It just occurred to me that I think you can specify selection criteria on dating sites to narrow your search. So a guy who is 6' tall can search women's profiles with a max height of say 5'8". Of course women could search male profiles with a minimum height of 6' or whatever. And everybody could be missing out on their potential perfect partner just by sorting for superficial criteria.1 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »I would much rather post on my profile that I am freaking tall, and show pics that reveal that I am not big busted, like to lift, have visible muscles, and wrinkles and scars... And if they don't like it, they can swipe off... than have someone meet me under false pretenses and hurt me like that.. Yet again.
And this is why we're friends
It just occurred to me that I think you can specify selection criteria on dating sites to narrow your search. So a guy who is 6' tall can search women's profiles with a max height of say 5'8". Of course women could search male profiles with a minimum height of 6' or whatever. And everybody could be missing out on their potential perfect partner just by sorting for superficial criteria.
Based on my last experience, some sites do and some don't. Tinder did not, but Bumble did. And for Bumble... I started with a narrow net, living close to home, and then expanded it as I looked for possible matches. (It can be pretty overwhelming otherwise). The problem is, the whole thing is entirely superficial - especially if people don't put any real details about themselves in there. Tinder was often a face, maybe a body / fish / vehicle pic, and MAYBE a couple of words. That's it. All you have to base your swipe on is the superficial.
Bumble asked for more data, but again, many did not fill it out.
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I haven't read through the whole thread but just posting my thoughts..
I've been in and out (currently out) of the OLD for awhile. I don't really see the height comments since I'm browsing men's profiles and not women's. A trend I had started to see, however, was that if there was a comment about weight, usually it was that the men were looking for bigger women! I found that interesting because for so long, my family had convinced me that men don't want "fat" women.
Also, maybe I'm in the minority on the height thing for men, but I honestly don't care. Several of the guys I have dated recently have been shorter than 6' and I could care less. Give me a guy with incredible intellect and at least a moderate interest in health and fitness any day of the week; that's where it's at for me.1 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »I would much rather post on my profile that I am freaking tall, and show pics that reveal that I am not big busted, like to lift, have visible muscles, and wrinkles and scars... And if they don't like it, they can swipe off... than have someone meet me under false pretenses and hurt me like that.. Yet again.
And this is why we're friends
It just occurred to me that I think you can specify selection criteria on dating sites to narrow your search. So a guy who is 6' tall can search women's profiles with a max height of say 5'8". Of course women could search male profiles with a minimum height of 6' or whatever. And everybody could be missing out on their potential perfect partner just by sorting for superficial criteria.
I know someone who used to work for Match.com (I think - it was one of those anyway) and she told me their algorithm automatically adjusts for height. It wouldn't match a woman with a shorter man or vice versa, there was some minimum height difference it used I can't remember what it was.1 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »I would much rather post on my profile that I am freaking tall, and show pics that reveal that I am not big busted, like to lift, have visible muscles, and wrinkles and scars... And if they don't like it, they can swipe off... than have someone meet me under false pretenses and hurt me like that.. Yet again.
And this is why we're friends
It just occurred to me that I think you can specify selection criteria on dating sites to narrow your search. So a guy who is 6' tall can search women's profiles with a max height of say 5'8". Of course women could search male profiles with a minimum height of 6' or whatever. And everybody could be missing out on their potential perfect partner just by sorting for superficial criteria.
I know someone who used to work for Match.com (I think - it was one of those anyway) and she told me their algorithm automatically adjusts for height. It wouldn't match a woman with a shorter man or vice versa, there was some minimum height difference it used I can't remember what it was.
I can well believe it. Long ago I remember hearing that eHarmony would not give a woman any matches for younger men, but would happily provide matches for men up to 10 - 15 years older. I'm guessing the reverse was true for men.
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