What can you not let go of?

ExpressoLove11 wrote: »

I was told regularly by someone I was not worthy of love or kindness and I struggle to let go of that narrative.

• My mother constantly mentioning and/or comparing my weight when I was younger. She never let me forget that I was an overweight fatass with dreams to aspire to nothing. Not only was my fatness up for ridicule, but so was my desire to be an artist or craftsperson instead of some lofty ideal of being a doctor or a lawyer.
• I was always ridiculed for my fatness, even as a child. Constantly teased, sometimes tortured by boys in my class (having eggs thrown at my head, bubblegum and glue stuck in my hair to the point it had to be cut off and then being blamed for it by my hypercritical mother). I've never gotten over the feelings of worthlessness and otherness that I experienced then.
• When I was in college, a person I dated decided to break up with me in regards to his sister. She and I were friends, but I was concerned about her and let it be known to non-trustworthy people that she worked with that I was concerned (I thought these people were friends of mine... I was wrong). He decided to come to my place, dump all my stuff at the door and proceed to tell me that "no matter how much he showered, he would never be clean again". Keep in mind, we had never had sex, never been more physical than a kiss. He chose the words of strangers over a person he was dating because his sister was involved. He chose the words of people I told him I was having issues with and had already been maligned by at the beginning of our relationship. He then proceeded to brood, sulk and otherwise be petulant any time he saw me on campus or in town at his various jobs, even while I was minding my own business. I've never climbed out of the hole of believing I was any better than scum because of what and how he said it.
• I was called a "fair-weather" friend (or just a *kitten* friend) by a person I had been close to for more than a decade. He cut off all contact with me after screaming at me about it, failing to realize that out of the two of us, I was the one to drive hundreds of miles to pick him up for our mutual friends' wedding. I was the one to drive with a debilitating ear infection to come get him. I was the one to fly out and clean up his apartment when he was too depressed to do it himself and I was the one that was always busting my back and picking up after him despite having my own family and own needs that were not being met or attended to. I miss our friendship, but I'm still mad at him for his selfish *kitten*. And the terrible thing is that he will never know what a selfish-prick he is because people like that rarely do.
• Another person I confided in a few years ago, after telling him stories of my college days and somewhat promiscuous nature referred to me as "the village bicycle" as though I just let all these people use me. Keep in mind that this particular individual had probably slept with more than 100 women in his lifetime, my number (not that it matters), is significantly less. I just resent someone thinking that because I choose to be sexually intimate with someone, that must automatically mean I was used by them.. or that I just slept around and had one-night stands. They were meaningful relationships, albeit it short in the long term. I enjoyed my time (with most of them, anyway). It just has contributed to that overall feeling of how people in my world perceive me. Something of little value they can just throw away when it annoys them. Such has been my life and still is with friendships. I have no meaningful friendships with people anymore. Just a long list of acquaintances.

• I have a stuffed animal (collie) that my dad and I spent a long *kitten* time trying to win back when Fun Factory still existed. We spent SO much time on the bowling game and ski-ball machines getting the tickets up for that dumb thing. I've had him since 4th grade or so and while he's in my son's care (so Laddie doesn't get lonely), he's still very much mine.
• Sailor Moon art books. They're Japanese exclusive, so have never been translated and are pretty hard to find. I only have two, because each book costs 60 - 200 bucks. I managed to find two in 2011 and have held onto them ever since along with a select few other art books.
• A small glass and brass jewelry box. My (deceased) grandfather and grandmother brought it back from one of their trips to Mexico (my grandfather immigrated from Mexico in the 50s and had many relatives who were craftspeople across the border). He would routinely bring back handmade leather goods, jewelry, etc. One such item was this small glass jewelry box with glass etched flowers in it.