Mention it or don’t? How should I phrase it?
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Onedaywriter
Posts: 324 Member
So this morning I went to the gym and saw an acquaintance that I haven’t seen since January or so. I changed my workout time so haven’t been there this early for a while. OMG- she lost a lot of weight and looked so much more toned and muscular at first I didn’t recognize her!
I wanted to congratulate her because I’m too familiar with the effort in such a change, but I also felt strange doing so. I personally felt very encouraged by positive comments so I wanted to give praise but I didn’t want to make her feel awkward. .
I’ve seen a lot of posts where people are upset because they think nobody noticed, but others seem to be uncomfortable with any comment about weight/ body change at all- even positive ones.
Sorry I’m so socially inept I have to ask an online forum, but what is appropriate?
Thanks
I wanted to congratulate her because I’m too familiar with the effort in such a change, but I also felt strange doing so. I personally felt very encouraged by positive comments so I wanted to give praise but I didn’t want to make her feel awkward. .
I’ve seen a lot of posts where people are upset because they think nobody noticed, but others seem to be uncomfortable with any comment about weight/ body change at all- even positive ones.
Sorry I’m so socially inept I have to ask an online forum, but what is appropriate?
Thanks
17
Replies
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If it's the opposite sex and you're not sure how it would be taken, Say Nothing!!!!!!!!
12 -
I guess it doesn't even matter if it's the opposite sex, if you don't know someone really well it's a bad idea to mention weight.
IMO it's always a bad idea, no matter what.12 -
If you haven't said hi to her yet, I'd start there and ask her how she's been.20
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penguinmama87 wrote: »If you haven't said hi to her yet, I'd start there and ask her how she's been.
Agreed. Acknowledge him/her in some way and play it from there. If a conversation ensues, then it can be mentioned more naturally/casually. If not, just let it go.
If you don't know the person well enough to know how they will take it, it's always safer to not say anything.9 -
I think that the gym setting actually makes a difference.
Usually, I would tell you to say nothing, but in that environment, I think it would be appropriate to say, “You look great, what has been your fitness routine?”
Then it’s more standard gym talk, asking about strategies and techniques rather than a random comment with no context.39 -
Agreeing with gym setting making a difference. I don't really want, or make, comments on physical looks in most of life. Clothes, hair, sure, but not THEM/things they can't really change easily.
I think "Hey, it's been a while. It's good to see you again," is probably where to start with a non-specific ' you look great' as follow up. The thing to really avoid, IMO, is commenting on some specific aspect of her body.9 -
Actually in retrospect, you know what I would do?
COMPLIMENT HER PERFORMANCE.17 -
SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think that the gym setting actually makes a difference.
Usually, I would tell you to say nothing, but in that environment, I think it would be appropriate to say, “You look great, what has been your fitness routine?”
Then it’s more standard gym talk, asking about strategies and techniques rather than a random comment with no context.
Or replace the value judgement ("look great") with effort acknowledgement, e.g. something like, "I know how much hard work it takes for me to get visible results. It looks like you have been working hard." And gauge her enthusiasm for gym talk.
Totally agree that any value judgement on someone's appearance, no matter how well meaning, is fraught in a professional work context. In a sports/fitness context, though, it's usually ok to talk sports/fitness. But saying nothing is almost always safer than saying something if you're unsure.11 -
Just tell her she looks great! No need to talk specifics.11
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I would not like a man to comment on my body, my weight, or my workout routine unless he was my husband regardless of where it was or how I was dressed, etc.
It's always intrusive to me if a man comments on my body in any way. Hair, clothes, eyes, shape, none of that would be okay to me.
~Signed, maybe I'm a bit tetchy.
21 -
Onedaywriter wrote: »*snip*
I wanted to congratulate her because I’m too familiar with the effort in such a change, but I also felt strange doing so. I personally felt very encouraged by positive comments so I wanted to give praise but I didn’t want to make her feel awkward. .
*snip*
I think if you preface your compliment this way it would go a long way in reducing the awkwardness and increasing the sincerity.
It's all quite sweet, really.
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Would it make sense to say, judge your own motivation for comment?
Most people who say something to me, I sincerely appreciate the (I’ll be honest) ego boost.
There’s been a few, however, who came off as very creepy. But the same people made my skin crawl even before I was slim.
If you’re doing it with sincerity it’s one thing. If you’re doing it with a “hey, baby, I’m available even though you’re clearly not but I’m just hoping you’re easy” attitude, it comes through as such.
Sadly, they don’t know who they are. So maybe discretion is the better part of valour.
🤷🏻♀️
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I think it's safe if you say "you're looking healthy" or something along those lines. Personally, I wouldn't find that creepy and it's always nice to get a compliment and recognition for your hard work.6
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You could maybe say something like “Wow! You’ve had phenomenal results!” And then whatever else you’d say to an acquaintance. I hadn’t seen my UPS driver for quite some time and he said, “I’ve just got to say this, but you’ve done an amazing job losing weight!” And then the plumber said something too… like “You’ve lost a ton of weight! I know from experience that it is a LOT of work!” (I’d lost 190 lbs between both of them seeing me.)7
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It doesn’t seem like you’re being creep, and are trying to be sincerely nice. Since you said “acquaintance” I take it as this is someone you’ve interacted with at the gym previously. (If no previous interaction, I probably wouldn’t say anything). I think saying something along the lines of... hey there, haven’t seen you in awhile. It looks like you’ve been putting in a lot of hard work at the gym and you have some great results to show for it! (Could even throw in- hope I’m not coming off offensive, just wanted to applaud your hard work!4
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heathermarie911 wrote: »I think it's safe if you say "you're looking healthy" or something along those lines. Personally, I wouldn't find that creepy and it's always nice to get a compliment and recognition for your hard work.
Difference of opinion here: for me, ”you’re looking healthy” would probably be the creepiest and most offensive option I can think of.
By commenting on my perceived health, they’d be implying that I looked unhealthy previously, that my health is somehow visible on the outside, and that my health is somehow their business and not my private matter. At the same time, some ridiculous ”hey sexy” type of creep would be focused on what actually is visible to the eye and not making assumptions about a deeply personal matter, since sexiness is in the eye of the beholder (or creepy commenter) and not a private medical matter.
Like others, I’d focus on performance, results in terms of improving their lifting, or even just the fact that she’s clearly formed a gym-going habit. Genuine interest in her lifting program (if you are interested, that is) could also be nice. Something like ”really nice to see you, I’ve been on a different schedule so haven’t seen you in a while, it seems like your program is giving some great results, do you mind sharing what you do?”16 -
Onedaywriter wrote: »*snip*
I wanted to congratulate her because I’m too familiar with the effort in such a change, but I also felt strange doing so. I personally felt very encouraged by positive comments so I wanted to give praise but I didn’t want to make her feel awkward. .
*snip*
I think if you preface your compliment this way it would go a long way in reducing the awkwardness and increasing the sincerity.
It's all quite sweet, really.
Exactly this. I remember meeting a peer in the store one day and noticed she'd lost quite a bit of weight. I approached her somewhat like this. I simply told her that I was hoping it wasn't awkward or unkind of me in some way to notice that she'd lost a lot of weight and asked her how she did it. But see, I wouldn't be offended by someone mentioning it but it appears many would. So IDK. But I do think if you mention your awkwardness and hesitancy out right, she'd accept it much better.
JMO
TBO, I'd rather it be noticed than not noticed IIWM.
Good luck3 -
I (female) would definitely want to hear a compliment. Maybe I have an "older" mindset, but I like the positive recognition.
As you indicated, we work hard to get where we are. For me, personally, it's nice to be acknowledged.7 -
"Wow, you look amazing!", shouldn't be viewed as anything other than complimentary. There's a good chance you'll make someone's day brighter. Sadly, I let most of these opportunities go by.8
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Here's the flip side of the coin...
All you can control is what you say and how you say it. If your intention is kind/sincere, and you make a reasonable effort to not be creepy or inappropriate, then that's all you can do. You can't control how they will take it... and if someone chooses to take it a certain way or read something offensive into it, then that's on them and likely tied to their own emotional baggage.
Assuming you've spoken with this person in the past... something like, "Hey, haven't seen you in a while... you look great!" is general/casual but still on point. If they take offence to that, then future conversations are likely doomed.17
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