If you can't say something nice....

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  • JNick77
    JNick77 Posts: 3,783 Member
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    We all know the phrase: "if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything." Know what? I disagree and here's why:

    1 - It is very easy to say something that is degrading, mean and condescending and have it come out sounding perfectly "nice." Please and thank you doesn't necessarily mean that the message is all sunshine and roses.

    2 - Saying nothing helps no one. There are many people in the world who are very sensitive and take constructive criticism very hard. I get that and I am not trying to pick on anyone. However, MY PERSONAL OPINION is that people sometimes NEED to hear what they don't WANT to hear. If we could all be healthy on our own, we wouldn't be here. Some people respond better to the hugs and gentle encouragement and that's fine. But I don't think a person is truly finding out everything about themselves that they need to find out if they aren't made to be a little uncomfortable. I'm NOT saying we have to be total jerks. But, pretending that everything is hunky dory so someone doesn't get their feelings hurt?? Nope. Not me. Hurt feelings come when a little bit of truth is thrown at someone and that truth is generally a truth that person needed to hear.

    3 - We are all adults. Get a grip. No one is purposely putting anyone down the way many people were insulted in school growing up. Why can't we have an intelligent debate with opposing viewpoints without people saying "they are just trying to make themselves feel better by putting you down" or "they are a troll" or "I'm going to go tell mommy" or something along those lines? Opposing viewpoints are good people!! Quit being so defensive and you just might learn something about yourself. I know I have since joining MFP.

    Nice is good. Honest is good. Nice and honest if best. However, given the choice, I'll take honest.

    ^
    This
  • LauraMacNCheese
    LauraMacNCheese Posts: 7,198 Member
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    Right on...this post is fantastic!
  • MisterDubs303
    MisterDubs303 Posts: 1,216 Member
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    I agree, BUT, I would say regarding #2:
    Sometimes the truth hurts, so let the TRUTH hurt, not the tone of the message. Otherwise, some people will still avoid the truth, choosing to focus instead on what they perceive as an attack by the messenger, thereby further reinforcing their "victim-hood."
  • goatruns
    goatruns Posts: 61
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    We all know the phrase: "if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything." Know what? I disagree and here's why:

    1 - It is very easy to say something that is degrading, mean and condescending and have it come out sounding perfectly "nice." Please and thank you doesn't necessarily mean that the message is all sunshine and roses.

    2 - Saying nothing helps no one. There are many people in the world who are very sensitive and take constructive criticism very hard. I get that and I am not trying to pick on anyone. However, MY PERSONAL OPINION is that people sometimes NEED to hear what they don't WANT to hear. If we could all be healthy on our own, we wouldn't be here. Some people respond better to the hugs and gentle encouragement and that's fine. But I don't think a person is truly finding out everything about themselves that they need to find out if they aren't made to be a little uncomfortable. I'm NOT saying we have to be total jerks. But, pretending that everything is hunky dory so someone doesn't get their feelings hurt?? Nope. Not me. Hurt feelings come when a little bit of truth is thrown at someone and that truth is generally a truth that person needed to hear.



    3 - We are all adults. Get a grip. No one is purposely putting anyone down the way many people were insulted in school growing up. Why can't we have an intelligent debate with opposing viewpoints without people saying "they are just trying to make themselves feel better by putting you down" or "they are a troll" or "I'm going to go tell mommy" or something along those lines? Opposing viewpoints are good people!! Quit being so defensive and you just might learn something about yourself. I know I have since joining MFP.

    Nice is good. Honest is good. Nice and honest if best. However, given the choice, I'll take honest.


    *loves you*
  • momcindy
    momcindy Posts: 194 Member
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    It usually isn't the truth that hurts, it's the delivery of it.

    As it applies to this particular forum it isn't being less honest to say something in a respectful way and when done so, the person becomes more credible. I happen to think people can speak truth in a caring way while still being direct. It's a choice like any other. The OP says in his signature that he doesn't apologize for lack of tact. Unfortunately, that's part of the problem.

    I sometimes get the feeling that people who have to give a disclaimer that they are "brutally honest" are looking for a way to justify rudeness because if they get called on it they can always say "well, I'm just brutally honest and tell it like it is" as if that ends any responsibility to show some grace and tact.
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520
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    It usually isn't the truth that hurts, it's the delivery of it.

    As it applies to this particular forum it isn't being less honest to say something in a respectful way and when done so, the person becomes more credible. I happen to think people can speak truth in a caring way while still being direct. It's a choice like any other. The OP says in his signature that he doesn't apologize for lack of tact. Unfortunately, that's part of the problem.

    I sometimes get the feeling that people who have to give a disclaimer that they are "brutally honest" are looking for a way to justify rudeness because if they get called on it they can always say "well, I'm just brutally honest and tell it like it is" as if that ends any responsibility to show some grace and tact.

    EXACTLY!

    I feel that sometimes people take their 'honesty' to a whole different level. For some reason, in their minds they feel righteous and encouraging in their own way. In reality, they have done the opposite by completely discouraging someone from attaining a goal they have worked so hard to attain. Nothing like taking the wind out of someone's sails due to an ulterior motive.
  • misslexii
    misslexii Posts: 19
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    Definitely agree.

    I didn't learn to drive until I was told I couldn't.
    I didn't move out of home until I was told I wouldn't make it.

    It wasn't until I got called fat that I decided to do something about it.
  • sallywilson06
    sallywilson06 Posts: 269 Member
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    I agree to a T".. Well said!
  • Johnnyswife
    Johnnyswife Posts: 1,447 Member
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    It usually isn't the truth that hurts, it's the delivery of it.
    Yes I agree with this as well. There is a way to say something truthfuly and another way to attack a person for their post and opinions. But sometimes even just stating the truth to someone without attacking them is still considered by the OP as a personal attack.
    While some people need to learn who to speak the truth and not attack, others need to learn to be less sensitive and that different opinons are not personal attacks against them.:flowerforyou:
    The OP says in his signature that he doesn't apologize for lack of tact. Unfortunately, that's part of the problem.
    Yet, I've never seen him brutaly attack another poster in the forums. He states what is on his mind, yet he doesn't go after the person themselves and make it personal. Straight up, he just tells it like it is.


    dang it, I killed another one..lol
  • maidentl
    maidentl Posts: 3,203 Member
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    Yet, I've never seen him brutaly attack another poster in the forums. He states what is on his mind, yet he doesn't go after the person themselves and make it personal. Straight up, he just tells it like it is.

    Yep. The same thing happened on this thread. People got upset about hypothetical situations hurting feelings and started worrying and wringing their hands over the delivery, totally missing the point...
  • momcindy
    momcindy Posts: 194 Member
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    Yet, I've never seen him brutaly attack another poster in the forums. He states what is on his mind, yet he doesn't go after the person themselves and make it personal. Straight up, he just tells it like it is.

    I'm sure he's a nice guy. But the point is that being straight up and telling it like it is can still be done with respect and tact and I'm not saying the OP doesn't do that, I was just using his own words to make the point. I never apologize for my personal beliefs on any given issue, but if I express them in a way that is disrespectful or isn't tactful and hurts someone, then I hope I can be humble enough to clarify and apologize for the misunderstanding while not compromising my conviction.

    And yes, some people are overly sensitive and just need to grow up but here's an example of how speaking one's mind isn't helpful. A friend of mine, new to MFP, posted a question about how to figure out the calories, etc. for a recipe. She didn't know about the recipe tool yet. There were some helpful responses, then she asked a few more questions as she tried to clarify some things.

    One member here responded with "do we need to come over and cook it for you too?" Maybe she thought that was a cute response but no one was laughing. I looked at her profile and although she is beautiful on the outside, that remark told me more about who she is inside. It was rude and not helpful at all yet she prides herself on being "brutally honest" and "telling it like it is" according to her profile. If that's what telling it like it is looks like, she can have it. To me, it was just an excuse to be rude under the guise of being witty.

    We always have a choice as to how we frame our words or whether we need to say anything at all.
  • Iamfit4life
    Iamfit4life Posts: 3,095 Member
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    I think this is a great post.
  • writtenINthestars
    writtenINthestars Posts: 1,933 Member
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    Had someone been brutally honest to me years ago, I may have noticed all I was doing wrong much sooner.

    If I want someone to hold my hand and be PC about my feelings, I'll call my mom.

    Otherwise, this is a social forum and I if I get any honest answer that hurt my feelings, that usually means it's pretty true.
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520
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    Personally .. I think 'telling like it is' or "being brutally honest" does not neccessarily mean it has to delivered in such a way as to completely negate a person's importance. I don't understand why so many of you are defending the practice of ripping a person apart because they a doing something you don't think is right or enforcing your opinion like delivery doesn't matter .. I am of the opinion that it DOES matter.

    I have always been one to 'shoot from the hip' so to speak .. So I understand how important honesty is. My point is ... It can be done with tact and finness .. You can call it what you like .. It doesn't have to be an ago trip at someone else's expense.

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