WOMEN AGES 50+ FOR NOVEMBER 2023
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LisaInArkansas wrote: »Allie - Ditto what Barbie said - you have the experience to say it, and more love in your heart to give the gift of that experience.
Rosemarie - My heart goes out to you, and I hope you can feel us all surrounding you with loving arms.
Rebecca and Heather - From an inveterate conflict avoider, my own method when someone decides to throw a "You should, or "You ought to..." my way about how I'm living my life gets in return a "Huh!" and a change of subject. It doesn't bother me to change the subject a dozen times, and I don't feel I have to change their minds, I just don't address it at all and move on. Even my sister, who can get pretty... well, let's charitably call it "focused," eventually gets the hint and we move on. What always gets me tickled is when they decide how I actually feel about certain subjects, especially religion or politics. More than once, in subsequent conversations, they'll say, "Well, I know you think that... " and spout some utter nonsense. So they get a "Huh!" and a change of subject again. People fascinate me.
Kylia - Your gathering reminded me irresistibly of holidays at my mother's house, all the extended family that could make it gathered up in one place. I'm sorry the grands didn't call.
Tracey - I just love the pieces you're making! I think of you often, too... partially because I am also open about many things that others are uncomfortable with. I find that when I am, I can stay healthier. It's when I let things fester inside that I start getting unhappy. As others have said, "You're only as sick as your secrets." I don't do secrets anymore. Does the world need to know? Probably not, but I also don't think the world cares much...
More in a minute...
Love,
Lisa
I started doing the same thing with my DH. If I disagree with some absurd statement, I simply change the subject to something safe rather than take it or argue about it. It makes him stop and realize what he was saying and how it made me feel. He never apologizes but at least I feel better and don’t let whatever it was fester to make me more depressed. Seems to work for now, so will continue. I too hate conflict and fought with my first DH to no avail so just got quiet and stopped talking when confronted, but now, I change the conversation to something ‘safe’ and move on pretending I’m not angry, frustrated, or insulted. Helps me get through it and feel better. It is avoiding conflict while helping me to feel better. By pretending what I want to feel, disorients the abuser.
RVRita5 -
grandmallie wrote: »Debbie- you only have one life to live..why be miserable..
Your son is grown..
It just seems like the only time you have to enjoy is when you visit your mom.why stay with someone who treats you so unhealthy.?im sorry for being so blunt..but these ladies saw me through a marriage to someone who treated me the same way.and when I found out he was cheating I filed for divorce. Your husband might not be doing that but he doesn't show you any respect and neither does his mother.. stand up for up for yourself girlfriend!! We all want to see you enjoy your life.Tommorow isn't promised.
Ok off my soapbox.. and sorry if I overstepped my bounds and hurt your feelings that was not my intention.
I know you are right- I am working on it!
THANK YOU!!!!6 -
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I had a lovely long chat with L. She was very appreciative and said I was one of the people who got/get her through. She cried. I said, and I meant it, that it was a privilege. She is going to spend Christmas alone, so we have arranged a phone call. She has plenty of guests in the run up to Christmas and has a good social life. But only having one older sister is hard. Her cousin died this morning. L is making a list, for her solicitor, of people to notify after her death. A good idea, I think. Her friends don't know each other.
Delicious meatballs for dinner. I inspired L to cook a frittata. She sent me a photo!
Glad I made the effort.
Love Heather UK xxxxxxxx6 -
cityjaneLondon wrote: »Rebecca - When someone (especially DH) tries to tell me my reaction/opinion is wrong, I just lean forward and say it very loudly again. He doesn't like it, but it shuts him up.
'I happen to like/feel ......' ....very loudly and determinedly. Practice it in the mirror. You are you. Just up the volume until they get the message.
Then you can say, 'That is my opinion. Can we change the subject '.
People rarely try to tell me how to live my life, but John occasionally disagrees with me in a way that triggers me. So I just speak much louder. The huff he gets into is his problem. He always gets over it.
Nobody tells me how to live my life. Occasionally P, my difficult friend tries to explain something to me, but I use the same technique. Leaning forward is good. I can see my other friends, G and B, do a slight smile and wince a bit. P gets over it too. 
Love Heather UK xxxxxxxx
I opt for a quiet approach.
I don't raise my voice unless someone is talking over me ... usually someone in customer service who is on the other end of the phone. Or unless I am angry.
People don't usually tell me that my reaction/opinion is wrong. That very rarely happens.
But on the rare occasion when it does happen, I do what a friend of mine taught me many years ago.
I nod, look like I'm paying attention and taking it in, and enthusiastically say, "I hear you."
For me (and my friend), "I hear you" means, I acknowledge your opinion and acknowledge the fact that you want to be heard. But I will disregard everything you've just said and will forget about it all within the next 5 minutes.
I've expanded on "I hear you" over the years.
Sometimes I enthusiastically say, "Now there's an idea!" ... an idea I am going to disregard immediately.
Or "Well now, that's a thought" ... not a brilliant thought, and not a thought I'm going to give another thought about, but it is indeed a thought.
Or "That's something to think about" ... when I'm laughing about it with someone else who understands me better.
I think only once or twice I've broken out the "you do you and I'll do me".
People often just want to be acknowledged for their so-called bright and possibly well-meaning ideas. My method accomplishes that. I acknowledge. Then I move on. Minutes later, I couldn't tell you what their idea was because I wasn't really listening to begin with and it didn't matter to me.
Machka in Oz
Those are all brilliant responses! Next summer could indeed be quite the positive human experiment!💖🤗👍🏼
Thanks for your input!
Rebecca
Whidbey
Wa4 -
A Facebook hack- Tracy did turkey dinner in a muffin tin with biscuits.
Miles doing his Christmas 🎄 tree.
No more fun than a box for kids..he was singing jingle bells while helping with the big tree..5 -
SophieRosieMom wrote: »[
Debbie - Have a great time at the toy show in San Francisco. I'm glad to hear you and your DH will be going.
I think you are distressed right now because of your DH, his moods, his mother. But I also think you have many things in your life that bring you joy. Your kitties. Your son. Your mom. Your walks and classes. The treats you make for your church and are able to share. Some things take time to fix and get fixed despite our effort to fix them if that makes any sense. Keep rockin' your joy wherever you find it!
Lanette
SW WA State where it's 26F right now.
Your are SOO right- The more I find things that I enjoy, the happier I am. Finding peace in other places when there isn't a lot of that in the home. The more I do on my own, the more I feel comfortable doing them on my own. Just an hour at class or walking is so calming/relaxing for me. I find I am less irritated with him and can just let things go/ignore them.
Have to do what ever I can.
It isn't all bad. I would rather eat by myself than listen to him venting/cussing about his mom/work/etc. I like my quiet.
I hate all the unnessesary drama- he over reacts to pretty much everything.
This morning, his mom is ok with him not going over there tonight or at all tomorrow- said it is only one day. She can do it. WOW- did NOT think she would change her mood that much. He went there expecting another yelling match so was a nice surprise. He is tired- just got off work. Was hoping he could grab a nap before we have to head to the show but doesn't look like it will happen. Good thing he isn't driving.
I am ready to go-got my snack bag packed- NOT going hungry today and I will eat before we leave. Have a cranberry orange English muffin ready to toast, top with peanut butter, honey and sliced banana. I had that(with a pumpkin spice English muffin for dinner last night and I really enjoyed it).
Having my tea and chatting with all of you until time to go.
Debbie
Napa Valley,Ca
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Yesterdays meal was splendid. I had one plate and called it good.👍🏼💖🦃. I had bought me two thick slices of turkey from the deli, and I nuked husbands Hormel turkey and gravy container. Then made instant mashed potatoes and dressing, green beans with bacon, yams with marshmallows, more gravy, and cranberry jelly. It wad mostly opening cans, reheating, mixing things with water and butter. But dang I do good work of it. I didn't want mashed potatoes, so I cut up some baby potatoes, tossed them in some Annie's shiitake mushroom dresding, pepper and parmesan cheese and baked them. I had boiled them for a it first. Husband was really complimentary💖. I made some meals up for tomorrow, and a container of mashed potatoes for husbands open faced roast beef meal later in the week. By 6 pm everything was put away, counters cleaned, dishwasher loaded, and sipping a cup of well deserved coffee.💖. Feeling blessed. Went to bed with a happy belly, plus I changed the sheets so clean sheets always make me fall asleep quickly.😁
Rebecca
Whidbey
Wa10 -
Stats for the day-
.walk w/family- 1hr 58min 7sec, 105elev, 3.08ap, 77ahr, 95mhr, 6.14mi= 560c
Strava app = 752c *lucy went in the buggy*
Walk home to gym- 11.06min, .53mi= 59c
Strava app = 65c
Rowing machine- 30min, 44aw, 102ahr, 135mhr, 4500meters/2.8mi= 232c
Walk gym to stores then home- 18.06min, 3.40ap, 1.06mi= 200c
Strava app = 130c
Total cal 1051
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I ordered some coconut/ almond milk 1/2 and 1/2 from amazon.. the idiots that delivered it tossed the box around and left it out there leaking on other peoples things.. so I got a refund for the whole lot even though it was only 1 carton that 1/2 leaked out.
Sheesh they should mark liquid on it or something..
Just messaged my bartender friend from India..it was 6:10 pm here and 4:10 am there tomorrow and he is taking his wife to an appointment. Do you believe they have to get up that early just so they can miss the wild traffic over there.. wow.. he is off until February 10th.. so he can relax and rest up.
The kids went to the tree lighting the next town over.6 -
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I stayed out of Shopping malls too. I did go to an auto part store to try to get a cap for my capless gas tank. Turns out they do sell one, so dirt and water don't get into your tank. I know the store had one but because I did not have to part number they could not look it up. I ended up ordering it online. I did purchase some sidewalk salt from the store. We are out from last year's massive snow ice that we had. Auto parts stores sell the bag kind and with magnesium a bit kinder for the environment. Also cheaper than buying in the plastic buckets found at Target. I fill the empty buckets I bought in previous years with the bag stuff. It is easier to not use too much using the plastic buckets with built in dispensers. If you wait until it snows the stores run out fast here.
I also ordered some flowers for my sister-in-law for Christmas. They said they were a Black Friday deal. It was just nice to stay out of the stores. I worked on my Christmas letter and got our tree up and lights on it instead.5 -
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Joy - I was at Michael’s today and the Lemax village pieces are on sale until Nov 29 for 50% off.
Rosemarie - Hugs to you.
I hope you were able to make it to the opening.
Machka - I hope your bee give is successful. I also use your method of dealing with opinions. I just hate confrontation of any kind.
Allie - I hope you’re feeling better.
That Miles. What a sweetheart.
Kylia - what a great way to settle the seating. You look happy. I hope you hear from your grands soon.
Lisa - I am very much like you in responding to people giving me advice I don’t agree with. Very few people do these days, thankfully.
I really dislike how it seems they mark things up to give a good sale. It sure can be noticeable here.
Lanette - thank you. They were a little tedious, but only cost me time and about $2.00 to make. I’ll sell them for $8.00 I think.
Annie - it sounds busy but you are handling it well.
Heather - You are on a roll. I need to start doing that as soon as these markets and Christmas are over.
You are a wonderful friend.
Gina - I hope you have a good trip. Congrats on your loss.
Debbie - I hope you had a great day at the show. For companionship and sales.
Rebecca - Mixing, stirring is the type of cooking I like most.
I had a chat with DH today, he is really struggling.He is beating himself up because he’s not “over” his Dad’s death. He feels guilty because he wasn’t as close to his father as he should have been, he’s letting me down, he has put on lot on himself.
I told him that you really don’t “get over it”, you learn to live with it. I also reminded him that the first Christmas, first anniversary are coming up and that always affects us. I told him that the blame of not being close is not all on him, that it’s hard for people to stay connected when they both refuse to talk on the phone. I reminded him of some nice memories he had with his dad and that it might help to talk to his Mom or sister. I loved my FIL as much as I loved my own Dad, I still can’t believe he’s gone, but I was only part of the family for 35 years and his Mom, sister and him share more memories than myself or our girls do because we didn’t live with him and for the last 26 years we’ve lived across the country.
He told me he’s trying and I told him I know he is. I also encouraged him to go to the gym again. I put the thought in his head we’ll see if it lodges or not.
This conversation reminded me that I may be a little less patient right now because my Dad’s anniversary is coming right up. It will be 11 years on Dec 9th, and that always seems to bring me down. I try very hard to stay positive though because my Dad’s favourite holiday was Christmas.
Now I’ll keep it going for both Dad’s.
I’m glad he finally opened up, I think it’s a big step for him. He doesn’t talk about his feelings much so when he does I always listen.
I only made this today. I had a quiz this morning that I passed 28/30, straightened up the house and organized my craft show baggage.
This evening, I made this. It’s all I did craft wise today. I did colour my hair this evening as well.
Have a good night and we’ll chat tomorrow.
Tracey in Edmonton
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Tracey - You did a great job with Rodger. I'm sure he will feel lightened by it. What would men do without us?!
Looking forward to seeing Edie this afternoon.
It's turning cold at last. Blue sky though. Beautiful morning light.
Love Heather UK xxxxxxxx3 -
Gratitudes:
Friday: Joe serviced the hot tub and had it ready for me.
Thursday’s Was it Lanette, Lisa or whoever recommended Robert Maurer’s “One Small Step Can Change Your Life” ? Many thanks! Just started reading on Library2Go Oregon’s OverDrive and can see how it will help me adapt and adjust my routine.
Day two of rest, no walking, no dancing, only “spa PT” and compression socks. Is it helping? Maybe. Am I afraid I’ll fall back into my lazy, sedentary ways? You betcha.
Belated welcome @VeebsKale in Ontario ! And convery gratulations for taking off those pounds and building your strength. Well done!
KJ belated best birthday wishes!
Rori
the cute goobers
Rebecca ditto what others have said. Your pics show you are lovely, without makeup or fancy hair, just as you are.
Welcome @ChrisBow1963 from South Wales! That’s a great work benefit.
Rosemarie so glad to hear of your great time at the beach with son and DDIL. Decorating the Christmas tree often brings me to tears, bittersweet memories, loss and love. ((hugs))
Ginny yours to Rebecca,”… she just doesn't speak your love language! Cherish the good parts. “ well said.
Allie the pics of Miles and his dog.
Lisa ‘…Egg is walking right through the other walls…” Sounds like a Heinlein title
Tracey the snowman/Christmas tree tic tac toe sets. You are so very very creative! So glad Rodger opened up a little and gave you the opportunity to listen. ((hugs)) to you both.
Kylia the family pics. Your eldest’s apple fell not far from your lovely tree
Gina con VERY gratulations on both the moderate eating and taking off two more pounds. Well done!11/24: Move: one set “spa PT” w/x&a. Steps:3633Later, lighter, lovelies!
Fuel: sugar in vs mfp=-9 CI<CO net=181 vits=0.5
Live: Joe, readings, BP, AF, ptT, ptS, one load laundry, hymns. Wt:
11/23: Move: Zero sets PT. Steps:2600
Fuel: sugar in vs mfp=-6
CI<CO net=88 vits=0
Live: Joe, readings, BP, reconcile savings, pay Penney card, , ptT, ptS, Thanksgiving feast with T, Wt:131.8
Barbara, the Southern Oregon Coastie AHMOD
November: Move more: chair yoga, line dance, dailyish PT, play with dogs.
Fuel better: less sugar, CI<CO, dailyish vitamins.
Live NOW: dailyish time with Joe, readings, start meditating. Open heart and mind before mouth.
2023: Be of good cheer.
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Good morning, chickadees.
My current response to unwanted suggestions from others?
“Interesting …… (pause, smile sweetly)… but not for me!” (Change the subject) No excuses or explanations. Apparently, I have a ‘look’ that seems to deter further discussion.
Tracey: Good on you for talking to Rodger. And very perceptive to recognise your own grief. It’s such a complex emotion which time does not erase. We just learn ways of dealing with it.
Heather: Savour your time with these extraordinary young people. You and they will remember, and treasure it.
I love this group of caring women. You are such a font of wisdom, knowledge and compassion.
🤗🤗🤗 and 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 for those who need them.
🙋♀️ Miele failte to the newbies.
☘️ Terri6 -
Debbie-hope the toy show goes well. At least there is a day of calm with MIL. The only thing we can really control is how we react to things. Once I stopped trying to reason with my husband during his explosions (sounds a bit like yours) he would sputter out of steam. I didn't say anything if it wouldn't help the situation. His outbursts spells became shorter because I didn't help keep them going. I can imagine he is completely stressed out with his mother and it sound like he has no coping skills.
Allie-Miles looks so happy. Did you hear anything from Carmine?
Tracey-glad to hear Rodger opened up to you. Losing anyone is tough-we always think about what we could have done differently. You are right-it isn't anything we ever really get over but we learn to walk through it.
Heather-good job with L. That is a great idea about leaving a list of who to contact. I will work on one for my children to access.
Good day yesterday-worked on several different things. I woke up at 3 and didn't really get back to sleep. Took a 4 mile walk before lunch. Came home, ate lunch and took a nice nap. Paid bills and sorted papers while watching football game. Dinner zoom with friend. Going to get shopping list together had head to store at 6. Want to pick up gift bags for Christmas gifts at work-will get those set up while watching THE game-Ohio State-Michigan today. While I want our Buckeyes to win I mainly want both teams to feel they played well and no one to get seriously injured. It is, after all, just a game they play. Want to get my walk in before the noon kick off so need to get moving.
Take care all,
Ginny in O-H-I-O (and that's a Buckeye thing!)7 -
I'm up! Woke up at midnight. Fell asleep early so got nearly 6 hours in.
Allie - glad Amazon gave you a refund. Again, what cute photos of the kids at the tree lighting. I always look forward to seeing them. Hope you are feeling better. Turkey dinner in a muffin tin looked great, I'm going to look up that recipe.
Gina - you have been doing a great job on losing weight! Hope nothing is seriously wrong with the car. I've love to be a mouse in your pocket on your vacation, you live in a neat area with lots to see.
Debbie - you are doing a great job trying not getting sucked into your DH's relationship woes with his mom. Finding things to do that you enjoy to keep your sanity. I know it's hard. I can't remember - do you think she is starting to get dementia or has a mental illness? Her up and down thinking pattern, never knowing what to expect from her. Will your DH be greeted with open arms or attacked when he walks through her door, for example. Very, very hard place for your DH, her caregiver, to be. And so stressful for him. Hugs to you both.
Barbara - ack! I skipped over your foot problem somehow, need to scroll back a few pages. Hope you heal quickly! Glad Joe got the hot tub working. I'll run down and join you when traffic lightens up. I-5 was a bear yesterday the few miles I traveled on it. Many out of state plates. UPDATE - I see it's leg pain/shin splint type thing. Sounds like you have some good avenues for taking care of it.
Margaret - glad you found a gas cap and are stocking up de-icer. We rarely have to use it out here but I discovered DH had half a bag stashed away, I think it's the type you described.
Heather - you are such a good friend to L. So sorry to hear about her cousin dying.
Have fun with Edie.
Kylia - sounds like you had a wonderful Thanksgiving meal with your family. Your daughter and you look like sisters. Love those smiles.
Kelly - I watched another interview with Ellen Langer. She's such an optomist, and is convinced there's a silver lining in every cloud. I'm trying to train myself to be that kind of friend to others. I think you are that type of person. You all are! And that's why this is such a neat group. How's your daughter's move/house hunting coming along?
Tracey - so glad you and Rodger were able to talk and you handled the conversation in such a kind and thoughtful way. Heather is right, what would men do without us? Your latest creation is beautiful. Good job on the quiz!
I remembered last night, just before I went to bed, that I hadn't covered the 2 outside faucets with the little foam insulator caps and the temps would be dipping into the mid-low 20's. It was nearly dark and I couldn't get the hose unscrewed on one of them so wrapped a couple old T-shirts around them and called it good. They are theoretically frost-free so should be fine anyhow.
Thanksgiving meal at my friends yesterday was wonderful, I was just thinking we've been invited to their house for nearly 15 years, tho the last few years of DH's life, he didn't want to go so stayed home. I made caponata but it didn't turn out well - the red pepper I bought was bitter and the eggplant too mature - large hard seeds. I brought most of it home and think I'll toss it. I do have an idea what to make for the next time, though. A broccoli-cauliflower crunch salad. Basically cut equal amounts of fresh broccoli and cauliflower into little chunks, add chopped onion, chopped nuts and dried cranberries with a simple mayonnaise dressing.
OK I better close, I've been at this for a couple hours now. As Barbie says, some of us are talkers and some are listeners. Guess what I am, lol.
Lanette
SW WA State6
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