Marital issues

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24

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  • PlanetVelma
    PlanetVelma Posts: 1,231 Member
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    Sorry, but he's in bed still and you came home from work sick, what is wrong with this picture. I can totally understand him unable to find a job - the economy sucks right now, but AT THE BARE MINIMUM he should be cleaning, cooking dinner, taking care of the usual household duties UNTIL HE FINDS A JOB. NOT Sleeping all day - that creates resentment w/in a relationship. C'mon now!
  • GoodbyeGut
    GoodbyeGut Posts: 40 Member
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    Your profile pic shows your ring and your profile says you are married to your "best friend".

    That would indicate there is something worth fighting for in spite of this horrible day you describe?

    Check out a book called "Sacred Marriage" for some good perspective. Marriage is not just about happiness and you'd be robbing yourself of the true benefits if that (or peace) is all you seek.

    Best of luck.
  • LauraMacNCheese
    LauraMacNCheese Posts: 7,198 Member
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    Ok...did you marry my ex-husband & not tell me? He used to do most of the same crap to me. Unfortunately, it took me packing up the kids & leaving for him to change anything. We didn't try counseling...hindsight being what it is, it may have helped us. If you want to work on your marriage, it can't hurt to try. Even if he doesn't want to go, you can try going yourself...it may give you some more insight. Hugs to you & good luck! :flowerforyou:
  • ajbeans
    ajbeans Posts: 2,857 Member
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    I just looked at your profile, where you say that you're married to your best friend. So my question is, do you still feel that way about him? Are you just going through a rough patch right now, or are there ongoing issues? Do you communicate with him in a calm, non-confrontational manner when you're upset, or do you try to make him hurt because you're hurting? When the two of you do have a fight, does either one of you apologize?

    These are all things you need to think about as you move forward. Communication is an easy thing to change, it just takes some work on both of your parts. If you love him and want to repair the marriage, don't be afraid or too proud to take the first steps in trying to change -- yes, he will need to change too, but somebody has to start it. So start it, and then gently talk to him about how his behavior makes you feel.

    Still, what I said in my other post stands. You need to seek counseling, if not for the both of you, then at least for yourself.
  • pain_is_weakness
    pain_is_weakness Posts: 798 Member
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    Couseling could never hurt, give it a try. If you guys are not read for marriage couseling try going to invidudual couseling first and working your way to that. Best of luck to both of you.
  • kelseylou
    kelseylou Posts: 44 Member
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    Though we weren't married, I had this EXACT same issue with my ex-boyfriend of 4 years. He would constantly put me down (not only when we were alone, but also in front of friends/family), always on his computer/xbox, never looked at me, and if I tried any sort of affection it was me "putting on a show". He quit his job while I supported him and he did not bother to look for a job while his sister, who was in college, lived with us with her baby and fiance who worked.

    I was miserable, and I tried very hard to make it work. In the end, he did not want to change and counseling, to him, was out of the question. I cannot tell you what to do. I brought up counseling, it was shot down. I did everything he wanted me to do, but he never changed. You can't make them change, they have it want it on their own.

    I hope for the sake of your marriage that he sees the error of his ways and wants to go to counseling. If not, you have to decide whether or not you want to continue to suffer. I wish you all the best no matter what you choose to do.
  • 33KIKI
    33KIKI Posts: 304
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    Wow ok so first let me say breath girl breath. Did you guys marry young? Just curious. Lets see I am 9 years married and we get into a whole other set of arguements but if he acted like that i would have checked him a while ago. Remember your not feeling good and **** if your sick your sick now a good husband would try to take of you especially because he luvs you and your the sole income in the house so he's being stupid.

    Counseling is a good option or if your a church goer - meeting with your pastor or priest ONLY if you really want to make it work. Have you asked him if he is willing to even try this? If your both unhappy then there is no reason to press forward together. Better you be a healthier you than an unhealthy "us".

    I don't want to push you either way but really doesn't sound like a great person to have in your life. My other little thought for you is to write a pro-con list of your relationship it may help you gather your thoughts.

    Good luck and take care !
  • dorktv
    dorktv Posts: 30
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    I suggest seeking counseling for yourself at least and suggesting it for the both of you.

    Also suggest taking some classes on marriage-despite what people think, it, like parenting, is not 100% instinctive.

    Good luck!
  • grassette
    grassette Posts: 976 Member
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    Check out Retrouvaille, if you have it in your area. They work miracles with marriages that are breaking apart.

    http://www.retrouvaille.org/pages.php?page=1
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
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    Hmmm..this is a subject best brought up with a pastor, Christian counselor or close family friend..not a bunch of folks on a weight-loss sight.
    Just a suggestion.

    Good luck

    You my friend, need to restate this.

    @ Farrow - May I suggest you find counseling. I would go first for yourself, if this has been ongoing for a while, to ensure that you are not "lost" anything about yourself and your relationship. Then I would seek it jointly. In fact, I suggest this for both of you. Remember, that you can only control one part of the relationship...YOURS. You can expect the other half to get done, for they have to Choose to take care of it. This takes realization of the present status, decision of the path to mend, and then acting on that decision.If healing is the choice, once healed, remember to cherish it with respect
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
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    Ok...did you marry my ex-husband & not tell me? He used to do most of the same crap to me. Unfortunately, it took me packing up the kids & leaving for him to change anything. We didn't try counseling...hindsight being what it is, it may have helped us. If you want to work on your marriage, it can't hurt to try. Even if he doesn't want to go, you can try going yourself...it may give you some more insight. Hugs to you & good luck! :flowerforyou:

    Couldnt have happened...your ex is still on the Douche Canoe
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,698 Member
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    Believe me, if he's saying "okay you're always right" then somewhere along the way you've made him feel like whatever he says is wrong. I had a girlfriend who ALWAYS had some critique about anything I did and it was always negative. She probably didn't realize it, but the receiving end does.
    Things like this: I took the time to clean up the kitchen when we lived together really good. I mean a good old scrub down. When I told her her first response was "you should clean the bedroom since it was worse" not "wow, thanks for doing that".
    And if he's out of work is it because he wants to be or is it because he can't find work? Many men's egos are hurt when they feel they can't help support the home they live in and go into depression. That would explain sleeping in late.
    IMO, see a counselor together and hash out what the issues are and go from there. Many people have no idea why their SO is pissed off and this is a good way to find out.
  • mistyb47711
    mistyb47711 Posts: 861 Member
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    Im sorry you are having these problems.....I cant tell you what to do. This was like reading my life which I am now getting divorced...plus mine played video games all night long and did not want to get up until 2pm - 5pm.....Im truly sorry you are going through this.
  • kennethmgreen
    kennethmgreen Posts: 1,759 Member
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    I don't even know if counseling will work at this point.

    I came home from work sick. My general manager told me to leave, because I looked ill. That never happens. I've got walking pneumonia. I'm sick. Period. When I get home and crawl into bed, all I get from my husband, who is also sleeping, is "Are you going to make up those hours?" Really? Keep in mind, this was around noon that I came home. We both went to bed at 11pm. He was still sleeping when I got home.

    Then, a little while later, my mother calls. I spill soda as I get up to answer the phone because my husband refuses to answer it. I've got my mother *****ing in my ear about how she hasn't heard from me in a few days, which is complete BS. She asks me why I'm so short, I say because I spilled soda on the floor. My husband goes "YOU SPILLED SODA ON THE FLOOR? REALLY?!" I go "Yes, I'm sorry!" in a rushed voice because now I've got two people giving me ****.

    Apparently I didn't respond correctly because he ran off into the computer room and locked himself in, and refused to open the door. Then when I told him to take his dog because I was about to shower, he opens the door and instantly puts the dog in his cage. Really? So I stand there and try to figure out why he's acting the way he is. "YOU GOT AN ATTITUDE WITH ME AND WANTED TO START A FIGHT" Really? You couldn't just assume "You know, she snapped at me, she's on the phone with her mother. I'm going to let it go." No, you run off and lock a door in the apartment that I PAY FOR because I WORK FULL TIME and YOU DON'T.

    I don't even know why I'm married. He clearly doesn't care for me. He wants sex like it's my job to please him. If we don't have sex for a few nights, it turns into me never wanting to sleep with him or some bull**** reason he comes up with. He never looks at me or even acknowledges me when we argue or fight. Right now, he's sitting on his goddamn computer playing some stupid game. As I'm trying to talk to him all he does is roll his effing eyes at me and repeat what I say to him. Or, this is my personal favorite, I'll say something like "When you act like this, it makes me feel like you don't want to be with me." And EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I get a response like "Oh sure, because I don't want to be with you. Uh huh. You're right, you're always right."

    I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm so over crying about him. He doesn't care, why should I.
    I am sorry you are experiencing pain. Sounds like a pretty crappy day. I'm not sure what you expect from your post, however. That's a lot of description about someone else's behavior. No one on this site has access to your husband (as far as I know), but we have access to you.

    You have shared your frustration. Are you literally asking why you should care? (your last sentence). Do you want sympathy? Encouragement? Comraderie? To have strangers on the Internet take your side, agree that your husband's behavior is abhorrent? Those are all OK, I suppose. But they don't really solve any problems.

    You are on a weight loss site, changing your life. You signature tells me you quit smoking, and have met other goals. Obviously you are disciplined enough to make real, positive changes in your life. I encourage you to focus on YOU and YOUR behavior and see where you can make changes. I'm not suggesting you ignore your husband's behavior, or that it is even OK. But you make choices how you respond to other people. You have to own your own choices. You might discover an opportunity for growth. You might discover that you don't want to be in the relationship after all.

    Even with a priest, counselor, family friend, etc. if you continue focusing on the other person, you will limit your ability for real long-term solutions. It all comes back to you. When you focus on you, you get the power back. You need that power back. I hope you get it.
  • H_Factor
    H_Factor Posts: 1,722 Member
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    Check out Retrouvaille, if you have it in your area. They work miracles with marriages that are breaking apart.

    http://www.retrouvaille.org/pages.php?page=1

    I mentioned Retrouvaille earlier and I'm glad someone else recommended it. I want to add a couple of things about Retrouvaille:

    1. you don't have to be catholic or religious to attend. I'm jewish and had no issue with it. the program is WAY MORE about marriage than anything else.

    2. thinking about it, Retrouvaille uses similar principles as MFP. Your host couples during your weekend (and post sessions) are folks who themselves had a troubled marriage, went through Retrouvaille, and have something much better now. They share their personal stories with you...about the troubles they had...about what they learned at Retrouvaille that helped...about how they apply the principles in their lives and marriages. In short, you hear other people's success stories...but you hear them from folks who you can relate to...folks who were in a similar position that you are in now...so you think "wow, if they made it through that, I'm going to try to make it through my issues...I think I can if my spouse is on board". One of the real benefits I see people talk about on MFP is reading others' success stories....we gravitate towards folks who have achieved goals we want to achieve to learn what they did to achieve the goal. Retrouvaille is similar. You learn how folks who once had a troubled marriage fixed their marriage by using the tools they learn at Retrouvaille. In a lot of ways, Retrouvaille is different from marriage counseling...and I think its something easier to relate to...not to mention its not so dang esoteric.
  • Iamfit4life
    Iamfit4life Posts: 3,095 Member
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    my personal opinion is life is too short to be unhappy.


    Can you see him changing?

    He has to be a willing party to counseling and I don't know the two of you personally but he sounds like a child.
  • kandrews24
    kandrews24 Posts: 610 Member
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    For whatever reason, I've rarely heard of counseling helping to improve a marriage. I've often heard of it pushing folks further apart, going on a long time, and then the relationship ending. If no kids involved, I'd save my money and time.

    Sounds like you are not in the best space at the moment. Maybe you can escape to a friend's house and get a respite. You need to get better. You need to take care of yourself. You don't need to try to make serious decisions about the rest of your life or your marriage at this time.

    Hope you get better soon. Maybe hubby is having a bad day too. Not an excuse, but a possible explaination. I hate the locked himself up part, but then again, at least he was not venting on you anymore.

    If after you feel better and you gain some perspective, things still seem miserable . . . explore your options.
  • Apryl546
    Apryl546 Posts: 909 Member
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    13) Topics about politics, religion, atheism, or sexuality are not allowed and will be deleted. This includes posting images or signatures. Unfortunately, we have seen that topics about any of these subjects are highly likely to result in heated arguments and disputes. If you really wish to discuss either of these topics, please google political forums, religious forums, etc. - there are plenty of other places to express your views.
  • Ocarina
    Ocarina Posts: 1,550 Member
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    I'm coming from my own experience in a good marriage to tell you that you are NOT in a healthy situation. We will always get in fights with our spouses but they get resolved and underlying issues are exposed and dealt with. This sounds like an ongoing thing with someone that is going to do this until the end of time. Is he going to school? Why the hell is he only working part time when he should be working full time? It's only fair in a marriage as it's supposed to be about a team. He sounds like he wants babied and taken care of for the rest of his life. You DO NOT want that in a marriage with children, what kind of father would that be??

    People that don't want to work full time and just want to **** around blow my mind. Especially if they are married and aren't pulling their weight around the house. He's acting like a complete baby locking himself up in a room that you should have full access to as his wife and part renter/owner of the property. It sounds like all he cares about are the hours you work and that his video game allowance is still in tact.

    My husband does NOT ask me if I'm going to make up my homework when I'm sick or having a down day. I do not do that to him either. The only work related topic that comes up is, "Did you let the boss know that you are coming home?" But there's nothing about money involved. This isn't about physical things but about your relationship! If he's supposed to be your best friend and lifetime partner he needs to treat you with RESPECT. My husband goes so far out of his way to help me clean, study, walk with me, shop with me, laugh with me and all sorts of ****. Not once has he flipped out and asked me some bs about cash/work ethic.

    I'm sorry this is so long but my family is so obsessed with 40+ hours a week/must have lots of money and if you don't you are lazy and careless. It tears apart relationships, especially when you aren't actually having problems like money issues or health issues. Why make life so stressful when it's hard enough already??? You do not sound like you are benefiting from this relationship and you have the upper hand. You can get out with your full time paycheck and leave him in his parent's basement.

    Good luck whatever you do.
  • BEERRUNNER
    BEERRUNNER Posts: 3,049 Member
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    The guy is an unemployed baby!!!! He need YOU MORE than you need him! You DESERVE better than this dont you think?
    What kind of MAN acts like a baby like that????

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