Question for all WOMEN. I'm a guy and need to know.
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Somethings been really bothering me lately. I don't plan on getting a job until next year. I'm 36. I'm an alcoholic who has managed to only drink twice this year. (I already know that that is a good thing.) My past is HORRIBLE i.e. hardly any employment, arrests for public intoxication etc, NO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE OR ASSAULT, no ambition, hardly any girlfriends at all, and I drank some friends away, all my Facebook friends know that Iv'e always been an alcoholic. I never moved out of my parents house, got a job, or bought a car etc. because I just didn't care about life. Basically I had a problem and I let it take over my ENTIRE life.
Currently I'm doing REALLY good, am exercising, love life, and am going to the local university. There are A LOT of girls there. I lucked out and look like I'm only 24 or 25. I attract girls but am too weary to talk to them because of my past. I mean, what will they do when they find out all this stuff I just told you? It's embarrassing and scary. I know I'm not at school to find a girlfriend but I know something will eventually happen. My question is: with knowing everything I just told you about myself.....how much will all that play a role in whether or not a girl just flat out rolls her eyes at me, says, "Oh my God" and never speaks to me again? I don't approach girls but there ARE girls who will approach me.
Feel free to tell me exactly what you think.
Maybe not the first thing you tell a girl, but eventually tell them the truth because it is better they hear itfrom you then anyone else. Besides if a girl really likes you or eventually loves you they will for who you are and have been regaurdless of your past because everyones got one. Not everyone is perfect!0 -
Never tell a woman, "I'm planning on getting a job next year" unless you don't want to start dating her until next year. A lot of women are willing to overlook a past as long as you have your s*** together currently with a plan to KEEP your s*** together in the long term.
Also, that's awesome that you've only had a few drinks in the last year, but my guess is that if you want a woman to trust you with your past, she better not ever see you take another sip. Just my two cents.0 -
Is this a serious post or are you being snarky?
My answer depends on the context
**EDIT: I think he is serious. So heres a serious answer.
Depends on what type of girl you are looking for. If you are looking for a hang and bang/blow n' go type relationship, then there is ALWAYS messed up, emotionally scarred, daddy issues type girls that can be found that really won't care about your past.
If you want an ACTUAL relationship with a girl worth keeping, you're gonna have to change some things...
1 - Get a job. Like... tomorrow.
2 - Move. The. HELL Out of your parents house. Like... tomorrow.
3 - Get confident. Being unsure of yourself is a huge turnoff.
4 - Own up to your mistakes and be honest with yourself. If you can live with your past, then a girl shouldn't have any problems with it.
Trust me on this one, NO ONE is proud about everything in their past.
She said it. Relationships are serious business, and to have a successful one you have to be fully YOU first. You have a lot to do and a lot to figure out before you're ready for a serious relationship.
My girlfriends & I, all college educated, professional, independent women, have 4 absolutes for choosing a guy.
1) You must have a job & completely support yourself.
2) You must be able to get yourself around, whether that's a car or public transportation or whatever.
3) You can NOT live with your parents. PERIOD.
4) You cannot be addicted to video games.
It's amazing how difficult it is to find a guy that passes. Mine is a purple squirrel!
Good luck to you, & get to work!0 -
Sweetie - thanks for your breath-taking honesty... I would say, given your concerns, that the most important thing you can do is to find yourself a FRIEND first and worry about "the rest of it" later... ALL of us come with baggage, ALL of us. Someone who has learned to trust you and enjoys your company will be able to work WITH you to overcome the junk from the past. But these things take time! I know what you are going through because I have PTSD and have been "torturing" the person I know to be The One because he can't "read" me due to my disability... But - after learning that the two of us are able to stick together through all kinds of tough times, I am FINALLY thinking I can share my story with him. But it has taken me about 2 1/2 years to get to this point... Just go SLOWLY! Try to determine if the person you are interested in has a strong enough character to be worthy of YOU and your life-affirming efforts to change.0
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Is this a serious post or are you being snarky?
My answer depends on the context
**EDIT: I think he is serious. So heres a serious answer.
Depends on what type of girl you are looking for. If you are looking for a hang and bang/blow n' go type relationship, then there is ALWAYS messed up, emotionally scarred, daddy issues type girls that can be found that really won't care about your past.
If you want an ACTUAL relationship with a girl worth keeping, you're gonna have to change some things...
1 - Get a job. Like... tomorrow.
2 - Move. The. HELL Out of your parents house. Like... tomorrow.
3 - Get confident. Being unsure of yourself is a huge turnoff.
4 - Own up to your mistakes and be honest with yourself. If you can live with your past, then a girl shouldn't have any problems with it.
Trust me on this one, NO ONE is proud about everything in their past.
1-4 about sums it up. A past like that wouldn't bother me at all so long as it was in the past. However, I would have an issue with someone I was interested in dating being unemployed and living at home by choice at this stage of my life. I would literally run because I'd be afraid of turning into the new caretaker or mother figure, and I'm only interested in having a partner.0 -
Let your past be your testimony on how far you've come along. We all suffer from a horrible past. It's how you rise above that matters most.0
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I'm dating a recovering alcoholic - he doesn't live with his parents, but he is focussing on his degree rather than working right now.
I think that if you get a job, move out, and try and work through the problems that stuffed your life before, success in all ways (including with women) will start to come into your life.0 -
Dito. as long as you fix everything. move out and get a job (if you are going to school full time you can get away with a part time job. but my hubby works full time and goes to school full time so you can too) what do you mean by HORRIBLE? horrible means you are a sexual weirdo and beat or rape women or children, murder, or skin animals alive. do you mean drugs, alcohol and other petty stuff? cuz thats ok if you are willing to change. but not of course my deffinition of horrible. i would date you if are doing well (job, school, appartment)0
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All women are different and all women have different standards and preferences. I don't think your past would hinder you in a future relationship, but at the same time, I wouldn't offer all that information up front if I was you. If she asks, don't lie. But don't offer more information than you feel she can handle. And by the way, you are VERY attractive, so at least you have that going for you!
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Honestly, the lack of a job nor the ambition to get a job at your age would worry me more than the alcoholism.
yes.
Even if he's currently studying at university?!?!! I'd say that is fixing his life and it certainly shows ambition.
Alcoholics have a tremendous earning power and power to succeed once they put the bottle down. At 36 one should be more than able to go to school AND work.
Wait, how does being 36 and a recovering addict have anything to do with time?
I am also in school, although I am only 18, and I hardly have time to keep my job, go to school, AND manage to get good grades. The only reason I have my job still is because I pay for school by myself, no loans no parent help no nothing, and I would have to drop out if I didn't.
It's very hard to go to school and work at the same time, especially in college. Maybe you've forgotten, but I am currently doing it right now.
And alcoholics have the same capability to get things done as normal people, because once they are sober they ARE regular people.0 -
Dito. as long as you fix everything. move out and get a job (if you are going to school full time you can get away with a part time job. but my hubby works full time and goes to school full time so you can too) what do you mean by HORRIBLE? horrible means you are a sexual weirdo and beat or rape women or children, murder, or skin animals alive. do you mean drugs, alcohol and other petty stuff? cuz thats ok if you are willing to change. but not of course my deffinition of horrible. i would date you if are doing well (job, school, appartment)
You should never say that just because one person can do it, that another person can. Everyone is different. Maybe the OP struggles with grades (not saying he does, I'm just making a point) and he has to spend more time on his homework and studying for tests in order to pass? But other than that I agree with you.0 -
You DO realize that this makes you a hot chick MAGNET? TONS of college girls would date you just for the street cred.
Yes. I am being serious.0 -
The right girl would accept it and understand! At least you are bettering yourself and are no longer the way you used to be! There are things about my boyfriend's past that I am not too crazy about, but he's not that person anymore so it doesn't make me love him any less!0
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My boyfriend has had a colourful past. He told me everything from his past. and he lost friends and some people still wouldn't have a great opinion of him.
He has worked hard and has proved himself. It's not what is in your past but what you're willing to work towards. The right person will love you for you.0 -
Is this a serious post or are you being snarky?
My answer depends on the context
**EDIT: I think he is serious. So heres a serious answer.
Depends on what type of girl you are looking for. If you are looking for a hang and bang/blow n' go type relationship, then there is ALWAYS messed up, emotionally scarred, daddy issues type girls that can be found that really won't care about your past.
If you want an ACTUAL relationship with a girl worth keeping, you're gonna have to change some things...
1 - Get a job. Like... tomorrow.
2 - Move. The. HELL Out of your parents house. Like... tomorrow.
3 - Get confident. Being unsure of yourself is a huge turnoff.
4 - Own up to your mistakes and be honest with yourself. If you can live with your past, then a girl shouldn't have any problems with it.
Trust me on this one, NO ONE is proud about everything in their past.
She said it. Relationships are serious business, and to have a successful one you have to be fully YOU first. You have a lot to do and a lot to figure out before you're ready for a serious relationship.
My girlfriends & I, all college educated, professional, independent women, have 4 absolutes for choosing a guy.
1) You must have a job & completely support yourself.
2) You must be able to get yourself around, whether that's a car or public transportation or whatever.
3) You can NOT live with your parents. PERIOD.
4) You cannot be addicted to video games.
It's amazing how difficult it is to find a guy that passes. Mine is a purple squirrel!
Good luck to you, & get to work!
LOL I love the not addicted to video games one! It drives me NUTS when that's all a guy will do! Someone I know is like this! He is overweight, 32, and NEVER leaves his room except to smoke and eat EWWWW turn off!0 -
I say if the two of you really get to know each other and connect and "get" who the other person is now, then leave your past in your past. I don't mean never tell her, but don't let it hold you back. You look hot and you're going to school...I assume to further your education and find a good job so that you CAN move out on your own, you're sober and you now have a positive attitude, you have ambition, it sounds like to me.... I think you'll be just fine.0
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I just wanna thank everybody for responding. Iv'e read each and every post from all of you. Thank you.0
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maybe finding a job would be good for you. Some women are afraid of men without jobs because it is nice to be with someone you do not have to take care of but who you can help out (but not too much.) maybe wait until you are closer to someone to tell them your past. no one wants alot of drama unloaded on them during the dating stage. that stage is the fun part/let's know each other part. I can only speak for myself and my friend who I let see this too. Other girls could feel differently but the job thing shows you have a commitment of sorts.0
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let me tell you about my friend who was in the exact same situation. except he now almost has his nursing degree, is living with his girlfriend, has a car, has a job, and they have a baby on the way. that person is my brother.
so, now that you know that i'm biased - i would say that you are an inspiring person. if some girl rolls her eyes at you, then she's not worth your time! she clearly cannot see how you're working on overcoming your flaws, which is really dumb since we all have flaws. just because yours are more serious than nail biting or cursing doesn't mean that you're not a worth while person.
good luck with everything. keep your chin up 0 -
and please dont think the job thing is from us gold digging. its just that we need someone who can take care of us when we are prego or if something happens like a sick child. 0
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