Question for all WOMEN. I'm a guy and need to know.
Replies
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Dito. as long as you fix everything. move out and get a job (if you are going to school full time you can get away with a part time job. but my hubby works full time and goes to school full time so you can too) what do you mean by HORRIBLE? horrible means you are a sexual weirdo and beat or rape women or children, murder, or skin animals alive. do you mean drugs, alcohol and other petty stuff? cuz thats ok if you are willing to change. but not of course my deffinition of horrible. i would date you if are doing well (job, school, appartment)
You should never say that just because one person can do it, that another person can. Everyone is different. Maybe the OP struggles with grades (not saying he does, I'm just making a point) and he has to spend more time on his homework and studying for tests in order to pass? But other than that I agree with you.0 -
You DO realize that this makes you a hot chick MAGNET? TONS of college girls would date you just for the street cred.
Yes. I am being serious.0 -
The right girl would accept it and understand! At least you are bettering yourself and are no longer the way you used to be! There are things about my boyfriend's past that I am not too crazy about, but he's not that person anymore so it doesn't make me love him any less!0
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My boyfriend has had a colourful past. He told me everything from his past. and he lost friends and some people still wouldn't have a great opinion of him.
He has worked hard and has proved himself. It's not what is in your past but what you're willing to work towards. The right person will love you for you.0 -
Is this a serious post or are you being snarky?
My answer depends on the context
**EDIT: I think he is serious. So heres a serious answer.
Depends on what type of girl you are looking for. If you are looking for a hang and bang/blow n' go type relationship, then there is ALWAYS messed up, emotionally scarred, daddy issues type girls that can be found that really won't care about your past.
If you want an ACTUAL relationship with a girl worth keeping, you're gonna have to change some things...
1 - Get a job. Like... tomorrow.
2 - Move. The. HELL Out of your parents house. Like... tomorrow.
3 - Get confident. Being unsure of yourself is a huge turnoff.
4 - Own up to your mistakes and be honest with yourself. If you can live with your past, then a girl shouldn't have any problems with it.
Trust me on this one, NO ONE is proud about everything in their past.
She said it. Relationships are serious business, and to have a successful one you have to be fully YOU first. You have a lot to do and a lot to figure out before you're ready for a serious relationship.
My girlfriends & I, all college educated, professional, independent women, have 4 absolutes for choosing a guy.
1) You must have a job & completely support yourself.
2) You must be able to get yourself around, whether that's a car or public transportation or whatever.
3) You can NOT live with your parents. PERIOD.
4) You cannot be addicted to video games.
It's amazing how difficult it is to find a guy that passes. Mine is a purple squirrel!
Good luck to you, & get to work!
LOL I love the not addicted to video games one! It drives me NUTS when that's all a guy will do! Someone I know is like this! He is overweight, 32, and NEVER leaves his room except to smoke and eat EWWWW turn off!0 -
I say if the two of you really get to know each other and connect and "get" who the other person is now, then leave your past in your past. I don't mean never tell her, but don't let it hold you back. You look hot and you're going to school...I assume to further your education and find a good job so that you CAN move out on your own, you're sober and you now have a positive attitude, you have ambition, it sounds like to me.... I think you'll be just fine.0
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I just wanna thank everybody for responding. Iv'e read each and every post from all of you. Thank you.0
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maybe finding a job would be good for you. Some women are afraid of men without jobs because it is nice to be with someone you do not have to take care of but who you can help out (but not too much.) maybe wait until you are closer to someone to tell them your past. no one wants alot of drama unloaded on them during the dating stage. that stage is the fun part/let's know each other part. I can only speak for myself and my friend who I let see this too. Other girls could feel differently but the job thing shows you have a commitment of sorts.0
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let me tell you about my friend who was in the exact same situation. except he now almost has his nursing degree, is living with his girlfriend, has a car, has a job, and they have a baby on the way. that person is my brother.
so, now that you know that i'm biased - i would say that you are an inspiring person. if some girl rolls her eyes at you, then she's not worth your time! she clearly cannot see how you're working on overcoming your flaws, which is really dumb since we all have flaws. just because yours are more serious than nail biting or cursing doesn't mean that you're not a worth while person.
good luck with everything. keep your chin up
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and please dont think the job thing is from us gold digging. its just that we need someone who can take care of us when we are prego or if something happens like a sick child. 0
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Ok, I know your situation. My current boyfriend of 5 years is in the program and when we got together lived with his parents fresh our of prison for stupid things done while drinking. He is not that person anymore. We now own our own home, he is great with my son and he works hard. It is possible. How would people like to be judge on their past. You are doing great getting things back together and any real women would respect that.0
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From my perspective:
1. You're in college and look young, but that doesn't mean you should be dating 20 year olds. Look for someone a little older, with a little more life experience. If you're 36, I'd recommend not dating younger than 26. Probably closer to 32+ would be best.
2. Don't plan on anything but casual dating until you can move out of your parent's house. In this economy, living at home and going to school at 36 isn't unreasonable. But, you really need your feet under you before you anything serious.
3. Don't spill your entire life story on the first date. Hang out a bit and see if you actually click before you go into details. Don't lie - EVER - but don't go into the entire story. Someone who knows the you now won't be scared away as fast as someone who only thinks of the you then. Plus, you'll seem too needy.
4. Always remember that your past is your past, not your now or your future. Any woman who can't see that isn't worth the time and energy a relationship takes, and it's her loss. Sounds to me like you're on a great path. Patience and time, my friend.0 -
ohhh i ageee!!!0
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People change. And it looks like that is what you are trying to do. Your trying to get control, change who you are/what you do. That's something wonderful. When I first meant my husband, we were working together.I was attracted to him, even after he told me things that he had done. yes we were a lot younger then you are now, but i liked the fact that he didnt try to hide things, that he was up front and honest about things. He still is a very honest man and we have been together 31 years now.You dont have to go into details, but be honest, dont try and blow them away and tell them everything at one time. Go slow, them them get to know you. But never lie to them either. I am sure, that the right girl will see you for your wonderful self and put your past behind you, where it belongs. Going to college is a wonderful step, and let them know your LOOKING for a job. Move out of your parents. though with todays economy more people are staying at hjome longer..but its time to move on as soon as you can.0
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Prioritize. Finish your education, and then get a job with your degree. Relationships aren't as important as becoming independent.Somethings been really bothering me lately. I don't plan on getting a job until next year. I'm 36. I'm an alcoholic who has managed to only drink twice this year. (I already know that that is a good thing.) My past is HORRIBLE i.e. hardly any employment, arrests for public intoxication etc, NO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE OR ASSAULT, no ambition, hardly any girlfriends at all, and I drank some friends away, all my Facebook friends know that Iv'e always been an alcoholic. I never moved out of my parents house, got a job, or bought a car etc. because I just didn't care about life. Basically I had a problem and I let it take over my ENTIRE life.
Currently I'm doing REALLY good, am exercising, love life, and am going to the local university. There are A LOT of girls there. I lucked out and look like I'm only 24 or 25. I attract girls but am too weary to talk to them because of my past. I mean, what will they do when they find out all this stuff I just told you? It's embarrassing and scary. I know I'm not at school to find a girlfriend but I know something will eventually happen. My question is: with knowing everything I just told you about myself.....how much will all that play a role in whether or not a girl just flat out rolls her eyes at me, says, "Oh my God" and never speaks to me again? I don't approach girls but there ARE girls who will approach me.
Feel free to tell me exactly what you think.0 -
BUMP0
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dannylives: Don't be afraid. Everybody has a past, and everybody makes mistakes. I think who you are defines you, not what you used to do. If you are on track with life, and striving to be the best you can possibly be, that is the most important thing. Good luck!0
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I'm a recovering alcoholic and married to a recovering alcoholic. First and foremost, what kind of recovery program are you working? I learned (the hard way I might add) that even when I wasn't drinking I was still a pretty messed up person. I had to get my own program in good shape before I even tried any kind of relationship with the opposite sex. In the program I'm part of they recommend a solid year of no slips or relapses before even thinking about dating. Good luck and focus on yourself right now. Life can be better than you ever imagined!0
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I agree w/a lot of the other posters on here -- we ALL have our demons, and we all have our pasts. I don't know what it's like to be an alcoholic, but I had a pretty traumatic childhood. You're already trying to face your demons, and deal with where you are, and where you wanna be. That's a BIG first step.
I went through a lot of bad / unhealthy relationships when I was still dealing with all my issues. It wasn't until I spent a LOT of time getting myself together (by being alone, and working on things with a good therapist) that I found myself in a better place -- soon I was confident and stronger, and I finally knew what I really wanted out of my life, my living situation, my relationships. Over time, I found a GREAT guy who was not only a good guy, but really good for me. It was worth the wait.
The best thing you can do for yourself is what you're doing now -- getting yourself together. Once you are standing on your own 2 feet, and feeling good about where you are and who you are, all the other stuff will follow.
HANG IN THERE, and keep up the hard work. I admire your perserverence!!0 -
IMO: It's the past.. I have a ****ty past and I'm only 21! It's who you are as a person that counts, your intentions, morals and soul Do what feels right, let whatever happens, happen. Be happy and enjoy life while you have it! (but what do I know really,:P ) 0
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Hi, I'm an alcoholic too, haven't drank in 22 years. I have to say that I think healthy women will run from you like the plague, but I don't think there are that many healthy women, there are a large number that will want to help you to be all that you can be. I don't think that that usually works long either.
I have to say I'm proud of you, keep up the good work, be honest with yourself and others and YOU will like you.
This is probably the most realistic of posts.
Another thing you have to look at, women in general, while more than capable themselves, look to their men to be protectors. They like guys they can feel safe with. Physically, financially, emotionally. Someone they can see themselves having a family with. That implies responsibility, steadfastness, loyalty, maturity. A shoulder to lean on. I think this is something both sexes would value in their partners.
This is why a man with a job, who can take care of himself, is important. If he can't take care of himself, how can you expect him to be part of and take care of a family?
Pattern recognition is valuable, and a person's history can show a pattern of behavior that can convey whether they are a risk or not.
To say a woman isn't worth it because they don't like what they see of someone else's past is a wrong way to look at it. They value themselves enough not to be drug down into what they see as potential misery. Can you honestly blame them?
Same goes for men that have learned what to steer clear of. Usually they don't do that "just because".
Yeah, maybe it might work out, but the key word is *maybe*. Some people won't risk it.0 -
Be Honest. Own your past, and own what you have learned from it.
I had issues before I met my husband. You will be facing challenges reguarding your baggage for a long time, so you want to know that the person you end up with knows the whole story so they can support you and trust you. Anyways, when I met him, after a few weeks, I told him that I liked him a lot, but I was going to be brutally honest with him because I wanted him to know what he was getting in to. We have had our challenges, but with good communication we have managed to resolve, or greatly improve all those issues0 -
I am about 10 years younger than you, but have dated older me before.
I used to winder why at 30 something they were still single and going nowhere.
So your post kind of caught my eye.
My advice: Better yourself NOW. Try to find a job, and get yourself into a stable place, and move into your own place - you don't have to buy or get a huge place, but that's a big thing for women. We don't want someone who lives at home.
Any woman you meet who is worth it is going to look at who you are right now and who you will potentially be. We all have things in our past that we aren't proud of , or struggles that might come up again (I know how tough alcohol recovery can be). But if you get yourself together, or at least have a plan thatchanges things. You need to have a good plan and work hard for it - those are the things women want to see.
Good luck!0 -
Honesty is everything in any relationship whether friends or girlfriends. Not only will it help you have accountability that they know these things it will help them be more aware of things they do while with you. You don't want to just casually date a girl and she not knowing your past asks you to hang out at a bar and drink the night away. You are doing great being sober for so long but you also don't want to open yourself up to that temptation again and fall back into the trap. If she knows these things up front she will respect your honesty and most importantly that you are commited to sobriety....at least ALL the girls I know would.
Now onto the other things. You are at school trying to make a path for yourself so that is a plus but I will be honest a girl wants to see a man who can take care of himself. Even if you are baggin groceries it is a job and shows you are motivated. You want a girl to respect you and not feel like she is taking care of everything....trust me I have been there. Once she loses respect for you the relationship is done so I would work on that. If you are living with your parents just set a goal that you will look for a place to live and get on your feet.
Lastly when you wake up in the morning and you look in the mirror and the person you see back you respect and are proud of the hard work you are doing then run with it man. If you look in the mirror and see things you do not like start making positive changes so you can be proud of the man staring back at you. Your doing great with your life so keep it up and keep moving forward. Thanks for sharing your story I cannot imagine that was very easy. No need to be embarrassed we all have things we are not proud of it is what we do to change them that matters. Best of luck to you!0 -
I think you need to be totally honest with anyone you date or may one day date. You are who you are and your life circumstances have made you that way. Why deny it. You need to get your ducks in a row and be self sufficient. That way you know you truly can make it through life as a responsible, independent member of society. That way when the crap hits the fan, and it will, thats the way life rolls you don't need a woman, a family memeber or anyone else to lean on. You can handle it and move on.
Then......
What you need to do is look in the mirror and have a talk with yourself. Set some clear goals as to what you want in a woman. You need to look at that real close. It may be easy to attract the wrong type of woman who will take you back to your past. You need to look for the type of woman that will be what you want in the future. Set your goals HIGH and don't settle for less.
My father was an alcoholic, my sister a druggie and my aunts boyfriend was both and in and out of jail. I dated boys that drank, but I refused to stay with one who couldn't be responsible. I know how the life of being the spouse of someone with those problems are. I couldn't get too close to it, because I couldn't handle it.(that's just me) I hardly drink at all. I think you need to be with someone who has the patience and understanding about that lifestyle. She also needs to responsible and sesitive to it. She needs to know that you have a life long problem with alcohol and she cannot take a laxadasical approach about YOUR relationship with achohol.
I am not saying cannot be reformed and that you can't move on and have a very loving life with a wonderful woman and children (if that's what you want) I just think you need to be upfront and honest. Ghosts have a way of coming out of the closet at the most inopportune time and you need to be prepared.
My dad has been sober for 25 years and counting. It can be done. And you CAN do it! Just don't sweep it under the rug and think you conquered it.
Best wishes to you,
:flowerforyou:0 -
I can't believe I am answering this. Here goes. I didn't read everyone elses responses, hopefully you get this one. I'm a recovering addict. You will know when you are ready to date. You;ll probably think you are ready before you are ready. If you don't think you are ready, you definetely aren't. When you meet the right person, you will be able to tell them everything, and they will still love and respect you for who you are now and how far you have come. Enjoy life, keep working on yourself. Don't worry about anything else. The first thing I told my current husband was my whole past. He didn't seem scared so we went on a date. Finding someone who accepts you for you, past present and future- priceless. Dating someone before you are ready - a disaster waiting to happen.0
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Danny, you seem like an awesome guy. Even with the most "perfect" person comes baggage. If a woman is worth having, she will not judge you based on your past. But hopefully, you don't say "hi, I'm Danny. And this is my life story" as soon as you meet someone. that may be a little overwhelming for some. You can't change your past...is your past relevant? yes, but it's not the entirety of who you are. And it definitely isn't who you are now, right? So don't be embarrassed. I could ramble on forever. I hope I kind of answered your question 0
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Everyone has their baggage. I'm 22 and a recovering addict. I don't use anymore, but I drink. I dropped out of college. My boyfriend is 28, lived with his parents when we got together, and worked part time at a book store.
As long as you want something more than what you have now, then I think that should be enough. Are you trying to get a car? Are you trying to move out? Are you trying to get a job? How are you surviving money wise? Do you parents pay your bills?
I don't think you'll be able to get girls your age, to be honest because of where you are in your life. Look for casual dates. Even go onto dating sites.0 -
Is this a serious post or are you being snarky?
My answer depends on the context
**EDIT: I think he is serious. So heres a serious answer.
Depends on what type of girl you are looking for. If you are looking for a hang and bang/blow n' go type relationship, then there is ALWAYS messed up, emotionally scarred, daddy issues type girls that can be found that really won't care about your past.
If you want an ACTUAL relationship with a girl worth keeping, you're gonna have to change some things...
1 - Get a job. Like... tomorrow.
2 - Move. The. HELL Out of your parents house. Like... tomorrow.
3 - Get confident. Being unsure of yourself is a huge turnoff.
4 - Own up to your mistakes and be honest with yourself. If you can live with your past, then a girl shouldn't have any problems with it.
Trust me on this one, NO ONE is proud about everything in their past.
Now this answer says it all!:drinker: :bigsmile:0 -
Okay Danny I read what you typed several times to make sure that your only problem in the past was Alcoholism. At this point of your life you do not have a job bc you are going to school to get a degree to get a job i take it? You need to take your alcoholism very serious even more than your past because it is your present and future. You are an alcoholist. But as long as you accept this and realize all your past acts were done bc of this problem, you should have no problem in dating and coming clean first thing. Never lie, stay true to yourself and get with life. You are young enough to start from scratch and you are on the right path. As long as you continue, a very nice girl will be sent to your life. Never doubt that good actions are always rewarded eventually.0
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