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Paraprosdokians

A Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.


* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.


* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.


* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


* Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.


* I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted wages.


* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'


* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


* A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.


* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


* There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.


* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.


* You're never too old to learn something stupid.


* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


* A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.


* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.


* I always take life with a pinch of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.


* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


* If we are supposed to learn from our mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

If Men Were Allowed to Write Advice Columns


Will's Problem Page


Dear Will:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high- heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?


Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Billings


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.

If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Will

My wife has been missing a month now.
The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

At a U2 concert in Ireland , Bono, the lead singer, asks the audience for some quiet, and then he slowly starts to clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "I want you to think about something.

Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A Newfie in the front yells out, in the silence: "Then stop clappin' ya F**kin' a**ole"!

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.


He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.


The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.


As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.





While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,


"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.


After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs..."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom... There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.


She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?"

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,


"You've built a GolfCourse ?"

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

After both suffering depression for quite some time, my wife and I decided to both commit suicide last night.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought, screw it, I'll tough it out.

WHAT IS LEVEL OF STRESS...
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful young girl.
Suddenly she faints inside your car, and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you are going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful.
So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile and probably have been since birth.
You are extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids.
NOW THAT'S STRESS!

OLD GUYS ARE HELPFUL...

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."



Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

Buddy of mine met with a serious accident, he lost his privates in a motorcycle accident, his doctor informed him he was good for insurance, $5000 for the initial replacement and $1000 per inch , he suggested he consulted with his wife as to how many inches would be required, 5 may be too little and 9 may be too much

He returned the following day and informed the doctor that he had discussed with his wife and......








They are getting granite counter tops.