You Let Yourself Go

I kind of hate that expression “you let yourself go”. I didn’t go anywhere. I was never THEIR to begin with. I was born nearly 10 pounds to a diabetic mother. I was a very fat baby who became a fat toddler, a fat child, a fat pre-teen, a fat teen. I weighed 300 pounds by the time I was in high school.

I have never had one single day in my entire life that I wasn't fat. I guess when you’ve never been thin you don’t know what you’re missing. But I DO know what I would be missing if I was no longer fat.

I would be missing the stares and dirty looks of strangers as I pass them in the store or on the street. I would be missing the snarky remarks of sales girls telling me "we don't carry anything in YOUR size". I would be missing having to assess that flimsy chair at a friend's house, wondering if I sit, will it hold me? Missing the comments of friends and family asking if I've been exercising and eating right. Missing going through pair after pair of jeans because my touching thighs keep rubbing holes in them. Missing going through life never knowing what my style is, because I've always just had to settle for what I could find that would fit me. Missing the judgmental smirks of strangers if I dare eat anything other than a salad. Missing never going swimming in 20 years because I would make people sick if I wore a bathing suit. Missing never being able to enjoy a nice long soak in a bath because most tubs are too narrow and squeeze my hips. Missing going through the hottest summer months sweltering in jeans and big shirts. Missing chairs with arms that pinch and poke and dig into me like medieval torture devices. Missing clothes that are either too tight or lay on me like a potato sack - nothing every fitting right.

Those are just a few of the things I want to go the rest of my life “missing”. So ok, I don't know what I'm missing not being thin? But I will be happy going the rest of my life missing what it's like being fat.

I never did Let Myself Go. But now I fully intend to. I Let Myself Go …down the fresh fruit and vegetable isle instead of the chips isle. I Let Myself Go down the street for a walk. I let Let Myself Go to the farmer's market instead of a fast food joint. I Let Myself Go for a hike instead of the movies. For the first time in my life I really am "letting myself go". And you know what? I'm pretty proud of that.