Break up or make up?

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Replies

  • Alioth
    Alioth Posts: 571 Member
    Hey there. From someone who's had some training to counsel young people with substance abuse and other issues-- I would be very careful with this guy. Your description of his behavior raises a few red flags--escapism/avoidance (video gaming to escape real life and relationships), substance abuse (the drunkeness), and lashing out (nasty texts). These are not little flaws that will go away on their own. They are warning signs of deeper issues--possibly depression or alcoholism or major insecurities. Even if you love him, he may need more help than you can give him. He might need professional help or a serious wake-up call of some sort to help him wade through his issues. Trying to change him yourself or waiting for him to change on his own when you have enough responsibilities on your plate (such as being a mom) is going to be draining. It's your decision whether you want to stick it out with him or look for someone who treats you with respect, but you don't have to tolerate his acting out. Protecting yourself (and your family) is important!
  • AussieNikki
    AussieNikki Posts: 168 Member
    I had a baby when I was 18 with a guy who I thought was great, but in reality was pretty much exactly what you have described your guy to be. Mine also did drugs.

    He broke up with me when I got pregnant and all through my pregnancy I begged and pleaded with him to come back. Then I had my son and a realisation struck me. I couldn't allow him to be raised by someone who treated his mother the way he did.

    Funnily enough he came crawling back wanting to get back together when my son was a few months old. I told him no way. The down hill slide his life took over the years just solidifies to me that I made the right choice.

    My son is now 17 and I am married to a wonderful man who loves me and my son. Just because you have a child to this man doesn't mean you HAVE to stay with him.

    Do it for both of you, you and your child.
  • LazerMole
    LazerMole Posts: 99 Member
    I just want you know there are good men out there. Men who don't play video games, men who put their family first, men who are fun and will love you and your son.

    Just because a man plays video games does not take him out of the running for being a good man.

    My Dad and I play video games together and get excited about the same games coming out. He played video games with me and my brothers when we were growing up, and it was awesome family time. He also coached several of the sports we were all involved in, and did his damnedest to take off work to come see our recitals and games.

    My husband and I play the same video games, as well. My husband is a good man who is there for his family. We don't have kids, and might not - but I can safely say that if we had kids, they would be raised by a very attentive father who, yes, plays video games with them.

    The OP's fiance is an immature *kitten*. Video games are not the problem.
  • AussieNikki
    AussieNikki Posts: 168 Member
    I just want you know there are good men out there. Men who don't play video games, men who put their family first, men who are fun and will love you and your son.

    Just because a man plays video games does not take him out of the running for being a good man.

    My Dad and I play video games together and get excited about the same games coming out. He played video games with me and my brothers when we were growing up, and it was awesome family time. He also coached several of the sports we were all involved in, and did his damnedest to take off work to come see our recitals and games.

    My husband and I play the same video games, as well. My husband is a good man who is there for his family. We don't have kids, and might not - but I can safely say that if we had kids, they would be raised by a very attentive father who, yes, plays video games with them.

    The OP's fiance is an immature *kitten*. Video games are not the problem.

    I don't think the poster meant to bash guys who play video games, but I too agree not all guys who play them are jerks. My hubby plays them and so do I.
  • SamBuck123
    SamBuck123 Posts: 90
    You need to think of your son before anything....Thats the man that he will be looking up to ya know?? And you dont want him treating you or a future gf that way because he sees that you never left...its difficult but time heals everything and you need to be strong....it has nothing to do with not loving him but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
  • unmitigatedbadassery
    unmitigatedbadassery Posts: 653 Member
    As a guy who's been on the receiving end of being kicked out around Christmas, I'd say give him the boot. There's NO excuse to have an Xbox come before family ANY day of the year.

    When she kicked me out I was devastated. All I could think about was my son and how he was going to deal with it. Fortunately he's only 2 so while he knows I'm not there as long as I spend time with him on a consistent basis he's going to be OK. Once I left I realized that my relationship had been over since I was in the hospital 2 years ago. The only thing keeping us 'together' was our son. I'd technically been single for almost two years. I am so much happier now. Aside from not seeing my son every day (I see him almost everyday though) a huge weight has been lifted off of me. People have commented on how happy I seem.

    Just remember, if it's not working, if he's not going to change they you need to do what's best for you and your child. Having a dad that cares but lives elsewhere is far superior to one that's useless and lives under the same roof.
  • kisha1977
    kisha1977 Posts: 33 Member
    You need to leave...you don't want your son to see this man being disrespectful to you and think thats okay. You are beautiful and you deserve better!
  • LuciaLongIsland
    LuciaLongIsland Posts: 815 Member
    I have 3 suggestions for you.

    1. Pack up
    2. Leave
    3. Never look back

    This ^^

    It's no longer about you anymore, sweetie. It's about you and your son.


    Well said. I know from experience. I stayed, like a fool with someone for 21 years. No kids with him. Why??? No clue. He sounds like your BF. Drank and was so nasty. The relationship was TOXIC. He couldnt kick me out since it was my house. It went up and dow, on and off. Truly sick.

    . You are so young. Your son does not need a drunken, selfish father. I promise, when the time is right you will meet a wonderful man who will love and cherish you both.
  • Debbe2
    Debbe2 Posts: 2,071 Member
    You've gotten excellent feedback in answer to your question! I believe you already knew what you need to do and want confirmation that you are not a bad person for doing it. You are strong and your instinct that you should leave is a good instinct. Trust yourself and take action immediately. Good luck to you!
  • TamsinEllis
    TamsinEllis Posts: 293
    I agree with what everyone else is saying about leaving because it is what will be best for both you and your son, but I will add this in there (I haven't read everyone replies so possibly I'm parroting someone here) I wouldn't tell him your plans to leave if you do decide to, until you are packed and ready since most likely he will come up with a million and one excuses as to why you can't leave right now this minute, I can't say I've had experience with what you're going through but I have walked out on a relationship before and when I first decided to he kept talking me into staying just one more day, giving it just one more try, not leaving till the weathers better, so on so forth, and I wouldn't be surprised if your man is like that to from what you said about how he always says he'll do better next time. Anyway if you leave or if you stay I wish you the best of luck :)
  • liz3marie
    liz3marie Posts: 211 Member
    They will always say they are gonna change, and they do...it last maybe a few days or a week. Then back to the same bull sh+t! I think you already know what to do sweety :(, I know its hard but you and your baby deserve way better! he will regret it later and he deserves to! Its always gonna come back to the same things everytime. Get help from your family and start your life with your lil one over :). Goodluck in your decisions!
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,973 Member
    He'll change when he's 60.


    A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • TiffanyDeanee
    TiffanyDeanee Posts: 158
    I feel you should just leave, I haven't personally went through anything like this, but I have a friend who went through the same things. First, it started out as subtle disrespect, like him telling her that she was stupid, talking down to her, talking about her weight, making her and their first kid catch a bus in the rain and then after she had the second child it turned to straight emotional abuse. When a guy gets to the point where he doesn't respect you anymore, there is nothing left for you there. No matter how much he says he loves, he love the control he has over you more than anything. I would leave while you only have one kid and no more attachments than that.
  • bestrodeo
    bestrodeo Posts: 139 Member
    Only because you asked but I would say leave em.. First off if you stay with him you are submitting your child and any other kids yall might have to his bad habits and if its not already happening any physical abuse your boyfriend might put you through could be shown towards the child(ren) as well. Its just better to end it now before it gets any worse.. If he really cares about you or your child once you're gone he will change in order to show you he cares and try to get you back.. BE CAREFUL but leave while you can
  • hannahbellelechter
    hannahbellelechter Posts: 79
    Leave 'em. They never change. Save yourself the heartache.. I know this from experience. Much love <3
  • Thena81
    Thena81 Posts: 1,265 Member
    some men cant get over their bromance, move on lovely if you dont think it will change
  • oberon0124
    oberon0124 Posts: 10,524 Member
    My friend, kick his *kitten* to the curb. It is obvious that he does not care for you or your son enough to deserve either of you. Run my friend as fast as you can. He will not change that is obvious from the other 99 times that he has not!!!
  • soccer8s
    soccer8s Posts: 238 Member
    LEAVE....you and YOUR SON deserve better than this!!!! 100%

    You are better than this....get out there and do what's best for you and your precious son!!!!

    Your soon to be ex may or may not ever change...but even if he does, who knows how long it will take....go enjoy life with your son and put a smile on that beautiful face!!!

    Head up!!!!! HUGS!!!!
  • nurse_chris
    nurse_chris Posts: 189
    I was in the same situation, but unfortunately I got married thinking that that would change... The funny thing is I would be the first person to tell my friends in the same situation to walk...... Anyway, we weren't married two years and me going back to school was the final straw.

    It will be hard initially, but you will save yourself a lot of tears and excuses to your child if you just cut all your strings now.

    Good luck, and i know any advice is so much easier said then done!
  • KarmaxKitty
    KarmaxKitty Posts: 901 Member
    Leave. The longer you stay the more your son may come to think that his behavior is okay. If this was happening to someone you cared about, what would you tell them. It's time for the jerk to go. Don't ever let anyone disrespect you OR your son!
  • frugalmomsrock
    frugalmomsrock Posts: 1,123
    I'd run. Fast.
  • liseyicious
    liseyicious Posts: 29
    leave him. he needs to grow up. seriously.
  • get2goalhr
    get2goalhr Posts: 1 Member
    Oh sweetheart, they don't change. I had one like that and never thought I could get over it. You must put your CHILD first and do what is best for him. Remember, babies feel and hear and the stress is not good for your child. I had a 4 month old and he gave me the strength to leave. Now, 21 years later, I am with the love of my life and we have 2 more children together and he adopted and treats my oldest son as if he were a gift to him from god. Leave.
  • ymhand
    ymhand Posts: 188
    I thought I was reading about myself for a minute, my bf also has an xbox and it seems my place is the place hangout. I cannot stand that especially on Christmas....don't you losers have family to be with. So I go upstairs with my daughter (not his child) and hangout upstairs. It's getting really old, and I know this isn't how I want to continue living. I am ready to move out also (of my own place, lol) I guess change is a little scary but not worth being in this kind of relationship.
  • mewaybright
    mewaybright Posts: 240 Member
    And you are still with him for why? Have more respect for yourself than to put up with his crap.
  • FitasBarbie
    FitasBarbie Posts: 141 Member
    There is nothing worth fighting for when you are the only one fighting to save the relationship. Put your kid first , your little one deserves to be raised in an environment with love and stability. I waited for 7 years we have a one year old son. Having a son did not change him added responsibility only made it worse. It's hard but it will be the best decision you will ever make for you and your baby.
  • laddyboy
    laddyboy Posts: 1,565 Member
    Ok, this thread is a perfect example of why the divorce rate is so high.

    1st off let me say the obvious - this is why having children at such an early age is so hard. (my daughter is 23 with a 1yr old and is having some of the same issues and this it what I've said to her),

    Relationship themselves are hard...now throw a baby in there and it gets harder 10 folds. Relationship are a team thing. Both sides have to work at it. Get some counseling if he'll agree. Men can change, they just have to want to. I changed so I know it's possible.
    As long as he is not hitting you or the baby I would say try to work together to a solution. If he gets in front of a 3rd party they may be able to talk to him. They may say the same things you are but coming from somebody else it may get thru.
    You have to do everything you can to give that baby a stable home with a good mom and a good dad. After you have tried everything and things don't change or get better you may have no choice but to move on. But for the babies sake...try everything and try HARD.
  • Elzecat
    Elzecat Posts: 2,916 Member
    Ok, this thread is a perfect example of why the divorce rate is so high.

    1st off let me say the obvious - this is why having children at such an early age is so hard. (my daughter is 23 with a 1yr old and is having some of the same issues and this it what I've said to her),

    Relationship themselves are hard...now throw a baby in there and it gets harder 10 folds. Relationship are a team thing. Both sides have to work at it. Get some counseling if he'll agree. Men can change, they just have to want to. I changed so I know it's possible.
    As long as he is not hitting you or the baby I would say try to work together to a solution. If he gets in front of a 3rd party they may be able to talk to him. They may say the same things you are but coming from somebody else it may get thru.
    You have to do everything you can to give that baby a stable home with a good mom and a good dad. After you have tried everything and things don't change or get better you may have no choice but to move on. But for the babies sake...try everything and try HARD.

    I sincerely hope you are not recommending that your daughter stays with an abusive partner just so she doesn't have to (god forbid) be divorced? Note: the OP is 19, not married, as far as I can tell from her posting, and the guy kicked her and a CHILD out on Christmas so that he could play games and drink with buddies!!! This is not a "good dad." Huge red flags in the area of abuse and control. For the safety of herself and her child, she should leave and if this person wants to be that "good dad" maybe he'll get some professional help to understand he cannot treat her or his child like that. I understand some people think children cannot be raised properly in a single parent home, but better a single parent than a dead or beaten parent. Or abused child.
  • ogosun
    ogosun Posts: 175 Member
    Leave him. He's never going to change. If this has happened 100 times, what makes you think 101 will be different? You deserve someone better! Good luck:)


    totally agree.... just because you have a baby with him doesn't mean you should stay with an idiot like that....
  • Elzecat
    Elzecat Posts: 2,916 Member
    Don't wait for that apology. Get out, make a good life for you and your child, and in the future, if this young man gets some professional help, perhaps he will be able to show you that he has changed and you can work on him having a relationship with his child. Right now, he is not mature to be part of the child's life (or yours!), and you need to put your child's needs first. I wish you the best of luck, sweetie.
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