Break up or make up?

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123457

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  • Ambr
    Ambr Posts: 53 Member
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    definitely leave him, if he did like this 100 times then by next x-mas it'll be 300 times because he would know thatt no matter what he does , you always forgive him so it wont matter to him what he actually does , its you who have to make the rite decision and find a better life for yourself and your son. Good luck
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
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    honestly? he sounds immature. it might be better for you and your son to be away from him. if you love him, you have to tell him be needs to grow up before you will be with him. you have to stick to your guns though.
  • bmqbonnie
    bmqbonnie Posts: 836 Member
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    Believe it or not, there are relationships in existence where constant belittling and disrespect is not the norm. My ex is a douche and a half but even he never did any of that crap to me, yet I am so glad I'm not with him anymore.

    My parents stayed together, for the kids and for their religion. I get along with them fine now but I will tell your right now that as a kid it was awful to be around parents that were constantly fighting and a dad that was always storming around. And my dad was 45 when he had me, not 22.

    Change is this grand myth that we all seem to get wrapped up in. I agree that people can change, here and there, but it is slow and gradual, it has to be desperately desired, and there are some things that are more difficult to change than others. It's not that hard to, say, change your eating habits and preferences. That's something most of us MFPers are pretty familiar with. It is very hard to change the fundamental ways in which we relate to other people, and it rarely happens.

    Abusers usually remain abusers. Liars stay liars. Doormats are doormats til the day they die. People make slight improvements but they remain essentially the same (for example, I am shy. I have forced myself to be more outgoing over the years, but I am still an introvert, end of story).

    So do I think you should leave? Yes, though I can't make you.
  • janf15
    janf15 Posts: 242 Member
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    It has been said by man- men and women alike and you are saying it yourself. It is time to pack up, leave, and move on forward. He is not a good role model for your son and there are guys out there who will give you a lot more respect than he has done - and will do.
  • mariewithers
    mariewithers Posts: 27
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    You let him off with his bad behaviour 100 times in the past, he can treat you however badle he wants then just say sorry and everything's ok. Why should he change, Christmas day , what does he do? Enjoy his babies' first Christmas, make the mother of his child, his fiancé, feel loved and special? NO, he kicks his little family out to make room for his mates, gets drunk while playing games then calls his "loved one" up and doles out a load of abuse and blame.
    Tell me, what's to love about this "man"?
    Wake up and smell the coffee love, he doesn't love you! When you experience a mans love you will recognise this. Get out before he has the chance to teach your son how to badly treat a woman!
  • moniquelessard
    moniquelessard Posts: 418
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    Warning: tough love ahead....

    Been there. All I can say is you will never leave him until YOU decide to leave him. We can all give you plenty of really sound advice, but unless you're willing to be strong and brave for you and your child, you will stay in the situation you are in.

    You already know the reasons why you should leave. You already know that things will not get better and in fact they will get worse.

    If you want to have a good, happy life... then you must create it.

    I left when my daughter was 1 month old, and I made something of myself. 3 1/2 years later we are better without him around.

    Unless you thrive on drama, it is time to grow up and make a big change in your life.

    Wishing you the best.... and sending you tons of strength. This is not easy and it won't be easy for a while...BUT when you do get over him OMG life will be GOOOOOOOOD

    xoxox
  • RunningAddict
    RunningAddict Posts: 548 Member
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    I'm a firm believer that families should stay together but there is no one that deserves to be treated like crap! I have been in that situation a cpl of diff. times and I stayed for years thinking that they would change or my love would change them. In the end I was the only one who suffered and wasted all those years of my life being miserable. The choice is yours but don't spend your life in misery we can never get back lost time. Best wishes to you and your son!
  • Contrarian
    Contrarian Posts: 8,138 Member
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    Talk to some people who know both of you, and be more specific about how he "basically" kicked you out so he could hang out with his friend. I think there are some huge pieces of the puzzle that you haven't disclosed because you wanted to get a particular response.

    If you want to leave, then leave - you don't need the opinion of people on the internet who know nothing about your situation.
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520
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    Where does this "people don't change" statement come from? People change...all the time. I change and grow every year.
    I think people need to want to change though.

    There is a difference between accepting his apology and hoping he will change and being proactive about dealing with the issues. Again, I say seek couples counseling for the sake of making things work for your son. If he does not want to work on the relationship then that is a different story.

    Children grow up, and their behaviour changes ... yes, people change and grow .. over time. People don't wake up one day and turn from being a selfish egotistical abusive idiot to a loving and nurturing parent...just because a baby pops into the picture. THAT is so often a problem with unplanned pregnancies. Young couples sometimes have no idea what they are getting in to.

    Miraculous behavioural changes are rare .. and often short lived. This guy, that our OP is talking about is obvious too immature to understand the concepts of 'family' and appropriate behaviour...or at least care about it enough to modify his behavior. Some day, maybe .. he might make some life changes .. but, I wouldn't advise our OP to hold her breath. With an infant involved, a uncommitted parent is going to cause a lot of drama and emotional turmoil. It's time to do some damage control.
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520
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    As long as he is not hitting you or the baby I would say try to work together to a solution.
    As someone that left an extremely abusive relationship that was emotional and verbal abuse, not physical, I can honestly say that this is terrible advice. Getting physically hit would have been no less abusive than the way that my ex husband broke me down to the point that I couldn't even speak without his permission. It has taken me over 10 years to get most of my self confidence back and now I am with someone that truly appreciates me and encourages me to speak out.

    Abuse is a fundamental betrayal of trust. There is no reason to stay in a relationship like that, especially with a young child.

    I agree .. Emotional, verbal and even financial abuse or control is just as devastating as physical abuse. It can leave wounds and scars that will last a lifetime. I would NEVER advise anyone (especially someone THIS young) to stay in a relationship as long as their is no physical abuse. THAT in itself is horrible advise!
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520
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    Ok, this thread is a perfect example of why the divorce rate is so high.

    1st off let me say the obvious - this is why having children at such an early age is so hard. (my daughter is 23 with a 1yr old and is having some of the same issues and this it what I've said to her),

    Relationship themselves are hard...now throw a baby in there and it gets harder 10 folds. Relationship are a team thing. Both sides have to work at it. Get some counseling if he'll agree. Men can change, they just have to want to. I changed so I know it's possible.
    As long as he is not hitting you or the baby I would say try to work together to a solution. If he gets in front of a 3rd party they may be able to talk to him. They may say the same things you are but coming from somebody else it may get thru.
    You have to do everything you can to give that baby a stable home with a good mom and a good dad. After you have tried everything and things don't change or get better you may have no choice but to move on. But for the babies sake...try everything and try HARD.

    What are you talking about? Divorce rates are so high because people marry without getting to know their partner, and have a unrealistic ideal that 'they will change'. When, the fantasy starts to wain and reality sets in.. then it's divorce time.

    Our OP already knows what kind of 'man' he is .. if she married him .. chances are she will be one of those statistics.
  • RaeLB
    RaeLB Posts: 1,216 Member
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    Where does this "people don't change" statement come from? People change...all the time. I change and grow every year.
    I think people need to want to change though.

    There is a difference between accepting his apology and hoping he will change and being proactive about dealing with the issues. Again, I say seek couples counseling for the sake of making things work for your son. If he does not want to work on the relationship then that is a different story.

    Children grow up, and their behaviour changes ... yes, people change and grow .. over time. People don't wake up one day and turn from being a selfish egotistical abusive idiot to a loving and nurturing parent...just because a baby pops into the picture. THAT is so often a problem with unplanned pregnancies. Young couples sometimes have no idea what they are getting in to.

    Miraculous behavioural changes are rare .. and often short lived. This guy, that our OP is talking about is obvious too immature to understand the concepts of 'family' and appropriate behaviour...or at least care about it enough to modify his behavior. Some day, maybe .. he might make some life changes .. but, I wouldn't advise our OP to hold her breath. With an infant involved, a uncommitted parent is going to cause a lot of drama and emotional turmoil. It's time to do some damage control.

    I said nothing about miraculous behavioural changes. I was talking about being proactive about creating change in their relationship.
  • moniquelessard
    moniquelessard Posts: 418
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    Where does this "people don't change" statement come from? People change...all the time. I change and grow every year.
    I think people need to want to change though.

    There is a difference between accepting his apology and hoping he will change and being proactive about dealing with the issues. Again, I say seek couples counseling for the sake of making things work for your son. If he does not want to work on the relationship then that is a different story.

    Children grow up, and their behaviour changes ... yes, people change and grow .. over time. People don't wake up one day and turn from being a selfish egotistical abusive idiot to a loving and nurturing parent...just because a baby pops into the picture. THAT is so often a problem with unplanned pregnancies. Young couples sometimes have no idea what they are getting in to.

    Miraculous behavioural changes are rare .. and often short lived. This guy, that our OP is talking about is obvious too immature to understand the concepts of 'family' and appropriate behaviour...or at least care about it enough to modify his behavior. Some day, maybe .. he might make some life changes .. but, I wouldn't advise our OP to hold her breath. With an infant involved, a uncommitted parent is going to cause a lot of drama and emotional turmoil. It's time to do some damage control.

    I said nothing about miraculous behavioural changes. I was talking about being proactive about creating change in their relationship.

    possible... only when both parties are interested in doing so...

    ANYWAYS...not sure if the back and forth is helpful for the OP....
  • laineyluma
    laineyluma Posts: 358 Member
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    Leave! It will only get worse with time. He will see you are letting him walk all over you. And you don't want your son growing up thinking it is okay to treat a woman or his family that way. It is a vicious cycle.
  • Tjm288
    Tjm288 Posts: 53 Member
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    I had a relationship like this....same age too....he never changed and became abusive..... Finally left and met the nicest boy ever...you just gotta leave first!
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520
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    Where does this "people don't change" statement come from? People change...all the time. I change and grow every year.
    I think people need to want to change though.

    There is a difference between accepting his apology and hoping he will change and being proactive about dealing with the issues. Again, I say seek couples counseling for the sake of making things work for your son. If he does not want to work on the relationship then that is a different story.

    Children grow up, and their behaviour changes ... yes, people change and grow .. over time. People don't wake up one day and
    turn from being a selfish egotistical abusive idiot to a loving and nurturing parent...just because a baby pops into the picture. THAT is so often a problem with unplanned pregnancies. Young couples sometimes have no idea what they are getting in to.

    Miraculous behavioural changes are rare .. and often short lived. This guy, that our OP is talking about is obvious too immature to understand the concepts of 'family' and appropriate behaviour...or at least care about it enough to modify his behavior. Some day, maybe .. he might make some life changes .. but, I wouldn't advise our OP to hold her breath. With an infant involved, a
    uncommitted parent is going to cause a lot of drama and emotional turmoil. It's time to do some damage control.

    I said nothing about miraculous behavioural changes. I was talking about being proactive about creating change in their relationship.

    You said "people change all the time" .. And I agreed, but further pointed out that "miraculous" changes are often shallow and short
    lived. It happens .. But rarely.

    As we mature and grow we transform into the people we are supposed to be. Each of us unique. Mostly due to natural tendancies, but we are also influenced by our environment. We as children Learn from those around us. We are uniquely affected by many factors. One being how 'happy' we are. If we are not happy we tend to act in a certain way ... Contrary to how would act if we are happy.
  • sdereski
    sdereski Posts: 3,406 Member
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    R U N!!! And don't ever look back.

    He's not going to change. Don't put your son in a situation where this behaviour is what he will witness all his life.
  • seehawkmomma
    seehawkmomma Posts: 815
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    I have 3 suggestions for you.

    1. Pack up
    2. Leave
    3. Never look back

    This ^^

    It's no longer about you anymore, sweetie. It's about you and your son.


    ITS ABOUT YOUR SON.

    I wish any strength I had I was able to give to you. Leaving someone is hard. Especially when there is a child involved. I've been there. The way he is acting right now will only get worse. You are so beautiful and your son is adorable. Take care of you! As soon as you start doing that you'll be the best mother you can be. It took me way too long to leave my daughters father. I kept thinking "This time he really will change." or "I know he is a jerk but he loves me". Now I think of my thought process and I am so disguested with myself. How could I have done that to my daughter?! To myself?! You deserve the best. Someone who loves you and cherishes both you and your son.

    All I can say is right now will probably be the best it will ever be. People who have that mentallity can change, but is it worth it to wait and put your son thru that?
  • Elizabeth_C34
    Elizabeth_C34 Posts: 6,376 Member
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    Get out of it.

    Staying in a relationship with this guy is going to be toxic for you and your son. He sounds like an overgrown teenage boy to me, so do what you need to do and take care of your son. If he decides to grow up and not be a turdmonkey to his son, let him be a part of his life, but you gotta do what you gotta do now. Don't be afraid. Ask your family for help for a little bit until you get on your feet, work hard, and make a good life for you and your son. You can do it. I grew up the daughter of a hardworking single mother. She worked 2-3 jobs for years to keep food on the table, but we made it.

    Don't worry about finding another man right now. Focus on the one you're raising.

    Good luck to you!
  • veganhoneys
    veganhoneys Posts: 34
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    What you see is what you get. You can't count on someone changing. If he makes a positive change in the future, reconsider it then. Right now you seem to know what's best for you and your son. Trust your instincts. If you need support, I'm happy to lend an ear and I'm sure there are many people here you can reach out to.

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