Married but feels like a single mom

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simplycindy07
simplycindy07 Posts: 13 Member
in Chit-Chat
Anyone else out there feel the same way? I have 2 boys; 5 (almost 6) and just 2. And a husband who is so completely selfish that I get no time for myself. I feel like I am doing all this on my own... All the housework, taking care of the boys, finding time to work from home, all the things that hubby should be able to do for himself but expects me to do it... like answering the door when he is right there and I am helping our 2 year-old eat...

I have a hard enough time trying to find time to work... which is usually 4-7 am, during my 2 year-olds nap and after the boys go to bed. When am I supposed to take time to exercise? He tells me to just do it, but then when I ask him to stay inside so I can, I get a deep sigh from him, then I hear him yelling at the boys. So, then I stop my workout to "rescue" the boys. I know he is doing it on purpose cuz he knows I'll stop but I don't feel that it is right for me to put my boys through that just so I can get 30 mins of time in for myself.

Anyone have any suggestions?

Thanks.

Cindy
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Replies

  • Clarecbear82
    Clarecbear82 Posts: 369 Member
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    I don't have an answer I'm afraid but just want you to know your not alone in feeling like this :flowerforyou:
  • simplycindy07
    simplycindy07 Posts: 13 Member
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    Ugh. Totally sucks. I need a tropical island with a hot cabana boy bringing me fruity alcoholic beverages with umbrellas in them. LOL Wanna join me? :laugh:
  • Jellyphant
    Jellyphant Posts: 1,400 Member
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    Bring down the hammer. Put those balls in a jar above the fridge, girl. Time to do YOU.
  • laineyluma
    laineyluma Posts: 358 Member
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    Bring down the hammer. Put those balls in a jar above the fridge, girl. Time to do YOU.

    This
  • PaigeJMP
    PaigeJMP Posts: 25 Member
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    I think every mom feels like this at some point.... you can't change him, only the way you react. Maybe try to find ways to work out that doesn't involve depending on him to "watch" the kids. Try taking your kids to the playground, make it a workout for yourself! do some pull ups on the playstructure, push up, sit ups, step ups on the benches, race the kids around, or let them play on the playground while you work out nearby.
    I joined a gym with a child minding centre. If that's an option for you, check it out.
    Good luck! you can do it! Don't let ANYONE sabotage you!!!
  • vs1023
    vs1023 Posts: 417 Member
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    It happens sometimes here. It helps that we have a sitter now so I can go do things I need to do including working from home. Don't get me wrong my hubby is very helpful, but there are times I feel like i'm running a marathon trying to keep things together on the homefront and the kids and still try to find time for me. My health is a priority because without it this ship wouldn't run as smoothly as it does. Can you workout outside the home? I know it's hard for me not to intervene if the kids are acting up and Dh is getting short with them. If I'm not here then I don't know about it and can focus on me.
  • deeharley
    deeharley Posts: 1,208 Member
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    Quit rescuing them. If he's truly doing it only to get you to stop, tell him, you're not going to be stopping from now on and he needs to have patience with HIS children. He is not babysitting for you, he is spending time with the humans that he is responsible for, that will carry on the legacy of who he is. He's welcome to pass on whatever he wants during your time, but pass it on he will because you are exercising so that you will be around longer to support him and them and the two of you can pass on the best legacy possible.
  • Eleanorjanethinner
    Eleanorjanethinner Posts: 563 Member
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    Lordy, Lordy... how about you sit down with your husband and tell him what you've told us? He's not going to like it as people generally hate change, especially if it involves effort, but if he cares about you, he should be willing to take on some more parenting.

    Frame it as 'I feel exhausted... I would like...' - avoid criticising or saying 'You...'. Focus on what you'd like things to be like. Listen to his side of the story and negotiate. Maybe he was brought up in a family where the men didn't parent? Does he think this is the best way for you, the kids, him? How would he like things to be?

    Good luck!

    PS - if you're going to change your family dynamic, you'll need lots and lots of conversations. Years of habit don't change overnight, even if folk want them too.
  • LATeagno
    LATeagno Posts: 620 Member
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    I'm with you in a lot of ways. My husband is a doctoral student and he works about 65 hours per week, and then comes home and studies the entire time. I do 99% of everything. :( The other day, our dog threw up in the living room. I was downstairs doing laundry and he proclaimed, "Honey, the dog left you a present."

    **sigh**
  • kyrstensmom
    kyrstensmom Posts: 297 Member
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    It sounds like your husband is completely selfish....that being said, maybe you can sit the boys down with some color crayons and books while you get your 30 minutes in, or do some workout DVD's that they can "do" with you? Maybe try working out on your days off during naptime?

    You shouldn't have to rescue your children from their father, and if you do, maybe there's more going on than him just being selfish. I'm sorry you have to deal with that and I hope you find a solution that works for you and your children.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,701 Member
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    Couseling. From your DH's perspective, he probably doesn't see any problems with the exception that you may be complaining. Time to let him hear it from a person other than yourself. If he's not willing to go, then it's probably because he doesn't want anything to change. Then it's up to you at that point to put your foot down.


    A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • ogosun
    ogosun Posts: 175 Member
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    Sounds like your husband is from "backwards outcast village" somewhere way way back in time like 1940's or something like that...... Ewwwwww. Run away far away with your boys....
  • aippolito1
    aippolito1 Posts: 4,894 Member
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    Divorce?
  • earlinerowe
    earlinerowe Posts: 3
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    Wow!, your scenario is so typical of the husband sabotaging your efforts. Does he need to get in shape? if so, make it family event. Haae you voiced your feelings about what he's doing and how it's making you feel? Try it!!!:flowerforyou:
  • adjones5
    adjones5 Posts: 938 Member
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    I have no advice for you as I have never been married but I am sorry you are going through this :( it must be very hard. You're a strong woman.
  • LeelaLosing
    LeelaLosing Posts: 237 Member
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    If you don't feel comfortable with the way he parents and feel you need to rescue your kids from their father, you have bigger problems than figuring out how to find time to work out....based on your post, I'd honestly question why you're married to this guy. He's selfish, doesn't seem to care about you enough to respect your time to work, work out, or respect his serious role as a father and role model....what does he do for you or your children? (minus a paycheck...all of you need and deserve more than that). I would hire a sitter and sit him down without distractions and have a really serious conversation with him about the future of your relationship and family. If he doesn't want to be part of the healthy, functioning family that you are working to create, then I'd say move ahead for yourself. He needs a wake up call and he better wake the *kitten* up or he's going to miss out.
  • fit4mom
    fit4mom Posts: 1,352 Member
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    I take a biblical approach to this. Totally counter intuitive but usually counter intuitive works. Give undo grace where it is needed. Having compassion where you are determined not to give it. Acting in the love of Christ vs reacting. I felt this feeling when I first got married and had a new baby and wanted to work out. It's not so much that He doesn't want you to work out, but doesn't necessarily understand how you feel. He comes from a place where he's with people and personalities all day. So I'm sure he is a little uneasy when it comes to the kids. And he also doesn't get that you are needing this time. I make it a point to work out before the family gets up so it's not even a point of contention or during naps. This way I am also blessing them while I am getting my alone time. I do totally get where you are coming from. And while your feelings are validated I want to present a perspective that over time things will get easier. They did for me. And you are doing this for him as much as yourself so adjustments within the family will need to be made. It's hard at first when ever changes are being made and you could tell him in a kind way that the yelling makes it difficult to work out so maybe you guys could come to some sort of compromise. I really truly hope this helps you and am very blessed by your ability to reach out to the MFP peeps to sort out your feelings and confide in your burdens. Be blessed and know were here for you.
  • cheshirequeen
    cheshirequeen Posts: 1,324 Member
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    hubby finally, after me saying, i dont care what you say or do, this is about me, not you, and you are not stopping me. he was trying to sabotage me because he thought id go out and find somebody else/better than him. that could possibly be it. he saw guys staring more at me and was jealous. the whole father thing though, i have always just said, your son didnt get here by himself. it took two of us to make him, its going to take two of us to raise him. sometimes the whole he works and you are at home with the boys and can work from home, at least for hubby, thought he could get the pass of, i worked all day, staying at home with the kids is no biggie and you are here, so you should do it, and i shouldnt have to do anything attitude. i refused to do anything for him. i didnt cook, clean, or do anything for him. i made dinner for me and our son, washed our clothes, and he got it. i told him im not a single mother, and if you are going to make me feel like one, then you fend for yourself, because technically, if i was a single mother, you wouldnt be here. hopefully something will help, talking is a start, and although yelling, crying, screaming, ignoring, which can be a short term fix, have helped, long term talking and explaining this is not about him, this is about your life, being a healthier wife/mother so you can lead by example to your children and their futures. good luck to you. :flowerforyou:
  • pinkminy
    pinkminy Posts: 286
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    communication is one of the very important ingredients that make any relationship work, you must communicate to him exactly how you feel about all this, and by communicate i mean talk civil not yelling or arguing, and if it does escalate to a yelling match then tell him just hold on .....stop ... and then re-start the topic when you've both had time to think and regroup in a calm mood after all non of us can read minds and so if we don't talk about things and come to a compromise it will go on and on and on,
    HEY.... in order to change somethings in your life YOU have to change somethings in your life.
  • oberon0124
    oberon0124 Posts: 10,527 Member
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    From this man's point of view he is a sh-t !!!

    He helped make them he should help care for them.

    Tell him to get with the program my friend!!!

    Or get him right where most men live their balls. It always seemd to get my attention!!!

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