Weightloss and Your Significant Other (CAUTION: Could be PG1

The process definitely brought out some interesting psychological things with the guy that I was with while I lost weight. Sorry for the long post, we went through many stages of this.

I started dating a guy right when I was at my heaviest, over 200 lbs. He was definitely very attracted to me then, and has always had a "thing" for bigger girls. Some of his past girlfriends were huge. He never expressed it, but I'll admit I was worried he wouldn't find me attractive anymore when I lost weight. Not *that* worried, because losing weight was something I had wanted to do for so long, it was definitely a deeply personal, just for me, thing.
He was really worried about trying to not say the wrong thing when I was losing weight. I think he was concerned that if he complimented me, it would make me think he wasn't attracted to me before. But he would slip sometimes (ussually during / after sex), and look at me in awe, and sincerely say I was beautiful. (that feels nice!)
He didn't understand my obsession with weight-loss though -- you know that phase you go through at first where you have to be absolutely anal about every food, and you're so worried about effing it up just once, because you don't actually believe you can do it yet? He never got why I worried about it. For him, eating only when he's hungry, and working out, have always been enough for him to stay relatively thin and fit. He didn't understand on any level the un healthy relationship an obese person most likely has with food.

I left for the summer for about 4 months, and during that time, I completed P90X, as well as losing another 20 lbs or so. (On top of the 40 I had already lost)... I would say during that time I transitioned from being someone that was still heavy enough to be his "type", to being thin and in shape enough, that I was the type of stereotypical attractive person he would have claimed to be almost disturbing to him before. Incidentally, it was quite obvious he still found me very attractive. I got him to admit that his "preference" for big girls, was really a self confidence thing he himself had. He had social issues growing up, and had trained himself to not be attracted to the popular look, because someone that looked like that wouldn't give him the time of day. Incidentally, despite still being obviously incredibly attracted to me, he did break up with me for I believe unrelated reasons over the summer. We stayed really good friends, and dated on and off when I returned. I think we're "off" for good... but I will say he's mentioned more than once that he thinks I'm one of the most beautiful AND conventionally attractive women he knows, and has ever seen. Reconciling the two concepts with himself seems to challenge him.

Once I got back, he commented all the time that i made him look bad - while I had gotten all in shape, he had sorta atrophied sitting at a desk all summer. I know this makes him feel insecure, he's actually trying to run, more consciously lose weight now. I think he understands the food thing a little better.

I've always had a good libido, and we've always been a bit more *cough* adventurous than most. However, I feel much more comfortable in my body now. This makes it much more enjoyable for the both of us. Certain things are now possible, and flexibility is always a plus.

As for date nights...even when we got married we've never really felt like a "boring married couple". So, yes, we have always had lots of dates. (Brunch counts as a date, right?...I love brunch.) He did, also, just drop $150 on dinner for our anniversary.

As for what I've seen earlier in this thread about SOs telling each other they need to lose weight, I expect complete honesty from my SO as he does from me. He has always been honest about the fact that he actually didn't mind it when I was A LOT bigger, but he likes the changes to me now. Physically and emotionally. He did always tell me that he'd start complaining if he couldn't wrap his arms around me. (That never happened, but still.) He's always loved me the same as he did then. As he's developed a little tiny pudge I told him, and I still love him in spite of it. I expect my friends to be completely honest with me as well. Many people may think my best friend is an *kitten*, but he's just honest and blunt. No BS, just how I like it. My point is that just because they'd like it if you lost weight and were honest about it doesn't make them a bad SO, or person in general.

Just curious but like do people really expect your significant other to be like yeah I don't like you overweight you disgust me sometimes when I look at you and when we have sex I think of some really hot chick? I don't think so just always wondered that when guys or girls say that there significant other likes them any size (don't take it personal its not about you)

It's true, my husband would NEVER say that to me even if I asked. The correct response is "i love you no matter what" because he's not going to want to be in the "dog house" or hurt my feelings.
He has joked that if i ever gained a lot of weight that he'd still love me.. as a friend... but would never have sex with me again. Although joking, I'm pretty sure that's how he really feels. LOL

OUCH!
That hurts.
I went through that with my wife who detests fat people. When I got to 250, she decided ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH!
Either lose the fat or we're DONE!

If my wife got fat [never going to happen], I'd give her the opportunity to change. If not...

BYE BYE!
She and her true love [FOOD] can have a happy life together.

You would leave your wife if she got fat? Seriously?
I think I need to understand what it is you love about her.

That is such a foreign concept to me.

Okay Im full of questions today, if you are fat and disgusting and you feel fat and disgusting and guy/girl points out your fat and disgusting should you really get mad or motivated?

You should leave them because you deserve better. It's one thing to lose your attraction, sometimes you can't help it, but the terms "fat and disgusting" are leave-worthy.

I don't leave a relationship because somebody told me the truth.
In business I know other leaders who surround themselves with "yes" men. They don't want truth but some kind of ego echo chamber.
Same goes for a relationship.
Do you want a partner willing to be honest or some lying, 2-faced charmer?

I see great value in honesty, and a person must be humble enough to hear and believe the truth, then stand ready to address the problems. In our case it was simple, I was FAT!

And now, I am NOT.
And it's ON like 4 times a week instead of once a month in the dark.
I am afraid to ask her who she was thinking of...lol

jolaff

Okay Im full of questions today, if you are fat and disgusting and you feel fat and disgusting and guy/girl points out your fat and disgusting should you really get mad or motivated?

You should leave them because you deserve better. It's one thing to lose your attraction, sometimes you can't help it, but the terms "fat and disgusting" are leave-worthy.

I don't leave a relationship because somebody told me the truth.
In business I know other leaders who surround themselves with "yes" men. They don't want truth but some kind of ego echo chamber.
Same goes for a relationship.
Do you want a partner willing to be honest or some lying, 2-faced charmer?

I see great value in honesty, and a person must be humble enough to hear and believe the truth, then stand ready to address the problems. In our case it was simple, I was FAT!

And now, I am NOT.
And it's ON like 4 times a week instead of once a month in the dark.
I am afraid to ask her who she was thinking of...lol

I'm sorry, but I cannot take anything you say serious. You are the same person who used porn as an example to justify someone not finding their partner attractive. You talk about honesty and use porn which is so incredibly fake it's laughable. It's just too ironic for me. I don't have a problem that you and your wife don't like fat people. It is what it is. But I just really cannot take you serious.

I think the biggest thing is getting into better shape, that is what has improved many aspects of our relationship and its fun that we can work out togeather.

My boyfriend is very good looking and he has always has gorgeous girlfriends in the past. He is the perfect body weight and so are all his brothers, sisters and friends. I feel so disgusting around him and I know he thinks Im fat and should lose weight. He is very weight conscious of himself and freaks if he puts on 1 kg! He's never rude but he does subtly mention my weight and need to lose it. For example he suggests I rather eat salad than a chicken pie for lunch cause its a lot less fattening. He never calls me beautiful. Sometime says, "you look nice" or "you look pretty" and by that he is referring to the fact that i put make up on or did my hair. He always wants the lights off when we have sex and he doesn't really like me being on top! He doesn't say why but I must look so huge and disgusting from that angle!!

^^^ Just MHO, but I don't think you're where you deserve to be.

As for me and my SO, we are getting in shape together. All I'll say.......it's quite evident we are feeling better about ourselves. :devil:

What do you mean by that?
The title is "Weightloss and Your Significant Other"
That is what my post was referring to.

I think what he meant was....YOU deserve better than a boyfriend that MAKES you feel unattractive...There are men out there that would appreciate you for who you are, at any size

@lisajuliette I think what she's trying to say is it doesn't sound like your boyfriend treats you very nice and you deserve more than that.

I love him, he treats me well but no one can blame him for not thinking Im sexy. If i was him I wouldn't be having sex with me in the first place. I gained 4kgs this last month and he said nothing. He does love me they way I am but I wanna be smoking hot for him! Im sick of people looking at him like he's cooked in the head for dating a fat girl. I asked him to be honest with me about it and he says he loves me the way I am and I must do what makes me happy. So I asked him to be completely honest, would he find me more attractive if I lost the weight and he said yes.

No offense, but I think part of the issue lies with you. If you don't think you're sexy, he's not going to either. There is more to this life than being "smoking hot" on the outside. How people treat you (even sexually) begins between your ears. That being said, of course your exterior is a reflection of your interior world and if you're not happy with your exterior, you should do something about it. Don't do it for him. Do it for you.

My boyfriend is very good looking and he has always has gorgeous girlfriends in the past. He is the perfect body weight and so are all his brothers, sisters and friends. I feel so disgusting around him and I know he thinks Im fat and should lose weight. He is very weight conscious of himself and freaks if he puts on 1 kg! He's never rude but he does subtly mention my weight and need to lose it. For example he suggests I rather eat salad than a chicken pie for lunch cause its a lot less fattening. He never calls me beautiful. Sometime says, "you look nice" or "you look pretty" and by that he is referring to the fact that i put make up on or did my hair. He always wants the lights off when we have sex and he doesn't really like me being on top! He doesn't say why but I must look so huge and disgusting from that angle!!

Wow, I don’t even know what to say here. Your boyfriend sounds like he puts you down to make himself feel better. Comparing yourself to his ex-girlfriends won’t do you any good, either. You are you! You have to learn to love the body that you were given. You can work out and eat well to make your body healthier, but I’m not sure that your weight-obsessive boyfriend is going to help you in your journey. You are striving to reach his image of an ideal mate, instead of focusing on you and what’s healthy and doable. I used to think for a long time that if I only lost the weight, that I would have the perfect life and everything would be rosier, my relationships would be better, etc., but that’s not really true. You have to find that happiness on the inside, and I’m not sure you will be able to do that with this guy in your life. I was in a relationship like this once, and it took me a long time to get out of it, but I found a man (who is my husband now) that treats me like a queen no matter what size I am. Good luck to you on your journey!

If you knew in your heart that you were loved unconditionally, you would not feel disgusting around him. I've always told my SO she was beautiful even when she gained 40 pounds after we got together. It wasn't just to be nice, but the fact that she's beautiful to me no matter what. No need to have the lights off, etc. To me it just seems that he can be a little more supportive. Like I said.....just my opinion based on what you wrote. I'm obviously not all knowing in regards to your relationship......

I disagree completely. My husband has always told me he loves me no matter what I weigh and I know he does love me unconditionally.

I used to weigh 240, am down to 193 and still have a ways to go. Weighing that much made me feel gross and feel like the fat lady at the circus that some how was married to the tall, thin good looking guy. I caught people giving us the "wow, I cannot believe they are a couple look" and yes all that made me feel disgusting around him.

Just because *I* felt that way does not mean that my husband does not love me. To tell someone that their SO does not love them unconditionally because they themselves feel a certain way about their appearance is just incorrect in my book.

To play devils advocate, her bf only wants to have sex with the lights off. That is definetly not unconditional love ( in her case) I don;t know your relationship details like she has provided.

lmao. you'd think that getting in shape and toned and stuff would make things more interesting in the bedroom, but once I started working out a crap ton, my Ex and I actually rarely did anything anymore lol

As for my own relationship, he is still attracted to me; I am the one who is struggling. When I get to a certain point on the weight scale, I just FEEL uncomfortable and it makes me not want to do physical things in general. I have some medical conditions that get a bit worse when I put on weight and so there's pain involved that also distracts me from doing anything physical. My husband is still attracted to me, which is a great thing after 18 years together. It's just that I don't feel well so it takes a lot more effort for me to do physical things. It's not his fault, it's not my fault, it just is and we deal with it.

Just curious but like do people really expect your significant other to be like yeah I don't like you overweight you disgust me sometimes when I look at you and when we have sex I think of some really hot chick? I don't think so just always wondered that when guys or girls say that there significant other likes them any size (don't take it personal its not about you)

Ya, actually there are some mean people out there that would say this to their S.O. unfortunetly

I think it is all HOW you say things. Yes people can be mean but in this case, do you really want your S.O. to hide how they feel. I see it from this perspective. Why are you really in the relationship? People sometimes just need to self reflect. If your S.O. says they find your repulsive...then well-let's rethink the relationship all together. If your S.O. says " i love you for many different reasons but i'm finding myself less attracted to your belly fat" or " I love you but i'm not attracted to feeling your rib cage-I think you may have lost too much weight" ( both extreme, I know)

At the end of the day, wouldn't you really want to what to know what your S.O. is feeling? I personally want to have the availability to say what I am not attracted to and not feel that I am a horrible person for it. Yes, I say watch how you say things, which will come naturally if you really care for the person but we should also care about what we need and want from a relationship. You can love someone and then become un-attracted to them OR love someone very much then just fall out of love with them. Doesn't make you a mean person, just makes you human.