Weightloss and Your Significant Other (CAUTION: Could be PG1

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  • staceyhoy
    staceyhoy Posts: 5 Member
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    jolaff
  • KimmieBrie
    KimmieBrie Posts: 825 Member
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    Both my husband and I have had small weight gains. We aren't what you would call fat, but we aren't where we were when we met. We are both aware of it and working on it by working out together and trying to watch what we eat so the problem doesn't get worse. If my husband did gain a substantial amount of weight you bet I am going to try to correct it. I will be honest and do what I can to get him healthy and happy, He is not happy with his weight now (20 pds higher than when we met) - if higher I know he would feel worse. I would never insult him, call him names, or anything like that, but I'm not going to sit idly by and say "it's OK, I love you no matter what" (even if I love him no matter what) while he continues to become more unhealthy. I'm not like that. I don't believe honesty makes me a bad wife or that it means I love him any less. I married him. He's my husband that I love completely - for life - I meant it when I committed. If there comes a time when his weight is an issue I'm going to address it, not brush it under the carpet and say it's OK, especially if it started to affect our sex life. I would expect him to do the same.

    Being honest doesn't mean you love less. It means you respect yourself and your significant other enough to tell the truth and face whatever it is together.
  • tlsegar
    tlsegar Posts: 185 Member
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    Okay Im full of questions today, if you are fat and disgusting and you feel fat and disgusting and guy/girl points out your fat and disgusting should you really get mad or motivated?
    You should leave them because you deserve better. It's one thing to lose your attraction, sometimes you can't help it, but the terms "fat and disgusting" are leave-worthy.
    I don't leave a relationship because somebody told me the truth.
    In business I know other leaders who surround themselves with "yes" men. They don't want truth but some kind of ego echo chamber.
    Same goes for a relationship.
    Do you want a partner willing to be honest or some lying, 2-faced charmer?

    I see great value in honesty, and a person must be humble enough to hear and believe the truth, then stand ready to address the problems. In our case it was simple, I was FAT!

    And now, I am NOT.
    And it's ON like 4 times a week instead of once a month in the dark.
    I am afraid to ask her who she was thinking of...lol

    I'm sorry, but I cannot take anything you say serious. You are the same person who used porn as an example to justify someone not finding their partner attractive. You talk about honesty and use porn which is so incredibly fake it's laughable. It's just too ironic for me. I don't have a problem that you and your wife don't like fat people. It is what it is. But I just really cannot take you serious.
  • abitzan
    abitzan Posts: 85 Member
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    Though my dear husband loves me at every size. when I am at a weight I am most comfortable, 155-160 He enjoys it because I am normally running around in a little less clothing around the house.
    Plus it reflects in how I dress and act when we go out.
  • firefly171717
    firefly171717 Posts: 226 Member
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    I think the biggest thing is getting into better shape, that is what has improved many aspects of our relationship and its fun that we can work out togeather.
  • KyleB65
    KyleB65 Posts: 1,196 Member
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    Oh boy I so want to respond to this in detail but...suffice it to say that my weight loss didn't change much in any room of the house. :(

    Sadly I am in the same boat.

    Although I embarked on my journey for my own well being. There was in the back of my mind the thought that if I was slimmer and healthier there would be more bedroom antics. However, this has not yet materialized.

    Can't complain though. My wife is so awesome in every other area. I am lucky to have her!
  • pattynava
    pattynava Posts: 331
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    My boyfriend is very good looking and he has always has gorgeous girlfriends in the past. He is the perfect body weight and so are all his brothers, sisters and friends. I feel so disgusting around him and I know he thinks Im fat and should lose weight. He is very weight conscious of himself and freaks if he puts on 1 kg! He's never rude but he does subtly mention my weight and need to lose it. For example he suggests I rather eat salad than a chicken pie for lunch cause its a lot less fattening. He never calls me beautiful. Sometime says, "you look nice" or "you look pretty" and by that he is referring to the fact that i put make up on or did my hair. He always wants the lights off when we have sex and he doesn't really like me being on top! He doesn't say why but I must look so huge and disgusting from that angle!! :(

    ^^^ Just MHO, but I don't think you're where you deserve to be.

    As for me and my SO, we are getting in shape together. All I'll say.......it's quite evident we are feeling better about ourselves. :devil:

    What do you mean by that?
    The title is "Weightloss and Your Significant Other"
    That is what my post was referring to.

    I think what he meant was....YOU deserve better than a boyfriend that MAKES you feel unattractive...There are men out there that would appreciate you for who you are, at any size =)
  • NakedLunchTime
    NakedLunchTime Posts: 559
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    Just curious but like do people really expect your significant other to be like yeah I don't like you overweight you disgust me sometimes when I look at you and when we have sex I think of some really hot chick? I don't think so just always wondered that when guys or girls say that there significant other likes them any size (don't take it personal its not about you)

    Ya, actually there are some mean people out there that would say this to their S.O. unfortunetly
  • mydogdakota
    mydogdakota Posts: 8
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    @lisajuliette I think what she's trying to say is it doesn't sound like your boyfriend treats you very nice and you deserve more than that.

    I love him, he treats me well but no one can blame him for not thinking Im sexy. If i was him I wouldn't be having sex with me in the first place. I gained 4kgs this last month and he said nothing. He does love me they way I am but I wanna be smoking hot for him! Im sick of people looking at him like he's cooked in the head for dating a fat girl. I asked him to be honest with me about it and he says he loves me the way I am and I must do what makes me happy. So I asked him to be completely honest, would he find me more attractive if I lost the weight and he said yes.

    No offense, but I think part of the issue lies with you. If you don't think you're sexy, he's not going to either. There is more to this life than being "smoking hot" on the outside. How people treat you (even sexually) begins between your ears. That being said, of course your exterior is a reflection of your interior world and if you're not happy with your exterior, you should do something about it. Don't do it for him. Do it for you.
  • starshine420
    starshine420 Posts: 95
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    My boyfriend loves me no matter what. But he knows I want to do this for me and he's supportive. When we go out, he's patient if I take a little more time picking what I want to eat so I can pick something low cal. He gets off his games so I can do my workout "games" (wii fit, just dance, zumba) and when I finish and feel accomplished, he's always there with a hug to tell me he's proud of me for doing it. He'll suggest we go for walks, even just around the mall, just to get us both up and moving. some of the games we have we play together. We have a ton that aren't button pushing but are get up and move games. And we'll clear some space and play them together and have a great time with it. As for the bedroom, things are as great as ever. I think because I've been more confident with myself, things have gotten a little better because I'm not being as shy with it, not hiding myself as much.
  • AmberLee2012
    AmberLee2012 Posts: 540
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    My boyfriend is very good looking and he has always has gorgeous girlfriends in the past. He is the perfect body weight and so are all his brothers, sisters and friends. I feel so disgusting around him and I know he thinks Im fat and should lose weight. He is very weight conscious of himself and freaks if he puts on 1 kg! He's never rude but he does subtly mention my weight and need to lose it. For example he suggests I rather eat salad than a chicken pie for lunch cause its a lot less fattening. He never calls me beautiful. Sometime says, "you look nice" or "you look pretty" and by that he is referring to the fact that i put make up on or did my hair. He always wants the lights off when we have sex and he doesn't really like me being on top! He doesn't say why but I must look so huge and disgusting from that angle!! :(

    Wow, I don’t even know what to say here. Your boyfriend sounds like he puts you down to make himself feel better. Comparing yourself to his ex-girlfriends won’t do you any good, either. You are you! You have to learn to love the body that you were given. You can work out and eat well to make your body healthier, but I’m not sure that your weight-obsessive boyfriend is going to help you in your journey. You are striving to reach his image of an ideal mate, instead of focusing on you and what’s healthy and doable. I used to think for a long time that if I only lost the weight, that I would have the perfect life and everything would be rosier, my relationships would be better, etc., but that’s not really true. You have to find that happiness on the inside, and I’m not sure you will be able to do that with this guy in your life. I was in a relationship like this once, and it took me a long time to get out of it, but I found a man (who is my husband now) that treats me like a queen no matter what size I am. Good luck to you on your journey!
  • vytamindi
    vytamindi Posts: 845 Member
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    My fiance is a stick and I've always been a blob. However, he's been really supportive of my weightloss, and I probably couldn't do it without him, even if I am doing it for me. He's been a great cheerleader :D
    I'm sorry, but I cannot take anything you say serious. You are the same person who used porn as an example to justify someone not finding their partner attractive. You talk about honesty and use porn which is so incredibly fake it's laughable. It's just too ironic for me. I don't have a problem that you and your wife don't like fat people. It is what it is. But I just really cannot take you serious.

    *scratches head* How does that add to anything in this thread at all? If you can't take him seriously, ignore his posts or block him. People like fantasy so who are you to judge him on that? :)
  • NakedLunchTime
    NakedLunchTime Posts: 559
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    If you knew in your heart that you were loved unconditionally, you would not feel disgusting around him. I've always told my SO she was beautiful even when she gained 40 pounds after we got together. It wasn't just to be nice, but the fact that she's beautiful to me no matter what. No need to have the lights off, etc. To me it just seems that he can be a little more supportive. Like I said.....just my opinion based on what you wrote. I'm obviously not all knowing in regards to your relationship......


    I disagree completely. My husband has always told me he loves me no matter what I weigh and I know he does love me unconditionally.

    I used to weigh 240, am down to 193 and still have a ways to go. Weighing that much made me feel gross and feel like the fat lady at the circus that some how was married to the tall, thin good looking guy. I caught people giving us the "wow, I cannot believe they are a couple look" and yes all that made me feel disgusting around him.

    Just because *I* felt that way does not mean that my husband does not love me. To tell someone that their SO does not love them unconditionally because they themselves feel a certain way about their appearance is just incorrect in my book.

    To play devils advocate, her bf only wants to have sex with the lights off. That is definetly not unconditional love ( in her case) I don;t know your relationship details like she has provided.
  • nottegatto
    nottegatto Posts: 7 Member
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    Just curious but like do people really expect your significant other to be like yeah I don't like you overweight you disgust me sometimes when I look at you and when we have sex I think of some really hot chick? I don't think so just always wondered that when guys or girls say that there significant other likes them any size (don't take it personal its not about you)

    Thanks for your post. It had me think back to my personal experiences and a situation with my best friend.

    I have to say that being honest and up front is best. If there is a particular feature ( i.e. love handles, large belly, double chin, etc.) that comes from being overweight-it's just a plain fact. So when you ask your partner "do i look fat in this?" or "is there any part of me you don't like?" ( now these questions are questions people do ask) be prepared for the real answer and WANT it.

    Being in a relationship isn't just about you and what you are attracted to. It is also about your partner and what they find appealing. Be prepared to hear things that you don't want to and make choices that can be hard. So if your partner says " i love you BUT I'm not attracted to ... your belly or love handles." whatever it maybe, I say be prepared to either accept the answer, change it for the sake of relationship, or keep it/change it for you. We have options and staying in a relationship is also an option. How I see it, the bottom line is while the "relationship" is more about teamwork, our individual life and the choices we make about ourselves should be 100% us. We want to lose weight, why? Let's hope it is because we want to change how we feel about ourselves, our health, our body image, etc. Now is the time that we should say "me, me, me, and I , I , I" It should be about us first then the secondary reasons can apply, i.e the relationship. And after all is said and done. If the relationship doesn't work, the sex is lousy or less, and everyone is just plain unhappy. Then it just isn't meant to work and that's ok.

    When the question was raised concerning the added weight and sex. A blogger made a statement that if the sex is less because your partner liked the extra "flesh" . It should really be about your health, bottom line! That is why I firmly believe we have too many options to feel stuck. ( they aren't easy options but they are still out there).
  • farfalledibaciodinotte
    farfalledibaciodinotte Posts: 181 Member
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    lmao. you'd think that getting in shape and toned and stuff would make things more interesting in the bedroom, but once I started working out a crap ton, my Ex and I actually rarely did anything anymore lol
  • MysticMaiden22
    MysticMaiden22 Posts: 325 Member
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    You are absoutely right! I was very shocked to read the post from the man who would boot his wife out of his life if she gained weight. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and TILL DEATH DO YOU PART!!!

    You might want to read his other posts, not only in this thread but in many others, before passing judgement and getting on your all caps pedestal . These would be the posts where he talks about when he was fat and his wife telling him she didn't want to have sex with him anymore because of his weight.

    Well, maybe he should consider that not everyone is going to analyze his posts in other threads and anything else he might say may be insulting to others. Just sayin'....
  • mydogdakota
    mydogdakota Posts: 8
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    As for my own relationship, he is still attracted to me; I am the one who is struggling. When I get to a certain point on the weight scale, I just FEEL uncomfortable and it makes me not want to do physical things in general. I have some medical conditions that get a bit worse when I put on weight and so there's pain involved that also distracts me from doing anything physical. My husband is still attracted to me, which is a great thing after 18 years together. It's just that I don't feel well so it takes a lot more effort for me to do physical things. It's not his fault, it's not my fault, it just is and we deal with it.
  • jsuzannes
    jsuzannes Posts: 1
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    I've never been overweight, but the guys I've dated have definitely had a preference. As in, they noticed and were pleased when I went from 140 to 135. We also had conversations about how he wouldn't date someone that was more than a few pounds overweight. I'm not sure how to feel about it. He says it's because of the health implications and with his personality I believe it. However, I'm not sure if I got married, I'd want my husband to get me a trainer as a Christmas present.
  • nottegatto
    nottegatto Posts: 7 Member
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    Just curious but like do people really expect your significant other to be like yeah I don't like you overweight you disgust me sometimes when I look at you and when we have sex I think of some really hot chick? I don't think so just always wondered that when guys or girls say that there significant other likes them any size (don't take it personal its not about you)

    Ya, actually there are some mean people out there that would say this to their S.O. unfortunetly

    I think it is all HOW you say things. Yes people can be mean but in this case, do you really want your S.O. to hide how they feel. I see it from this perspective. Why are you really in the relationship? People sometimes just need to self reflect. If your S.O. says they find your repulsive...then well-let's rethink the relationship all together. If your S.O. says " i love you for many different reasons but i'm finding myself less attracted to your belly fat" or " I love you but i'm not attracted to feeling your rib cage-I think you may have lost too much weight" ( both extreme, I know)

    At the end of the day, wouldn't you really want to what to know what your S.O. is feeling? I personally want to have the availability to say what I am not attracted to and not feel that I am a horrible person for it. Yes, I say watch how you say things, which will come naturally if you really care for the person but we should also care about what we need and want from a relationship. You can love someone and then become un-attracted to them OR love someone very much then just fall out of love with them. Doesn't make you a mean person, just makes you human.
  • chell53
    chell53 Posts: 356 Member
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    My boyfriend is very good looking and he has always has gorgeous girlfriends in the past. He is the perfect body weight and so are all his brothers, sisters and friends. I feel so disgusting around him and I know he thinks Im fat and should lose weight. He is very weight conscious of himself and freaks if he puts on 1 kg! He's never rude but he does subtly mention my weight and need to lose it. For example he suggests I rather eat salad than a chicken pie for lunch cause its a lot less fattening. He never calls me beautiful. Sometime says, "you look nice" or "you look pretty" and by that he is referring to the fact that i put make up on or did my hair. He always wants the lights off when we have sex and he doesn't really like me being on top! He doesn't say why but I must look so huge and disgusting from that angle!! :(

    Honey please don't put a sad face up.....if that is your picture then I don't know what your BF looks like or what he is looking at when he sees you because what I see in that pic is a nice body.....be proud of that. Do not let ANYONE put your self esteam down it is not worth it........

    As for my SO he doesn't say anything one way or the other......we have been with each other for 38yrs., what I have found out is when I lose the weight if he says Honey you are looking good!!!! then I stop my workouts and go back to the way I was....lol, so if I feel good and my clothes fit different then I am happy and that is the bottom.....like my SO says if his Queen is happy then he is happy.

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