Parenting without Yelling

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  • ElementalMoe
    ElementalMoe Posts: 186 Member
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    Yelling, is okay in moderation, and long as you don't lose your mind. However, if you're like me and occasionally lose your mind, it will work to your benefit when the kid gets older. My daughter is 5 and I just have to say "Do you want me to get mad?" and that usually gets her to do what I need her to do.

    Otherwise, I found time outs highly effective, as long as you let the kid know that they HAVE to be in the time out. None of this getting up and leaving nonsense. We would place my daughter on a chair as a child (3 or so) and make her sit there for a few minutes. If she got off the chair, we'd put her back on. She learned that time outs were non-negotiable because we'd always just return her to the chair.

    That, and flat out communication is great, too (Especially for older kids). My mom wasn't much of a yeller when I was a teen, but would sit us down and discuss things logically, which was often worse than being yelled at. I can do that now with my daughter, to a point - She gets what I'm saying, for sure.
  • BrendaLee
    BrendaLee Posts: 4,463 Member
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    I think the key is to instill at an early age that there are consequences for not doing what Mommy asks. If you ask calmly that she pick up her toys and she doesn't, there should be a reasonable punishment for that. It's easier to yell, but it really shouldn't have to come to that.
  • stephanielindley422
    stephanielindley422 Posts: 273
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    I once heard somewhere that if you tell a kid why doing something is wrong, they'll get it more. "We shouldn't play in the street, because you could get hurt by getting hit by a car, so let's come over here in the driveway, so you can stay safe and whole. You can bring your skates." or whatever.

    I do this
  • stephanielindley422
    stephanielindley422 Posts: 273
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    I think the key is to instill at an early age that there are consequences for not doing what Mommy asks. If you ask calmly that she pick up her toys and she doesn't, there should be a reasonable punishment for that. It's easier to yell, but it really shouldn't have to come to that.

    We took bubble guppies and dora the explorer away today. It seems to have helped just not having the dang TV on
  • firefly101
    firefly101 Posts: 23
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    take away her toys if she can't put them away... or give her 1 and if she is good with 1, give her 2. My Mom is the nicest person you could ever meet, but she would do all sorts of stuff to us (4 kids) to keep us in line... get creative and have some fun with it.
  • teamlangston
    teamlangston Posts: 25 Member
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    So here's my confession of feeling like a CRAP parent. I have taken to yelling SHUT UP. Of course this is proceeded by "Hush" "Be Quiet' "Enough" and then the SHUT UP comes out. Unfortunately lately it seems that my ids won't respond until the SHUT UP comes out. and then I spend the rest of the night/day feeling terrible. I've tried talking to them and explaining that they need to hush when I say it the first time, and that I don't like yelling SHUT UP, they seem to get it for a bit, but hen it magically fades away the next time they are really rambunctious..... *SIGH*
  • southofmadness
    southofmadness Posts: 316 Member
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    I think you’re setting the bar too high …I yelled at my 3 sometimes ..…many times. I think it kept me from asphyxiating them. ( well….that and the tax breaks, fear of being put in a nursing home when im older, love..ect) They are older now ( 17,16,and 10 )but when they were younger.....I was happy if I didn’t drop the F - bomb . They turned out ok…………..so far.

    Give yourself a break
  • stephanielindley422
    stephanielindley422 Posts: 273
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    take away her toys if she can't put them away... or give her 1 and if she is good with 1, give her 2. My Mom is the nicest person you could ever meet, but she would do all sorts of stuff to us (4 kids) to keep us in line... get creative and have some fun with it.

    That is brilliant. All the dang Christmas toys are STILL in my living room because my husband is set that she is going to pick them up herself, wich she should do. She is plenty old enough and smart enough to get her own stuff picked up. Trying this tomorrow.
  • Jeff92se
    Jeff92se Posts: 3,369 Member
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    I think the key is to instill at an early age that there are consequences for not doing what Mommy asks. If you ask calmly that she pick up her toys and she doesn't, there should be a reasonable punishment for that. It's easier to yell, but it really shouldn't have to come to that.

    Exactly what I was going to say. If you just yell at your kids, then the kids won't associate it with anything but you just speaking loudly. If you assign a consequence for not obeying AND FOLLOW THOUGH with it(very, very important), then you won't even have to raise your voice. But if you threaten a punishment and never follow though, then they will learn quickly that you're not serious.
  • takehimaway
    takehimaway Posts: 499 Member
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    I once heard somewhere that if you tell a kid why doing something is wrong, they'll get it more. "We shouldn't play in the street, because you could get hurt by getting hit by a car, so let's come over here in the driveway, so you can stay safe and whole. You can bring your skates." or whatever.

    I do this

    Good, I'm glad.
  • Smarternow
    Smarternow Posts: 26
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    And advice on how to do this? I feel like lately all I do is yell at my girl...she's almost 3....and it's not getting me anywhere except crying myself to sleep because I feel like a terrible mommy. LOL

    I'm working on this one too!!
    Often it is your frame of mind when something happens to how you might deal with it. My husband hates when I yell, so I'm trying to get my point across in a firm tone, rather than yelling, and that seems to work..
    I've often heard that the best teachers out there are the softly spoken ones in schools, as the kids have to be quiet and listen to learn.
  • stephanielindley422
    stephanielindley422 Posts: 273
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    And advice on how to do this? I feel like lately all I do is yell at my girl...she's almost 3....and it's not getting me anywhere except crying myself to sleep because I feel like a terrible mommy. LOL

    I'm working on this one too!!
    Often it is your frame of mind when something happens to how you might deal with it. My husband hates when I yell, so I'm trying to get my point across in a firm tone, rather than yelling, and that seems to work..
    I've often heard that the best teachers out there are the softly spoken ones in schools, as the kids have to be quiet and listen to learn.


    See the problem is I have no "firm tone", no "mean voice"....I've been told this several times by several different peoples...I'm either just talking or yelling. LOL
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,646 Member
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    And advice on how to do this? I feel like lately all I do is yell at my girl...she's almost 3....and it's not getting me anywhere except crying myself to sleep because I feel like a terrible mommy. LOL
    You're yelling out of frustration. She's 3 and doesn't understand a whole lot, but keep a routine consistent and be consistent with your actions. If you say no to sweets for example, don't cave in a few minutes later and give in. A child figures this out quite quickly.
    Also what are you yelling at her about? Messing things up? Being too loud? Just have to understand as a parent that this is NORMAL behavior for a child and not an adult, so don't expect them to act like an adult.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • greg331
    greg331 Posts: 38
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    I typically follow this advice: When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,646 Member
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    and now i feel immediately bad. No - I don't yell all the time, but it happens. I'm human. You'll get through it. If you feel yourself going off, walk away from the situation and take a break. Your daughter will forgive you!

    I jsut feel like I'm yelling all the time...LOL...maybe I'm not..but it sure feels that way
    Video tape yourself. I was appalled at how I spoke to my daughter when I heard it played back. Even more appalled when I heard myself speak to my wife.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • supertracylynn
    supertracylynn Posts: 1,338 Member
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    There is a book called "Scream-Free Parenting". I've never read it, but my kids are great, so when I do yell (or "fluctuat" my voice) it is really effective.
  • gunmetalsunrise
    gunmetalsunrise Posts: 131
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    parenting without yelling == parenting without kids.

    You can raise kids without yelling at them to do things, or when they **** up, or when you're mad, etc. Everyone slips up, I know that. I made my parents frustrated as hell because I like being difficult. But when you're yelling at them more often than not, they learn to fear and often resent you. I can't count the amount of people my age (19-21) who have very bad relationships with their parents because they were verbally and emotionally abusive towards them.

    Unless the kid got someone seriously harmed or cost you a lot of money, nothing really good comes from yelling at them.
  • taramaureen
    taramaureen Posts: 569 Member
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    OR

    Parenting without yelling == parents who let their kids run nilly willy in public and pretend "what? MY little bethany isn't doing ANYTHING wrong!"

    I don't yell at my kids and they don't act crazy in public most of the time. The trick is not to allow them to escalate your feelings. Perhaps it's because I work with children and know that I cannot let them get to me, but I don't yell at my kids out of frustration. There's no point, it makes us both feel like crap if I do.

    OP: Are you having trouble with just certain behaviors (like getting her to clean up her toys) or just in general? We do a LOT of positive reinforcement which helps my 4 year old. What's helped a lot is a star chart. He understand he gets good behavior points represented as stars on a visible chart in our kitchen. The more stars he gets, the bigger the rewards. After one week of good behavior he can get a new toy, go to see a movie, go to Chuck E Cheeses, etc. I just remind him that he's not earning his stars when he acts crazy. I have also done the whole "you don't pick up your toys they're going bye bye" routine. It's amazing how quick kids will move when you bring out a large trash bag. I've only had to do it once to make a lasting impression. I also make it fun, we pick them up together and sing. I try to explain things to him in ways he'll understand. Routine helps as well. It gets them to understand what to expect and they know they're not the ones in control.
  • stephanielindley422
    stephanielindley422 Posts: 273
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    OR

    Parenting without yelling == parents who let their kids run nilly willy in public and pretend "what? MY little bethany isn't doing ANYTHING wrong!"

    I don't yell at my kids and they don't act crazy in public most of the time. The trick is not to allow them to escalate your feelings. Perhaps it's because I work with children and know that I cannot let them get to me, but I don't yell at my kids out of frustration. There's no point, it makes us both feel like crap if I do.

    OP: Are you having trouble with just certain behaviors (like getting her to clean up her toys) or just in general? We do a LOT of positive reinforcement which helps my 4 year old. What's helped a lot is a star chart. He understand he gets good behavior points represented as stars on a visible chart in our kitchen. The more stars he gets, the bigger the rewards. After one week of good behavior he can get a new toy, go to see a movie, go to Chuck E Cheeses, etc. I just remind him that he's not earning his stars when he acts crazy. I have also done the whole "you don't pick up your toys they're going bye bye" routine. It's amazing how quick kids will move when you bring out a large trash bag. I've only had to do it once to make a lasting impression. I also make it fun, we pick them up together and sing. I try to explain things to him in ways he'll understand. Routine helps as well. It gets them to understand what to expect and they know they're not the ones in control.


    It's really just one or two meanless things I loose my cool over. She really is a great kid 99% of the time...she's got great manners and knows how to behave in public.....IDK....my husband and I were talking about it and we both just feel like we are yelling TOO much...but I am the worst. Get it from my momma. LOL>
  • Pebbles536
    Pebbles536 Posts: 199
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    Step 1: BREATHE

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