Parenting without Yelling
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And advice on how to do this? I feel like lately all I do is yell at my girl...she's almost 3....and it's not getting me anywhere except crying myself to sleep because I feel like a terrible mommy. LOL
I'm working on this one too!!
Often it is your frame of mind when something happens to how you might deal with it. My husband hates when I yell, so I'm trying to get my point across in a firm tone, rather than yelling, and that seems to work..
I've often heard that the best teachers out there are the softly spoken ones in schools, as the kids have to be quiet and listen to learn.0 -
And advice on how to do this? I feel like lately all I do is yell at my girl...she's almost 3....and it's not getting me anywhere except crying myself to sleep because I feel like a terrible mommy. LOL
I'm working on this one too!!
Often it is your frame of mind when something happens to how you might deal with it. My husband hates when I yell, so I'm trying to get my point across in a firm tone, rather than yelling, and that seems to work..
I've often heard that the best teachers out there are the softly spoken ones in schools, as the kids have to be quiet and listen to learn.
See the problem is I have no "firm tone", no "mean voice"....I've been told this several times by several different peoples...I'm either just talking or yelling. LOL0 -
You're yelling out of frustration. She's 3 and doesn't understand a whole lot, but keep a routine consistent and be consistent with your actions. If you say no to sweets for example, don't cave in a few minutes later and give in. A child figures this out quite quickly.And advice on how to do this? I feel like lately all I do is yell at my girl...she's almost 3....and it's not getting me anywhere except crying myself to sleep because I feel like a terrible mommy. LOL
Also what are you yelling at her about? Messing things up? Being too loud? Just have to understand as a parent that this is NORMAL behavior for a child and not an adult, so don't expect them to act like an adult.
A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
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Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
I typically follow this advice: When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.0
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Video tape yourself. I was appalled at how I spoke to my daughter when I heard it played back. Even more appalled when I heard myself speak to my wife.and now i feel immediately bad. No - I don't yell all the time, but it happens. I'm human. You'll get through it. If you feel yourself going off, walk away from the situation and take a break. Your daughter will forgive you!
I jsut feel like I'm yelling all the time...LOL...maybe I'm not..but it sure feels that way
A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
There is a book called "Scream-Free Parenting". I've never read it, but my kids are great, so when I do yell (or "fluctuat" my voice) it is really effective.0
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parenting without yelling == parenting without kids.
You can raise kids without yelling at them to do things, or when they **** up, or when you're mad, etc. Everyone slips up, I know that. I made my parents frustrated as hell because I like being difficult. But when you're yelling at them more often than not, they learn to fear and often resent you. I can't count the amount of people my age (19-21) who have very bad relationships with their parents because they were verbally and emotionally abusive towards them.
Unless the kid got someone seriously harmed or cost you a lot of money, nothing really good comes from yelling at them.0 -
OR
Parenting without yelling == parents who let their kids run nilly willy in public and pretend "what? MY little bethany isn't doing ANYTHING wrong!"
I don't yell at my kids and they don't act crazy in public most of the time. The trick is not to allow them to escalate your feelings. Perhaps it's because I work with children and know that I cannot let them get to me, but I don't yell at my kids out of frustration. There's no point, it makes us both feel like crap if I do.
OP: Are you having trouble with just certain behaviors (like getting her to clean up her toys) or just in general? We do a LOT of positive reinforcement which helps my 4 year old. What's helped a lot is a star chart. He understand he gets good behavior points represented as stars on a visible chart in our kitchen. The more stars he gets, the bigger the rewards. After one week of good behavior he can get a new toy, go to see a movie, go to Chuck E Cheeses, etc. I just remind him that he's not earning his stars when he acts crazy. I have also done the whole "you don't pick up your toys they're going bye bye" routine. It's amazing how quick kids will move when you bring out a large trash bag. I've only had to do it once to make a lasting impression. I also make it fun, we pick them up together and sing. I try to explain things to him in ways he'll understand. Routine helps as well. It gets them to understand what to expect and they know they're not the ones in control.0 -
OR
Parenting without yelling == parents who let their kids run nilly willy in public and pretend "what? MY little bethany isn't doing ANYTHING wrong!"
I don't yell at my kids and they don't act crazy in public most of the time. The trick is not to allow them to escalate your feelings. Perhaps it's because I work with children and know that I cannot let them get to me, but I don't yell at my kids out of frustration. There's no point, it makes us both feel like crap if I do.
OP: Are you having trouble with just certain behaviors (like getting her to clean up her toys) or just in general? We do a LOT of positive reinforcement which helps my 4 year old. What's helped a lot is a star chart. He understand he gets good behavior points represented as stars on a visible chart in our kitchen. The more stars he gets, the bigger the rewards. After one week of good behavior he can get a new toy, go to see a movie, go to Chuck E Cheeses, etc. I just remind him that he's not earning his stars when he acts crazy. I have also done the whole "you don't pick up your toys they're going bye bye" routine. It's amazing how quick kids will move when you bring out a large trash bag. I've only had to do it once to make a lasting impression. I also make it fun, we pick them up together and sing. I try to explain things to him in ways he'll understand. Routine helps as well. It gets them to understand what to expect and they know they're not the ones in control.
It's really just one or two meanless things I loose my cool over. She really is a great kid 99% of the time...she's got great manners and knows how to behave in public.....IDK....my husband and I were talking about it and we both just feel like we are yelling TOO much...but I am the worst. Get it from my momma. LOL>0 -
Step 1: BREATHE0
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It's really just one or two meanless things I loose my cool over. She really is a great kid 99% of the time...she's got great manners and knows how to behave in public.....IDK....my husband and I were talking about it and we both just feel like we are yelling TOO much...but I am the worst. Get it from my momma. LOL>
haha, I understand. My mom was/ is a yeller. She yelled about EVERYTHING. What could help to see just how much you guys are yelling is put some marbles in a pocket then every time you yell, transfer the marbles into the other pocket then log that number a the end of the day. After a week you can get an idea of how much you are actually yelling and identify "trigger" points. It's easier to come up with an alternative plan if you know how much you're doing it and what it's over.0 -
OK folks - personal AND professional advice here (I am an MSW with experience in child welfare AND two grown sons who turned out great): Get thyselves to www.loveandlogic.com ! This will revolutionize your parenting, as it did mine, give you the tools you need to get out of the yelling, the power struggles, and still raise responsible, decent humans that everyone enjoys being around! Across the country (US) you can find Parenting with Love and Logic classes you can take to help you learn and get started. You can sign up online for a monthly free enewsletter too.
(unsolicited recommendation with no compensation for recommendation)0 -
A great book is How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. This is a great book and really helped our family out. Good luck.0
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I was awful for it, if my 9 year old son wouldnt get out of bed i would shout, if he wouldnt bath id shout, and so on! really cranky, only problem is it deosnt work and it makes everyone feel bad. As a parent you take the higher ground, stay calm, even if you have to walk out the room and com eback again, few deep breaths and be rational. I have learnt that having things (favourite toys, pc, tv, etc) to take away and have them earn back is a much more effective way of dealing with bad behaviour. My son, who is almost as tall as me, gets angry if i do, if i shout, he does, if i try and pull his arm to move him, he gets agressive, it had to stop! i found this solution is prefect. Its a physical reminder of your power without volume! stick at it, it makes for a more peacful house
xx 0 -
I know that yelling happens. I'm not going to calmly say "Now, darling, we really shouldn't play in the street"....but there's got to be a better way to get her to pick up her toys LOL
^^^^ Why the hell are you letting a 3 year old near the street without your constant supervision?
Seriously? Stop yelling! Control yourself, you are an adult aren't you? You are expecting your child to behave when you can't yourself?0 -
I know that yelling happens. I'm not going to calmly say "Now, darling, we really shouldn't play in the street"....but there's got to be a better way to get her to pick up her toys LOL
^^^^ Why the hell are you letting a 3 year old near the street without your constant supervision?
Seriously? Stop yelling! Control yourself, you are an adult aren't you? You are expecting your child to behave when you can't yourself?
Maybe that was an example! seriously, do you have kids? im guessing no. Children test your patience and can be extremely hard to deal with sometimes. she asked for advice not abuse! how about you grow up0 -
My parents did it for me and my sister, and we weren't the willy nilly running everywhere brats that someone mentioned earlier. Teaching consequence for actions/lack of appropriate action is a good way. 3 is old enough to give easy tasks for the child. Simple things like putting up something before getting something out. Also, keep in mind they will model your behavior. If you don't pick things up and put them away when you're finished with them, your child won't and wonder why he/she has (probably won't ask, but wonder in their developing brain) to and be more likely to act out when made to do so.
JM0 -
I know that yelling happens. I'm not going to calmly say "Now, darling, we really shouldn't play in the street"....but there's got to be a better way to get her to pick up her toys LOL
^^^^ Why the hell are you letting a 3 year old near the street without your constant supervision?
Seriously? Stop yelling! Control yourself, you are an adult aren't you? You are expecting your child to behave when you can't yourself?
Maybe that was an example! seriously, do you have kids? im guessing no. Children test your patience and can be extremely hard to deal with sometimes. she asked for advice not abuse! how about you grow up
Yes, I have 4 kids. And if that was an example it was a fkn stupid *kitten* example.
It takes an awful lot for me to even consider raising my voice to my children. I can't even imagine what a 3 year old is doing to make her yell at her ALL the time.
What the OP needs is common sense.
If you think my comment was abusive, too bad, I'm not going to act like yelling at your child all the time is acceptable, because it's not.0 -
Well if you can handle your kids without shouting then fair play to you. I have rasied my voice to my son, its not in any way a great way of dealing with kids but sometimes you lose your cool. She asked for help, clearly because its not how she wants to behave and your reply was just nasty and in no way advice0
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There is a great book called Scream Free Parenting. I highly recommend it.0
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watch supper nanny ! she is very good , wish she had been around when mine were little.!
oh and enjoy your child/children when they grow up way to fast mine are now 22,20,and 18 !!0 -
I get this! I've gotten a lot better since I started yoga. I still get driven crazy (it's practically a permanent state; I have a 2 yo and a 4yo) but I find it much easier to maintain my cool. Also, getting enough sleep makes a huge difference. And when I'm REALLY at my wits' end, I think about this story: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/12/15/081215fa_fact_rosenblatt
It reminds me that I am actually very, very lucky. Even though my kids are animals. 0 -
Give them one good beating they'll never forget, and they will forever fear another.
(surely, I jest)0 -
I am a single mother of 3 girls, 10, 7 and 19 months, I try so hard not to yell, but it does happen, i try to sit there and ask them why, or how come you did this , or why don't you listen it works for all of 2 min then they are back to doing what we just talked about. It get frusterating, but I am certain they feed on how angry you get with out even noticing they are doing it. I have to take a way TV or snack for the night, or my new thing is making them do their chours but not getting their allowance for that night. It works sometimes.0
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I think you’re setting the bar too high …I yelled at my 3 sometimes ..…many times. I think it kept me from asphyxiating them. ( well….that and the tax breaks, fear of being put in a nursing home when im older, love..ect) They are older now ( 17,16,and 10 )but when they were younger.....I was happy if I didn’t drop the F - bomb . They turned out ok…………..so far.
Give yourself a break
^^ I agree - I have 2 boys 8/10 and the ages between 3 and 5 SUCKED - its not the terrible twos - its the years after that - and I did my fair share of yelling and would always beat myself up after words, I think so much of it is dependent on the kid - My oldest is an old soul and talking calmly to him worked the best - the younger one is hell on wheels and the ONLY way he would listen was when my voice was raised - so i think it has to be what worked - oh and I spanked my kids some :bigsmile: if I thought they needed - same way I was as a kid and I turned out fine...I think0 -
Its hard I feel like I yell at my daughter a lot right now too. Shes 2 and me her and my husband/her dad are living with my mom in a home that isn't baby proofed in the slightest. She used to have the run of our house before we moved (states, which is why we are staying with mom) because we had completely baby proofed it and knew she couldn't get into anything and all she does here is get into stuff because there is nothing stopping her (Locks, gates, ect). The first month was the worst we both yelled and yelled and yelled at her to get out of stuff and she'd just smirk and do it anyway. We've gotten better about it and we are about to move into our own place so hopefully its not so stressful as to set us off yelling all the time but we've still taken to counting down to three and when we reach three and she hasn't stopped she gets a spanking so 8/10 times she will stop at 2 because she doesn't want that and if she starts up again its 3 and a spanking for her. It works well for us but I know some people are opposed to spanking so I wish you luck in trying to find a method that works for you!
I meant to say also that I found having a set routine here went a long way with her. She used to always stay up with us till like 12a (we are such night owls) and then she started daycare and began going to bed at like 9/10p. I don't know if it was because she was more rested or if it was that we got to have time to our self and relax but whatever it was it worked.0 -
my 5 year old IS the yeller lol she will get mad tht she cant have something and completely flip off her rocker! i send her to the corner and usually have to yell over her to get her to hear to go there. im an extremely calm person and yelling just happens sometimes. its life.0
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3 year olds are very trying - I have a 3 yo boy and a 5 yo boy as well. I want to rip my hair out most days! What I find with my 3 yo is bribery works best! If I need him to clean up his toys, I set a timer (give more than enough time that I could do it myself 3 times!) and tell him if you get your toys cleaned up in 10 minutes, then we will play this game/watch this show/read this book/whatever works for that time. For meals, I do everything I can to keep meals from being a fight. I put very little on his plate - only about 3-4 bites of the different things we are having. He has to try everything. If he is not wanting to eat, I give him a set amount of bites he needs to take and make him count it out (practicing math skills here too!) and if he doesn't clean his plate, snack at bed is only a choice to finish his dinner, fruit or veggies. If he finishes, the options open up (popcorn, cheese and crackers, yogurt, etc.) It also seems to work better to physically guide him to changes in activities. Good Luck!0
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I LOVE this! My son will be 2 next month. And to make matters worse than an active toddler, we got him a kitten that makes it even worse. The cat jumps on the table... my son is following him and jumping up on the table (uses chairs, toys, anything he can find and move). The cat jumps over the baby gate... guess who figured out how to get over the baby gate.
I am slowly losing my mind! My husband works nights, so during the week it's me and the booger 24 hrs a day.
I'm glad I'm not the only who loses it and yells. :-)0 -
i didn't read all of the posts, so i don't know if this was said or not -- but "1, 2, 3 Magic" is a really good resource for parents. i'm a big fan of countdowns and timers in general ... kids, especially little ones, need a little time to be able to shift gears and transition.
another thing that i do a lot at work (i work with extremely challenging kids...i've already been punched in the face and it's 9:17 am) is planned ignoring. this is when you totally ignore an undesirable, annoying (but not unsafe) behavior and state what you want to happen "we can watch tv when you stop crying" or "when you pick your body off the ground, i will get you dinner." focus on what you want to happen, rather than on the behavior you want to stop. the less you react, the faster the situation will de-escalate. hope this helps!0
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