Parenting without Yelling
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Remember a time before everything was so damn politically correct and everyone had to have sensitivity training?
We're becoming way too soft of a nation...on a whole, America is raising a bunch of over sensitive, lazy, whiners. China recently became the number 2 power, they'll be number 1 before you know it. They're parenting is TOUGH but guess what, they're kids are better behaved and smarter. We're not setting high enough expectations for our kids regarding their behavior and education. (NOTE: This is ON A WHOLE...THIS DOES NOT MEAN ANY OF YOU SPECIFICALLY)
Usually I don't have to raise my voice to my daughter, she's pretty well behaved. HOWEVER, I was never a parent that did the nicey nice, "no no sweetie, don't touch that...don't do this" It was the voice of "satan" as I call it (deepening the voice, giving the eye) and getting right in her face. My daughter knows, Mommy will only ask ONCE for her to do something. I make sure she has heard me, I'm looking at her, I make her respond that she has heard me. If I have to ask more than once, I am raising my voice. I use her full name, and repeat what has mommy asked you to do? She responds...she knows. Then MOVE IT and get it done NOW...not later, not when you feel like it, NOW.
This is NOT a democracy, sorry bout ya luck. This is a dictatorship and I'm the Queen. If she gets in trouble, usually she's put in time out...the corner is quite effective. AFTERWARDS, I then tell her WHY she got in trouble and explain things.
One time she wiggled free from my grasp and ran for the road...did I yell? Bet your *kitten* I did. Did she get her butt smacked? Yup! Did I explain to her that I didn't want her getting hit by a car and dying? Yep...Same thing with trying to run off in the store. I was pretty honest. There are some sick people in this world that would snatch you up, do bad things to you and never give you back to mommy. Children do need to have a healthy fear of certain things.
Her dad has been Mr. Nicey Nice...she walks all over him. She doesn't with me. I am strict on certain things, but I also talk with her. I also tell her what a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent little girl she is and that she's not showing her best side when she acts naughty. She's better than that behavior and I know she is.recently i was getting some ice cream at a TCBY. in front of me on line was a woman with her kid, 7 years old or so. woman asked her what he wanted. he said some flavor, and she said "no, i just got you that, and you ate half of it and said you didn't like it and you threw it away."
as she's getting her another ice cream, he's climbing the counter. scaling it like he's muther friggen spider man. she goes to him and calls him by his ridiculously white upper east side name and goes "get down from there, before i count to three. one... two..." he doesn't come down. she picks him up, sets him on the floor, goes to one knee, and tells the kid "you're really upseting me. if you keep this up i'll make you wait outside while i get your ice cream."
so basically the kid has his mother wrapped around his finger. he eats half an ice cream because he knows his mother will get him another one. he misbehaves in a public place because he knows his mother won't do anything.
what. the. frik. my mother never would've gotten me another ice cream to start off with. second, i would've never climbed that counter because of the fear of getting a slap across the face (i was an eighties child. very socially acceptable to slap a misbehaving child in public). if i had climbed that counter, my mother would've pulled me down by me ear. and then dragged me out of the place by lifting me up by my arm pit, so i have to tip toe out following her.
i love my mom. my dad too. i'm a pretty regular person, so my parents yelling at me and hitting me once in a while didn't warp me or make me hate them. i even graduated college and i'm an engineer for the local power company.
We would have left...absolutely not. And I have said to my daughter in public, "if you think that behavior is acceptable b/c we're in public and you think you won't get in trouble, think again. I have no problem getting after you in front of all these people" ::she'll look around:: "Now, how about you show them what a well behaved little girl you are instead of acting like a little heathen"I too grew up in the 80s and I had the fear of god put into me by my parents. My mother was a thrower and would be so calm and than blow up and my father was a yeller.
The way I see parents parent these days make me a little woozy. I'm a single mom but when my daughter throws a fit in the middle of a store she doesnt get a treat or ice cream for that matter.
There is a huge draw back to the 2000's era of raising children.
My mom was the yeller, my dad was the volcano...never knew when he would blow LOL But ya'know what, my mom thought she was too hard on me, too strict on me and went easier on my brother. Yea, he's a lazy *kitten*, unappreciative, mooch0 -
I once heard somewhere that if you tell a kid why doing something is wrong, they'll get it more. "We shouldn't play in the street, because you could get hurt by getting hit by a car, so let's come over here in the driveway, so you can stay safe and whole. You can bring your skates." or whatever.
My three year old now quotes me all the time, "mama we can't walk in the middle of the road, or a car is going to squish us like a bug." Even if he sees a car parked on the side, two blocks away. At least he got the point! :-)0 -
My son is 3, and I know that yelling does absolutely nothing. But... sometimes it just happens. I have a bit of a temper so my voice tends to raise when i'm upset whether i'm trying to "yell" or not, and then I feel awful about it. My boy is constantly testing and pushing my buttons because he knows which ones to push. My husband (Mr. Mellow) gets so much better results from him because he is almost always calm and he doesn't let him see that he's angry. I am emotional, and have a really hard time not letting my anger (sadness, frustration, or whatever) come through. We still use timeouts, but they don't really seem to do much. Often we'll take things away or he'll lose tv privledges for the day. But, reallly, I think when dealing with young children patience is the key, don't let them get to you, and sometimes you have to let them have the last word or you'll never have quiet.0
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When my kids were very young (babies) I snapped my fingers a lot to get their attention when they were doing something wrong. I'm a very quiet person so I've only yelled a couple times in the 6 years I've been a mommy
When they hear the snap they know they better knock it off. I've been truly blessed, neither one of my kids have gone through tantrums. My son is challenging at times but we get through it All kids are different, you are not a terrible mommy for yelling at her. Just try getting down to her height and calmly talk about what's going on. If that doesn't work warn her about time out/spanking (whatever you do). Good luck!! 0 -
I used to feel I was following my little girl about spoiling her fun and making us both miserable. Say 'yes' whenever you can - it is hard being 2 and feeling so powerless - but when you say 'no', say it firmly and quietly and mean it absolutely. Actions are easier to remember than yelling! It was suggested to me that I give two choices to my daughter whenever possible but make them simple and to make sure that I was happy with both choices. (The old: ' shall we go home after a go on the swing or after a go on the roundabout ?') Mine was a very tiring toddler but she became a superbly easy teen. (I think we had gone through all possible disagreements by the time she was 4)0
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You have to yell sometimes. But over-doing it does suck. My mom had a great set of lungs, I'll tell you what. I wish she toned it down some because I can think of a lot of occasions where she really shouldn't have yelled at me. Like when she was stressed about something and took it out on me.0
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I tried to combat this....me and the hubbs took a Love & Logic Class. As the child of 2 yellers...I don't always get it right. But it DID get to stop and think about the things I'm doing and why. I still consider myself a platinum member of the crummy mom club but I am trying!!! Sometimes I just have to WALK AWAY...(mine is now 5). I try to talk to her much more, sometimes it helps. And then sometimes yelling is STILL the only way I can get her attention, depending.0
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One other thing - I had a grandmother who apparently yelled at her sons (my dad and uncle) a lot as kids. Both of those kids just got more and more problematic as they got older. I remember my grandmother telling me how one day she sat down with my uncle and asked him why he was so bad, despite all the effort she put into trying to get him to behave.
"The more you screamed at me, the smaller and farther away you got, until finally I could just ignore you completely."
That made a huge impression on me when I got to the point of raising my own kids. I never forgot it. It flashed through my mind every time I started to raise my voice at them. It helped a lot.
I have one daughter who is an adult now and we are extremely close. She comes to me all the time to ask my opinion on things before she makes a decision. She doesn't always follow it, of course, but we are close and we talk every day and she never went through that "teenage rebellion" thing at all. She also, in the whole time I was raising her, only had two public meltdowns. Ever.
My younger daughter is a teenager and she's also never done that rebellious thing. She had four occasions as a child where I had to remove her from a public place because of her behavior. I texted them this morning and they both said they can't remember me ever "losing it" and screaming at them. I know I have a few times, but I am thankful that their memories of me as their mom aren't overshadowed by that.0 -
Remember a time before everything was so damn politically correct and everyone had to have sensitivity training?
We're becoming way too soft of a nation...on a whole, America is raising a bunch of over sensitive, lazy, whiners. China recently became the number 2 power, they'll be number 1 before you know it. They're parenting is TOUGH but guess what, they're kids are better behaved and smarter. We're not setting high enough expectations for our kids regarding their behavior and education. (NOTE: This is ON A WHOLE...THIS DOES NOT MEAN ANY OF YOU SPECIFICALLY)
Usually I don't have to raise my voice to my daughter, she's pretty well behaved. HOWEVER, I was never a parent that did the nicey nice, "no no sweetie, don't touch that...don't do this" It was the voice of "satan" as I call it (deepening the voice, giving the eye) and getting right in her face. My daughter knows, Mommy will only ask ONCE for her to do something. I make sure she has heard me, I'm looking at her, I make her respond that she has heard me. If I have to ask more than once, I am raising my voice. I use her full name, and repeat what has mommy asked you to do? She responds...she knows. Then MOVE IT and get it done NOW...not later, not when you feel like it, NOW.
This is NOT a democracy, sorry bout ya luck. This is a dictatorship and I'm the Queen. If she gets in trouble, usually she's put in time out...the corner is quite effective. AFTERWARDS, I then tell her WHY she got in trouble and explain things.
One time she wiggled free from my grasp and ran for the road...did I yell? Bet your *kitten* I did. Did she get her butt smacked? Yup! Did I explain to her that I didn't want her getting hit by a car and dying? Yep...Same thing with trying to run off in the store. I was pretty honest. There are some sick people in this world that would snatch you up, do bad things to you and never give you back to mommy. Children do need to have a healthy fear of certain things.
Her dad has been Mr. Nicey Nice...she walks all over him. She doesn't with me. I am strict on certain things, but I also talk with her. I also tell her what a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent little girl she is and that she's not showing her best side when she acts naughty. She's better than that behavior and I know she is.0 -
I once heard somewhere that if you tell a kid why doing something is wrong, they'll get it more. "We shouldn't play in the street, because you could get hurt by getting hit by a car, so let's come over here in the driveway, so you can stay safe and whole. You can bring your skates." or whatever.
My three year old now quotes me all the time, "mama we can't walk in the middle of the road, or a car is going to squish us like a bug." Even if he sees a car parked on the side, two blocks away. At least he got the point! :-)
Exactly. And this is one of the things that's helped me not yell -- if something is dangerous or I have a good reason not to want them to do something, I explain it, and they do get it more. And if there isn't a good reason, I just don't want them to do something because I don't want to do it, I ask myself, "Does this matter? Do I have to say no? Is anybody going to get hurt, or is this a habit that will be harmful for them in the long run?" If the answer to those things is "no," I shut my mouth and let it go. And if it's something that's driving me crazy and I can't give them a good reason, I just redirect them to another activity. No yelling necessary.0 -
YES!!!0
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I haven't read everyone's responses, however, I can speak from experience on this:
My mom was a yeller. That is how I started my parenting when my son started getting to the point of driving me bonkers. What changed my heart was one day, when I called his name (he was about 2 at the time), just to tell him I loved him, he flinched. That broke my heart. I realized I had a problem with yelling.
I wanted my son to have a healthy fear of me, but not be afraid of me. It took a LOT of training myself to stop yelling. Basically, when you feel like yelling, take a few deep breaths and walk through the issue in your head. I realize that parenting doesn't always afford such luxuries as taking two seconds to breathe, however since you are the parent, you could sit there and stare a hole through your kid for thirty minutes before answering and it would be acceptable.
After you take a second to take a breath and consider if it is worth yelling about, sit down with your kid, face to face, and talk to them about whatever it is that is the issue. Personally, I don't like to be yelled at. When people yell at me, I shut down. I would MUCH rather them sit down with me, face to face, and discuss whatever the issue is so that we can work it out and move on. Since I want that respect, I gave my son that respect.
There are very rare times now where I yell. I raise my voice and spank him (only when absolutely necessary to correct a problem that talking to him has not resolved), however my change four years ago has yielded me a child who doesn't yell at other kids when he's mad....actually, he doesn't really lose his temper all that often at all. He works through them. It's gratifying to see the years of work I have poured into him coming out in such amazing and positive ways.0 -
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I think it depends on the child. My daughter is almost 16 and I still have to yell at her, it is the only way she will shut up and take me seriously. My son who is 14, I can count on one hand how many times he has been yelled at, with him I just have to give the mommy glare or say the entire full name and he knows he's in too deep. Also with my children and those of my friends and neighbors, girls are tougher than boys, they will challenge more often and usually want to have the last word. I am convinced my daughter is my penance for something bad in a past life!
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parenting without yelling == parenting without kids.
FUNNY!!! and yet true!!! I yell. I find myself yelling because - 1) I am a high strung person and 2) until I yell, my children don't seem to "hear" me. I don't feel I'm doing any damage to them, they are very well behaved, not angry - just awesome little girls (9 and 8 yrs old).0 -
Not a terrible mommy at all. Not only am i a mommy but a Pre-K teacher too or i was for many years now that i stay at home with the kids i find that what i learned is school works really well. I try not to use "negative" words when i can instead of stop i say please try this or instead of no say please i don't like that or instead of bad i say ugly Also we have sit downs my daughter is 3 and my son is 10 and i have my nephew who is a year and a half. We find that if they are doing something we don't like and they aren't getting when i don't want them to do it we pull them away from everyone and talk then get a new activity by themselves.
Maybe this will help. I know it helps me.
^^^^this...Only I work at a medium security juvenile center as a teacher (I teach current events) and yelling does not help any situation here. With all 5 of my kids (ages 16-6) I try to talk them through what ever it is keeping in mind that they do not know anything and it is my job as a parent to teach them what I know while at the same time let them think for themselves.
With that said, I am human and will yell every once in awhile. It happens but you live and learn.
yelling sometimes just helps me lol but now that i talk to them more when i do yell they freak a little they know its bad lol and wow 16-6 you have your hands full!!
It was a challenge at first but now the kids know what is expected and do what needs to be done now. There are times that it can get crazy when they have their week but we love it.
As a side note, I also have a 17 yr old that was put up for adoption by her mother so when we find her it will be really interesting.0 -
This thread has been so encouraging to me today!! I will read more of it later, your suggestions have been so helpful and I am so glad to know I am not alone. Single mom to a 4 year old, I ahve been yelling - screaming!! - way more than I want, and I just hate it. I hate the sound of my own voice and the feeling that my control has completely snapped. I know I am not teaching her ANYTHING when I get that way. I do not lose control in this manner in any other area of my life, I don't yell at anyone else. (Gee no, I just stuff my face instead LOL!!) Thank you all for sharing your stories and advice here. I have tried some of the methods mentioned, will give others a try too, and keep working on my own self-control. I have been reading a very helpful book, "How to Behave So Your preschooler Will Too". I want to be a good example for my daughter, not a horrible warning lol!!0
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First off, you are not alone in this one! Recognizing that yelling is an issue and reaching out for advice is your first step to healthier parenting. I am a mother of 5. I have a 20 yo son, 11 yo son, 8 yo daughter and 5 yo twin boys. Life in my house can get crazy at times. Boundries and routines are key in my home. Everyone has a job to do everyday such as set the table, pick up after themselves, take out the garbage and/or recycling ect. If said jobs are not done, there is a consequence, same goes for behaviors.
Each child is different and different methods works for each one. We start a bedtime routine a half hour before bed time. Pick up your toys/room, brush teeth, get jammies on, say our prayers hugs and kisses. They know what the routine is, and just do it. That being said, every day is also different. If my twins are completly out of control, screaming, running through the house, I will warn them to stop what they are doing, or they have to go sit on their bed. That is the worst thing I can do to those kids. My 11 yo, all I have to do is give him "the look" and he straightens out real quick because he knows something is about to leave his world...friends, club, tv ect. My daughter...I'll get back to you on that one. She is my most difficult child, but most of the time I just have to tell her she hurt my heart.
I have donated an entire bedroom of toys and such to a homeless mission, and made my oldest (he was 10 at the time) unload the truck for me. He had no clue all of his prized belongins were in those black garbage bags. We got home and he was in shock that all his "stuff" was gone. He had been warned for almost 2 weeks to clean his room or I was going to. Never have had a problem with dirty rooms since.
I also loose control of my mouth sometimes and yell. It is only human, but when I do...my kids run for the hills. They know that they pushed way too far, and someone is going to pay the piper. Mommy time outs work also, I have been known to put my headphones on, sing at the top of my lungs (and I am the worst singer), and if they try to talk to me..."I can't hear you". It always makes the situation lighter and they come out of the woodwork to stare at the crazy mom who has completly lost her marbles. But it works, they get a laugh in, I get better acting children. Good luck hon, and I did read about 3 pages of the advice you are getting, and there are some really good ones.0 -
I have four children: 21, 18, and 2 1/2 year old twins. I yelled with my older two and not with my young two. My age and maturity probably are the big difference. I have learned that when you yell, they stop listening automatically. They are scared and stop focusing on what you are saying and instead focusing on what is going to happen or what they should do. Instead of yelling, use a strict voice and follow through on everything. You can't be lazy. Once you say something to them and they continue, then you must stop whatever you are doing, get down on their level, look them in the eye and tell them no, etc. As they get a little older, explain why. Then when they become teenagers, stop the explaining and just say "because I said so" or "because I pay the bills".
Good luck!0 -
So here's my confession of feeling like a CRAP parent. I have taken to yelling SHUT UP. Of course this is proceeded by "Hush" "Be Quiet' "Enough" and then the SHUT UP comes out. Unfortunately lately it seems that my ids won't respond until the SHUT UP comes out. and then I spend the rest of the night/day feeling terrible. I've tried talking to them and explaining that they need to hush when I say it the first time, and that I don't like yelling SHUT UP, they seem to get it for a bit, but hen it magically fades away the next time they are really rambunctious..... *SIGH*
Can't lie... I really hope you can kick this habit.
I grew up in this. You have no idea the effect it will have on your kids. Please try to stop.
Agreed. And, in my experience, "Shut Up" is not an acceptable word in school. Try not to say things you don't want them repeating if possible.
Everyone slips, but if you're finding this a regular behavior I'd hope you try to work on it.
Totally can't pass complete judgement just for Shut Up. We are a very close family. It's not like I'm yelling all the time or calling them hateful names. Funny thing is, I don't have to do it as much as i used to because they are responding a lot quicker now. And who said anything about it being acceptable in school? if that's the worst thing they say in school then I'm doing just fine. :ohwell:0 -
Read "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.0
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This is going to sound really horrible so I apologize in advance to anyone that this might offend.
My boyfriend's brother NEVER has to yell at his daughter.
All he does is start counting to 3. He never ever gets to 3 before she stops whatever it is she's doing.
I asked him how that possibly works and basically it's because he follows through with any threats that he makes.
If you tell your child. You better stop that or you are going to get such and such consequence, you better follow through with it when they inevitably don't stop. Otherwise they will never believe you when you try to get them to stop doing something with a threat.0 -
I have two daughters. One is 23 and the other 13. I learned very quickly when I yelled at them, they shut down and no longer listen to me. They didn't care about what I was trying to get across. Walking away and being honest with myself. "What am I not getting that I want?" "What am I going to accomplish by yelling at her?" It took a lot of practice and a lot of time!!! I made changes and the response is amazing. I touch them on the shoulder and get down to their level and look at them when I talk. I talk about how I feel, what I want, and clarify what I expect. It gives me an opportunity to listen to them and now they don't tip toe around me or afraid to talk to me. My husband didn't make the changes and those relationships are non-existent. I don't want my children afraid of me. I don't want my children to pass on the anger. I want my children to think before they do. I am an example to my daughters.0
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I never got 'screamed' at, but really firm talking too-s, cleanched teeth, AND I got the belt a few times. My uncle used the belt to teach me multiplication tables. One wrong answer and whack!!! Now a days, that's called child abuse. I am not worse off for it, but really, it didn't make me learn any better.
Taylor your parenting to your child, and you'll do better.0 -
not possible.... yell and smack.. its the part of life.... you children will thank you in 20 years.
This is B.S. I was yelled at and smacked and I don't thank my parents for it. They did a good job overall but they did a good job DESPITE yelling and smacking.
You might not want to admit it... but that was part of the "THEY DID A GOOD JOB" you just said lol I know... I know... 0 -
This is B.S. I was yelled at and smacked and I don't thank my parents for it. They did a good job overall but they did a good job DESPITE yelling and smacking.
You might not want to admit it... but that was part of the "THEY DID A GOOD JOB" you just said lol I know... I know...
Definitely not true, sorry.0 -
You just have to learn. Slowly. It is hard. Really hard. It gets easier once you can reason with them, but there are always going to be times as a mother where you have to shout. For me it's just to be heard over the noise my two make when they are fighting.
If you find yourself shouting, stop. Take a deep breath. Count to 10 and ask yourself do you have to be shouting? Is it that important? By then you will be calm enough to explain why you are angry.0 -
How about grouding? The threat of, "If I have to pick them up, they are going into the trash.", always inspired us to listen to our mom when it was time to clean our rooms. It works for my stepdaughter as well, and no voices are rasied.I know that yelling happens. I'm not going to calmly say "Now, darling, we really shouldn't play in the street"....but there's got to be a better way to get her to pick up her toys LOL0 -
AMEN to that. I can suggest Loving Logic, i believe it's a book and their are websites for it. I can absolutely yell and can get very mad. It's worse at certain times of the month,ahem. But can stay pretty calm on most occasions but not all. I try and sometimes i go in the other room and ask the Lord to give me patience and the strength i need to make it through the day. You might be surprised how effective it can be. I've been very ashamed of my behavior and realize later i'm acting no better than my children. I like to use a sticker chart. They earn stickers for doing what they are asked. When the chart is full they get something from Mommy. They get choices of a toy or a movie or clothes. I use construction paper and decorate it or let them and you have a sticker chart ready to go. Stickers are cheap and you pick different sizes and then appropriated sized stickers are earned for certain behaviors and getting done what has been asked. I still have to take away tv, games, early bedtime sometimes. My youngest has gone to bed without dinner many times. He's my very difficult one. I spank them when necessary and slap hands too. If i have to yank and hold a hand while yelling and telling a car is going to kill them, then i do. None of us are perfect and we shouldn't expect perfection from our children either. That doesn't mean they are allowed to rule the home or me however. I know when i yell they are unhappier and yell more too. When i stay calm they stay more calm too.recently i was getting some ice cream at a TCBY. in front of me on line was a woman with her kid, 7 years old or so. woman asked her what he wanted. he said some flavor, and she said "no, i just got you that, and you ate half of it and said you didn't like it and you threw it away."
as she's getting her another ice cream, he's climbing the counter. scaling it like he's muther friggen spider man. she goes to him and calls him by his ridiculously white upper east side name and goes "get down from there, before i count to three. one... two..." he doesn't come down. she picks him up, sets him on the floor, goes to one knee, and tells the kid "you're really upseting me. if you keep this up i'll make you wait outside while i get your ice cream."
so basically the kid has his mother wrapped around his finger. he eats half an ice cream because he knows his mother will get him another one. he misbehaves in a public place because he knows his mother won't do anything.
what. the. frik. my mother never would've gotten me another ice cream to start off with. second, i would've never climbed that counter because of the fear of getting a slap across the face (i was an eighties child. very socially acceptable to slap a misbehaving child in public). if i had climbed that counter, my mother would've pulled me down by me ear. and then dragged me out of the place by lifting me up by my arm pit, so i have to tip toe out following her.
i love my mom. my dad too. i'm a pretty regular person, so my parents yelling at me and hitting me once in a while didn't warp me or make me hate them. i even graduated college and i'm an engineer for the local power company.0 -
Well let's agree to disagree... looks like our kids are going to be raised differently. lol0
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