Girly dating question

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  • sarah44254
    sarah44254 Posts: 3,078 Member
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    Whoa there is a lot of rude stuff in here!

    I read the first post and thought of medical reasons:
    a) too little testosterone
    b) mental health
    c) reactions from medications

    also other less serious reasons
    d) not feeling quite right yet (2 months is crazy early in my view)
    e) might be thinking twice about the times you did do it and trying to judge where you are in relationship
    f) might be really freaking tired from work / the day

    solutions: talk to him about it. ask him straight up if there is a reason why he doesn't want sex. listen to his response and honor it. if he isn't ready, ask him to tell you when he is and be patient. if he is not feeling well, get him feeling healthy again and try that. if he is on meds, understand that and if he is willing, try to find an alternate med with a lesser side effect. if he just doesn't want to, judge how that effects your relationship and make a call from there.

    2 months is not a long time. a 10 year friendship is something that makes this difficult. really think about your future and what you want in it. tell him about it and ask if he wants to be there with you. if this is really bothering you and he is not helping you find a solution, it could be time to move on.
  • Curvy1taliana
    Curvy1taliana Posts: 371 Member
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    Trust me, it's one of these:

    1) He watches too much porn and/or masturbates too much (i.e. creates diminished sexual desire for a partner) This is a major problem in our modern culture.

    2) You're in the friend zone in his mind but he's too lazy to be honest and move on because he likes your companionship. This could include another girl in the picture.

    3) Him being gay is a possibility too, but not likely.

    Regardless, you need to move on. Don't settle, don't try to change him, don't be offended and fight with him, just move on.

    this
  • Pollyfleming
    Pollyfleming Posts: 147 Member
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    Danger Will Robinson!!!!! Trust me, if you are having this concern now, it does not improve with time, just the opposite. A relationship should not make your feel stupid and insecure, just the opposite! It may hurt initially, but don't invest any more time with him - trade up!

    ^^^^^^This for sure....warning, warning, warning, red flag, abandon ship, head for the hills!!!!!
    Who knows why but maybe he's gay, insecure, haunted by some childhood trauma, has low T, etc....It doesn't matter. Sex is very intimate and should make you feel loved and beautiful. If it doesn't then it's not the right relationship.
    And btw, you can't change him---ever
  • liftingbro
    liftingbro Posts: 2,029 Member
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    There are a lot of reasons a guy might not want to have sex:

    #1- Low sex drive (this could be just the way he is or perhaps he has a hormonal problem)
    #2- Overweight, kind of ties in with #1 but overweight men have a higher occurrence of sexual dysfunction.
    #3- Stress. When a guy is stressed or nervous he will either not be able to get it up, or not feel like it to begin with.
    #4- Lack of attraction/chemistry.


    From first hand experience I have a higher sex drive since losing about 35 pounds and exercising regularly. I also tend to chase the wife around the bed less when I'm stressed out. I've never dated a woman I didn't have chemistry with or wasn't attracted to. I guess my sex drive fluctuates, some months my wife probably gets annoyed that I'm after her practically every minute we have alone time and other times she gets a little annoyed that I just want to go to sleep.

    However, when we were dating it was practically an every night thing. Unless there is some medical issue or something going on it's sort of odd that a newly dating couple struggles with this sort of thing.
  • Cassi_Eats_Apples
    Cassi_Eats_Apples Posts: 235
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    Maybe he feels weird about it because you have been friends so long?
  • liftingbro
    liftingbro Posts: 2,029 Member
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    Maybe he feels weird about it because you have been friends so long?

    Could be that too. It might be things are a little weird and confusing for him. However, typically It's more of an issue just starting a romantic relationship with someone who has been a friend before, not continuing it once you start one.
  • frankie964
    frankie964 Posts: 41 Member
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    You have known this guy a long time , first as a friend and now in a relationship that isnt really intimate. The only way forward is to sit down with him and tell him how you feel. It may be a confidence issue or he does not feel he is a good lover. Best to talk and work it through if possible. Tell him when he does this, it makes you feel like................Good luck.
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
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    That's very strange.
    You should try to tell him this, then see if he addresses the issue.
    And if not, then say bye bye.
    I don't mean to take lightly your situation, but this might be one to go back to being "just friends" with or sever the relationship totally.
    Say something like "it's not you, it's me" and "I need time apart, so I can grow as a person"
    And just leave and find another guy who will know what to do and do it right.
    Sexual compatibility is a must for any relationship to work.
  • karenwill2
    karenwill2 Posts: 604 Member
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    It would only get worse if you were married..... some guys don't want sex (not me! ) but I have married friends who have not had sex in years. To me that is depressing. So it sounds like you are heading down this road. Platonic....


    What?! No way! You need to ask him and make sure he understands you want an honest answer. As a sexual person you need a proper answer. UGH! To be turned away has to sting. I would be backing him in to a corner and demanding a proper answer without worrying about feelings.
  • pascale485
    pascale485 Posts: 173 Member
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    He might just be nervous...you've only been together for 2 months so give it some time. Try talking with him about it. Maybe he had some sort of trauma in the past and it's hard for him to get past it. I doubt he's not attracted, he wouldn't be with you if he wasn't. Just don't jump to conclusions (like half of the people responding in this thread).

    OK, keep dreaming.... they are in thier 20's and sleep tgether 3 nights a week for 2 months and had sex 2 times.... something is not right! Anyway goodnight going to see if I can get lucky tonight with my wife :)

    I agree! I'm 26 and my b-f is 33 and when we were 2 months into our relationship, we used to have sex everywhere and anytime! I don't think it is you... I think it's him!! I would talk to him about it and if he says it's you... RUN AWAY!!!! It's just a bad begining for a relationship!!!!
  • hongruss
    hongruss Posts: 389 Member
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    Sorry to be a pig, but there is only one reason a man in good physical condition doesn't want sex & that is because he just had it:tongue: Thats the only reason!! ONLY REASON :laugh:

    Russ
  • liftingbro
    liftingbro Posts: 2,029 Member
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    It would only get worse if you were married..... some guys don't want sex (not me! ) but I have married friends who have not had sex in years. To me that is depressing. So it sounds like you are heading down this road. Platonic....


    What?! No way! You need to ask him and make sure he understands you want an honest answer. As a sexual person you need a proper answer. UGH! To be turned away has to sting. I would be backing him in to a corner and demanding a proper answer without worrying about feelings.

    I think for women being turned down is probably more demoralizing because men tend to initiate sex a lot more often and get turned down a lot more often (though not always the case). So, I think for the average woman this sort of rejection is more problematic than it is for the average guy.

    Most of the time for good reason to, because most guys I know rarely turn down sex when the woman initiates it. I mean, that's like free money! :laugh:
  • erxkeel
    erxkeel Posts: 553 Member
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    Mmm gay.
  • onecrazyredhead
    onecrazyredhead Posts: 16 Member
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    Sounds like he has a testosterone problem. One of my friends husband has that and he just could care less about sex. Maybe another man would be a better option. YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY. THERE ARE MORE FISH IN THE SEA. No man should make you feel bad about you wants.
  • hikeout470
    hikeout470 Posts: 628 Member
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    Oooo. 4 areas you MUST be compatible. Sex, intimacy, money, and religion. I had an experience like yours once, and the guy turns out had some SERIOUS mommy issues. This pointed out and confirmed by various mutual friends. Though not totally his fault, he seemed content not to do anything about it, and so there you go. Or rather there I went!
  • 76tech
    76tech Posts: 1,455 Member
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    It's possible he's just not that interested in sex. There are guys like that, doesn't mean they're gay or have another gf or anything, they just don't want sex that often.

    It makes sense to talk to him about it and see what the deal is. If he just doesn't like bonking as often as you do, and he is happy with himself, then chalk it up to sexual incompatibility. It happens.

    There is always the possibility of a medical condition. Kleinfelder syndrome is one of many that results in low testosterone levels. If he's unhappy with his life, then he can see a doctor to improve things. If he's happy, then move on.
  • crzygurl
    crzygurl Posts: 3 Member
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    Talk to him about it and keep an open mind. Tell him how you feel. Listen as intently to him as you want him to listen to you. However if his actions or words continue to make you feel stupid move on. You should never feel that way in a relationship, if you do he's not the right guy for you. He may not know he is making you feel that way. Once he does hopefully he will be able to explain things to you so that you understand without feeling stupid or his actions will change. Good Luck !
  • sexforjaffacakes
    sexforjaffacakes Posts: 1,001 Member
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    I think if a man were posting this about a woman, there would be a lot more sympathy for her. Not all men are sex-machines like not all women always 'have a headache'. Sex isn't a reason to just drop someone cold turkey. OP, don't attach his sexual tendencies to your self-esteem. Any time that happens you put yourself in a position of weakness where it's easy to pick up negative sexual habits and a lot of resentment. Don't take it personally. Just communicate with him and if necessary, politely end it.

    This! If a guy came on saying his gf never wanted to shag, and someone replied saying "well if she's not put out after 2 months dump her" the women here would be going mental!

    TALK TO HIM. You won't find your answer here. I've been in your situation before, and the only way out is to get him to tell you what's wrong.
  • songbyrdsweet
    songbyrdsweet Posts: 5,691 Member
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    I think if a man were posting this about a woman, there would be a lot more sympathy for her. Not all men are sex-machines like not all women always 'have a headache'. Sex isn't a reason to just drop someone cold turkey. OP, don't attach his sexual tendencies to your self-esteem. Any time that happens you put yourself in a position of weakness where it's easy to pick up negative sexual habits and a lot of resentment. Don't take it personally. Just communicate with him and if necessary, politely end it.

    This! If a guy came on saying his gf never wanted to shag, and someone replied saying "well if she's not put out after 2 months dump her" the women here would be going mental!

    TALK TO HIM. You won't find your answer here. I've been in your situation before, and the only way out is to get him to tell you what's wrong.

    THANK YOU! I was beginning to wonder whether I was the only person who noticed this double standard.

    Woman doesn't want to have sex: there's something wrong with the man!
    Man doesn't want to have sex: there's something wrong with the man!
  • Pollyfleming
    Pollyfleming Posts: 147 Member
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    I think if a man were posting this about a woman, there would be a lot more sympathy for her. Not all men are sex-machines like not all women always 'have a headache'. Sex isn't a reason to just drop someone cold turkey. OP, don't attach his sexual tendencies to your self-esteem. Any time that happens you put yourself in a position of weakness where it's easy to pick up negative sexual habits and a lot of resentment. Don't take it personally. Just communicate with him and if necessary, politely end it.
    I would say the exact same thing to a man. Don't continue a relationship in which you feel bad or ashamed after sex.

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