married - joining finances/seperate - HELP!

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  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
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    Separate! - unless your both poor, then who cares?
    But if you have a little wealth, don't do it.
    Don't make this mistake, and yea, I know, but you love and trust each other.
    Yea, right....
    Keep your money SEPARATE! :glasses:
    I love my wife of 28 years, and she's got her own money and assets, and I've got mine.
    Nobody touches my finances but me. Don't ever give a SO access to your money.

    You'll be sorry....
  • JennC831
    JennC831 Posts: 631 Member
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    First of all, take everything here about your relationship with a grain of salt. Only the two of you fully appreciate all the ins and outs of your relationship.

    I am an attorney, and I'm going through a divorce, and here is what I know about the rights or A and B in this scenerio. Legally, if A makes 100 and B makes 30, A and B are entitled to 65 each. If they were to divorce, A would have to pay B 35, which is equal to 50% of A's salary less 50% of B's salary (100 x .5) - (30 x .5). Legally A does not make more, B does not make less - rather, legally, the partnership of A and B make 130. So A might need some education on the legal rights to the couples' income.

    But more importantly, A and B love each other and so A needs to understand he is hurting B's feelings wiith his comments. They need to have a loving conversation about it. With good communication A should come to appreciate the contributions that B is making to the partnership.


    If A isn't willing to be considerate about this, B would have no problem dropping A for a C, or a D, E, F, G, etc. etc. because she is a very lovely lady. :^) In other words, I think A will wise up. Good luck, sweetie. :^)

    ^^^^^ I like!! LOL
  • grapenutSF
    grapenutSF Posts: 648 Member
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    To each his own, but here's how we do it.

    He makes more than I do (bc I work part-time to care more for child & manage more at home). No matter. Our income gets deposited into 1 account. That account pays for everything for our living expenses. Each month, an agreed upon sum gets transferred into 2 individual accounts- 1 for each of us. With that money, I can save it or blow it on killer riding boots or a night out with girlfriends, etc, without me feeling guilty and without him feeling bitter. Same for him and his camera equipment. That way we mostly have joint finances but some personal too.
  • 30yearssincebikini
    30yearssincebikini Posts: 261
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    I am the sole breadwinner in my house of three (hubby, grown son who goes to school). My hubby has a lung disorder that makes him too winded to work regular. But he does everything around the house, fixes everything, mows, cooks, and treats me like a queen. To me that is worth much more than any amount of money. Your "A" should see the other things about you that are great and not so much about money.
  • seehawkmomma
    seehawkmomma Posts: 815
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    The way I see it is up until marriage all finances could be kept seperate. Once married, finances should be joined. You are a "joined" couple, so everything should be joined.

    I agree.
  • mcjmommy
    mcjmommy Posts: 148 Member
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    You have to be able to trust the person you chose to marry, right? Join your finances and agree how to spend the money that you both make.
  • fasttrack27
    fasttrack27 Posts: 324
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    I didnt take the time to read all 10,000 responses, but I'll chime in. Marriage is a union, and so should the finances. We each bring strengths and weakness to the table. I made $100k last yr and my wife makes under 5k part-time. But I know she handles a lot more matters with the kids, household, etc. Most of it should be pretty simple. All income goes in, necessary bills get paid, savings/retirement gets set aside, then anything left (if any!) can be spent however you agree. At this point you could come up with a fair split based on your incomes, but not when it comes to bills.

    We've been married 16 yrs and dated 5 yrs before that. Money has never really been an issue (thank God!) but I know it is for many people. We are both very responsible, don't overspend, and dont lie/cheat about our spending. That goes a LONG ways!!! Being self employed, our income can vary dramatically year to year which is challenging. We built a nice emergency fund which is off limits unless a disaster strikes, house will be pd off in 2 yrs and no other debt. Did I mention we have 3 kids? You HAVE to have a plan and get on the same page or the problems will never stop
  • BecomingMyself
    BecomingMyself Posts: 39
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    When people get married, they trade the I, me, mine for us, we, ours. If they aren't prepared to do so, they aren't prepared for marriage.
  • kaetra
    kaetra Posts: 442 Member
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    I can't imagine the stress and hassle of keeping things separate. Yikes!

    If A is throwing things like this in B's face, then there are a lot more problems than finances in that marriage.
  • Bentley2718
    Bentley2718 Posts: 1,690 Member
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    We keep our finances separate, and I make about 2.5 times what my husband does. I go out of my way to try NOT to make him feel bad about the fact that I pay for way more of the household expenses than he does. I also try to make sure he has enough money to do things he wants to do, the same way that I am able to. I feel that it would be wrong to make someone I love feel bad about not being able to contribute equally when they are doing the best they can. That said, when he was not working and then working part time, I did let him do most of the housework, but he had more free time than I did, so we both felt like that was fair.
  • Bentley2718
    Bentley2718 Posts: 1,690 Member
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    I can't imagine the stress and hassle of keeping things separate. Yikes!

    If A is throwing things like this in B's face, then there are a lot more problems than finances in that marriage.

    And this.
  • KimmieBrie
    KimmieBrie Posts: 825 Member
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    I think a LOT of people haven't read the crucial word 'CHILDCARE' here!!!

    Talk % all you like people or figures - none of it means a cracker if you don't have kids in the mix!!

    true...

    B basically pays all child related thing. Before and afterschool care. Over $500 a month not to mention lunch money and clothing....BTW did I mention B-Child is from B's first marriage???

    Maybe A is resentful? I think there's more to it than just unequal earnings.
  • jocelynna
    jocelynna Posts: 137 Member
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    My fiance and I had the same problem. While we weren't (and still aren't) married yet, we have a baby and a house together. We have been together for 6 years, and so have accumulated other joint purchases that could be considered major as well. We still have our separate accounts, but most of my paycheck (I make less than he does) is deposited into his account that pays all of the bills, groceries, daycare, etc. I keep a set amount in mine for my gas money, and a little bit of play money (which almost always goes to spoiling him and our son), but it's money that I get to choose how it's spent. And, of course, in the event that I spend all of my money before payday, he does help, but expects an explanation of what happened to my money (which is good, because I am horrible with money). He is definitely the saver in our family, so it works for us.
  • tinalatina
    tinalatina Posts: 499 Member
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    First of all, take everything here about your relationship with a grain of salt. Only the two of you fully appreciate all the ins and outs of your relationship.

    I am an attorney, and I'm going through a divorce, and here is what I know about the rights or A and B in this scenerio. Legally, if A makes 100 and B makes 30, A and B are entitled to 65 each. If they were to divorce, A would have to pay B 35, which is equal to 50% of A's salary less 50% of B's salary (100 x .5) - (30 x .5). Legally A does not make more, B does not make less - rather, legally, the partnership of A and B make 130. So A might need some education on the legal rights to the couples' income.

    But more importantly, A and B love each other and so A needs to understand he is hurting B's feelings wiith his comments. They need to have a loving conversation about it. With good communication A should come to appreciate the contributions that B is making to the partnership.

    If A isn't willing to be considerate about this, B would have no problem dropping A for a C, or a D, E, F, G, etc. etc. because she is a very lovely lady. :^) In other words, I think A will wise up. Good luck, sweetie. :^)

    Please dont think A is an evil troll. A & B do love each very much!
  • fuhrmeister
    fuhrmeister Posts: 1,796 Member
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    so lot's of openions here.

    My hubby and I moved in together before we married so our stuff is part joint part seperate. But our pay grades are only about 15,000 different.

    He gets paid weekly so he mostly pays for groceries and gas etc.

    I get paid bi-weekly so I have larger chunks for bills.

    We never purchase anything over $20 w/o consulting each other. Birthday gifts areexceptions.

    In my openion both of you need to see it as "our" money and work together. Or you can each have a certain percentage of each of your checks come out for bills and then keep the other percent to spend how you see fit. This works well for friends of mine. But the person who makes more needs to share when necessary.

    Good Luck.
  • Rhea30
    Rhea30 Posts: 625 Member
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    Joined. I like how fastrack27 put it. All income goes in, and all bills get paid.
  • fasttrack27
    fasttrack27 Posts: 324
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    I didnt take the time to read all 10,000 responses, but I'll chime in. Marriage is a union, and so should the finances. We each bring strengths and weakness to the table. I made $100k last yr and my wife makes under 5k part-time. But I know she handles a lot more matters with the kids, household, etc. Most of it should be pretty simple. All income goes in, necessary bills get paid, savings/retirement gets set aside, then anything left (if any!) can be spent however you agree. At this point you could come up with a fair split based on your incomes, but not when it comes to bills.

    We've been married 16 yrs and dated 5 yrs before that. Money has never really been an issue (thank God!) but I know it is for many people. We are both very responsible, don't overspend, and dont lie/cheat about our spending. That goes a LONG ways!!! Being self employed, our income can vary dramatically year to year which is challenging. We built a nice emergency fund which is off limits unless a disaster strikes, house will be pd off in 2 yrs and no other debt. Did I mention we have 3 kids? You HAVE to have a plan and get on the same page or the problems will never stop
  • netztoy
    netztoy Posts: 83 Member
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    A marriage is a unity between two people...in everything. My opinion is if someone does something for you or the family, do it and shut up about it. If it's from the heart, it will never be mentioned again. The love of money is the root of all evil. That paper has so much power its ridiculous. Best of luck dealing your situation!!!
  • Kotasmommy
    Kotasmommy Posts: 124 Member
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    I am not married yet. My boyfriend and I do live together though. We have a joint bank account and we do fine. The only thing that matters is the bills get paid. Doesn't matter who pays them.
  • tinalatina
    tinalatina Posts: 499 Member
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    I didnt take the time to read all 10,000 responses, but I'll chime in. Marriage is a union, and so should the finances. We each bring strengths and weakness to the table. I made $100k last yr and my wife makes under 5k part-time. But I know she handles a lot more matters with the kids, household, etc. Most of it should be pretty simple. All income goes in, necessary bills get paid, savings/retirement gets set aside, then anything left (if any!) can be spent however you agree. At this point you could come up with a fair split based on your incomes, but not when it comes to bills.

    We've been married 16 yrs and dated 5 yrs before that. Money has never really been an issue (thank God!) but I know it is for many people. We are both very responsible, don't overspend, and dont lie/cheat about our spending. That goes a LONG ways!!! Being self employed, our income can vary dramatically year to year which is challenging. We built a nice emergency fund which is off limits unless a disaster strikes, house will be pd off in 2 yrs and no other debt. Did I mention we have 3 kids? You HAVE to have a plan and get on the same page or the problems will never stop

    I wish A was as understanding as you were....I really think is has trust issues with his money and I cant seem to convince him that combined will help both us "our relationship" be less stressed. Instead I think he'd be worrying about how much money he isnt getting.

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