married - joining finances/seperate - HELP!
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All expenses should be joined. Then, each person puts in for every bill based on percentage. If a) makes 100,000 and b) makes 25,000 then a) pays 75% of each bill and b) pays 25%.
This way each contributes their "fare share" so to say.
OR
everything goes in one pot and everything gets paid from that pot... no a) and b) crap.
However, A sounds like they are on a power trip and so who knows if A would be up for either one. LOL Good luck0 -
maybe it's already been said, but i just have not read all the replies..
i agree with those suggesting each puts a % into a joint account, for bills etc, based on how much each earns...
however, while oldschool (as many mentioned) dictates all finances are shared once married... i would urge B (assuming this is the wife) to keep her own credit card in her name (solely) as well as her pay going directly (via direct deposit) into her own acct.
She can link that acct with the shared joint acct for ease of transferring her share into it. (Obviously A would do the same).
Why bother?
Well, speaking from experience, while you don't want to think about the marriage possibly ending.. the fact is you never know what will happen.. and if everything is joint.. the wife will have lost aLOT of credibility with the bank in regards to her own personal credit rating...it can be like starting over, financially, trying to establish yourself as having a good credit score if you had nothing in your name alone all the years you were married.
Keeping your own credit actively being maintained by you alone goes a long way to landing with your feet under you if things don't work out down the road.
Not fun.0 -
maybe it's already been said, but i just have not read all the replies..
i agree with those suggesting each puts a % into a joint account, for bills etc, based on how much each earns...
however, while oldschool (as many mentioned) dictates all finances are shared once married... i would urge B (assuming this is the wife) to keep her own credit card in her name (solely) as well as her pay going directly (via direct deposit) into her own acct.
She can link that acct with the shared joint acct for ease of transferring her share into it. (Obviously A would do the same).
Why bother?
Well, speaking from experience, while you don't want to think about the marriage possibly ending.. the fact is you never know what will happen.. and if everything is joint.. the wife will have lost aLOT of credibility with the bank in regards to her own personal credit rating...it can be like starting over, financially, trying to establish yourself as having a good credit score if you had nothing in your name alone all the years you were married.
Keeping your own credit actively being maintained by you alone goes a long way to landing with your feet under you if things don't work out down the road.
Not fun.
100% agree, I am reading alot of women who are the lesser earner or SAHM saying "unless you plan for divorce I don't see why they should be separate". Well, who the hell plans for divorce, a husband can just up & leave one day (or die) & then what do you do?
What do you do if your money source decides to cut you off, cancel your card to their account or has formed a drug/gambling habit without your knowledge (it happens & quite often the wife is the last to know) & one day you find your home being repossessed or not enough for food for the kids in the bank account but you have nothing in your own name or even a small personal fund for any emergency. Starting out again with no personal credit score will make it hard to even get a rental agreement or an overdraft if needed.
Really, there is nothing unromantic with both spouses having a joint account for bills & then personal accounts for their own spending money.
And if you are the lesser earner where your spouse expects you to pay fully half of all bills but you still do most of the household, childcare type work then personally I would send them a monthly invoice based on hours worked at the local pay scale for that type of job.0 -
separate finances based on what each can afford. If you earn more, you pay more toward joint expenses. I dont think A should be paying off B's debt!
I beleive in retaining independence within a relationship, but its got to be dealth with in a fair way when there's such a huge discepencey in earnings.
Good luck :flowerforyou:0 -
I live with my partner (not married) and we share finances.
My money + his money = Total
Total - all the bills&expenses = Leftover money
Leftover / 2 = money each.
We do money each, mainly because I like to shop, but I'd feel bad if I went and bought looooads if it was coming out of "our" money. So this is the guilt free way
But all the bills and money put aside for food is all sorted first from the total, as soon as we get paid, so we don't have a set amount that we pay each towards that. 0 -
For the majority of my 18 year, happy marriage, my salary has been at least double my husband's. I absolutely believe you need to join finances and be involved in managing them together.
We are partners in life, therefore; partners in everything.
It's a matter of respect and trust. If you can't trust your spouse with the finances, you need to take a hard look at your relationship.0 -
Not technicially married but we have been together for 13 years and officially living together for 6 of them. We have a joint account that we pay equal amounts of dollars into every month that covers all living expenses, childcare, and health insurance. Our own bills are our own bills. However, there is only a 10k difference in our pay, so it's not a big deal and evens out in the end. In your circumstance I would say A) pay 70% of total living expenses and
pays 30% that would be fair. Put that amount into a joint checking account and keep the rest seperate. I am the one with the most "outside" expenses and I don't think that it would be fair to for my partner to pay for those. 0 -
agree here...ours were separate until we got married.The way I see it is up until marriage all finances could be kept seperate. Once married, finances should be joined. You are a "joined" couple, so everything should be joined.0
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No matter what our incomes were when hubby and I got married our checks went into 1 acct and we payeed ALL the bills out of that, if there was anything left we could do something fun or put it aside...I can see where money is a hugh topic in some marriages. A should have thought harder about marrying apparently, if B's earning potential was the same after marriage as before.
In some states, once your married you marry them AND their debt even if you divorce...you get their debt...fun huh?0 -
the wife and I chose eachother, as we were at those moments. That means we chose all things. How we do it is that there are 3 accounts. The majority of our paychecks are deposited into the Joint account. We each also have a personal account which we use for gas, known prescriptions, chiropractor if needed and we get an allowance. That sounds funny but the wife in an accountant by trade. This way we both have our "own" money that we can spend or blow how we see fit. All the money in the joint account is then used for bills or savings for the house. This keeps us from inadvertantly overdrawing that joint account with both of us using it.
I don't personally care about the pay difference. I make more than her, and a few years ago I found out that she was giving herself a smaller allowance because of it. We both bring something to the union, otherwise it wouldn't work. So in my mind if one person is allowed more of the family money we both work for then that one person is sitting right on the edge of "Better". That just isn't so and will do nothing but cause problems.
Seperate but equal never worked in the real world, why would it work in a family? You have to change the way you think of money if you want to stay together. You can't say "I make" and "she makes", it has to be "The family makes", and ignore which deposits are bigger.0 -
me and my husband have been together 11 years married for 2, we have had a joint bank account (this is our only account) for 5 years (since we lived together) all of our wages are paid into it and all of our bills are joint, he had previous debt but we paid it off together, I earn more but he works just as hard so everything is shared 50/50. We love and trust each other not sharing money was never considered .0
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 1/2 years, and we've had a joint checking account ever since before we even moved in together 6 1/2 years ago. However, we started a small online business together that has grown to where it is both of our full-time jobs now, so the money we make is technically 'ours' anyway. I couldn't imagine trying to keep separate checking accounts now. He and i both have separate savings accounts from before getting the joint one, but we rarely use them.
I do agree with a lot of people who say if A is being stingy while B struggles, there are going to be some major relationship issues down the road. Also, before A & B got married, A knew what he/she was getting into as far as B's lower income. If that was an issue, the event of marriage shouldn't have happened in the first place. Marriage is about complete commitment (well, it use to be in the 'old days,' but not so much anymore). A & B really need to have a long talk and figure this out....0 -
Ask 100 different people the best way to handle money in a relationship, and you are going to get that many different answers. The only right one is the one that works in your relationship. In my relationship, before we got a place together there were many conversations about the best way to handle things that both of us would be comfortable with. It was really important to us to minimize stress later on. We ended up deciding to put part of our incomes into a joint account for bills and keep the rest separate, but that was because of the way our relationship works. Not everyone is going to feel the same or have that be the best way to work things out.
Sit down and talk about the situation. Take some of the suggestions you've read here or things you've thought about and throw them out as possibilities. The only way a money arrangement is going to work is if it is something you both agree to and can both live with.0 -
I think that is pretty dysfunctional in my honest opinion. Having separate finances is fine, but it's a partnership now, not an "I do this, and you only do that" sort of thing. I mean, A & B need to sit down and have a serious discussion about this marriage... that just sounds, incredibly awkward to me.. the whole situation.
This. I think the financial issue is symtomatic of a deeper issue in the relationship. It's not really about the money . ..0 -
been married 23 years
we keep everything seperate
the only thing we own jointly is the house
i pay certain bill plus my own credit cards (him the mortagage electric car ins etc, me cell phone, cable, all the kids clothes, groceries etc)
he pays certain things & his own credit cards
if i have the money & i want to buy a $400 dollar pair of shoes, i do it, he can do the same
we dont even have a joint savings, we each have our own
we both work and as long as the bills we are rsponsible for are paid our $ is ours to do whatever we want with0 -
Once married I think finances should be joined, but separate accounts maintained for saving, investments, and (important) separate accounts for each individual's own spending/play money.
If a couple were to decide NOT to join accounts, then the only way it can work is that if each is paying a percentage of their income into a common house account where the bills get paid from.
Person A could still complain that they're paying more, but that would mean that they're a jerk and Person B should leave them because Person A is a substandard human being.0 -
Oh, my! There are a million responses to this question, and I don't have time to read them all to see if someone has already suggested these books: Financial Peace Revisited or Total Money Makeover, both best sellers by Dave Ramsey.
If I were you, I would get my hands on one book or the other and read it today. These ideas changed my financial life.0 -
It's always about the money.I think that is pretty dysfunctional in my honest opinion. Having separate finances is fine, but it's a partnership now, not an "I do this, and you only do that" sort of thing. I mean, A & B need to sit down and have a serious discussion about this marriage... that just sounds, incredibly awkward to me.. the whole situation.
This. I think the financial issue is symtomatic of a deeper issue in the relationship. It's not really about the money . ..
If it was not about the money, the topic would not even come up.
Those with money are always having to defend their finances from others with less who think they're entitled.
That's reality.0 -
I have been married twice, and both times we had "his/hers/ours" accounts. The joint account was for all the joint expenses: mortgage/rent, groceries, utilities, childcare, etc. We each contributed equally but in proportion to our pay. Once all bills, savings, etc was taken care of, whatever money we each had left was ours to spend on whatever we wanted without the other one questioning it. ( "Do really need another pair of black shoes?" "These aren't black, they are ebony.") I can't say it was always 100% successful and prevented snarky little comments about "my money", but for the most part it was fine. I also think BOTH people should be know what the bills are, not one person handling all the bills and continually having to tell the other person NO when they want to buy something that is not in the budget. I didn't expect hubs #2 to sit down with me every week when it was time to pay bills, but sheesh at least 2x a year to be aware of what was what woulda been nice.... (but obviously there were other issues or ex- would not be his first name LOL!!)0
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Personal opinion here and I will catch all kinds of flack for it I am sure however...here goes. If you love someone enough to marry them, why keep everything separate? I am 39 years old, been married over 20 years and not one day of our marriage has anything been separate.
You want something to last, don't go into keeping things separate and having an easy way out of things.
Im at 16 years and feel the EXACT same way. Im so happy that so many people have the same thinking on this in this Thread!0 -
In my opinion...
1. There's no Right or Wrong way to work finances between couples. Like most matters of a purely private matter, what works for them depends on their personalities, situation, personal and "as a couple"-goals, etc. So there's no single answer that can come from someone else.
2. It strikes me as spiteful and vicious for one person to throw their financial 'superiority' in the other's face. Heck, this isn't nice to do to a perfect stranger, let alone someone with whom you've bonded - its hitting below the belt. It kinda sounds like someone has resentment issues.
3. I've seen couples successfully work their finances a thousand different ways; and quite frankly, I wonder how many of them do it. To my mindset (my own personal preferences), once a couple has romantically and practically bonded (moved in, committed to the long haul, etc.) all financial matters are combined. That financial aspect becomes "Us" - of course this can only work if neither party ends up feeling "cheated".0 -
truth is not all unicorns and rainbows.....
Sounds like a problem only for B who wants to sink her hands in A's wallet.I need advice people!!
If you are married/living with a partner and have different paygrades; lets say for example A) makes 100,000 and makes 30,000
Before they got married they kept finances seperate. But now that they are married their finances are still seperate. Except A)pays most of the bills and pays for the childcare, groceries and home exspenses + cooks & cleans. A & B still have their own seperate bills from before they were married too!!
It is causing problems because A) always puts it in's face that A) pays most of the bills! When & where do you draw the line? Is this not healthy or fair? Should their finances be combined!? I need help....
Thanks!
If it's all about love and not money, B just needs to keep her fangs out of A's money.
When people start making issues of money, love goes out the window.
But if it's such an issue that B just can't go on, divorce A, and marry another B-type broke person.
You can share misery equally.
Wow! Thanks alot! But then again I figure there would be a percentage of people who thought like you!
This guy is a jerk. It's a good thing it's a small percentage that think like that.
Obviously you are contributing more to the household than just financially. My husband and I keep things separate. He makes more money than I do and pays most of the bills but has never throw it in my face. We're partners in life and are there to help and support each other in any way that we are able. I wish you luck in resolving this issue. Money is always such a touchy subject.
I really agree ^ Thank you!
Sorry if I am coming across harsh.
You and I are actually in the same boat.
My wife is richer...lol
Good luck with it; to each their own.0 -
Perfect system!!1I'm a firm believer in combining however keep a set amount seperate each month. My husband and I have a joint chequing and saving's account but each month we have an alloted amount for each of us (Cash!!) this way though everything is combined you still have some independence and freedom with some of your own money. ie lunches or dinners out, shopping or gifts around holidays etc...
I wish I would have started this when my husband and I got married 14 years ago. It would have saved alot of resentment.
Remember this should be applied to stay at home Moms too. I'm working now but for 12 years home with the kids we had extreme arguments over money.
Good luck to you!!!0 -
I need advice people!!
If you are married/living with a partner and have different paygrades; lets say for example A) makes 100,000 and makes 30,000
Before they got married they kept finances seperate. But now that they are married their finances are still seperate. Except A)pays most of the bills and pays for the childcare, groceries and home exspenses + cooks & cleans. A & B still have their own seperate bills from before they were married too!!
It is causing problems because A) always puts it in's face that A) pays most of the bills! When & where do you draw the line? Is this not healthy or fair? Should their finances be combined!? I need help....
Thanks!
We joined ours together as soon as we got married. It's good to have a second checking account for "unforeseen" expenses, but other than that everything should be together. And "A" should not be throwing the amount of money they make in anyone's face!! Personally, that shows disrespect on their part. What's theirs is yours' and vise versa.
Just my opinion though.0 -
They should be one! When i got married i didnt work so he made all the money and i spent it and paid all the bills! I'm now working part time after 7yrs of not working and my money just goes into our 1 account and goes towards everything and i still pay bills and spend most the money lol0
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i think what you are saying is you would like your own money to spend and not feel that you have to tell your partner every single amount spent
why not put all money into a joint account to pay bills and childcare etc
then make an allowance for both you and your partner and some for the children when they are older
if you both sit down and work this out there may be a few initial arguements but it can be sorted
everyone out there in a partnership must have the same problems
be brave and confront it, you may find you both have the same worries
good luck0 -
wow. my bf & I (40&50 y/o) just moved in together after 4 yrs & just got engaged too. He is not making much money now although he is used to make 250k a yr while I have never made more than 30K a yr. we don't have any kids together, & I basically "work" for him @ a company he owns. we never fight about who pays what...it is all OUR money & that is the way it should be. Unless one person is irresponsible then I don't know why it should ever be an issue. sounds like your bf may be a little immature & hostile. I do have a separate account from my bf & he never bats an eye when I buy ridiculous crap (although I'm sure he doesn't see any need to buy what I do, but who is he to say anything? I'd never make him feel bad for spending money). Sounds like your man needs to think about himself & what he's doing to your relationship/family. you should always support one another & NEVER denigrate each other to the children. They always need to see a united front no matter what you may talk about privately.Good luck0
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There should never be A or B when you get married there should just be 1. There should be trust that both of you love and trust each other enough to have 1 account and now your married you should never try to make the other person ever feel bad about anything weight, money etc... You loved them enough to say I do right??0
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I pay X% towards expenses, partner also pays X% towards expenses.
Nobody should be holding it over someone that they pay more money while also making several times the amount of the other person. They would be trying to belittle you or using it to get their own way.
That would be bullying.
Edit: Also, I believe finances should be separate, I have no business telling my partner what he does with the rest of his money, he has no business telling me what to do with mine. I wouldn't give up control of my finances to anybody else, doesn't matter who they are.0 -
Just my opinion, but once tallies and comparisons start being made in one arena, it can easily spread to others. Who does the laundry more often? Do the kids "belong" more to one spouse, than another according to who contributes NON-FINANCIALLY the most, (and yes, this is a question that can come up in a divorce!), who puts in more time with family, and so on and so forth. Here's what I would do (and did):
1) Personally, I'd recommend getting one joint chequing account, and ditch everything else. I would also ensure that the title to the house is joint, and that all investments are also jointly held.
2) Next, I'd give the other spouse some readings of "Capitalist Patriarchy and the Case for Socialist Feminism" which is a collection of essays assembled by Zillah R. Eisenstein, from 1978. The thrust of the articles (to me, anyway) seem to be about the lack of ecomonic value placed on the work that is traditionally done by marginalized groups, such as women. If the work women did that is traditionally non-paid, actually was paid according to the economic worth it represents, it would bring women to a position of equality.
3) Since you are essentially having a dispute over labour, who's is worth more, who's entitled to more, I'd go on strike until there has been a renegotiation of the terms of agreement. Wash only yours and the kid's clothes/dishes, etc.. Make dinner for only you and the kids. See how that flies, when we nickle and dime every action and every dollar. In my opinion, only classless people do this. Then get couples counselling.
4) Lastly, I'd remind my partner that the best marriages work when each party to the marriage puts the other person first.
5) p.s. I'd also work hard at not resorting to emotional eating. This situation would drive me to eat, not drink.
Of course, probably all my suggestions would only aggravate the situation. So you're probably best to ignore me.
Blessings and best wishes as you work this all out.0
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