My boyfriend is missing

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  • Whaleluvr
    Whaleluvr Posts: 156 Member
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    Hey everyone, thank you all so much for your overwhelming support. Really, I was not expecting all of this. What an amazing group.

    So here's what happened:

    After the police was NO HELP (even after I tell them he's suicidal) and tells me he's probably just 'hooking up'. They seemed to pretend to take down a description, but no vehicle information whatsoever.

    I called my sister in law, she came right over and lent me her car to go look for him while she stayed at my apartment with the kiddo.

    I found the car at the bar, completely empty, and I felt so sick. I drove around to various places I thought he might be, with no luck. A friend of mine works in homicidal/suicidal investigation assured me she hadn't had any calls in the area.

    I called all the hospitals, no one had him as a patient.

    Around 6 am a loud BANG hit my bedroom window...I opened the door and sure enough, there was my boyfriend, drunk as a loon, soaking wet (it had started raining) and a bit dirty. He is shivering and soaked, I tried to get him to change out of his clothes but he just crashed in the bed and is much bigger than I.

    To be honest I'm more pissed than anything for him putting me through this. His phone and wallet were in his coat, but I can't find his debit card or the car keys. I am SO mad about that as I have to take his grandma to work in the morning...I don't know what I'm going to tell her, she's worried as it is and I hate to stress her out worse.

    I guess I'll just tell her he crashed out and I don't know where he put the keys...? Buh...

    My SIL told me to call my brother in the morning to help with the car situation (grandma has an extra set of keys), but I just HATE being a burden to everyone. I really do.

    I'm trying to calm myself down, for now, but I know this day is just going to be awful. I'm so hurt, angry, embarrassed....*sigh*




    Telling the grandmother he passed out don't know where he put the keys!!!! WHY WOULD YOU LIE FOR THIS MAN??????? The more you PROTECT him, the WORSE he will get!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAKE UP!!! If not for you, FOR YOUR DAUGHTER!!!! Get him help!!!!
  • tam120
    tam120 Posts: 444 Member
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    I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

    You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

    I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

    Good advice.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Hey everyone, thank you all so much for your overwhelming support. Really, I was not expecting all of this. What an amazing group.

    So here's what happened:

    After the police was NO HELP (even after I tell them he's suicidal) and tells me he's probably just 'hooking up'. They seemed to pretend to take down a description, but no vehicle information whatsoever.

    I called my sister in law, she came right over and lent me her car to go look for him while she stayed at my apartment with the kiddo.

    I found the car at the bar, completely empty, and I felt so sick. I drove around to various places I thought he might be, with no luck. A friend of mine works in homicidal/suicidal investigation assured me she hadn't had any calls in the area.

    I called all the hospitals, no one had him as a patient.

    Around 6 am a loud BANG hit my bedroom window...I opened the door and sure enough, there was my boyfriend, drunk as a loon, soaking wet (it had started raining) and a bit dirty. He is shivering and soaked, I tried to get him to change out of his clothes but he just crashed in the bed and is much bigger than I.

    To be honest I'm more pissed than anything for him putting me through this. His phone and wallet were in his coat, but I can't find his debit card or the car keys. I am SO mad about that as I have to take his grandma to work in the morning...I don't know what I'm going to tell her, she's worried as it is and I hate to stress her out worse.

    I guess I'll just tell her he crashed out and I don't know where he put the keys...? Buh...

    My SIL told me to call my brother in the morning to help with the car situation (grandma has an extra set of keys), but I just HATE being a burden to everyone. I really do.

    I'm trying to calm myself down, for now, but I know this day is just going to be awful. I'm so hurt, angry, embarrassed....*sigh*

    You know, a lot of people will tell you that you should dump him. That he is a loser and you are wasting your time. I'm going to take the standpoint that you need to talk to him about getting some counseling. Try to persuade him to get some help. Then, if you have done all you can for him, then you must walk away for the sake of your child. I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband, and life was completely insane and inevitably spun completely out of control. I stayed too long. Don't walk away if you have hope, but don't let his chaos spin you out of control either. I'm glad he is okay and I wish you both all the best.
  • loombeav
    loombeav Posts: 391 Member
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    I am so sorry you are dealing with this! I've been there. To those asking why you didn't stop him or he wasn't on antidepressants, you've obviously never dealt personally with an alcoholic before. Even though their behavior says otherwise, they are adults and can not be controlled. If an alcoholic is set on getting drunk there is nothing anyone can do to stop them. It is a disease, a completely devastating one.
    My heart goes out to your family, I remember all too well what those nights felt like, the anger, worry and embarrassment. Thankfully my loved one is clean and sober, going on 2 years this time, but days/nights like your descirbing are never forgotten.
  • dsn1118
    dsn1118 Posts: 15 Member
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    I'm glad someone else mentioned Al-Anon. Please look up a meeting in your area. It is a wonderful program and can help you in ways you can't even imagine.
  • JennieAL
    JennieAL Posts: 1,726 Member
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    I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

    You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

    I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

    This X 10. My father was a suicidal alcoholic. Put us through hell. One of the best things that ever happened to me was that his third suicide attempt was successful. Sounds harsh, but that was when the physical, and emotional, abuse finally stopped. My mother wouldn't leave him, no matter what he did to me.

    My mom was a suicidal alcoholic as well... She finally managed to off herself only two years ago.

    OP... Since you aren't married to this man, now is the time for you to make the hard decisions. Alcoholics cause life to be a living hell for those closest to them. And you've seen some of that hell tonight. Dont think you can ever change this man.

    I waited for my mom to change my whole life and she hurt me and my family right up until the end... And is still hurting us in death. It never goes away.

    You are in a fortunate position right now. He may change, he may not. Just know your responsibility to protect your child and yourself.
  • Finally22
    Finally22 Posts: 305 Member
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    I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

    You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

    I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

    First of all - thank god he is ok. I was checking every few minutes to see if there was any news... didn't do a thing at work all day... And second - must agree with the advice above. YOU don't deserve to be put through something like that. Some tough love maybe would help him.
  • beautifulme32
    beautifulme32 Posts: 42
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    Why would you let him go if he's an alcoholic. I know you're stressed but honestly. If my bf was suicidal and an alcoholic I wouldn't let him go out to a bar or i'd atleast go with him

    Trust me, I didn't want him to go. I tried to stop him. We also have a small child at home, I can't just get up and go with him.
    I don't think its right to blame her after all he is an adult and makes his own choices, nor can she leave her child alone to go sit with him at a bar.
  • beautifulme32
    beautifulme32 Posts: 42
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    I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

    You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

    I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

    First of all - thank god he is ok. I was checking every few minutes to see if there was any news... didn't do a thing at work all day... And second - must agree with the advice above. YOU don't deserve to be put through something like that. Some tough love maybe would help him.
    I agree
  • shellyt1
    shellyt1 Posts: 119
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    Call the police! Check with all his friends and if you can't leave have family or friends check out places he likes to go!
  • VTXJOCKEY
    VTXJOCKEY Posts: 362 Member
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    This was an amazing thread. This poor girl who is just beside herself comes on here looking for support and peace of mind. The majority of you provided that to her. I applaud you. But.... there's alway's those insensitive people who have to put in their two cents. Obviously, their Mom never told them if they didn't have something useful to say, just keep their mouth shut. I was just amazed by the amount of drama that surfaced from this cry for help. I'm glad your BF made it home safely. And I do think when he sobers up, you def need to put your foot down. Best of luck to you!
  • scotslass
    scotslass Posts: 317
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    I am so so glad he is safe and well!! There is nothing worse than that stomach churning feeling. big hugs to you and your little girl xxxxxx
  • chrissym78
    chrissym78 Posts: 628 Member
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    Wow! Sorry you're going through this! I gotta say though, you can't make a leopard change his spots. I agree with some others that it's ultimatum time. You have to protect yourself and your child and NO ONE should put you through this crap! Good luck to you!
  • Cheryl943
    Cheryl943 Posts: 83
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    I am so sorry you are going through this. Please ignore any posting that makes you feel like you are responsible for your BF's choices. You could not stop him from doing whatever it is he decided to do. I am glad you have reported this to the police. You can also call his therapist and see if they can also speak to the officer. Sometimes their opinion is more respected than a loved one, saying someone may be a danger to themselves. Start circling the troops around you. You need all the support you can get right now.

    Alanon is a great resource for families of abusers. I hope he is found safe and sound so you can hold him responsible for his actions and the stress he caused. Intervention time? Good luck and I hope all turns out well for you and your family.
  • grinch031
    grinch031 Posts: 1,679
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    Can't say I blame the police for not putting out a community manhunt for this guy. I'm sure they deal with drunks/drug addicts who disappear for hours all the time.

    Anyways my advice is to not do this guy any more favors. The only help he needs from you is support during rehab. If he doesn't straighten up soon, I'd ditch him. Your life will probably be a lot better without someone who is abusing substances and causing everyone problems.

    Good luck, glad he is at least ok.
  • mleoni092708
    mleoni092708 Posts: 629 Member
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    I'm glad he is safe. I have refrained from commenting until I heard the outcome, but now I will take the unpopular viewpoint.

    You are 21 yrs old. Don't spend the next decade or so babysitting this guy just because he is your baby's daddy. When he sobers up, give him an ultimatum. Get counselling. For both you and him and then as a couple.

    I don't care how much you think you love him; once you became a Mother your priorities changed. Your baby is better off with no father than a alcoholic suicidal father. Don't let him drag you down.

    I'm so glad they found him ok. I'm sorry, but I agree with the above dear. You can't keep living like this. It's not fair to anyone. It's time to force him to take responsibility for himself. Letting him know he will lose you and your daughter might be the kick in the pants he needs to go back to rehab, and get back on antidepressants. Hope things get better soon :)
  • skinnybearlyndsay
    skinnybearlyndsay Posts: 798 Member
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    Glad he's home and safe. Keys and debit cards can be replaced.

    I will echo other advice, though. He NEEDS more help than he has been getting. The counseling is not working. You feel like you're beating your head against a brick wall and it's starting to really hurt. Think of your child - would you want her to grow up thinking that this behavior from a man is acceptable, that it's normal? Once he sobers up, you have to talk to him about what you've been through and, as much as I hate it, give him an ultimatum. You and your BF have a child together and if he's not ready or willing to be a positive role model for her, then it's time to walk.

    Keep us updated on what happens, please. Prayers will continue to be said for you and your family.
  • Angela_Freeborn
    Angela_Freeborn Posts: 62
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    Thought id read through all posts first..
    I cant say i know what you are going through, however you have quite a bit of good support and great people who care here :) No need to be embarassed, or feel like your a burdon, We all have our own situations at some point in our lifetime were we look to others for "support". Im glad he is home no matter what condition he may be in, main thing is he is home safe. And as an adult yourself im sure you will do what you feel is right from here on, not what others feel you should or should'nt have done/do :) Time is what everyone needs no matter the situation, take it day by day and you will determine what path you feel you should make... Take care hun.
  • AmyNaylor7205
    AmyNaylor7205 Posts: 45 Member
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    Glad to hear that he is home and safe. BUT I WOULD BE PISSED TOO!! After he sobers up, I would give him an ultimatum.. Either he gets help, or you and your kid are leaving.

    Thats what I would do anyways. I wouldnt want my child growing up in situations like that. I'm not saying you should throw him down, you should be supportive to him if he decides to get help. But if he does not, it is your MOST IMPORTANT RESPONSIBILITY to take care of you and your child!

    GOOD LUCK!
  • MelanieAG05
    MelanieAG05 Posts: 359 Member
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    Just been reading through this thread..........what wonderful support you have all (almost all!) given this lady in her time of need. Its is a credit to MFP. And then to give practical advice at the end as well........Fantastic!!

    I used to have a b/f who suffered depression and, no matter what support I gave him he just would not help himself and in the end I left him to it and moved on with my life. I wasted 2 years thinking I could help/support him and got nothing in return and he was dragging me down. The main reason I left him was because I have a son who at the time was 3 and this b/f (not son's father) was having a negative impact on his life as well.........

    I really hope that your man buys into the support you give him and helps himself eventually.

    Good luck for the future :flowerforyou:
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