Dr. Phil - Open Marriage
Replies
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Just had a realization over lunch, all of the polyamorous/open relationship folk I know work hard for social causes, kids with autism, violence shelters, animal rights and such... and ask for very little in return. If I had to paint them all with a single description it would be "more generous and compassionate than usual".
I think some people just have more love to go around in general.
Maybe the world would be a nicer place if there were more people like that.
I think I
you.
Agreed. Even in the BDSM lifestlye, I find people are generally more accepting and friendly. More love to share!
A lot more trust goes into a proper BDSM relationship/lifestyle than a vanilla one.
Of course.. this is the sub in me speaking, but it's true.
Just to preface--I don't really care what anybody does in their relationship as long as nobody is getting hurt. It's not my relationship!
That said, I think to refer to all relationships that are not BDSM or open or I guess non-conventional as "vanilla" aka "boring" is pretty unfair. I may be in a conventional monogamous relationship, but I'd hardly call anything about us (or our sex life) "vanilla" or "boring"
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I need to stop reading posts like this one. It always makes me deeply sad that so many people are "ok with" or think it's "fine if it works for them". There seems to be no higher standard for anyone as long as people are "happy". There's more to life than being happy, and in my opinion, it cheapens the human experience to spend all of life only seeking after happiness.
Seeking happiness cheapens the human experience? So...do you seek to be miserable, instead?
I don't know about anyone else, but I strive for happiness. Everything I do is to further my happiness, either in the present or for the future. I feel my human experience is cheapened by things that do interfere with my happiness, in most cases. To each their own. Why so judgmental?
As for the OP, I personally have never been in an open marriage or relationship, but as long as each party is a consenting adult, I see no issues with it. Why it's even an issue for anyone not involved is beyond me, really.
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Marriage is the commitment between two people - to love, honor, and respect each other forsaking all others and this includes sexual intimacy. Sex is intimate. I'm not going to share my body with anyone outside my marriage. If I want to "spice things up" sexually - I will spice it up with my husband. My husband is of the exact same mindset - otherwise we wouldn't be married. We share with each other things we share with no one else and that includes our bodies. I'm not interested in a cheap thrill.
Look up the marriage. You are looking at the christian/catholic view. Not all of us are religious.
This is true - and you are right, that is my own definition of marriage... others have a different definition.
I just think personally that those who say "it's just sex" and "it doesn't mean anything" are kidding themselves - it absolutely means something and if it weren't important/significant than you wouldn't do it. It's not "just sex" - in fact it's so important that you seek satisfaction outside your primary commitment. Why is admitting you prioritize sex so hard? Why is admitting you aren't capable of being fulfilled by one person so difficult? Lots of people are like that. Noones definition of love or marriage is exactly the same. I don't personally care, it's just not my thing, but call a spade a spade and don't try to sugarcoat it with a bunch of BS... that I can respect.
Oh goodness! Most of us in the poly community know that sex is actually important to happiness and fulfillment; and we know that it is unfair to ask one person to be everything we need for the rest of our life, no matter how in love and committed you are. We actually take this stuff really seriously. We study what works and what doesn't. We have a magazine AND a newsletter. We are everywhere, and there are lots of us. LOL
But try saying that in public. The bible-thumpers start actually calling you satanic. It's a very alien and rigid mindset, that most of us polys don't want to interact with. The negativity is appalling.0 -
This is where I beg to differ.
I see love as an unconditional act and you love each and every person the SAME.
You are intertwining love, commitment and intimacy and they are in fact 2 separate things.
I love my husband, sisters, brother, dad, uncles, aunts, etc ALL THE SAME. The level of commitment and intimacy in those relationships all differ because of the relationship I have with each one of them.
I love unconditionally.<3<3<3 0 -
If open marraiges work for other couples then good for them. But I got married because I wanted to be with this ONE man for the rest of my life. He fufills me in everyway, he is my best friend, my lover. He is the only one I want to have sex with, no I am not dead, I look at other men, but I don't want to jump into bed with them. I can't wait to get off of work to be with my husband. We do everything together and we have been married for 12 years. I get excited just lby ooking at him and get goose bumps. We can't keep our hands off each other.
In my opinion if you want to be with different people, then stay single.0 -
FWIW, despite what people think of body builders and other people like myself, I'm monogamous and always have been. I've had less partners than you can count on one hand. I don't, nor ever cheat.
However, I fully support open marriages. I actually appreciate the fact that society as a hole is actually loosening up from Victorian morals which frankly were outdated 100 years ago, let alone now.
For those who desire and agree to an open marriage, I wish them nothing but happiness. Same with monogamous couples. Better to look on and be happy rather than judge.
As for your Christians/Catholics, I'm sure you're all free from any wrong, since you are all ready to cast the first stone.0 -
Just had a realization over lunch, all of the polyamorous/open relationship folk I know work hard for social causes, kids with autism, violence shelters, animal rights and such... and ask for very little in return. If I had to paint them all with a single description it would be "more generous and compassionate than usual".
I think some people just have more love to go around in general.
Maybe the world would be a nicer place if there were more people like that.
I think I you.
Agreed. Even in the BDSM lifestlye, I find people are generally more accepting and friendly. More love to share!
A lot more trust goes into a proper BDSM relationship/lifestyle than a vanilla one.
Of course.. this is the sub in me speaking, but it's true.
Just to preface--I don't really care what anybody does in their relationship as long as nobody is getting hurt. It's not my relationship!
That said, I think to refer to all relationships that are not BDSM or open or I guess non-conventional as "vanilla" aka "boring" is pretty unfair. I may be in a conventional monogamous relationship, but I'd hardly call anything about us (or our sex life) "vanilla" or "boring"
I totally understand - but every subculture needs a word for "them that aren't us". It's like "muggle". Or "square" if you're a hippy.
Vanilla is a delightful flavor, made from the seedpod of a beautiful tropical orchid. A world without vanilla would suck.0 -
Marriage is the commitment between two people - to love, honor, and respect each other forsaking all others and this includes sexual intimacy. Sex is intimate. I'm not going to share my body with anyone outside my marriage. If I want to "spice things up" sexually - I will spice it up with my husband. My husband is of the exact same mindset - otherwise we wouldn't be married. We share with each other things we share with no one else and that includes our bodies. I'm not interested in a cheap thrill.
Look up the marriage. You are looking at the christian/catholic view. Not all of us are religious.
This is true - and you are right, that is my own definition of marriage... others have a different definition.
I just think personally that those who say "it's just sex" and "it doesn't mean anything" are kidding themselves - it absolutely means something and if it weren't important/significant than you wouldn't do it. It's not "just sex" - in fact it's so important that you seek satisfaction outside your primary commitment. Why is admitting you prioritize sex so hard? Why is admitting you aren't capable of being fulfilled by one person so difficult? Lots of people are like that. Noones definition of love or marriage is exactly the same. I don't personally care, it's just not my thing, but call a spade a spade and don't try to sugarcoat it with a bunch of BS... that I can respect.
Oh goodness! Most of us in the poly community know that sex is actually important to happiness and fulfillment; and we know that it is unfair to ask one person to be everything we need for the rest of our life, no matter how in love and committed you are. We actually take this stuff really seriously. We study what works and what doesn't. We have a magazine AND a newsletter. We are everywhere, and there are lots of us. LOL
But try saying that in public. The bible-thumpers start actually calling you satanic. It's a very alien and rigid mindset, that most of us polys don't want to interact with. The negativity is appalling.
Hmmmm - well I actually prefer that you just come out and say it! It's refreshing and I respect that. Just because it's not my thing doesn't mean you're wrong and I'm right.0 -
Just had a realization over lunch, all of the polyamorous/open relationship folk I know work hard for social causes, kids with autism, violence shelters, animal rights and such... and ask for very little in return. If I had to paint them all with a single description it would be "more generous and compassionate than usual".
I think some people just have more love to go around in general.
Maybe the world would be a nicer place if there were more people like that.
I think I you.
Agreed. Even in the BDSM lifestlye, I find people are generally more accepting and friendly. More love to share!
A lot more trust goes into a proper BDSM relationship/lifestyle than a vanilla one.
Of course.. this is the sub in me speaking, but it's true.
Just to preface--I don't really care what anybody does in their relationship as long as nobody is getting hurt. It's not my relationship!
That said, I think to refer to all relationships that are not BDSM or open or I guess non-conventional as "vanilla" aka "boring" is pretty unfair. I may be in a conventional monogamous relationship, but I'd hardly call anything about us (or our sex life) "vanilla" or "boring"
I don't think of vanilla as boring. We occasionally go for vanilla activities and it's not any less boring to me.
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As for your Christians/Catholics, I'm sure you're all free from any wrong, since you are all ready to cast the first stone.
Adultery in the bible (sleeping with someone other than your spouse) is a sin , the bible says we can judge in righteous judgement, so we can judge on the basis of sin.
I think it's odd, but hey, if that's how they want to live their lives, there's nothing I can do about it & I'm not going to hate on the people, but I will voice my opinion.0 -
Just had a realization over lunch, all of the polyamorous/open relationship folk I know work hard for social causes, kids with autism, violence shelters, animal rights and such... and ask for very little in return. If I had to paint them all with a single description it would be "more generous and compassionate than usual".
I think some people just have more love to go around in general.
Maybe the world would be a nicer place if there were more people like that.
I know a ... i don't know what the word for it would be - triple, maybe? Anyway, three people in a permanent relationship with each other. I'm not sure it even applies to this situation, because while it does mean it is outside the defined standards of a relationship, the three of them are entirely devoted to each other and don't have sex with anyone else. BUT - while it is not something that interests me, there is no denying the devotion they have for one another. The love is definitely there. And they are good people.
In addition - Two of them come from wealthy families. One of those is a lawyer who does a lot of pro bono work, and the other runs a non-profit organization for kids. The third is also heavily involved in working with kids from broken homes, which is how they all met. So this poster may have a point. I have no interest in living their life, but they are some of the best people I know, and, for all of those who look askance because of religious questions, I gotta say that I can't see God being too ashamed of them. I'd think He's got His hands full with rapists and murderers and pedophiles at the moment.
They have one child, a baby still. But they plan to make sure he understands their situation as he grows. They know it will be hard; they've talked to me about it. But they love each other and are determined to do whatever it takes to make it work.
So, it isn't a choice I'd make. But not because I think that the people that make the choice are bad. It just needs to be done responsibly, that's all. But doesn't every relationship, even the traditional ones?0 -
FWIW, despite what people think of body builders and other people like myself, I'm monogamous and always have been. I've had less partners than you can count on one hand. I don't, nor ever cheat.
However, I fully support open marriages. I actually appreciate the fact that society as a hole is actually loosening up from Victorian morals which frankly were outdated 100 years ago, let alone now.
For those who desire and agree to an open marriage, I wish them nothing but happiness. Same with monogamous couples. Better to look on and be happy rather than judge.
As for your Christians/Catholics, I'm sure you're all free from any wrong, since you are all ready to cast the first stone.
I whole-heartedly agree with this!!!0 -
As for your Christians/Catholics, I'm sure you're all free from any wrong, since you are all ready to cast the first stone.
Adultery in the bible (sleeping with someone other than your spouse) is a sin in the bible, the bible says we can judge in righteous judgement, so we can judge on the basis of sin.
I think it's odd, but hey, if that's how they want to live their lives, there's nothing I can do about it & I'm not going to hate on the people, but I will voice my opinion.
And the bible is man made, written stories by human beings.............Who knows if they were even translated correctly.0 -
Marriage is the commitment between two people - to love, honor, and respect each other forsaking all others and this includes sexual intimacy. Sex is intimate. I'm not going to share my body with anyone outside my marriage. If I want to "spice things up" sexually - I will spice it up with my husband. My husband is of the exact same mindset - otherwise we wouldn't be married. We share with each other things we share with no one else and that includes our bodies. I'm not interested in a cheap thrill.
Look up the marriage. You are looking at the christian/catholic view. Not all of us are religious.
This is true - and you are right, that is my own definition of marriage... others have a different definition.
I just think personally that those who say "it's just sex" and "it doesn't mean anything" are kidding themselves - it absolutely means something and if it weren't important/significant than you wouldn't do it. It's not "just sex" - in fact it's so important that you seek satisfaction outside your primary commitment. Why is admitting you prioritize sex so hard? Why is admitting you aren't capable of being fulfilled by one person so difficult? Lots of people are like that. Noones definition of love or marriage is exactly the same. I don't personally care, it's just not my thing, but call a spade a spade and don't try to sugarcoat it with a bunch of BS... that I can respect.
Oh goodness! Most of us in the poly community know that sex is actually important to happiness and fulfillment; and we know that it is unfair to ask one person to be everything we need for the rest of our life, no matter how in love and committed you are. We actually take this stuff really seriously. We study what works and what doesn't. We have a magazine AND a newsletter. We are everywhere, and there are lots of us. LOL
But try saying that in public. The bible-thumpers start actually calling you satanic. It's a very alien and rigid mindset, that most of us polys don't want to interact with. The negativity is appalling.
Hmmmm - well I actually prefer that you just come out and say it! It's refreshing and I respect that. Just because it's not my thing doesn't mean you're wrong and I'm right.
I think it is important to remember that some people are just negative anyway. I am in a monogamous relationship. I'm happy that way, and my spouse and I have been together a long time. My spouse and I actually do meet each other's needs, because we communicate to a very high degree about what those are. I have no intention of sharing details, but between the sheets that means total honesty. And we have watched a few porn flicks together. We do experiment and try different things.
To some people, even THAT is satanic. Some people we know would be appalled. Those people aren't worth worrying about.0 -
note to self:
when logic fails, make fun of others to be the wiener.0 -
I dont see anything wrong with if you both agree with.If it makes the relationship work and they are both happy then more power to you.I once had a girlfriend who was into that.We dated for about a year.She got a kick out of seeing me with another woman and it was a lot fun but in the end it didn't work.0
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You know, being unaccepting of those who are OK or IN Open Marriages is (in my book) right up there with those that are unaccepting of gays, other skin colors, other cultures, or other religions. I mean, I have my limits - Pedofilia, necrophilia, rape (etc), but in the scheme of life, this is a non-issue. I can "Live and let live" as far as this one is concerned.0
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Marriage is the commitment between two people - to love, honor, and respect each other forsaking all others and this includes sexual intimacy. Sex is intimate. I'm not going to share my body with anyone outside my marriage. If I want to "spice things up" sexually - I will spice it up with my husband. My husband is of the exact same mindset - otherwise we wouldn't be married. We share with each other things we share with no one else and that includes our bodies. I'm not interested in a cheap thrill.
Look up the marriage. You are looking at the christian/catholic view. Not all of us are religious.
This is true - and you are right, that is my own definition of marriage... others have a different definition.
I just think personally that those who say "it's just sex" and "it doesn't mean anything" are kidding themselves - it absolutely means something and if it weren't important/significant than you wouldn't do it. It's not "just sex" - in fact it's so important that you seek satisfaction outside your primary commitment. Why is admitting you prioritize sex so hard? Why is admitting you aren't capable of being fulfilled by one person so difficult? Lots of people are like that. Noones definition of love or marriage is exactly the same. I don't personally care, it's just not my thing, but call a spade a spade and don't try to sugarcoat it with a bunch of BS... that I can respect.
Oh goodness! Most of us in the poly community know that sex is actually important to happiness and fulfillment; and we know that it is unfair to ask one person to be everything we need for the rest of our life, no matter how in love and committed you are. We actually take this stuff really seriously. We study what works and what doesn't. We have a magazine AND a newsletter. We are everywhere, and there are lots of us. LOL
But try saying that in public. The bible-thumpers start actually calling you satanic. It's a very alien and rigid mindset, that most of us polys don't want to interact with. The negativity is appalling.
Hmmmm - well I actually prefer that you just come out and say it! It's refreshing and I respect that. Just because it's not my thing doesn't mean you're wrong and I'm right.
I think it is important to remember that some people are just negative anyway. I am in a monogamous relationship. I'm happy that way, and my spouse and I have been together a long time. My spouse and I actually do meet each other's needs, because we communicate to a very high degree about what those are. I have no intention of sharing details, but between the sheets that means total honesty. And we have watched a few porn flicks together. We do experiment and try different things.
To some people, even THAT is satanic. Some people we know would be appalled. Those people aren't worth worrying about.
Agree to the highest...........
My husband and I are in an interracial marriage that most people despise and also find appalling. We also experiment and do things between the sheets that would make my mother blush in her grave................(and my mom was a very sexual woman).
I personally believe in doing things to make myself happy first and foremost, then my spouse, family and so on and so forth. So, I have always done my own thing no matter who likes it or not.0 -
You know, being unaccepting of those who are OK or IN Open Marriages is (in my book) right up there with those that are unaccepting of gays, other skin colors, other cultures, or other religions. I mean, I have my limits - Pedofilia, necrophilia, rape (etc), but in the scheme of life, this is a non-issue. I can "Live and let live" as far as this one is concerned.
So just because you don't agree with open marriages, you're on the same level as a racist? Oh my:noway:0 -
You know, being unaccepting of those who are OK or IN Open Marriages is (in my book) right up there with those that are unaccepting of gays, other skin colors, other cultures, or other religions. I mean, I have my limits - Pedofilia, necrophilia, rape (etc), but in the scheme of life, this is a non-issue. I can "Live and let live" as far as this one is concerned.
Amen!!!0 -
Ok, not going to bring up religion or anything like that...
No, I wouldn't. Not because it's a sin or anything like that. If you are open and honest with your partner I think it will be easy for things to work out sexually with the two of you. Most problems in the bedroom happen because people can't tell their partner what their fantasy's are because they are afraid that they will be looked at different. I don't think 3-ways can work in a relationship either. in the words of Steve-o there will always be one of the two your more attractive to, if it's your wife, why bring in the other girl, if it's the other girl then there is going to be a problem. I believe that goes the other way as well. Another reason why I personally wouldn't want it is because 50% of Americans have HPV. There are all kinds of problems that can cause from serious to minor and I never want to have to deal with that. I have a friend who has to see an OB because her HPV causes cysts on her ovaries and she has to go in every 3 months to get them removed. Neither I or my husband have HPV and that mainly has to deal with the fact that my husband and I have only been with each other.
Note: this is for me, not for anyone else, different strokes for different folks...0 -
Ok, not going to bring up religion or anything like that...
No, I wouldn't. Not because it's a sin or anything like that. If you are open and honest with your partner I think it will be easy for things to work out sexually with the two of you. Most problems in the bedroom happen because people can't tell their partner what their fantasy's are because they are afraid that they will be looked at different. I don't think 3-ways can work in a relationship either. in the words of Steve-o there will always be one of the two your more attractive to, if it's your wife, why bring in the other girl, if it's the other girl then there is going to be a problem. I believe that goes the other way as well. Another reason why I personally wouldn't want it is because 50% of Americans have HPV. There are all kinds of problems that can cause from serious to minor and I never want to have to deal with that. I have a friend who has to see an OB because her HPV causes cysts on her ovaries and she has to go in every 3 months to get them removed. Neither I or my husband have HPV and that mainly has to deal with the fact that my husband and I have only been with each other.
Note: this is for me, not for anyone else, different strokes for different folks...
This!!0 -
You know, being unaccepting of those who are OK or IN Open Marriages is (in my book) right up there with those that are unaccepting of gays, other skin colors, other cultures, or other religions. I mean, I have my limits - Pedofilia, necrophilia, rape (etc), but in the scheme of life, this is a non-issue. I can "Live and let live" as far as this one is concerned.
So just because you don't agree with open marriages, you're on the same level as a racist? Oh my:noway:
There is always value in knowing, how the other side sees you....0 -
to be or not to be
and if it is to be
selfless, or selfish
:flup:0 -
So just because you don't agree with open marriages, you're on the same level as a racist? Oh my:noway:
[/quote]
I think that what he's trying to say is that INTOLERANCE of any kind is not a good thing. There's a difference between disagreement and judgement. Disagreement is cool; letting it progress to judgement would be intolerant, and wrong. As is racism.0 -
You know, being unaccepting of those who are OK or IN Open Marriages is (in my book) right up there with those that are unaccepting of gays, other skin colors, other cultures, or other religions. I mean, I have my limits - Pedofilia, necrophilia, rape (etc), but in the scheme of life, this is a non-issue. I can "Live and let live" as far as this one is concerned.
So just because you don't agree with open marriages, you're on the same level as a racist? Oh my:noway:
In my book, yes. People that are judgmental towards others are the same people that are usually discriminatory by nature also.
Open mind = open heart. Closed mind = closed heart0 -
Yep, this thread will be closed soon.
:laugh:
This!!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
So just because you don't agree with open marriages, you're on the same level as a racist? Oh my:noway:
I think that what he's trying to say is that INTOLERANCE of any kind is not a good thing. There's a difference between disagreement and judgement. Disagreement is cool; letting it progress to judgement would be intolerant, and wrong. As is racism.
[/quote] 0 -
You know, being unaccepting of those who are OK or IN Open Marriages is (in my book) right up there with those that are unaccepting of gays, other skin colors, other cultures, or other religions. I mean, I have my limits - Pedofilia, necrophilia, rape (etc), but in the scheme of life, this is a non-issue. I can "Live and let live" as far as this one is concerned.
So just because you don't agree with open marriages, you're on the same level as a racist? Oh my:noway:
In my book, yes. People that are judgmental towards others are the same people that are usually discriminatory by nature also.
Open mind = open heart. Closed mind = closed heart
I personally don't agree with Open Marriage & I am strictly against racism/ableism (all that), so please, don't jump to conclusions. Just because I think the Marital bed should not be shared with anyone that isn't married to you (but do what you want, it's your life, just 'cos I don't agree with it doesn't mean I'm gonna stop you), does not mean I advocate racism! That's ridiculous.0 -
Saying "I don't want an open marriage for myself" is totally cool.
Saying "I think that open marriage is bad for society" is annoying, but fine to debate endlessly about.
Saying "Open marriage is bad for everyone and there's something wrong with you" is busted judgmental crap.0
This discussion has been closed.
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