Dr. Phil - Open Marriage

MFPAddict

The world would be a much better place if people would learn to mind their own f'ing business.

I agree, but this family did go on tv and tell their business.

The only reason shows like his exist is because people are consumed with other people's business.

If we had a "live and let live" society, reality & talk shows wouldn't exist. No one would care who the baby's daddy is, or who is sleeping with who.

And on a side note, Go Steelers and was in your area last night.

bigdawg025

I have mixed feelings on this... however, I think if it works for the people involved then it's perfectly fine.

The reason so many people look down on the whole open marriage concept is because SOCIETY has beat it into their heads their entire lives (yup... all of us... whatever SOCIETY says goes... and traditions, etc.)

I myself know that I'm far too jealous of a person for such a relationship to work for me. That may ALSO be something I've actually LEARNED from years of being brainwashed by SOCIETY.

Who are we to judge what anyone does behind closed doors provided there isn't child abuse, physical abuse, etc. involved??? To each their own.

I also agree with the person that said humans are not predisposed to monogamy. We are essentially animals... which from a male standpoint means that our very instinct is to "plant our seed" in as many places as possible. Not everything is as black and white as some here are suggesting.

recriger

I think if I see one more "why get married then" response, I may officially give up hope on the human race...

I don't understand those responses either.

I think that come from the fact that, for a lot of people, marriage insinuates 2 people. During my enlistment I went to several marriages all over the country and even 1 in Japan. All of them had a variation of "forsaking all others" in the vows. San Diego, Memphis, Kansas City, Cincinnati, Jacksonville, Orlando and Aboline Tx to name a few. I lived in all these places (except Texas) during my enlistment as well. That's a fairly wide swath of america, so I've met all kinds. The only couples I knew who had multiple partners chose not to get married due to the generally accepted promise to "Foresake all others". I hadn't heard the term "Open marriage" until last year. There are probably a lot of people like me who didn't realize that this philosophy was wide spread.

MFPAddict

The world would be a much better place if people would learn to mind their own f'ing business.

I agree, but this family did go on tv and tell their business.

yeah i could care less what they do as well, along with a lot of other crap that goes on in peoples lives/bedrooms, but dont go splashing it in every public outlet...gezzzzz

Perhaps to educate people so they aren't met with such judgement and criticism?

^^^ THIS ^^^

grinch031

I need to stop reading posts like this one. It always makes me deeply sad that so many people are "ok with" or think it's "fine if it works for them". There seems to be no higher standard for anyone as long as people are "happy". There's more to life than being happy, and in my opinion, it cheapens the human experience to spend all of life only seeking after happiness.

Should we spend our lives being miserable? Because I know that's what I was for YEARS in my previous relationship. Should I have stuck it out because there is "more to life"?

Your logic is flawed. If you do what makes you happy, and what makes the people you love happy (while within the laws of our communities) than thats what it's all about.

Definitely not - obviously your previous relationship wasn't right for you. I just don't see why there is any reason to marry if you don't want to commit to that one person in every way. Sex is intimate - people always say it's "just sex" but if it's so trivial and if your relationship is so wonderful and truly isn't lacking something somewhere - why go outside of it? The relationship IS lacking something - whether it's excitement, thrills, sexual satisfaction, whatever you want to call it = simply put: going outside the relationship means you want/need something from someone else outside the relationship, otherwise you wouldn't do it.

I'm in full agreement there are some who monogamy does not and will never work for... but you don't have to get married. I'm not condemning anyone, I just don't get it.

Its called boredom. Some people find sex with one person boring and un-fulfilling. You may not understand that, but its reality for many people. There is more to marriage than just the sexual intimacy as well, which is why its perfectly fine to get married AND have sexual relations outside of marriage. Its not for everyone, but it can benefit some couples where everyone is happy. Why refrain from doing something that is win-win for everyone? Makes no sense.

birdieintx

And for all y'all that are insisiting a valid marriage includes two people who are committed to each other I hope you're at leasting voting to legalize gay marriage in your states.

rybo

I think it's a million times more healthy to be in an open marriage where both parties were happy & filling thier sexual needs, as opposed to a loveless, sexless marriage that many people seem to accept as normal these days.

EmCarroll1990

And for all y'all that are insisiting a valid marriage includes two people who are committed to each other I hope you're at leasting voting to legalize gay marriage in your states.

I have been wondering when a gay marriage comment was going to arise.

pinuplove

We ALL agree that watching porn with an 11yo and sharing intimate details of your sexual life with a child it wrong, and abusive. If Dr. Phil didn't call those parents in to CPS, he is more of a git than I thought. Do not try to pass that off as normal behaviour in an open/poly relationship, because it isn't. Those people must have been real whack-a-doodles if that was going on.

Some of us can't imagine the idea of an open relationship. Some of us think it's ok for others but not our cup of tea. And some of live it and are still normal, respectable people. Nobody is asking anybody to change their lifestyle! Just open your mind enough to admit that MAYBE what happens in (or out) of other people's marriages is none of your business.

grinch031

And for all y'all that are insisiting a valid marriage includes two people who are committed to each other I hope you're at leasting voting to legalize gay marriage in your states.

I am perfectly fine with gay marriage. I would support polygamy except for the tax benefit and health care complications would get out of hand. I would be okay with all marriage being abolished and only being represented through the churches. Wouldn't bother me one bit. I definitely don't like the bigoted approach though where straights and gays are treated differently.

Oh and I just realized you're talking about the people who aren't okay with open marriages.

trixirn

The world would be a much better place if people would learn to mind their own f'ing business.

I agree, but this family did go on tv and tell their business.

The only reason shows like his exist is because people are consumed with other people's business.

If we had a "live and let live" society, reality & talk shows wouldn't exist. No one would care who the baby's daddy is, or who is sleeping with who.

And on a side note, Go Steelers and was in your area last night.

That's true and I make it a point NEVER to watch these shows because if there were no audience there would be no show. I also would never go on these shows. I am actually more upset that they went on tv about it than their actual lifestyle choice. lol. Only thing that makes Pittsburgh winter tolerable is my Steelers football!!

_binary_jester_

One last thing. For all those who toss up their hands and state why get married, it took me all of 5 seconds to come up with these reasons:

taxes obviously
insurance coverage (love those multiple policy discounts)
health insurance coverage for children
I know the fed govt give married couples more benefits than single people
Retirement and social security for spouses

I am sure there are more, but that's what I could come up with

fbmandy55

I think it's a million times more healthy to be in an open marriage where both parties were happy & filling thier sexual needs, as opposed to a loveless, sexless marriage that many people seem to accept as normal these days.

THIS^ I pity the fool who gets to do it missionary, once every 2-3 months with his wife. Do you think he'd ever tell her he's unhappy, probably not.

I don't condone cheating but I have to wonder what women expect when they hold out on their husbands. Or vice versa.


I'd rather have a happy satifying sex life and relationship that my partner and I agree on. Anyone who thinks differently is either exceptionally lucky that neither partner wants to explore or insanely jealous.

hdroddy

I would never want an open marriage. I'm truly blessed in my own marriage in that my spouse and I are able to fulfill each other's emotional and physical needs and wants. It takes work, but it's worth it.

Having said that, if they are all in agreement it isn't my place to judge. The same Bible that discusses the wedding vows also clearly states that major Biblical figures such as Moses and Noah had mistresses and/or multiple wives, so even if you're a devout Christian, there's a lot of ambiguity there.

It is no more my business what they do in their bedroom (or bedrooms, as it were), than it is theirs what I do in mine. I don't care and I don't want to know about it.

I don't even have a problem with the porn. My spouse and I have watched a few together. I don't think one spouse go surfing for porn over the other's objections, but, again, if both partners agree, so what?

The one thing I would have to question about this whole arrangement - well, okay, the three things - are, number one, the fact that they don't want their child to know about the arrangement. I agree that a child doesn't need to know about their parents' sex lives. But the fact that they are hiding the relationship itself would seem to indicate some shame. Thing is, the kid is going to find out at some point, and then what? I mean, they just went on national TV, for Pete's sake. After lying to the child through omission for however long, how do they expect to be able to make it right? Number two - an eleven year old should not be watching porn. Period. And most especially with their parents. I've had all the discussions with my kid about sex ed. We communicate openly about sex, whether she should or not, possible repercussions, how the act itself works, etc. Not easy talks, but for the best for her. But there is no way on God's green earth that I would ever, ever watch sex with her. Of course she knows her parents had, and continue to have, sex. But we don't talk about the details. And, finally, third - no condoms? Big, big mistake.

If it is just adults involved and all agree - knock yourself out. I couldn't care less. I have no right and no inclination to judge. But when you have a kid and you're doing something you have to hide from them, you're making bad decisions.

The one thing that keeps irking me about a lot of comments is the whole "hiding it from their kids." Do you have sex with your door open? Do you tell your kids that you and daddy did it doggy style the other night? NO. OBVIOUSLY their children will find out, didn't yours find out you have sex? At that time, I'm sure they will come up with a mature way to discuss it. If not, ultimately it is none of the kids' business what / how the parents are having sex.

You didn't read my whole post. I specifically mentioned the fact that our child of course knows that we have sex. That isn't the issue. Nobody shares such details with their children. But hiding an entire relationship? Bit different, I think. And how a parent lives their life IS a child's "business", especially at that age. A minor child is affected by what their parents do in so many ways. If this is truly how they wish to live and they don't feel some sort of underlying shame, then they need to have that conversation with their child NOW, not after he finds out about it from his classmates.

I literally just lawled at your response. No, I don't think it's a bit different at all. It is their sex life - not a relationship. Please learn the difference prior to throwing those accusations. And again, NO. It is not their children's' business how / what they chose to do to get off. Also, and this was the funniest part, if they are hiding it from their children (which they obviously aren't any more) how in God's name are their classmates going to find out?

I wasn't throwing around accusations. It's really quite ironic that you are at least as judgmental and close-minded as you appear to think everyone else is, but you don't appear to see it in yourself. I've stated my opinion. That's what forums such as this are for. You're free to yours, as well, but I think you're wrong to attack others for theirs. I don't agree with you, and I think you're missing the point of what I've said, but I'm not going to debate it further with you. There's many things I could say to you to refute your misunderstanding of what I've said, but you've made up your mind and none of it would get through to you, so I won't bother to do so. Individuals such as yourself, who are obviously not open to free and honest discussion, are the reason I so rarely post to this site. Have a great day.

BodyRockerVT

The whole "why be married thing"...yea. That one irks me I am afraid. I am in the US. I had been with my husband for 6 years before we got married. We had 2 children at that point.

Why get married? Well first, we loved each other and care deeply about the other. Secondly marriage is a legal contract. It says that if something happens to him I make choices and if something happens to me he makes choices. It also says if something happens to either of us that the kids go to the other. It makes each of us tied to each other legally.

Marriage also means that we get to share things like health insurance. I had been with him for 6 years but couldn't get his dental insurance because we didn't have a piece of paper saying we were legally bound to each other. There is no "common law" marriage here, it doesn't apply.

I could be wrong, since it was nearly 4 years ago that I got married, but I don't remember anything in my vows about not having relations with other people (in either his or mine). I believe we promised to love, honor, and obey each other. That means VERY different things to different couples.

None of this is saying I am in an open marriage, as I am not, but it is to say that "marriage" is not religiously tied, in anyway, unless that is what the couple believes.

ScottyNoHotty

Sex, love , marriage...three different things. I've seen loveless marriages, sexless marriages, everything in between. I love my wife, she loves me. We've both played the field, it has not affected how we feel about each other. I love her more than ever, and our sex life is hot, hot , hot!!! What works for some, does not work for others. I don't judge, don't judge me! Marriage is basically a business contract, Love is what is important.

jedibunny

Honestly, my initial response to the question of open marriage is negative - and I'm generally a pretty open-minded person when it comes to sexuality, lifestyle, personal preferences etc... but I know the effect an "open relationship" (whether marriage or a committed long-term relationship) can have on families.

My sister, a great gal, and her 10-year-long significant other have a 6-year-old daughter together. My sister also has a soon-to-be 18-year-old son from a previous marriage who lives with them 90% of the time, as his dad's out of state. Great! Fine, wonderful, committed relationship, family atmosphere, etc. About three years ago they started having problems (when the girl was 3), and decided that though they loved each other dearly they were frustrated and bored with each other. They decided on an open relationship. Then they decided not to sleep in the same bed any longer. Then they decided to start dating other people seriously while still living in the same house together. Now, their daughter is starting to realize what's going on and ask why mommy sleeps over at friends' houses, and she (the daughter) has taken to sleeping in their bed while one of them sleeps in hers; the daughter is so emotionally screwed up that she's been taken to a psychotherapist--she still has to wear diapers at age 6; the 18-year-old who saw this as a stable household when he was 15 quickly picked up on what was happening and, as teenagers do, started to rebel (he decided to start doing a lot of drugs, have sex (because his mom was allowed to sleep around), and very nearly flunked out of school); and my sister and her... umm... ex? are deciding what to do about the house... yet they still say "I love you" to each other and he still comes to the big family dinners/parties as if they're a couple. Everyone knows the situation, many have advised both of them to move out and save their daughter years of therapy, and though many have since decided to stay out of it as much as possible, it has a visible effect on everyone.

Obviously this is a particular case with specific examples. My point is that, once you decide upon an open relationship, you may as well divorce or separate. The time apart might make you want to be with the other person again, and the time apart might make you realize you're better off on your own. Lots of people only want an open relationship because they're scared to tear the family fabric at the seams... but as seen above, the family fabric gets torn just as wholly and probably more devastatingly by dragging it out over time.

My boyfriend and I live together and are planning on being married in the next year or so. We're both of the mind that we probably won't get bored with each other in bed, but if we do, we can always experiment or spice things up or maybe even bring someone else home for a night... but we would NEVER invest emotions into that "someone else" and we would never opt for an "open relationship/open marriage" because to us that means a complete lack of commitment to each other, and we love each other far too much to consider such a thing.

That's it. End of story. I think this may be one of the only things I'm not "to each his own" about, and there are good reasons why.

libragj

First of all I don't care about other people's drama which the media only sensationalizes. I think usually this open marriage is for cowards who are afraid to be alone emotionally hence the permanent partner. Otherwise they would just be single and having sex with people.

grinch031

I think it's a million times more healthy to be in an open marriage where both parties were happy & filling thier sexual needs, as opposed to a loveless, sexless marriage that many people seem to accept as normal these days.

THIS^ I pity the fool who gets to do it missionary, once every 2-3 months with his wife. Do you think he'd ever tell her he's unhappy, probably not.

I don't condone cheating but I have to wonder what women expect when they hold out on their husbands. Or vice versa.


I'd rather have a happy satifying sex life and relationship that my partner and I agree on. Anyone who thinks differently is either exceptionally lucky that neither partner wants to explore or insanely jealous.

I find it refreshing when women get this. Yeah I know it does go both ways. I think this is a huge problem in marriages, but the problem is most people when making judgements of other couples fixate on the downstream effects like spousal cheating and other things they do as a result of an unfulfilling marriage.

bigdog4632

If you want an "open" relationship, why get married? To me that's just playing games with lives and society. And what ever happened to morals?

I don't want to judge anybody, but isn't there some responsibility to live your life with some boundaries? You can call it morals, responsibility, integrity, or devotion.

If you choose to live under the term marriage, shouldn't that include being faithful and devoted to one person?