Question about attraction... just curious.

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LaurenAOK
LaurenAOK Posts: 2,475 Member
in Chit-Chat
Okay, I'm not sure if this is going to come out sounding offensive or not. I don't mean this to be offensive in any way! I'm just curious and have been for a while. I study psychology and love thinking about how people's brains work :P

I've noticed that, the majority of the time, bigger people get together with other bigger people. In my personal experience, it has been rare to see a couple where one of them is overweight and one is very healthy. It seems much more common to see a couple where both people are overweight, or both are healthy (or both are in-between).

Now, here's where I'm really not trying to offend anyone but, the fact is, in society today we generally don't consider being overweight to be "attractive." So my question is... in these couples where two overweight people are together... are they genuinely attracted to each other? Or do they just feel more comfortable being with someone bigger because they are bigger as well?

Say an overweight person generally dates other overweight people. Then he/she loses a lot of weight. Would he/she still be attracted to overweight people, or would he/she start dating people who were of a more "healthy" weight?

Again, I'm not trying to offend here. I'm not saying that overweight people can't be attractive... I know many people who are truly "big and beautiful." But it's just that by society's standards, it's not generally seen as attractive so it makes me curious as to how attraction works in these couples.
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  • hapoo100
    hapoo100 Posts: 940 Member
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    i have had and seen my friends have relationships where they start leaner. The relationship tends to be about spending time together and exercise stops, more lunches, dinners, going out...usually to excess. Both grow in size together due to unhealthy choices. I have seen so many couples that have the exact same body and even wear similar clothes...

    I would guess healthy couples spend their time exercising, hiking, etc.
  • cear3381
    cear3381 Posts: 2
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    I think it's a valid question.... I used to weight close to 190 pounds and at least me, I was never attracted to big guys... which was a big motivator to lose the weight.

    Despise society's standards, some people do not mind it or do find it attractive, but they are a clear minority. A couple close to me, one is naturally slim ( not a gym rat) but still very slim, and the other one is over close to 250 pounds. I do think there must be a comfort factor and need to be with someone that would make someone overlook it if there's a deeper connection, which must happen with big couples as they understand each other.

    Just my opinion :)
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,370 Member
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    First off there is no explaining what attracts a person to another as far as wishing for a relationship.
    There is no pattern as I can be attracted to a lady that is short or tall and a range of weights.

    One other thing to understand is that men and women don`t always follow a fairy tale type love affair and many relationships are based on things that have little to do with physical appearance.
  • sleepytexan
    sleepytexan Posts: 3,138 Member
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    I have always been attracted to big and tall men; pudge doesn't bother me, but skinny does. I am not attracted to giant bodybuilder types, but a reasonably muscular physique is, of course, nice to look at. I have happily dated many "big guys", and I am married to one. Over the course of our 12-year marriage, my husband has gained about 50 lbs and then lost about 35 of it. While I do think he iooks better now than he did 35 lbs. heavier, it did not affect my attraction to him.

    I have always been about the same size; 5'4, ranging 127-135 lbs. aside from pregnancies and one 18-month period at 142 (during which I felt very anxious about the excess weight).

    It has been my observation that women are more tolerant of excess weight on a man, than the other way around.
  • SteveHunt113
    SteveHunt113 Posts: 648 Member
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    I know there are some people who are are thinner but are attracted to heavier people. There have been some studies on this, one that was on 20/20.
  • ChristineW82
    ChristineW82 Posts: 116 Member
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    Well, I am over weight. My first husband was over weight too. I think my weight bothered me a lot more than his weight ever did. We were friends before we got into a relationship and I think we had a lot more than a physical attraction to one another.

    My husband now is tall & lean. I think our physical relationship is a lot better than I had with my first husband.

    I don't know if that helped at all with your question, or if I'm just babbling. :laugh:

    All and all I think people fall in love for much bigger reasons than physical attraction.
  • Captain_Tightpants
    Captain_Tightpants Posts: 2,215 Member
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    Nah my wife would be hot to me skinny or not.

    I think your observation might be based more in the fact that couples influence each other greatly. If you end up in a relationship with a couch potato it's very hard not to become one yourself. If your significant other drags you to the gym every day it works that way round too. I think couples just tend to fall into following each others habits over time, or at least some sort of comfortable middle ground for both is reached.
  • carrotstick2012
    carrotstick2012 Posts: 161
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    This has been studied - when you are attracted to a personality, the person starts to appear physically more attractive to you. As someone else pointed out - couples, often in new relationships, might gain weight together. Plenty of research for you to read on this.
  • LaurenAOK
    LaurenAOK Posts: 2,475 Member
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    Very interesting about couples gaining weight together as they adapt to each other's lifestyles! I somehow hadn't thought of that, but it makes a lot of sense.

    Just to clarify, I wasn't saying that a relationship is based solely on attraction... I know there's a lot more to it than that :) But I do believe that at least in the beginning, physical attraction can play a big role... more so for some people than others. Of course, as a couple of people pointed out, when you really love someone's personality and there's a mental chemistry there, physical appearance can seem a lot less important!
  • firesoforion
    firesoforion Posts: 1,017 Member
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    There is a lot more than weight to any relationship to be sure (thankfully lol), but you are on the right track. Almost all psychological studies indicate that we seek out people with a level of "sameness" to ourselves. Of course part of that is weight and perceived attractiveness, part of it is perceived socio-economic status, cultural backgrounds, similarities in upbringing, etcetera but it goes so far beyond that it's incredible.

    This is one of my favorite studies of all time, it suggests that we seek out people with a similar speaking style, it goes that deep: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-language-of-love
  • KareninCanada
    KareninCanada Posts: 807 Member
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    LOL... I have quite a few friends who would completely debunk that theory.
  • LaurenAOK
    LaurenAOK Posts: 2,475 Member
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    This is one of my favorite studies of all time, it suggests that we seek out people with a similar speaking style, it goes that deep: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-language-of-love

    Ah, I love it! I'm so fascinated by stuff like that. A lot of the studies I've read about on "sameness" and attraction are absolutely amazing and almost freaky. Have you studied anything about the fibonacci sequence and attraction? It's downright spooky.
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,439 Member
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    But I do believe that at least in the beginning, physical attraction can play a big role... more so for some people than others. Of course, as a couple of people pointed out, when you really love someone's personality and there's a mental chemistry there, physical appearance can seem a lot less important!

    For the average person, physical attraction lasts about 5 minutes! Studies have shown that chemistry - smell and pheromones - play a much larger part.

    I think your observation of seeing large people with large, is more based on a long term relationship when people 'grow' together! Although, of course, people can get together because there is a mutual empathy/comfort too!

    There are probably a million reasons why someone is attracted to someone else, most of them indefinable, hence why its not easy to clarify. But I would say weight is a very small issue in the scheme of things :bigsmile:
  • BeautyFromPain
    BeautyFromPain Posts: 4,952 Member
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    i have had and seen my friends have relationships where they start leaner. The relationship tends to be about spending time together and exercise stops, more lunches, dinners, going out...usually to excess. Both grow in size together due to unhealthy choices. I have seen so many couples that have the exact same body and even wear similar clothes...

    I would guess healthy couples spend their time exercising, hiking, etc.

    THIS ^

    But, at least for most people (I would hope) people are attracted to personalities.
  • Alma_Sana
    Alma_Sana Posts: 453 Member
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    First off there is no explaining what attracts a person to another as far as wishing for a relationship.
    There is no pattern as I can be attracted to a lady that is short or tall and a range of weights.

    One other thing to understand is that men and women don`t always follow a fairy tale type love affair and many relationships are based on things that have little to do with physical appearance.

    I agree. Most times I think there is a deeper connection. I might see someone who others would say is physically attractive, but a jerk and find them ugly. I might also see someone who others may claim isn't as attractive, but is really nice with an awesome personality and find them gorgeous. A lot goes into account when perceiving attractiveness of another person. Looks only get you so far. I think you should feel attracted to someone at least a little initially. But honestly looks fade over time and what is left if you don't have some common interests or enjoy each others company and personalities? There are some pretty amazing people out there that seem to get brushed off and looked past on a whole in society. They always say "Don't just a book by it's cover or fancy book mark . . .you have to read the pages <3
  • pinkprincess205
    pinkprincess205 Posts: 63
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    Iv always been quite curvy, but have always attracted fit healthy guys, n there the type i go for. Never liked a bigger guy. X
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,874 Member
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    When I met my husband, he was training for a mission and in peak physical condition and I was the smallest I have ever been in my adult life (thank you, mono!) He outweighed me by ~100 pounds then, and almost always has since then. When I lose 5 more pounds he will have 100 on me again. So we did gain together, but he has always been a lot bigger than me! I've been attracted to all kinds - tall, short, big, small. In the end, personality always wins!
  • RatRace675
    RatRace675 Posts: 23 Member
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    When I met my wife 17 years ago I weighed about 190lbs. I'm 6ft 1" and I look good at that weight as I've always been naturally stocky. I had a very physical job at the time (fitting tractor and truck tyres all day). My wife was 5ft 3" and weighed 115lbs. About a year after we me I got in to sales and the weight piled on. I was 215lbs when I got married and a couple of years after that I was 240lbs and I stayed at that for about 10 years. My wife always said she was never bothered and she never saw me as big, she just saw me as me. Just over a year ago I reached my peak at 257lbs and thought it was about time I sorted myself out. Meanwhile my wife was still 115lbs so I am more than twice her weight, but it has never had any effect whatsoever on our relationship. I am now back down to 221lbs, so nearly at my wedding weight and it is still coming down nice and steadily. We have been out and people comment on how much weight I've lost and my wife will say later, I can't believe so many people are noticing you've lost weight as you just look the same to me. They say love is blind :-)
  • hooligansmom
    hooligansmom Posts: 122 Member
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    I am also a woman who is attracted to men who are slightly to moderately overweight. When I see men who are really fit, i think they are cute, but not for me. It's the guys who have a little extra all around that I am truly attracted to. It has been like that all my life!
  • SmallerBecky
    SmallerBecky Posts: 177
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    I have always been attracted to big and tall men; pudge doesn't bother me, but skinny does. I am not attracted to giant bodybuilder types, but a reasonably muscular physique is, of course, nice to look at. I have happily dated many "big guys", and I am married to one. Over the course of our 12-year marriage, my husband has gained about 50 lbs and then lost about 35 of it. While I do think he iooks better now than he did 35 lbs. heavier, it did not affect my attraction to him.

    I have always been about the same size; 5'4, ranging 127-135 lbs. aside from pregnancies and one 18-month period at 142 (during which I felt very anxious about the excess weight).

    It has been my observation that women are more tolerant of excess weight on a man, than the other way around.

    This is me too. I've always been a healthy weight to maybe 30 lbs overweight (on my way down from that) and I am married to a man who has been "big" almost his whole life and who has been one of my very best friends since we were 13. He has been over 100 lbs overweight at times and currently is on his own journey to a healthy weight! I must admit that I am finding him more and more physically attractive as he loses weight but what I've always found so attractive about him is just who he IS. He is COOL, he makes me laugh ALL the time, he puts up with me and my emotional craziness, and he cares so much for the people in his life. If losing lots of weight ever changed all that for the worse, it would not be worth it to me to have him LOOKING better.

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