To all the "nice guys"

iamthevieve · February 2012

"Girls just don't like nice guys. I guess they just like a**holes." I hear this a lot and I'm sure a lot of other women have as well. I take offense to this. It implies women are stupid when it comes to dating. Sure there are some of us who see a guy with a wife beater and a mullet and think, "Mmmm...there's a hottie right there."

I have a nice guy. My husband tries to act like a jerk and I laugh at him because he just can't pull it off. You know what he has that the other "nice guys" I've met lack? Confidence. That's what women like. Confidence. That's one thing that the so-called "a**holes" have. Confidence.

If you're one of those guys who is having a hard time finding a girl, stop looking. Work on yourself (and I don't just mean do what you're already doing by being a member of this site). *Like* yourself. Don't worry so much about your looks. Don't be needy. If a girl doesn't immediately say, "Yes" don't get pushy or mad at her. Maybe she's busy.

Don't set your expectations too high. This might sound mean, but if you're a teddy bear gamer (bigger, hairy guy who's into WOW and D&D) you're not likely to find a hot blonde to date you. Yes, there are hot gamer chicks who dig teddy bears, but those are few and far between.

Most importantly, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Nothing is a bigger turn off than a guy who is so wrapped up in not having a girlfriend that he can't have a normal, pleasant conversation at dinner.

iamthevieve · February 2012

And if you're wondering why I'm posting this here, it's because it's something I've been wanting to say for a long time. I've heard it all my life from my brother and several guy friends I've had. I'm posting it here because I'm not a blogger and the only other forum I'm a member of is for women only, so there it would fall on deaf ears (blind eyes?)

lumina0o0 · February 2012

very true

SmashleeWpg · February 2012

I think this goes for anyone, regardless of gender.

CONFIDENCE IS SEXXXXXXXXXY!

Nuff said.

babyworms · February 2012

** also, a lot of the time, when girls go for the a-holes, it's because they've been made to feel as though they don't deserve anything better. Or that they won't be able to do any better.

Trust me, I know!!

My hubby is a 'nice guy' who had to wait until i realised that i deserved better than the not-nice-guy i was with when we met.

It took a while, but my nice guy made me realise that i did deserve better than what i had.

Nice Guys Are Awesome! Just gotta be patient sometimes!

reedkaus · February 2012

i can dig it. good post. not sure if i fall into the nice guy category of the a hole (i like to think nice guy) but i agree when you say people are too wrapped up in what others think of them and don't have that confidence. just like who you are! i would venture to say most of us who use this website have had a problem with self esteem from time to time, or why else would we be trying to make a change? love yourself before you try to find someone else to love. it makes a big difference

patricknsmith · February 2012

Very true statements. It really does come down to confidence. I have lived and learned enough to have figured that one out the hard way. The hard part is balancing confidence vs conceitedness.

iamthevieve · February 2012

I think this goes for anyone, regardless of gender.

CONFIDENCE IS SEXXXXXXXXXY!

Nuff said.

True, but I've never seen a girl say guys only go for *****es.

iamthevieve · February 2012

i can dig it. good post. not sure if i fall into the nice guy category of the a hole (i like to think nice guy) but i agree when you say people are too wrapped up in what others think of them and don't have that confidence. just like who you are! i would venture to say most of us who use this website have had a problem with self esteem from time to time, or why else would we be trying to make a change? love yourself before you try to find someone else to love. it makes a big difference

Exactly.

iamthevieve · February 2012

** also, a lot of the time, when girls go for the a-holes, it's because they've been made to feel as though they don't deserve anything better. Or that they won't be able to do any better.

Trust me, I know!!

My hubby is a 'nice guy' who had to wait until i realised that i deserved better than the not-nice-guy i was with when we met.

It took a while, but my nice guy made me realise that i did deserve better than what i had.

Nice Guys Are Awesome! Just gotta be patient sometimes!

That's also a good point. I dated jerks until I met my husband. Of course he's the first guy I met with confidence. I also struggled with self-esteem issues before I met him as well, which probably contributed to me dating the jerks.

i_love_vinegar · February 2012

Im a nice girl and notice that meaner girls get treated better...I'll bake a cake and give a massage and not get a thanks. Another girl will cuss her boyfriend out and get a diamond ring. WTF. <.<

I like nice guys, but nice guys seem to like mean girls. Bah

Matt_Wild · February 2012

I like nice guys, but nice guys seem to like mean girls. Bah

Nah, they get kicked to the curb. Anything for an easy life.

Diana061 · February 2012

Amen

Bahet · February 2012

Im a nice girl and notice that meaner girls get treated better...I'll bake a cake and give a massage and not get a thanks. Another girl will cuss her boyfriend out and get a diamond ring. WTF. <.<

I like nice guys, but nice guys seem to like mean girls. Bah

Very true. I was a nice girl who never really got noticed until I was in college. Then the sam nice guys in high school who wouldn't give me the time of day suddenly wanted to go out with me. Of course, by then I was dating my own nice guy but it irked me beyond measure to hear those other guys turn around and complain that no girls were interested in them. That wasn't true at all. It's just that they didn't look beyond the outside appearance. I did. I liked guys who were smart and witty more than the so called hot guys. I'd take brains over brawn any day. But society tells men that anyone can get a bikini model and they fall for it. Look at the movies. You can have men looking like everything from some weird alien to Brad Pitt and they always have attractive women at their side.

nickyfm · February 2012

Truth!!
But all the nice guys I know have gfs or aren't interested in me =[

i_love_vinegar · February 2012

Im a nice girl and notice that meaner girls get treated better...I'll bake a cake and give a massage and not get a thanks. Another girl will cuss her boyfriend out and get a diamond ring. WTF. <.<

I like nice guys, but nice guys seem to like mean girls. Bah

Very true. I was a nice girl who never really got noticed until I was in college. Then the sam nice guys in high school who wouldn't give me the time of day suddenly wanted to go out with me. Of course, by then I was dating my own nice guy but it irked me beyond measure to hear those other guys turn around and complain that no girls were interested in them. That wasn't true at all. It's just that they didn't look beyond the outside appearance. I did. I liked guys who were smart and witty more than the so called hot guys. I'd take brains over brawn any day. But society tells men that anyone can get a bikini model and they fall for it. Look at the movies. You can have men looking like everything from some weird alien to Brad Pitt and they always have attractive women at their side.

That's good you found a nice guy! Im in college though so...unfortunately...;_; While we all have different experiences, in my experience looks don't have to do with personality. There are mean pretty people and mean ugly people/vice versa.

I'm no model, but I'm not bad looking either...and the mean girls are often the same way...I think most guys just like bi*ches plain-and-simple (whether we are comparing a pretty nice girl and a pretty mean girl or an ugly nice girl and an ugly mean girl). Maybe they feel it is more of a "chase" when the girl they are after might punch them in the face or insult them at any second -- kind of like an adrenaline rush. A nice girl is an easy girl in their minds maybe?

dubw · February 2012

I guess I qualify as a nice guy - both my late mother in law and father in law approved of me.

anabell31 · February 2012

I seem to get the nice guys who want to try their hand at being a**holes. They're really sweet guys and I know it, and we were perfectly fine as friends, but as soon as they asked me out, BOOM!

I laughed at the gamer comment because my last boyfriend asked me in the middle of date night if I would drive him over to his friend's house so he could play D&D.

r1ghtpath · February 2012

this is my experience too. the true nice guys are not interested in me.

i think both nice guys and nice girls get the short end of the stick!

Truth!!
But all the nice guys I know have gfs or aren't interested in me =[

JulieH3art · February 2012

Truth: nice guys can be BLIND.

ItsCasey · February 2012

I agree that confidence is key. It makes a man much more attractive and much more likely to get and keep a woman's attention. I also agree that if you lack confidence, go work on that before you try to get involved with someone. If you're not completely and totally comfortable being just you (without someone to hold you up), you're going to fail at relationships. Nobody wants to feel like they're adopting a child when they get into a relationship with someone, and that's exactly what it feels like to date a person who doesn't believe in himself and is constantly seeking reassurance from you that you really do like him.

As for why "nice girls" get treated like crap by guys, while "mean girls" get all the attention ... this is a lesson I recently learned the hard way. If you are baking cakes and giving massages to a man who hasn't earned it, slap yourself, sister, because you are a doormat.

Men lose respect for women who give and give and give without demanding anything in return. You think you're making a guy feel special by doing all these nice things for him. But if he hasn't done anything to deserve it, it says one (or both) of two things to him: either you do it for every guy who pays you the slightest bit of attention (proving he ISN'T special at all) or you have so little self-respect that you think you are not enough .. that you have to buy things and do things and make things to get a guy to like you. Neither of those scenarios will make you attractive to a man.

Banks01 · February 2012

I'm a gentleman in the streets and a geek in the sheets

Wait, I think I said that wrong.

ItsCasey · February 2012

Truth: nice guys can be BLIND.

That is definitely true and very frustrating. I have been going round and round with a genuinely nice guy for nearly a year. I used to live next door to him. He introduced himself to me last spring, and I discovered that in addition to being very good-looking, he's also very intelligent, successful, and one of the nicest guys I've ever met. And every time we saw each other, we would have these fascinating conversations. I thought we were getting somewhere, and the day I came home from work and found a note on my door with his phone number on it, I was pretty sure he felt the same way. But I don't pursue men. I think pursuing is their job and that if they're really interested, they'll do it. So I only called him if I had a legit reason (and I only found a legit reason once).

He never picked up on the fact that I liked him and never asked me out, so I assumed he wasn't interested, and I was dating other people. Then I moved a mile or so away about a month ago, and last week, he called me twice and texted me a few times to find out where I was and said he thinks we should "keep in touch." Really? I lived 12 feet away for quite some time, and we never "kept in touch" then. What is that about? I don't always understand "nice guys."

Carl01 · February 2012

I have always said that if a person says they want a nice or decent guy/gal then they need to look for one and accept what he or she is.
If they really just want a "fun" or "exciting" person that is a bit wild then understand that there is a good chance they will turn out to be an irresponsible *kitten*.

huracan_mery · February 2012

Problem with "Nice Guys" is that they think that being nice to a woman entitles them to getting some. Friendship is failure. If the ultimate goal of relationship is not in the cards then it is not worth it to be decent to a woman. They'd never admit it though, instead they go on the internet and complain about the b***h that friendzoned them. We don't want Nice Guys. We want honest, hardworking, dependable, straightforward, pleasant-to-be-around MEN.

You can read more about the Nice Guy narrative at the Geek Feminism wiki (I don't know if publishing links is against the rules but you can go there and search for Nice Guy).

(Edit: grammar)

iofreya · February 2012

Im a nice girl and notice that meaner girls get treated better...I'll bake a cake and give a massage and not get a thanks. Another girl will cuss her boyfriend out and get a diamond ring. WTF. <.<

I like nice guys, but nice guys seem to like mean girls. Bah

Totally agree with this. Most "nice guys" that I've known are into b*tchy type girls. Sometimes I think men like challenges.

tomasart · February 2012

My Problem is Im just plain mean! lol:devil:

ItsCasey · February 2012

Problem with "Nice Guys" is that they think that being nice to a woman entitles them to getting some.

Eh, there are different types of "nice guys." Some genuinely are nice and don't want to come off as a jerk who just wants to get in a woman's pants, so they think the best approach is to pull back until they are absolutely certain of a woman's interest.

Then there is the "nice guy" is putting on an act because he thinks a "nice girl" is easy prey.

I'm still waiting for the "nice guy" who really is nice and doesn't expect me to hold up a sign that says "I like you. Please ask me out," before he gets off his rear and decides to make a move.

Alphawolf02 · February 2012

CONFIDENCE CONFIDENCE CONFIDENCE!!!! That cannot be stressed enough! It is not even about "nice guy" vs. "a**hole". I dated a guy who was super sweet, really nice, and got along well with my family, but he had zero confidence in himself, was needy, and was usually depressed in some way. He had a lot of qualities that I want in a guy (including the fact that he didn't drink alcohol!), but the lack of confidence was just too much to handle. In my opinion, women want a guy that is just as happy at home, alone, watching a movie, as he is hanging out with a group of people. We want someone who is protective, caring and watchful, but knows that we can take care of ourselves and want to care for them as well. The issue with the a**hole types is that they are insecure, and try to put up a macho front that just end up making them look like big jerks. Personally, I want a Moon Pie kind of guy: hard and sturdy on the outside, gooey on the inside, and overall just a sweet heart!

La_Amazona · February 2012

Broken attracts broken...

So when the "nice guy" has himself a *****, well they're both screwed up.

If the a-hole gets the hot girl, they're both screwed up as well. They're feeding into each other's neediness.

I am a nice girl who can be moody at times, who laughs too loud and is sometimes clumsy. I want a normal guy who's confident yet has a heart of gold (faults and all).

grinch031 · February 2012

nice guy = lacks confidence, pushover, boring, put woman on pedestal
jerk guy = confidence, intriguing, challenging

While I find it annoying when a woman complains about her bf her treats her like crap while rejecting the "nice" guys, I totally understand why they chose the way they did.

To all the "nice guys"

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