"Fighting" with my wife!
KyleB65
Posts: 1,196 Member
So here I am sitting at Starbucks. I had to leave the house for a bit as my wife and I were having an argument.
I had just told her that my Martial Arts teacher was going to start a specialized class on Sunday evenings (7 -8:30) from tomorrow through the end of May. And, that I had signed up.
Well apparently this is not a good thing!
In fact this was the first time my wife actually "forbade" me from doing something.
Now, I understand that I work out a lot! And that she feels that I should spend more time with her. But, my "new" way of life is important to me! I did not expect her to be enthused but she FORBADE me from going. WTF!!!
I don't drink any more (left that bad habit behind me years ago), I don't smoke, I don't carouse, I pay the majority of our household bills, I do more than my share or the household chores and, I doted on my children from the time they were born to the present.
I love my wife and family! But, since being married and becoming a father, I lost a sense of who I am as a person. Along with that loss of self came the weight gain. Slowly over the years I took less and less care of me as I was always doing something for other people!
Then last year I had a health scare and it occurred to me that my time was finite and that I needed to rediscover who I am and reset my life or it would be taken from me way earlier than I wanted.
As I lost weight and improved my fitness. My wife was very supportive. But recently, it has begun to dawn on her that I am not on a program that will end at some point. And, that this is my new lifestyle. At first I thought that she was feeling left out. So, I have been offering to adjust my workouts so that she could join me. I told her I would do what ever she wanted to try, yoga, zumba, dance, whatever. The only codicil I put in was that I was going to continue with Jeet Kune Do. But, after trying a couple of classes she had no interest in joining anything and said that she preferred to relax at home after work rather than go to any type of gym class.
I respect her decision and I understand it. But, this is not my position and I feel that I should continue. Even if she does not approve.
Perhaps I am being selfish? Our children are now young adults with their own lives. So I get that she is feeling a little left behind. But, if she is not going to get up and try something. Why should I sit at home in front of the idiot box when I could be sparring, running, biking, lifting and most importantly learning what I am capable of accomplishing?
So, after my little rant. Anyone out there who has changed their lives for the better and had problems with their spouses? If so, how has it worked out?
Now that I have ranted and finished my latte. It is time to go home!
I had just told her that my Martial Arts teacher was going to start a specialized class on Sunday evenings (7 -8:30) from tomorrow through the end of May. And, that I had signed up.
Well apparently this is not a good thing!
In fact this was the first time my wife actually "forbade" me from doing something.
Now, I understand that I work out a lot! And that she feels that I should spend more time with her. But, my "new" way of life is important to me! I did not expect her to be enthused but she FORBADE me from going. WTF!!!
I don't drink any more (left that bad habit behind me years ago), I don't smoke, I don't carouse, I pay the majority of our household bills, I do more than my share or the household chores and, I doted on my children from the time they were born to the present.
I love my wife and family! But, since being married and becoming a father, I lost a sense of who I am as a person. Along with that loss of self came the weight gain. Slowly over the years I took less and less care of me as I was always doing something for other people!
Then last year I had a health scare and it occurred to me that my time was finite and that I needed to rediscover who I am and reset my life or it would be taken from me way earlier than I wanted.
As I lost weight and improved my fitness. My wife was very supportive. But recently, it has begun to dawn on her that I am not on a program that will end at some point. And, that this is my new lifestyle. At first I thought that she was feeling left out. So, I have been offering to adjust my workouts so that she could join me. I told her I would do what ever she wanted to try, yoga, zumba, dance, whatever. The only codicil I put in was that I was going to continue with Jeet Kune Do. But, after trying a couple of classes she had no interest in joining anything and said that she preferred to relax at home after work rather than go to any type of gym class.
I respect her decision and I understand it. But, this is not my position and I feel that I should continue. Even if she does not approve.
Perhaps I am being selfish? Our children are now young adults with their own lives. So I get that she is feeling a little left behind. But, if she is not going to get up and try something. Why should I sit at home in front of the idiot box when I could be sparring, running, biking, lifting and most importantly learning what I am capable of accomplishing?
So, after my little rant. Anyone out there who has changed their lives for the better and had problems with their spouses? If so, how has it worked out?
Now that I have ranted and finished my latte. It is time to go home!
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Replies
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I think part of the problem was going ahead and doing it on your own, without consulting her. I think if you had, there would have been a more reasonable discussion about it.
Relationships always require some sacrifice, and at the end of the day, you have to decide if sticking with a certain stance is going to be worth whatever the fallout is.
Maybe you and your wife can workout a solution where if she lets you take the class, you agree to do an activity with her that she's wanted you to do but you haven't made time for. This way, you're making sure you still have the time you need with your family.
I think both you and the wife are probably being a little selfish, and if you sit down and try to work out a compromise, it would be a good idea.0 -
this is exactly what i was going to say.
I think both you and the wife are probably being a little selfish, and if you sit down and try to work out a compromise, it would be a good idea.
i know if my husband did something like that id be upset too - not so much that he signed up, but that we didnt discuss it first. that would hurt me0 -
When my ex-wife did this to me, it wasn't about working out less, or spending more time with her or the kids, it was all about CONTROL. Personally, I will never tell my wife she can or can't do something, nor could I ever forbid her to do something.
Look deep, my guess is there is something much larger at issue.0 -
I think part of the problem was going ahead and doing it on your own, without consulting her. I think if you had, there would have been a more reasonable discussion about it.
Relationships always require some sacrifice, and at the end of the day, you have to decide if sticking with a certain stance is going to be worth whatever the fallout is.
Maybe you and your wife can workout a solution where if she lets you take the class, you agree to do an activity with her that she's wanted you to do but you haven't made time for. This way, you're making sure you still have the time you need with your family.
I think both you and the wife are probably being a little selfish, and if you sit down and try to work out a compromise, it would be a good idea.
^This. Yes, it's your life, but you are also a life partner.0 -
I agree with the other 2 posters. It's not easy changing a whole way of life. It's not just your life your changing, it's hers too. Maybe she's scared. Now that the kids are grown up and you are immersed in this new healthy way of life, she may be afraid of you two growing apart. She may see each new class or workout you add as another step away from her. If this class means that much to you, maybe you can give up one of your other workouts to just spend time with her. I know when things get stressful between my husband & I, we find it really helpful to go for a long walk somewhere quiet so we can talk and reconnect.0
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Exactly how much time do you spend working out or on your fitness?
I would be pissed, but only if my hub pretty much never spent QUALITY focused time with me. Love is simply not enough- marriage needs effort and women need attention.0 -
seriously if my husband just signed up without talking to me about it first (even if I happened to be supportive of him signing up for one more thing that keeps him out of the house) he would be at Starbucks with you. Although if he left the house to pout he'd probably be coming back home to round two of a fight since that's not really helping solve the problem either. Don't know her side of the story and there are always two in a marriage but my two cents would be...You can also make a lifestyle change without making it into an obsession and at the point where you start thinking about meeting your needs and not the needs of the family unit you're taking the first steps to being single. If she isn't into your new lifestyle activities and you don't have any interest in hers, or make time for hers, you better start making some time to develop interests together before you find more excuses to stay out of the house and start looking for a woman who is into your new lifestyle choices. Odds are that's one of the things she is already wondering about.0
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I guess I wonder how many other workout commitments you have during the week. If it's more than two evenings or weekend days, I think that's a lot to ask of your wife. She probably misses your company. Can you fit more of your workouts into time when she wouldn't necessarily be expecting to hang out with you? Like early mornings or lunch breaks?
My husband and I each get one 2-hour weekend chunk of time for exercise (running, soccer game). Other than that, we fit them into our early hours or make them part of our work days. We certainly didn't forbid anything; we both want to spend time together and with our kids when we can, so we are careful about adding more time commitments to our crazy weeks.0 -
I don't think it right that she forbids you from doing it, but I also don't think its right that there was no consolation with her on your part either. Trying to work out a compromise is what is best. Also, as a thought, if you children are now young adults she nay be feeling lonely and having a hard time adjusting to her new role.0
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My guess is that your wife just wants to hear how special she is to you. I can say that from a woman whose husband works alot for our family, if he said, "I just want to be strong and healthy for your and the kids and I will make sure you have your time too." I would be OK with it. Make her feel special and let her know how much you appreciate her. She will then be more accepting of your fitness idea.0
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I feel there is a deeper issue here that your wife is having. You two need to set down and talk as adults. You need to tell her exactly what you said here and how it makes you feel. Listen when she speaks as well. Listening to someone is the best thing you can do. You just have to be very honest with each other... Hopefully she will learn something about you and maybe you will learn something about her as well.0
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This is so well written and thoughtfully presented. Please print this out and give it to your wife. When she is relaxing and in a good mood. Kiss her when you do it, and tell her that you love her over-the-moon. (or whatever makes more sense than that.)0
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Try calmly asking her why she is not supportive of you doing it. You might also want to make sure that you make arrangements for a babysitter and take her out. If she spends alot of time with the kids she might need some "adult" time. However, don't make the date a one time deal, go once a week or every two weeks. Even putting the kids to bed and sitting down watching a movie together could help the situation. I don't know how old your kids are. She could be feeling a little left out. I get the same way with my husband, I workout more than he does. But he works 4 part time jobs so I can be a stay at home mom and I still need "me" time and so does he and we both need time together. One thing we don't make a priority. Maybe just small random acts of kindness will change her heart.
Just food for thought. Good luck. FYI, "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you first" can go far too.0 -
Don't compromise.
Compromise means both parties give something up. no one likes giving things up.
You should both find out how you can, together, support each other in your own goals.
It's different than taking a stand and compromising.0 -
In the late summer of 2009, I was talking with two motorcycle riding (long distance touring) friends who were going to the large group's gathering in Rapid City, SD. The three of us live near Charlotte, NC. Their wives were going and they suggested I get my wife to go and go with them. What the heck? Sounded like fun. My wife was not enthused about the trip. Told me she didn't see why anybody would ride a motorcycle that far, she wasn't riding that far, and I was not going either! Up until that instant, I had not made up my mind to go, leaving it up to her. "I'm not?" "No, you're not!" I'm not?" "No!" "Well, sorry, but I think I am." Not only that, I took an extra week and went to Yellowstone while I was that far out. I didn't really care if all my stuff was in the front yard when I got home. In 15 years of marriage (in 2009), my wife had NEVER told me I couldn't do something. She might have a counter-point to what I wanted to do and that would usually stop me from doing the thing. It really surprized me when she did that. I would have busted a... well, you know, to have gone on that trip. I'm glad I did. It was the trip of a lifetime! I did a SS1000 and BB1500 on the trip home. Long distance riders will know what those are.
Main thing is to not let her control you. It's always about that. Some use "we don't spend time together." Mine loves to say "we don't have the money." She could care less about spending time together. That might lead to sex and goodness knows we can't have that!:laugh:0 -
Honestly, it sounds like you two are having an issue with communication and respectful discourse. As an adult, you cannot forbade another adult from doing something, like they're a child. Even if she's feeling like she's left out, or alone, or whatever else she's feeling, her reaction of forbidding you to do something assumes that she can control your actions, like you are a child making a bad decision and she is the adult sticking you in the right direction. That is not how adult relationships work.
Of course, she could just be hurt that you did it without discussing it with her first. It's a sign of respect in a relationship to discuss something with your partner first, because it shows that you value their opinion and input, even if you already know how you want to approach the topic. Though if she actually believes that you need to ask "permission" to do something, she has completely the wrong mindset about the situation. It is respectful of you to consult her first with decisions, which it sounds like you didn't do, but it is also respectful of her to treat you like the adult that you are.
Good luck! I've been there, done all that communication jazz. Hope you two work it out soon.
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I agree with the people above that the main problem is probably that you 'told' her instead of asking. To me, Sunday nights have a particular significance. They are a time for family, and for resting and mentally preparing for the week ahead. Maybe if it was any other time she wouldn't have minded?0
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I like was Nessalee77 says, it makes a lot of sense. Sunday night seems like an odd time to take an exercise class. For me Sunday night is the worst night of the week because I know all the work cra* starts over again. I like to recharge on Sunday nights with the hubby doing just stuff we like to do together. In a way, it's kind of childish to forbid a spouse from doing something they love. We have never done that to each other, my husband loves music and it makes me happy to seem him accomplishing & working toward his goal and quite often it's without me and I'm perfectly fine with that--I know how he feels about me too. I hope you can work this out with her, life is too short and in my honest opinion a relationship is about loving your partner for who they are, not what you want them to be. If she wants more time with you she should ask and you should respect her enough to make a good effort to work it out. Good luck to you!0
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Originally I was gonna come here to say I must be the only one who doesn't see the issue...it's a workout class, not him buying a thousand dollar purchase. But then I remembered something...my husband wanted to join a ball hockey league and he consulted me first. He didn't "ask permission" but he approached it in a way to let me know he wanted to do it then went on to give me details about the day of the week, times, etc. and though I wouldn't have had an issue if he HAD signed up and THEN told me, it made me feel appreciated and valued that he thought about me and what might be on MY schedule that might coincide with this. And for this I was very satisfied and felt like my opinion does matter.
I don't think she's trying to be unsupportive. I sincerely think she just doesn't feel like you value her thoughts or feelings.0 -
go home have a calm chat with her and see where things are, you both over reacted and things got out of hand. heck from time to time you need a good blow out, and lets not forget the makeup part. :blushing:0
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I have always found Wii Boxing is good to do together and it helps to get aggression out and talk in a 'safe' environment. You will still be in the house and doing something with her and be able to throw a few punches at the same time.
My hhusband and I think best with a clear head after our boxing matches.0 -
I went through this with my man. I let myself go when we first started dating and after a while I wanted to get back into the good shape I used to be in. He was jealous of the time I spent at the gym/ working out instead of with him. After multiple talks and me finally (and very honestly) telling him he had to get some hobbies/ interests of his own instead of spending all his time with me he got it. It's healthy to spend a little bit of time apart in a relationship to give each person their space. He has become much more accommodating recently and is working out at the gym in his spare time. He even apologized for not measuring out the pasta he cooked the other day before putting it on my plate bahaha. Perhaps your wife just needs to get into a hobby of her own, it may not be the gym but perhaps a book club/ volunteering or something else that helps her pass the time while you are away Good luck! 0
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I was wondering is the instructor male or female? Is your wife in shape or heavy? Are Sundays the only time you have together? It sounds to me like she is feeling insecure and there's more going on from her view point than we can see on here. I do understand a couple of your points. You have made this a lifestyle and it is very important to you. I think you need to stick with it if it's going to cause you anxiety or you'll resent her. At the same time, it sounds like you need to do somethings to make your wife feel important to you!!!Make time for her. Little things mean a lot. My husband brings me a cup of coffee all the time and it means the world to me. I also understand what you said about "The idiot box"! I am a dance aerobic instructor and love to practice and choreograph. My husband gets mad because he thinks I'm putting too much time into it and should be getting paid. I told him I do it because I enjoy it, and I said "If I were sitting on the couch in front of the television you would think it perfectly acceptable!". I don't get it. I think it's more about spending time with him.0
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I have to say I would be upset too if my husband signed up without even discussing it with me. I would find that to be inconsiderate. I try to give my husband the heads up if i am going to join or do something. I think it is just a common curtosey. Also a Sunday night is not good night in my opinion with getting ready for work the next day.
Also, it is true that us women do need attention from our husbands. Maybe you can plan one night a week where you guys go out and do something special. She may feel like she is not important to you.
Just my opinon.0 -
You're being selfish. Proud of you for being healthy, but your lifestyle change was too drastic and evidently not completely with the real world in mind. Get over yourself and back to reality. You have a family. Nothing more needs to be said.0
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Show her that posting...ok well not quite but seriously tell her. Communicate about the fact this is something not only for yourself but your family. You need to stay healthy and alive to able to support and love after her and your kids.0
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dump her now. before you forbids you to go to starbucks and text strangers asking for marital advice.0
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am I wrong to say she needs to get over herself? eh, I don't need approval, she needs to get over herself! Make sure your time with her and your workout time is balanced, sometimes you do have to sacrifice, and I don't mean for her, for yourself, if your workout life/new hobbies are not excessive, go for it.0
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You said your kids were young adults- have they all moved out? Maybe your wife is just feeling lonely now that the kids are gone, and it might seem like you're gone all the time too. She might feel like everyone's left her and she's only got herself. Sure, there might be larger control issues at play, but you'll never know if you don't sit down and have a good, honest discussion with her. You both need to air your feelings. Tell her why these classes are so important to you. Ask her exactly why it is she doesn't want you to go. Is she lonely? Does she think you're doing too much already? Does she just want one night with nothing to do where you can both relax together? Perhaps you could suggest one night per week where you two just do something fun together- it could be taking a walk, seeing a new movie, whatever it is that you two like to do together. Maybe plan a vacation for just the two of you, so you can really spend some one-on-one time with her? Sometimes, we all just get so busy that we don't even realize how much time we're NOT spending together. But, first things first, have a talk with her. Take your time to cool off and think about things, but sit down and have a good long talk and get to the bottom of things... and make sure you really listen to what she's got to say (even if you don't agree with it)!0
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I think it has more to do with her feeling lost and alone. Your kids aren't around as much, you are making big life changes and where does that leave her? I think she may need to "find herself" as she is probably feeling left behind; especially if your workouts are consuming a lot of your time and passion. Obviously working out is your thing, not hers. Help her find her passion. Talk. Ask her what her dreams are. Listen.
I know you guys aren't mind readers but there is definitely something going on to make her forbid you to do something when that isn't a dynamic of your relationship.
Good luck.0
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