"Fighting" with my wife!

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Replies

  • Leiki
    Leiki Posts: 526 Member
    You should have her join you in a few sessions. I'm assuming she doesn't like it, because it is violent. However, most martial arts teach you to defend yourself and others in non-violent or lethal ways, and be at peace with your inner self. If your class does not teach that, perhaps your wife is right, and you should quit.
  • paisley2288
    paisley2288 Posts: 913 Member
    If my husband signed up for a fitness class I would be thrilled...I would also not expect him to "consult" me first. He is an adult and can make his own decisions...

    I also think it's very odd that a few days ago there was a thread up about a woman who was mad at her husband for forbidding her from doing something a LOT more pointless (putting a steering wheel cover on their family car) and everyone attacked the husband saying he was abusive and controlling and she should get out now...but in this situation the OP is being called selfish? Something doesn't seem right about that.

    Have you read that thread lately? Most of the responses I've seen were saying that the OP was being childish.
  • M♥NIQUE
    M♥NIQUE Posts: 12
    question...is your wife fit, healthy & happy?
    I'd probably have an issue with my hubby not consulting me before signing up for ANOTHER class and up till recently would have most likely blown it all out proportion. BUT, until recently, I had no drive to work on myself and the hubby's invites to the gym would just get on my nerves...I was wallowing in depression, tiredness and self hate and I kinda wanted him to wallow with me. I think u gotta trully want it for your self to appreciate & commit to the dedication and work a healthy life requires...
    I'm very thankful for my husband's healthy ways and that his positivity won over my persistence to stay in the funk I was in =)
    MFP helps me SO MUCH! Is she familiar with it????
    Hope all works out for the both you =)
  • Lee510
    Lee510 Posts: 46
    However, most martial arts teach you to defend yourself and others in non-violent or lethal ways, and be at peace with your inner self. If your class does not teach that, perhaps your wife is right, and you should quit.
    I haven't seen a martial arts class that was touchy-feely in a friendly kind of way. Martial arts classes that I have taken teach you how to hurt an ATTACKER in a loud and grotesque manner. Might be touchy-feely, but the original aggressor ain't likely to be smiling! And I don't think that's the idea. End the attack, quickly.
  • KilikiMom
    KilikiMom Posts: 237 Member
    okay as a wife and a mother....i can see both sides...really I can...but really how did you expect her to act just going off and signing up for this without talking to her about it first? i for one would be upset about that...not about the class but not being informed...of having that day taken away from the time i could have spent with my husband....and you say yourself that you work out a lot.....she is probably feeling lonely and left in the dust while you improve yourself....being married is all about thinking about your other half ALL THE TIME.....yes you need YOU TIME and its great to work on YOU but you gotta remember YOU ARE MARRIED there is another person that all your decisions affect....good or bad....whether or not you dont think it SHOULD....it does....thats how it is...its called marriage....do i think you are being selfish? no....but just doing something without talking to your wife?!?! hmm not good....would you go out and buy a 40,000 dollar car without talking to her? probably not....just talk to her....i can almost bet she feels left out of your new "life" include her!!!!
  • AndiJoy812
    AndiJoy812 Posts: 236
    You really need to sit down and take an honest look at how much time you are actually spending with your wife and kids. Honestly. And if it is quality time. How many hours a week do you work? How many hours after work do you spend in the gym? How much time on the weekends are you dedicating to "yourself"?

    I get it. I have a husband who works long, long hours, and there are days when I feel like I do not see him at all, and we have 5 kids. It is wonderful that you are getting healthy - but if it was just about getting healthy for your family, you're missing the point. You can't be a Dad if you're never home. Your kids are only young once, and it sounds like your wife has been very supportive up to this point. I get where she is upset. Was it OK for her to "forbid" you? No. But are you LISTENING to her?? Are you still meeting her emotional needs during your transformation? Could it be that maybe she just misses you? That the kids miss you?

    All I have to say is that you need to find a healthy balance - because if you're not careful, you might be missing out on more than Sunday nights. Is a Sunday night class worth that? It would probably help you both to go talk to someone - pastor, therapist, whatever and work on your communication skills. Congratulations for getting healthy physically...that is wonderful. Don't forget the emotional health, too. I am sure your wife adores you and is very proud of your accomplishments...and I love that you are trying to include her. But maybe she's not where you are. Just as a last point...who is taking care of the house and kids when you are taking care of yourself? How are you supporting her?
  • sculley
    sculley Posts: 2,012 Member
    This caused a lot of problems in my first marriage my ex husband refused to workout with me but he would do it with others.... My husband and I have turned our garage into a home gym and work out frequently together, this builds a bond that I know we wouldn't have if we worked out on our own all of the time. I really hope y'all can sit down talk about what you both thought this new journey meant for you. Maybe you can compromise and you can do your class and maybe a night or so a week focus on doing something with her she wants because maybe she's lonely and just wants intimacy with you.

    Good luck my friend
  • kmshred
    kmshred Posts: 393 Member
    awh man, i think she just wanted to be part of your decision making.
  • tina0314
    tina0314 Posts: 6
    What about picking a night each weak where you have 'date' night? That way you guys spend time together and she doesn't feel pushed out. Just a thought.

    We all want to feel needed/wanted - she might be getting jealous or feeling unwanted anymore.

    Good luck!
  • whatluckycat
    whatluckycat Posts: 52 Member
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  • vegagirl2012
    vegagirl2012 Posts: 34
    seriously if my husband just signed up without talking to me about it first (even if I happened to be supportive of him signing up for one more thing that keeps him out of the house) he would be at Starbucks with you. Although if he left the house to pout he'd probably be coming back home to round two of a fight since that's not really helping solve the problem either. Don't know her side of the story and there are always two in a marriage but my two cents would be...You can also make a lifestyle change without making it into an obsession and at the point where you start thinking about meeting your needs and not the needs of the family unit you're taking the first steps to being single. If she isn't into your new lifestyle activities and you don't have any interest in hers, or make time for hers, you better start making some time to develop interests together before you find more excuses to stay out of the house and start looking for a woman who is into your new lifestyle choices. Odds are that's one of the things she is already wondering about.

    Definitely agree. I get upset when my husband doesn't communicate things with me even though I may not mine but to hear him on the phone saying that he is going to do something without seeing if I have any plans or plans for us is not cool. Its just common courtesy. I think both of you should seek couple counseling because there are some issues that goes beyond this. It seems that you may be finding more & more aways to be away from home than you are aware. I understand that you are trying to incorporate her into your new lifestyle now by asking her to take classes that she chooses but what about you incorporating into her lifestyle? If she wants to sit on the couch & watch tv, do it. Even if its 1 or 2 nights out the week. Have a movie or game night at home so that she can see that you don't always have to be on the go or as the post stated above both you guys need to sit down & come up with something that both of you can do together. Because as the post stated above, she might be afraid that with your new body & mind that you may be trying to seek attention & encouragement someplace else. Good luck & I hope everything works out.
  • zephyrionitis
    zephyrionitis Posts: 30
    I have an idea.
    Get a family membership to the gym. Make getting healthy a family thing. You and your wife could take a self defense class together, or Salsa dance. Really anything! I know where I go, they have a ton of youth leagues for sports and swim classes and kids are allowed in most of the fitness classes.
  • jeepwidow01
    jeepwidow01 Posts: 173
    Thanks one and all for your thoughts & opinions.

    I realize today that I have broken the first & most fundamental rules of the internet.

    DON'T POST WHEN YOU ARE UPSET/ANGRY!

    First, my wife is a beautiful person and I will love her always! Yesterday we had a disagreement. As anyone who is married knows this happens from time to time.

    My wife is also the kindest and most understanding person I have ever met! I am now and always will be lucky to be married to her.

    As many people pointed out. I TOLD her I was going to the class and then she TOLD me I could not. Shame on both of us! If it makes anyone feel better, a majority of the shame on me!

    With regards to our "argument" and my leaving the house. At the time our discussion was going no where. I did not leave the house in a huff mid-sentence. I told her that I needed some air and I told her where I was going. So there were no fireworks when I got home.

    Both my wife and I had busy, tiresome days yesterday that were at the end of a long week. So, we were not as considerate of each others thoughts and opinions as we should have been. Again, this happens. We are fortunate in that after 21 years of marriage it does not happen often.

    As for the suggestions regarding my mid-life crisis. You are probably correct. But, regardless of the reasons. I have found something that I have a passion for and something where I think I can achieve some success. And, this activity is one where I am gaining a sense of self improvement.

    As for the future, who knows. My wife and I will discuss this again and we will work it out as we always do. This is not a marriage ending issue! Just a disagreement between spouses. As this is important to me my wife will most likely relent as she wants me to be happy and content. As I will most likely make some other change so that we can spend more time together. Perhaps a scheduled date night every week or so? Or some other time that we can share just between the two of us.

    Thanks again for the thoughtful suggestions & opinions.


    So happy you were able to go home & talk it out Yes, those long, tiresome days and/or weeks can really play a number on people's patience, etc. and when that happens, we normally take it out on those we love the most. Don't just schedule date nights, do an impromptu date night as well. I absolutely love that on the rare occasion my husband does that for me. Best of luck to you on all of your journeys
  • ahersh00
    ahersh00 Posts: 85
    I would be thrilled if my husband came home and told me this!! You guys have been together quite awhile assuming by your childrens ages... I don't understand the constant need for attention from you at this point in your relationship. How often are you home with her? Maybe you could plan a date night once a week with her? She could be feeling insecure, and may feel that you are going to leave her. Make sure to pronounce your love to her daily. Good luck!
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