When to Have the Marriage Talk

PS (doing this here in case it gets lost): I think you NEED to have THE Talk as soon as possible!

You are obviously stressed about it enough that you are posting here. I think it will be a relief no matter what the conclusion is.

Let's say you want to get married and have kids -- no exceptions. He doesn't. It will be a relief that you WON'T have to start over in your 30's and feel you wasted your 20's on a relationship that had no future.

Following the above situation again, if he DOES want to get married and have kids, then it will be a relief that the talk was said and done. Make sure he isn't fibbing just to make you happy though. Sometimes people will lie about things hoping overtime the other person will forget, give up, etc.

Unless you think he doesn't want to have the talk because he might propose, I think you need to have it.

yes, he should be willing to at least say yes, this is where our relationship is going - or it isn't. the fact that he's not willing to discuss it at all is a red flag to me.

That being said, a lot of men are afraid of even talking about it because they fear committment - and he is still young ifyou're only mid 20's.

I am 29, my boyfriend is almost 32, we've only been together 6 months but we have already talked about marriage. I don't know if it has anything to do with us being older or not.

Haven't read the responses. Not discussing it after this long is surely a red flag!!! Try as much as is humanly possible to take your love and emotion out and look at it logically. If it was your friend in this situation, what would you say to them? Me and my husband were talking marriage after two months. You should know where he stands. This may sound mean, but you don't want to wake up in your thirties, still with this guy with no committment. If you are wanting marriage and a family, there is nothing wrong with that at all!!! Don't compromise.

A couple of people question the need to get married and I think that's a valid question. I remember being in my mid 20's and wanting to get married (yes I remember what I said before, give it a second) but in hindsight, I only wanted to get married and have babies and have the house with the white picket fence because that's what you're "supposed" to do when you're in your 20's and it was what a few of my friends were doing. I was in that whole "always a bridesmaid, never a bride", poor-me mindset.

My point is (I'm also a rambler), think also about why you want to get married. Is it because youre nuts about this guy and you want to spend the rest of your life together and want that to start a.s.a.p. or is it because you feel like it's what you "should" be doing.

Lots for you to think about...good luck hun...

"The right time to have the marriage talk is when you're prepared to walk away if he doesn't tell you what you want to hear."

Great advice. Another good one was his answer yea, nay, or not sure does not make EITHER OF YOU a BAD person. It just makes you not in the same spot. That's ok- find someone in the same spot or even a better spot. Or be alone- not the worst thing in the world.
I will tell you this: If you want a guy who let's you in to how he feels or what his intentions are they are out there! My fiance asked me to marry him all the time before he actually popped the question. It was great practice! He still asks me- although some days I'm not sure why he wants to be with me- haha! I would live with him in a cardboard box, I would live with him on the moon. I expect nothing but his partnership with me. He's a great partner. When I started saying I wasn't ready for the actual wedding (I wanted to pay off my car debt first) but I wouldn't mind an engagement ring, he didn't freak out- which was good because if he had I probably would've left. I don't want someone who isn't all in with me. I wouldn't have hated him for it. Turns out he had already been trying to get advice about a ring from his family. We got engaged at 18 mos, our wedding will be at almost 4 years in. I would say we've been acting like we were married since the beginning. I think pretty much everyone knew. Everyone is different- but if that is the story you want or need- it's out there. Don't settle for Mr. 80% or 90%. If you love your boyfriend and want to be with him regardless- stay! But if you need one thing, and he needs one thing- and you both can't figure out how to get to where you are both happy- RUN! and log the calories- haha! My gut feeling is that every guy who has ever really wanted me has let me know, without a doubt. Everyone else was just trying not to hurt my feelings but as a result was wasting my time. YOU DESERVE TO HAVE YOUR NEEDS MET! Now go get your happy...

ETA: I think there is no making him talk about it... you kinda have your answer already as to how he feels (aka he doesn't want to talk about it). So I would just do what feels best to you. Move out, heartfelt break up text, or if you can be content with his answer and boundary he's set at this point, DROP IT and go with the flow.

Let's turn this around for a minute -

Why do *you* WANT to get get married (ever)?

I'm not asking this as a "marriage is bad, you're crazy to want it," but rather as a "what are the reasons it is of such importance to you?"

Then, use that previous comment's advice of "when really big stuff comes up, do you truly envision (with your head) yourself with this person?" to answer "is he the right man?"

Marriage, in my opinion, is highly advantageous for things like end of life decisions, finances, borrowing (for things like cars and homes), and a number of other things (in a legal context, marriage is essentially a meta-contract for something like a thousand other contracts). However, breaking the marriage contract can be messy, even when the split is (relatively) clean, mutual, and mature. In short, it is by no means a decision that should be made lightly, or solely because "that's what people do."

If you love him and really do want to spend the rest of your life with him, what reasons do you have for making marriage part of the equation? If you can provide sound, logical reasoning for it, then he might be more open to it, but you'll probably need to broach the topic more in a "what is your vision of our future?" sort of way, instead of expecting marriage to be a part of the discussion.

As for being financially "ready," I think you're confusing "marriage" with "wedding." If anything, your finances get better when you get married, thanks to tax breaks and pooled resources (though arguably, you can pool your resources without being married). What most people go crazy on financially is the wedding - a ring that costs 3 month's rent, a dress that costs nearly as much, and a wedding as a whole that you'd be paying off for the next three years.

Guess what? You don't need any of that to get married. You need $50 and a couple of friends, a 20-minute trip to the local courthouse and the marriage contract is signed and goes into effect.

Honestly, it sounds to me like you're afraid of being alone, and maybe of not ever having kids. I wouldn't be surprised if you've read some of those stories where women wanted to wait until they got their career to where they wanted, only to realize at 35 or 40, their chances of a healthy pregnancy, or having kids at all, have severely diminished for one reason or another and decided that you don't want to be like them. It's perfectly valid to feel that way, but staying with someone who doesn't share your goals of starting a family, regardless of whether marriage is at all involved, is not really going to help your cause.

My other thought is that you like the *idea* of GETTING married, and/or of having a wedding. If that is the case, then you need to seriously rethink your motives for wanting to get married, because the wedding only lasts a day or so (or a week, if you're from India, but even that is a short time in the grand scheme of things), the marriage is supposed to be the rest of your life.

That said, if/when you want to bring the topic up with him, do it in terms of the future and NOT of marriage. It's pretty obvious he's deathly afraid of the "M-word," so don't bring that up right now. Instead, talk about things like pooling resources, getting a place together, his thoughts on having kids (carefully! This is another one that can get you the same reaction), make it clear that you're talking on a 5+ year timeline and just want to make sure you two are on the same page.

If he's not, then determine whether you would rather stay with him anyway, or break it off. If you decide to break it off, the sooner you do it, the better, before resentment sets in and bad feelings poison what would have otherwise been a civil and clean break. Doing so may also leave you both with the open door to a future relationship, should your goals align better in the future. After it's done, don't fret about it. Mourn your loss, if needed (it does take time to recover from a long and serious relationship), then move on and enjoy your life.

Que sera, sera. What will be, well be.

A lot of guys see marriage as possibly good, possibly bad, definitely scary. Your boyfriend might not know what his long term plans for marriage are. There are good and bad aspects of marriage; many guys see that and are ambivalent about it. When I was in my mid 20s, I really had no idea when or if I wanted to be married. I just knew that I wasn't ready for it right then.

If he really doesn't know what he wants, then asking him to discuss his feelings is asking him to make a decision. He risks losing you by saying he doesn't want it. He risks leading you on if the day that he's ready for marriage never comes. This might explain why he's stalling.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing your boyfriend or saying that you don't have a right to know what he's thinking. He needs to be able to talk about it and be honest with you whether he wants it, doesn't want it, or has no idea.

A man will know if wants to marry you or think that your "wifey" material in a matter of months . 2 1/2 years is a long time and u let him get comfortable. My advice , give him a timetable ultimatum and gauge his reaction. See if he's scared to lose you.

I agree with Dave. A guy I dated before told me the same thing. And he said that they definitely know within the first year. He and I are not together though because he wanted more than I did and I didn't want to waste any more of his time. Even though I communicated to him in many ways that I did not want us to live together and that I wasn't taking his talks about marriage seriously, he obviously thought that I was just talking. Long story short--I knew that it would never go any further than it had (and this was 2 years later). So I would suggest that you reassess your relationship and make the necessary decision for you.