Would you tell them?

you can lead people in a direction but you can't make them do anything if they arent ready. My parents tried to convince me that I needed to work out 2 years before I actually admitted it to myself and swallowed my own pride and did it for myself. I was 43.3 lbs overweight, and now I am only 3.2 lbs away from my goal, and I am proud of myself!!!!!!! Just be patient, and be there for the person, until she/he is ready... She/he will realize it soon... hopefully. It took me Wii Fit to "wake up". I had to see it for myself on the scale...

I actually have a friend who does this.

She's probably close to 100lbs overweight. She is always commenting how she wishes she were my size, could wear the clothes *I* wear, can't find any cute clothes that fit her, etc. Then she'll go to break and eat an entire king size package of Reese's peanut butter cups, a 20oz Mt Dew and a big bag (not huge, but not snack size) of potato chips. I've told her that the key to losing weight is to eat better, so she decided the solution was to only eat once a day. *sigh* THAT is NOT what I said to do. I tried to help her, but I gave up when she kept arguing and fighting with me about things. You can't force someone else to change their bad habits. I finally told her "If you aren't willing to make changes, STOP complaining to me about your weight, how you feel and how scared you are of ending up diabetic like your dad. I tried to help and you don't REALLY want me to help you".

After this experience, I've stopped telling someone. I figure if someone really wants to change their life? They'll do it. They don't need me to point out to them what they're doing wrong. I think most people want to be thin and healthy, but simply don't want to make the changes necessary to achieve it. They have to want it for themselves.

I wouldn't. Adults know they are fat; why torture them by reminding them of it? It's just not supportive. Lead by example.

This ^-^

We went out the other night and drank beer. We love good microbrewery beer too. Since dieting I'm a light weight so I only had one. I mentioned that I looked the beer up and it was 350 calories a glass! My friend said "I'm going to start hating hanging out with you if you keep ruining things for me like that!" hehehehe I try to keep the calorie counting to myself but sometimes I can't help it.

It's tough. I drop hints more when I cook something really healthy and say "I made this dish the other night that was fantastic and only 400 calories per serving. I amazed even myself." Which usually leads into what the dish might be at a restaurant and the calorie difference.

So saying "I found this great new bread the other day.... it is loaded with fiber and protein that only one or two slices will fill you up!" might be a smart way to go vs "do you know how many calories you just ate?" hehehe I sometimes throw out some tidbit I just found out about food or healthy alternatives.... I think my friends are sick of me talking about Greek Yogurt.

If someone you know and care about had a serious weight problem and kept on about how they where being really good while eating half a loaf of bread and whole Easter eggs to themselves ect. Would you point out to them that they are kidding themselves it would you just let them believe they are doing really well?

Only asking because someone very close to me is doing exactly that and I'm not sure weather to being up the subject or leave it? What would you do?

I think what would be most frustrating about this situation is not so much whether the person should lose weight, but that she talks a lot about how "good" she's being - and however diverse your diet is, hard to see how half a loaf of bread at one sitting is "good". The positive thing, though, is that she has already brought up the topic of losing in the conversation.

Someone else posted what I thought was a good "speech" to say once the topic has been raised - it ran something like "gee, I know just what you mean. When I started seriously trying to lose and not having any success my problem was portion control [or whatever] and using MFP and a food scale really helped me with that." You could also add - "If you decide to sign up, let me know and I'll friend you."

In 2 or 3 sentences you've been sympathetic, shown you understand how tough it can be, offered a suggestion which is a lot more constructive than just saying "eat less", and also offered to work on your health together. She may not take you up on it, at least not now, but you'll have done what you can and when she *is* ready she'll know where to find support.

Good luck to both of you!

From the opposite side of the viewpoint:

My mother eagle eyes everything I eat and critiques/criticizes it. If I plateau I MUST be doing something wrong and she starts telling me all these ways she thinks that I should start doing because I HAVE to be cheating or doing it wrong. Yesterday I called to tell her that I had broken through another plateau and that I was able to get a pair of jeans on that I had not ever worn because they were too small without even laying down to zip them. Her response was, "I hope they aren't TOO tight because that makes you look fatter." Never a way to go or congratulations, ALWAYS something wrong with what I'm doing. NEVER MIND that I've lost a total of 54 lbs! It gets very discouraging to me because I go into the mindset of "If I'm being accused of doing it, I might as well be guilty." and it sabotages my mindset. I have to work three or four times as hard to stay on track when she does these things than when i'm given just a bit of encouragement or when people notice that I AM doing something RIGHT. So keep up the encouragement. Invite her over and serve a healthy meal etc... But keep in mind, until SHE has the right mindset, it probably won't happen.

That reminds me of my mom. When I was first trying to get in better shape a few years ago (only 20ish pounds overweight at that point and was going on 2 mile runs every night) she would just tell me I was getting "soft", or "big". Obviously, I knew she was just calling me fat. Instead of offering helpful advice (she used to be very healthy and all about exercise) she'd feed me fried quesadillas. So not only was she totally rude, she was sabotaging me as well. (And no, I honestly didn't realize fried foods were that bad. I'd had no nutrition education whatsoever.)

She probably already knows, but is in denial. I was in that same boat. She needs her own wake up call, no matter what you say. She might even despise you for saying something. Wait until she asks your opinion. Or if she seems like she's fishing for it, like, "It's probably fine to eat this much chocolate, don't you think?" Then you've got an opening. Otherwise, you might jeopardize your friendship. She'll see your results and might ask you your secrets. Then you have all rights to say something. That's IMHO.

As I said on another thread, I would love my 75 year old mother to quit smoking and lose weight. But advice, no matter how well intentioned, has the opposite effect. Do you think she doesn't know she is fat, and eating badly? When someone gave YOU advice like that, did it make you immediately say to yourself - "OMG - how on earth did this happen? I thought I was thin and healthy" then run to the gym? No. It steeled your resolve to be able to eat, drink or smoke whatever the heck you wanted because nobody was going to tell you what to do.

No matter how well intentioned, it isn't going to work. Keep your mouth shut - it's none of your business.

to the OP, I've read every post. ~whew~ my eyes hurt!

This is all I have to add.

Getting emotionally and spiritually ready to lose weight can take a long time. It depends on many factors including age, type of family environment, upbringing, health issues, friendships, and both work, home, and social environments, not to mention maturity level.

But what I've found to be true in my own life, is that it takes QUIET TIME. Meaning...alone time. Time to work through one's past, present and future, without all the noise of everyone's opinions, judgements, criticisms, and endless advice. This could take years, or depending on circumstances, could happen quickly.

For instance, the death of a loved one, or finding one's true love, or a sudden onset of a health issue might trigger a soul search much faster than one might think possible. Or, some of these things could add to the 'noise' in the mind and cause the person to need even more quiet time to work things through for themselves.

The best thing you can do is not to add to the noise. Noise is unsolicited ANYTHING. It is also noise, if they ask, but you are ugly, rude, unhelpful in your response. So if you add to their thoughts, your thoughts, do so if solicited, and in the most loving manner, considering that person's heart to be more important than your own at that moment.

to the OP, I've read every post. ~whew~ my eyes hurt!

This is all I have to add.

Getting emotionally and spiritually ready to lose weight can take a long time. It depends on many factors including age, type of family environment, upbringing, health issues, friendships, and both work, home, and social environments, not to mention maturity level.

But what I've found to be true in my own life, is that it takes QUIET TIME. Meaning...alone time. Time to work through one's past, present and future, without all the noise of everyone's opinions, judgements, criticisms, and endless advice. This could take years, or depending on circumstances, could happen quickly.

For instance, the death of a loved one, or finding one's true love, or a sudden onset of a health issue might trigger a soul search much faster than one might think possible. Or, some of these things could add to the 'noise' in the mind and cause the person to need even more quiet time to work things through for themselves.

The best thing you can do is not to add to the noise. Noise is unsolicited ANYTHING. It is also noise, if they ask, but you are ugly, rude, unhelpful in your response. So if you add to their thoughts, your thoughts, do so if solicited, and in the most loving manner, considering that person's heart to be more important than your own at that moment.

Awesome. Well said. I'm logging that noise definition.