married and lonely, ok maybe that's TMI but..

Options
1246

Replies

  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    Options
    I also wanted to add to the woman who said the OP can't be lonely because her husband is physically there, there are many ways to feel lonely.

    Being in a relationship with an alcoholic, I can tell you that even though he's physically in my presence nearly every day, I do feel lonely in my relationship, as I'm sure the OP does.
  • shanlynt
    shanlynt Posts: 754 Member
    Options
    Roommate situation here as well :(
  • sunshineshica
    sunshineshica Posts: 277
    Options
    I'm so sorry you're going through that. I've been there too. In my case, I took the very drastic step of moving out to get my husband to notice how unhappy I was. We lived apart for 2.5 years. During that time, we went to couples counseling and both actively worked to improve our relationship. We moved back in together 2 years ago, and will celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary in September.

    Ultimately, I guess you have to figure out if you are both committed to making the relationship work and what kinds of sacrifices you are willing to make, whether you decide to stay or leave. Sorting it out can be a difficult, frustrating process. Good luck to you, and I wish you the best.

    I agree with this. Sometimes you both have to step away from the situation in order to see what you have/had. Doing this will let him know that you aren't dependent on him. If you think the marriage is worth saving, than you do the things to save it.
  • Pizzagirl50
    Pizzagirl50 Posts: 112 Member
    Options
    I am so lonely and feel like a single mother. I am just simply not happy, haven't been happy in many years with him... he knows.

    I know, why not get divorced.. well, I want to but my life right now and the situation I'm in really makes me feel stuck. He refuses to talk about it altogether.

    I know this probably isn't the best place to post this stuff, but I figured what the heck, maybe there's someone else in a similar situation who can relate. I found SO much support and motivation this far on my weight loss from so many people here... it's crazy... so who knows, maybe there's someone else who understands this subject also.

    Are we twins??
  • HauteP1nk
    HauteP1nk Posts: 2,139 Member
    Options
    Sorry to hear you are feeling that way! I wish I could say or do something to make you feel better.

    Don't waste your life in an unhappy situation. I know - easier said than done right? That being said, I saw my mom spend 30+ years in a relationship with a man she couldn't even tolerate to sit in the same room with... Do not do it. Your kids will see you are unhappy and the negativity will trickle down.

    So you should work on it! If that doesn't work then you may have to try the alternative....

    Change is scary...but it is worth it.
  • MyFeistyEvolution
    MyFeistyEvolution Posts: 1,015 Member
    Options
    ♥ I understand.
  • donnamorad
    donnamorad Posts: 22 Member
    Options
    OMG...I am reading your post and thinking this is ME! I feel the same exact way and can totally relate. Add me if you want for motivation or anything.
  • wickedcricket
    wickedcricket Posts: 1,246 Member
    Options
    I understand perfectly. I had 4 kids.
    Only YOU hold the key to your freedom. Is it hard being a single parent? you bet your life it is, but not hard AND miserable.

    The only cage we live in is the one we build ourselves.

    cheers
  • picassoadagio
    picassoadagio Posts: 407 Member
    Options
    I understand, but only you know what is right.
  • bellevie23
    bellevie23 Posts: 208 Member
    Options
    Well..I waited 10 months out of a 12 month deployment to wait for my SO to come home, just to find out he was cheating with another soldier overseas, which wouldnt have even been a reason I would have left solely, but he just stopped caring, so needless to say I was already playing single parent, now I am full time to our 3 yr old, 15 month old, and 3 month old.

    It seems when I found one thing out a whole other slew of lies came crashing down, so it is hard accepting reality, but I agree that you do what you need to to be happy. Our oldest ask about her dad almost everyday on when hes coming home, it hurts, but you just suck it up and remember you have to be happy yourself to show your kids what happiness is or even for yourself.

    If you decide on divorce and yall can agree on everything, it isnt that expensive, however if you foresee yall arent, well my divorce cost about $6K+. If yall have tried counseling (as you said) and it is not producing a positive outcome, I would leave. Everyone focuses on the better or worse part in vows and not the rest, if your spouse is not acting like a spouse should, well then that is not keeping the vows they took anyways, ya know the "LOVE" part. :/

    Good luck girl, and as for people saying you shouldnt post this here, its for support, no one has to read much less reply, if they have an issue with it. Hope you find your comfort or guidance to do what you need too. *hugs*
  • Bikini27
    Bikini27 Posts: 1,298 Member
    Options
    I can relate to the loneliness and the lack of communication about the state of the relationship. In my situation, though, there were no children involved, just a mortgage.

    I was tired of fighting the good fight and finally quit fighting, which is what lead to the divorce. Even through that process, he refused to talk to me about what happened. I kind of went balistic on him a couple of times, but in the end it was the settling of the assets that made him come unglued and start hurreling insults and the things he thought had happened at me.

    It was brutal, and it took a long time to get over. If there is any chance you can save your marriage, please take those steps. Divorce, with a child involved no less, is a harrowing experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But if there is no chance of happiness with this man, please seek the assistance of a lawyer and your family to get through it.

    :flowerforyou:
  • XXXMinnieXXX
    XXXMinnieXXX Posts: 3,459 Member
    Options
    Please ignore the people who say stay. They've clearly never been in an abusive relationship and let's be frank here this is what is is. An abusive relationship. Go to a debt management company and get them to consolidate your debts into one smaller payment. Yes you can't get credit afterwards but its a small price to pay! You and those kiddies deserve better. Nobody deserves this. I believe he probably is depressed but its no excuse for treating people like that! Go get half an hour with a solicitor find out what you'd be entitled to. Make moves to get out. I didn't have kids, but got out of an abusive relationship and now I have an amzing finace and step kids. Life can be great again x
  • Steelheart7
    Steelheart7 Posts: 1,056
    Options
    Fear can be paralyzing. Fear of the unknown. Fear of how can I do this, I will never make it on my own. I lived with that fear for half of my 14 year marriage. I am out now, divorced, own my own home .. custody of my son and could not be happier. It was awful going through it, getting past it .. but now I am on the other side and I wish I would have done it sooner. People told me I would feel like this eventually, I didn't believe them. But .. its true.

    Living in fear and being sad and hurt and lonely and constantly trying to fix it is no way to live. You are beating yourself down every day. I tried for years because I believed in the vow I took before God. Once it becomes toxic, it is no good for you.

    Hugs. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
  • mrsknotts
    mrsknotts Posts: 115
    Options
    I was only married three years and felt that way. So I left. No reason to be unhappy, and it was the best decision I have ever made.
  • dlyeates
    dlyeates Posts: 875 Member
    Options
    I suggest working on yourself in your marriage. You married him for a reason and sometimes when we get down, not getting our needs met and start focusing on all the little things that piss us off we forget all the things we do like about the person and what drew us to them in the first place.

    I also recommend getting the book "The Love Dare" (about $15 at Target). It's a 40 day challenge that only works on you. It is not meant to change the other person or make them act differently. I've done it 3 times and I think I have a pretty good marriage but each time I've learned more about myself and what I can do to make my marriage happier for me!!!

    Along with the book (where it was derived from) is the movie Fireproof. I highly recommend watching it. Kind of cheesy acting but has Kurt Cameron so it's not that bad. And even my hubby liked it!!!

    Good luck and you can message me if you need to talk or want more info!!
  • samantha1373
    samantha1373 Posts: 23
    Options
    keep trying to find a Councillor for you. and lay it out there with the Councillor, bc they do need to see both sides! a GOOD councilor doesn't place blame they give you the tools you need to deal with your issues singular and as a couple. I think you cant ignore the people who say stay OR the people who say Go. However i think you need to do whats BEST for you and your children, You need a support team, have you looked into any church groups, i'm not religious at all, but having had a familily member who has gone through this (with three children) i know her community and church was her biggest supporter, her family wasn't supportive and she certainly learned which friends were her TRUE friends. Now they split for about 6 months and did counselling and at first she was NEVER going back, but they worked through it bc it MATTERED to them and they still fight for the relationship and work for it every day, and the separation caused them debt among other things. If a person hasnt' helped maybe a book? or an online forum with suggestions on exercises. But you need to make him talk to you. I know How lonely and thankless it can with with three kids, I couldn't imagine the stress special needs children put on a marriage, godbless them, but they are work!no matter what you do with your husband , YOU need to find a support system for YOU!
  • Donnacoach
    Donnacoach Posts: 540 Member
    Options
    My husband and I had a very rocky relationship for many years. I got depressed so I got some help. I met with our Priest several times and he, YES HE, told me that I needed to get out of the house to wake my husband up. I left for three months and it was devastating, because I still loved my husband. After basically going off the deep end, emotionally, I realized that I didn't want to live my life without this man. He is my best friend, but he needed to know that he needed help too. He felt as though my councilor and our Priest ganged up on him and got pretty angry. This is also when he realized that he had a problem too though. He didn't go for any help, but he totally changed his outlook on so many different things. He realized if he didn't change he was going to lose me. I am happy to say we have been married for almost 27 years. Yes there were and still are bumpy roads that we have to travel on, but together we have made it work. Get some help. You deserve to be happy and if that means you are no longer with your husband then so be it. Marriage is a two way street and many people don't realize that. Good luck to you.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    Options
    I suggest working on yourself in your marriage. You married him for a reason and sometimes when we get down, not getting our needs met and start focusing on all the little things that piss us off we forget all the things we do like about the person and what drew us to them in the first place.


    "Little things" like allowing their child with special needs to sit all day in a dirty diaper? What should the OP do about HERSELF to fix that problem?
  • anolan807
    anolan807 Posts: 273 Member
    Options
    Whatever the problem is, I would try my best to work it out no matter what! Remember u guys said for better, or for worse! Every marriage has their worst, better to work things out now, then start fresh with someone else with a whole new set of problems, plus if u guys have kids together it's 100% worth every effort, why screw their futures up. U are their role models, show them what not giving up means. I've never met anybody who's happy in their marriage all the time, and some have more downs then ups. Don't be just another statistic! I believe anything is workable, I've seem the worst turn into the best just because they never gave up! Their way further then they would have been starting over with someone new, and their children have benefited from it! And I am one of them :)

    I wish I knew what to do to fix this problem, I really do. I am not even considering another relationship because this one has really done a job on me, I couldn't imagine ever starting over with another person. These issues came up in 2005, almost overnight. I was told he may be bipolar, but he laughed about that. He's also OCD and refuses to believe that too. I know that there might be some medication that could help or a combination of meds and counseling but he refuses to believe there is anything wrong with him. I guess I don't know how much more work I could put into this when I'm the only one doing it.

    At my age (42) I'm aware that marriages aren't perfect, I never expected to have no issues or troubles in my marriage or my life, but this is miserable. He is more than willing to go to counseling, but he isn't honest once we go, if i bring something up he does that bothers me, when we leave he'll start yelling at me accusing me of "starting trouble", anyway.. I'm the one who ultimately has to make a move. thanks
    With this information I would say you need to move out. You need to get you and your children in a safer place. If he can't help himself then he can not help you nor his children.
  • Bridget28152723
    Bridget28152723 Posts: 372 Member
    Options
    Hey, I've never been married, so you may not want my opinion, but I have had parents and grandparents, friends and siblings with spouses, and (especially in reference to my grandparents who were married ('til death do they part) for fifty years) I know one thing for a fact: the bigger the hurdle you overcome, the bigger the reward.

    I like what Lynn said. Get counseling. Get help. Talk to friends, professionals. Stage an intervention. Drag his *kitten* to church. Whatever. Just fight! FIGHT FOR THIS.

    Wedding vows are no joke. Standing at the altar means standing up for something. Fight for him for the next 10 years, and if you still want a divorce after that, who am I to tell you otherwise? But I assure you that won't be the case.

    You will find a kind of love and connection like you've never known. This marriage can, and will be, brand new.

    Love this^^^^^ we had a few rough times of course but we got thru it. If you past the point of wanting to make it work , thats a whole different thing. To me marriage is until death , unless there is adultery taking place. I love my husband so much we met when I was only 14 and he was 15. Im 31 now we have 4 kids and thats probably what has held us together but its love mostly . LOve conquers all....people take marriage like its a long date, its not and thats why so many people get divorced as soon as they start getting annoyed, you may have legitimate reason for your feeling , Get the root and he's gonna have to talk about it with you sooner or later. remember why you fell in love with him. Marriage is a huge commitment I didnt know what it was all about I was 19 when we got married ,but I am a Christian now so thats is why we make it work and I have respect for him and vice versa. if you are truly sad and lonely maybe you could separate and both of you could work on yourselves then who know. Sorry for your pain, hope something happens good for you.

Categories