Would you date someone whose religion is different than your

katiew00t
katiew00t Posts: 164
edited November 12 in Chit-Chat
My last relationship ended because he is Agnostic and I am a Christian. We finally had the "religion talk" and he said he wouldn't allow his children to go to church. That was a big deal to me, considering I grew up going to church 2x/week. I told him I couldn't raise children without bringing them to church, so we broke up.

Now that we have been apart for several months, I have been actually excited to meet someone with the same beliefs as me, because I have never made religion a priority in my dating life before.

Well..now my ex has changed his tune a little, and says he'd allow his children to go to church. He misses me, still loves me, etc, etc, and wants to get back together. Great! But is he going to ignore everything relating to God except the going to church part? For example, if I am having a conversation about God to my kids, is he just going to leave the room? I really don't see how I can keep God in my life AND my ex at the same time.

How important do you think it is to date someone who has the same religious beliefs as you? I want your opinions, please!
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Replies

  • warmachinejt
    warmachinejt Posts: 2,162 Member
    i don't believe in fairies and i wouldn't care what my partner believed in. I would not stop my kids from going to church, that would be silly...
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
    To me, being agnostic/borderline atheist (if something's up there, it doesn't like me very much), I never wanted to date someone I would consider 'highly' religious. To me, insistance that my children go to church would be out of line. Should they decide to without parental influence then that's fine by me, but Sundays to me are a family day and that family doesn't include a deity.

    There is too much potential for conflict, especially if one side is very commited to one religion and the other to another viewpoint, and especially in the case of children where both parents would want what they think/believe is best for them.
  • halobender
    halobender Posts: 780 Member
    To me it doesn't matter at all; I've dated girls who were very religious (ranging from baptist to mormon) and I don't really care. I'm an atheist/agnostic. In so much as I just don't care about it in the least.

    Personally I probably wouldn't want my kids (were I ever to have any) growing up in the church, but that's me. I like the idea of quietly religious.

    But that's certainly something that is to each their own and it sounds like it's something that you're going to have to put more emphasis on in terms of dating. If you want your kids to grow up with religion, you'll likely need to be with someone who shares your belief system.
  • FadedFreckles
    FadedFreckles Posts: 81 Member
    Firstly I think it's important that if you get back with your ex and do end up having children with him it's just as important that your children know what their dad believes even if that is nothing. If in your example you are talking about god and creationism would you allow your ex to talk to them about the theory of evolution for example?

    Secondly I have a friend who was in a situation very like yours. She dated a wonderful guy for two years and then they split because he was agnostic. They spent about a year apart but realised that they loved each other and put it aside. They have been married for five years or so now and have a baby son. I do know their son is being brought up Christian but I dont know what arrangement they have that works for them.
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
    It matters alot, because it creeps in and affects everything. When the kids come home from school and say that their teacher told them about God, or when the neighbor tells your kids about the bible and Jesus...there are so many situations I've run into, not having the same belief would be so difficult. The kids would ask you, and you would say one thing, then dad would declare that it's all BS, and the kids would wonder, WTF.

    It is very, very important. And, people that tell you otherwise have not been married with kids. I just don't see how it could possibly work at all. The only way it might work is if he was sort of ambivilent about it, so he truly didn't care either way, and it didn't bother him, and he could go along with it, kind of like Santa Claus. But, if he's not on board in the Santa Claus kind of way, forget it. It will not work out.

    The underpinnings of religion do not jive with the general belief of an athiest or agnostic at all. And, on that topic, you'll always have a difficult time with your spouse. It's really a bad idea.

    Now that we're talking marriage advice, also with religion, put financial goals ahead of everything too. It doesn't seem like a big deal now, but money is one of the main causes of divorce. You guys have to be on the same page, otherwise it's hell.
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
    Well..now my ex has changed his tune a little, and says he'd allow his children to go to church.
    And you believe him, that's cute.
  • clydethecat
    clydethecat Posts: 1,087 Member
    i briefly dated a christian man. i'm non religious, my relationship with god is private, and for my eyes only. so it didn't work.

    if you think the relationship is heading to marriage and kids, you have to have the talk. lay on the line exactly what you expect and what he expects for everything from which side of the bed, to how you want to teach your children about religion.
  • sarahgilmore
    sarahgilmore Posts: 572 Member
    I'm very atheist, anti-religion. I couldn't be in a serious relationship with someone religious.
    My husband is more agnostic and even that borders on being a problem. He has no issues with the kids going to church if they want (but he's not taking them, i.e. go with a friend) wheras I'm totally against them going at all.
  • katiew00t
    katiew00t Posts: 164
    Well..now my ex has changed his tune a little, and says he'd allow his children to go to church.
    And you believe him, that's cute.

    gee, thanks.

    Thank you (everyone else) for your responses! Keep them comin'!
  • D446
    D446 Posts: 266 Member
    No. I am not religious and I wouldn't date sOmeone who was.
  • iqnas
    iqnas Posts: 445 Member
    No. I wouldn't date someone whose religion is different than mine.
  • kayleesays
    kayleesays Posts: 564 Member
    I'm an Athiest and would prefer to date Athiests and Agnostics. Blind faith is just not something I can be intimate with as a woman of science.

    I wouldn't want my kids to go to church unless I'd educated them about all the different ideas about the origin of the universe and they personally decided to explore that religion.
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
    Well..now my ex has changed his tune a little, and says he'd allow his children to go to church.
    And you believe him, that's cute.

    gee, thanks.

    Thank you (everyone else) for your responses! Keep them comin'!
    Do you think I'm joking? Honey. Think about it for a few seconds. He didn't suddenly do a 180 on his beliefs. He's telling you what you want to hear to get you back. Open your eyes OK?
  • Happymom12
    Happymom12 Posts: 114 Member
    Being a Christian I think it is very important that you believe the same way. The bible does talk about you needing to be evenly yolk with the person you are with. This is my opinion ofcourse everyone has their own.
  • glitterpiss
    glitterpiss Posts: 113
    I would never, ever date anyone who is religious. Its just one thing I wouldn't be able to see past and it would create problems in our relationship. I don't really think I would be able to be attracted to someone who I found out is religious, its pretty repulsive to me, an absolute deal breaker.
  • katiew00t
    katiew00t Posts: 164
    Well..now my ex has changed his tune a little, and says he'd allow his children to go to church.
    And you believe him, that's cute.

    gee, thanks.

    Thank you (everyone else) for your responses! Keep them comin'!
    Do you think I'm joking? Honey. Think about it for a few seconds. He didn't suddenly do a 180 on his beliefs. He's telling you what you want to hear to get you back. Open your eyes OK?

    ...I'm going to keep my mouth shut and just ignore you.
  • BrunetteRunner87
    BrunetteRunner87 Posts: 591 Member
    I'm a Christian and my bf is agnostic. For me religion is very personal so I'd rather be w someone who believes nothing than someone forcing his beliefs on me. We've discussed beliefs and were fine agreeing to disagree. As for kids I want them to choose their own religion so I will take them to church if they want. I want them to be educated about all religions and we've agreed that if there ever were children we would tell them what we believe if they ask, but make sure they know it's our beliefs and not make it sound like absolute truth. Idk works out well for me.
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
    Well..now my ex has changed his tune a little, and says he'd allow his children to go to church.
    And you believe him, that's cute.

    gee, thanks.

    Thank you (everyone else) for your responses! Keep them comin'!
    Do you think I'm joking? Honey. Think about it for a few seconds. He didn't suddenly do a 180 on his beliefs. He's telling you what you want to hear to get you back. Open your eyes OK?

    ...I'm going to keep my mouth shut and just ignore you.
    Try looking up the word "gullible" in the dictionary, sweetie. Sorry if the extremely obvious truth offends you.
  • Lleldiranne
    Lleldiranne Posts: 5,516 Member
    It depends a lot on what your comfort level is, and his, with different beliefs. Like you said, when you're talking about God with your kids, what is he going to do? More importantly, is he going to be telling them that it's not necessarily true? It will send a mixed message for sure. And besides the kids, I'm sure that you will be living the tenets of your beliefs, how is he going to behave toward that? Giving offerings, giving up something for lent, and other things that you might see as a standard "this is what we do" may be challenging to him, and how he reacts to it could be a challenge to you, and to your relationship: will he respect your actions which are based on beliefs. Does that make sense?

    I think this is why sociologists say that being different religions is one of the top causes of marital problems (up there with finances).

    Dating, as in a casual relationship, it might not bother me. But dating, as in a serious relationship, looking forward to children together/marriage/combining into one household, I think being different religions would be a serious speed bump.
  • D446
    D446 Posts: 266 Member
    Well..now my ex has changed his tune a little, and says he'd allow his children to go to church.
    And you believe him, that's cute.

    gee, thanks.

    Thank you (everyone else) for your responses! Keep them comin'!
    Do you think I'm joking? Honey. Think about it for a few seconds. He didn't suddenly do a 180 on his beliefs. He's telling you what you want to hear to get you back. Open your eyes OK?

    Maybe he didn't do a 180 on his beliefs, but he has decided to allow his kids to go to church
  • BrunetteRunner87
    BrunetteRunner87 Posts: 591 Member
    I think this is condescending and unasked for.
  • D446
    D446 Posts: 266 Member
    Well..now my ex has changed his tune a little, and says he'd allow his children to go to church.
    And you believe him, that's cute.

    gee, thanks.

    Thank you (everyone else) for your responses! Keep them comin'!
    Do you think I'm joking? Honey. Think about it for a few seconds. He didn't suddenly do a 180 on his beliefs. He's telling you what you want to hear to get you back. Open your eyes OK?

    ...I'm going to keep my mouth shut and just ignore you.
    Try looking up the word "gullible" in the dictionary, sweetie. Sorry if the extremely obvious truth offends you.

    I think the way you are speaking so condescendingly is more offensive
  • TheMaidOfAstolat
    TheMaidOfAstolat Posts: 3,222 Member
    As a Christian I have dated men who are not...all of those relationships failed. I dated and married a man who is/was Christian, it didn't work out but it had nothing to do with beliefs. I have a few friends that are in relationships that have lasted even though their beliefs are different. It can work, but both of you must compromise. My friend grew up in a home where her father was Buddist and her mother was Catholic, she attended church with both parents. Two weeks with mom two week with dad, she no longer believes in either faith, she is agnostic. It's your choice to be with this man...but think of the future. If you were to have children with him and he wouldn't allow them to attend church, it could destroy your marriage. Be careful.
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
    Well..now my ex has changed his tune a little, and says he'd allow his children to go to church.
    And you believe him, that's cute.

    gee, thanks.

    Thank you (everyone else) for your responses! Keep them comin'!
    Do you think I'm joking? Honey. Think about it for a few seconds. He didn't suddenly do a 180 on his beliefs. He's telling you what you want to hear to get you back. Open your eyes OK?

    Maybe he didn't do a 180 on his beliefs, but he has decided to allow his kids to go to church
    He doesn't HAVE kids. He's talking about fictional children. He started out completely adamant and then changed his tune in order to get his way.
  • fiberartist219
    fiberartist219 Posts: 1,865 Member
    If you want to hold out for someone who believes what you do and you think your life might be easier that way, that's what you should do. Raise your kids however you want. However, please don't be mad at them if they still decide on something else as adults.

    I'm an atheist, and I have countless stories of how uncomfortable it is when someone doesn't accept me for my religion or lack thereof. Yes, I have dated people with faith before, and yes, I sat quietly when religious topics came up. I'm never going to speak up and shout it from the rooftops that I don't believe, but I'm not going to chime in at prayer time either. I would never tell someone that their religion is "wrong" and I'd prefer that they give me the same respect.

    I did end up marrying another atheist, but even then, we still don't see eye to eye on all things spiritual. We don't want kids though, so the issue of how they would be raised isn't really an issue.
  • Marie92281
    Marie92281 Posts: 194 Member
    hi! I am a believer and my husband believes but does not attend church with us and does not live his life according to scipture. I think it is very important to have Christ in the center of your marriage because with Christ at the Center that will be your focus.
    Its hard and marriage is hard and why go into a relation ship where you dont belive in the same thing?
  • Lleldiranne
    Lleldiranne Posts: 5,516 Member
    I'm an Athiest and would prefer to date Athiests and Agnostics. Blind faith is just not something I can be intimate with as a woman of science.

    I wouldn't want my kids to go to church unless I'd educated them about all the different ideas about the origin of the universe and they personally decided to explore that religion.

    Interesting. I am a woman of science (math major, physics minor) and very religious and I see no inconstancies. Science cannot explain the things of faith and spirituality, they are different realms. And I'm okay with that.
    Not all faith is blind. There are some people who have very illuminated reasons for what they believe. Just because you can't understand it or see it doesn't mean the believer is blind.
  • Eats_With_A_Fist_Returns
    Eats_With_A_Fist_Returns Posts: 77
    With dating/marriage, I think it's really important, specifically because the issue of kids has to be considered. It might not be a problem at first, but if one of you suddenly decides that the issue is very important then how much trouble might it cause?

    General friendships though...no way man. I think that we should all be able to talk about our beliefs with one another and enjoy the company of others who have drastically different religions, cultures, etc. Of course personalities don't always let that happen..but c'est la vie.
  • BrunetteRunner87
    BrunetteRunner87 Posts: 591 Member
    [/quote]

    I think the way you are speaking so condescendingly is more offensive
    [/quote]

    You're not being condescending I meant the big eyes girl is.

    Besides last I checked relationships are all about compromise
  • katiew00t
    katiew00t Posts: 164
    Well..now my ex has changed his tune a little, and says he'd allow his children to go to church.
    And you believe him, that's cute.

    gee, thanks.

    Thank you (everyone else) for your responses! Keep them comin'!
    Do you think I'm joking? Honey. Think about it for a few seconds. He didn't suddenly do a 180 on his beliefs. He's telling you what you want to hear to get you back. Open your eyes OK?

    Maybe he didn't do a 180 on his beliefs, but he has decided to allow his kids to go to church
    He doesn't HAVE kids. He's talking about fictional children. He started out completely adamant and then changed his tune in order to get his way.


    He doesn't have kids? Really? Do you actually know ME or HIM? No. So read the original post where all I asked for was people's opinions on dating someone a different religion than you. I am not asking for your opinions on my actual relationship.
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