Forgiveness - how do you do it???

Been there...I carried a lot of bitterness...A LOT...it consumed my every thought, my every waking moment, my every sleeping moment...and then that "a-ha" moment...here's the religion part...one day at Church, the Pastor spoke of forgiveness...honestly, although my a-ha moment, I can't remember the sermon, other than because God loved us so much he sacrificed his only son to forgive us of our sins, how could I NOT forgive the man who tormented my life for 3 years with abuse (but gave me my most precious gift - my daughter)? It took some soul-searching on my part...I had started to enjoy the bitterness - the angry thoughts, I had begun to enourage it within me. Now here's the tricky part - in order to forgive you have to confront that person, tell them out loud you forgive them. You don't have to get into any discussion about it and you absolutely cannot expect an "I'm sorry"...just simply say, "I forgive you for what you've done"...and then turn around and walk away...the power in that moment...the weight lifted off your shoulders is amazing!! And then you have to let it go...doesn't mean you can't think about, or talk about it, but you have to let the bitterness, anger and hurt go. Forgive but don't forget. Seriously...what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. I will never get those 3 years back, but they've made me who I am today and I'm so much better for it! If you can't confront the person, then I suggest writing a letter of forgiveness and then either burning it or setting it free in a balloon...very cathardic! I promise you, you will feel better, and every aspect of your life will change, once you can free the negativity!

The key to forgiveness for me has been to understand that people do things for reasons that make sense to THEM. Everyone is on their own journey in their own life. And usually, they are in their own pain and sadness and struggle. So if they do something that hurts you, just remember that they are in a lot of pain too. Can you honestly say that you've never hurt anyone? I know I have certainly hurt people in the past -- not because I was a bad person, but because I was doing what I had to do. So that is how I have learned to forgive people: by remembering that I am the same as they are. By remembering that they are in pain just like I am, and that sometimes these things just happen.

However, as other posters have mentioned above, forgiving is about letting go your bad baggage, but it does NOT mean that you give your trust to such a person again. If somebody hurt you and behaved in a dishonest, disrespectful or dangerous manner, you should certainly keep them at a distance from you!

Most people seem to be saying a version of, "Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself."

This sounds sappy, I know, and it will probably take a few years before you can let go of the anger towards someone who hurt you so deeply. But you will not be able to move on and find a new love, until you can get over this man who has abused your trust.

I went through a similar experience, and honestly, am much happier now. But it took a few years to get here!

Chin up! Things do get better. But you have to work to make them that way....it's all up to you!

Forgive but never forget. There are very few actions in my life I can never forgive

IMO I believe that when you step back from the situation and realize that we are a product of our experiences then it is easier to forgive.

For example, an adult who grew up with an abusive childhood is going to handle challenges differently then someone who may have had a happy childhood. I am not making excuses for bad behavior just saying that compassion melts away that anger and allows forgiveness.

my bitterness was cause by my MIL and it took me 8 years to be over every evil thing she's done and said. I was able to achieve forgiveness by daily bible reading, and it just showed me what type of Christian I should be. I also realized that she would never change and the changing had to come from me. When you have a moment, please read 1 Peter 3:9-12. What made me finally forgive her and talk to her was the part where it says, "...seek peace and pursue it." I could no longer live bitter at life and everyone. Now when I see her, it's like NOTHING every happened, my blood no longer boils.

While I realize this throws religion into the mix, I've always struggled with forgiveness. And when I was in college (I went to a Catholic university) I went to mass every Sunday night and we had this awesome priest. I will never forget this one sermon he gave about forgiveness. He said that while forgiveness is so very important, it's ok if we don't forget and it's ok if we are still hurt by something someone has done to us. Instead of harboring resentment, appreciate what that person did as a learning experience and use it to shape the rest of your life in a positive way.

You don't ever have to be friendly with that person, or even speak to them whatsoever, but being able to say "While what you have done has changed my life, I am moving forward with it instead of staying in place." Wish the best for that person so that perhaps they don't make the same mistake again and hurt someone else.

That is all WAYYYY easier said than done, but it's something I try to remind myself every time I'm hurt or angry about something. In turn, it's made me a much happier, stress-free person

forgiveness starts out as a decision, just becasue you forgive doent mean you wont still hurt or forget about the hurt. Time is about the only thing that will make it go away. If you were in an abusive relationship (I was in past) you have to decide to take you life back. How you do this will depend on you be it counciling, religion, alcohol, friends whatever.. It will be what works for you.
I have been where you are and come out the other side. It took some time but it is WONDERFUL and GLORIOUS on the other side. Your kids will watch you and learn from your struggles.. Do it for you, but allow your kids to learn also..

Well... I have been in your shoes ( a loooong time ago) I don't think you ever forget what they've done to hurt you, and I can't really say I've ever "forgiven" him either. What I can say, is I didn't allow him to have that power over my life... I made a decision to prove him and everyone else wrong. I AM CAPABLE of raising my children on my own, I AM BEAUTIFUL and there are plenty of others that see that in me, I AM STRONG and will fight for myself and my kids to my very last breath... I think you have to let that hurt turn to anger, which then turns to determination to shove it all back in their face when you have overcome and TRIUMPHED without him.

In order to get forgivenss you need to forgive. If you wanted forgivenss woulnt you want that peson to forgive you. I know its easier said than done but giving forgivenss is so freeing and that burden is lifted off of you. God will not give you anything that you cant handle if you need to give it over to him and he can help you. God has big shoulders and i say release it upon him and forgive and work on you. Good luck.

I agree that most of it has to do with u getting better I understand how u r feeling, b/c I am dealing with the same things with my daughter's father but I have learned it's about me moving on. He has not changed but I can deal with things alot better since I have accepted and moved on from the past. It is difficult sometimes b/c right now I feel like parts of me have changed and I am more guarded and right now I don't want to date, but I am happy where I am right now. I just focus on raising my daughter's and staying in the word of God b/c that has gotten me through it all. It will take time you will get there. Life is a journey of experiences as long as at the end you say I did it and I made it!

I sometimes have a hard time expressing myself so forgive me if I sound like I am babbling!!

I am not sure you can always forgive and I think many who try to find ways to do so become consumed into it…what I prefer to do is make them regret. In this I mean by improving myself in being the best I can be at all that I do so that they regret what they did or the fact that they lost out on me/it. And it does not matter to me if they do not think I am the best at it or not as long as I believe! They ruined my life so at this point there opinion does not matter to me anymore.

Referring to your “flaws.” Are they true flaws or are they flaws that are there because others are making you believe they are true? Remember your true friends will be honest with you and tell you if they are indeed flaws and then be there to help you find ways to improve them.

Last year I left my husband. I have a 2 and a 3 year old. For the last few years I was told how stupid I am. What a ***** I am. I was made to feel worthless. And I started to believe it. But it wasn't until he was screaming at me and my daughter told me she was scared that I had the guts to leave.

I will never be the person I was before I married him. I miss that person. I miss that confidence. But like others have said, I can be a "new" person. I can pick myself up, brush myself off and move on. I don't forgive him for being a horrible person. But I forgive myself for being with him and staying for as long as I did. So now I am focusing on me. And THAT is what you need to do. Focus on getting yourself healthy. Mentally and physically. Even if that means getting help from a counselor.

Once you focus on you and being the amazing person you can be, then you can be an amazing person for your kids. You kids will thrive and flourish because you are in a good place.

One thing that is really helping me is telling myself that I am worth it. And I am.

I read this the other day and I just keep reading it:
You are beautiful. You are enough. The world we live in is twisted and broken and for your entire life you will be subjected to all kinds of lies that tell you that you are not enough. You are not thin enough. You are not tan enough. You are not smooth, soft, shiny, firm, tight, fit, silky..., blonde, hairless enough. Your teeth are not white enough. Your legs are not long enough. Your clothes are not stylish enough. You are not educated enough. You don’t have enough experience. You are not creative enough.

There is a beauty industry, a fashion industry, a television industry, (and most unfortunately) a pornography industry: and all of these have unique ways of communicating to bright young women: you are not beautiful, sexy, smart or valuable enough.

You must have the clarity and common sense to know that none of that is true. None of it.

You were created for a purpose, exactly so. You have innate value. You are loved more than you could ever comprehend; it is mind-boggling how much you are adored. There has never been, and there will never be another you. Therefore, you have unique thoughts to offer the world. They are only yours, and we all lose out if you are too fearful to share them.

You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are enough.

I think forgiveness is challenging. Having said that when I have been able to forgive it has been one of the most valuable things I have done for myself. I still have trouble forgiving one individual. Try as I might to let go, I still hold onto the anger and mistrust toward that one person. I'd like to let go. I know it is only hurting me - not the other person. I think time will help.

Yes................I agree completely.

I have forgiven MOST of what happened between my 'x' and I. I do not rage at him, I do not hate him, I actually feel sorry for him........but I will never get back the years of sadness and despair, the pain and longing, the part of me I gave up so that he would be happy.

So, in order to deal with the loss, I decided to take care of ME! I became very, very selfish........my children were grown, I had my own place, I had my own money.........and I stopped CARING what he did, and moved forward with what I had wanted all those years. I travelled. I bought nice things for myself. I learned to drive and bought a car, then a nicer car. Inch by inch, I made up for those years of sadness..........

Now? I am happier, healthier, in SUCH a better place. It took a long time..........but it's been SO worth it!

To the OP...........you, too, will get there. Begin to realize YOUR worth, and allow those who love you to give you what you need.............become authentic and true to YOU. It really does work. The shackles of your anger will fall away, and you will begin to naturally forgive, and yes, even forget :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

Bottom line. . focus on your kids and your life. .focus on what you have to do, not what happened in the past. It's impossible for awhile, but when you make plans and set goals. . it's amazing how much your brain WANTS to think about those plans and goals. . Those are the things that will save you. .

Good Luck!

God bless you.............for taking life into your own hands, and for doing the right thing for your child. For finding purpose, and for being driven to happiness.