Failing Marriage
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...If your marriage does come to an end, it might not look to well on you that 'the internet told me to leave you'. I would seriously suggest you find someone who can be impartial about this. Even if it's someone who you can vent to, if he won't agree to couples counseling.
The two of you need to have a Serious Talk. I'm not talking fighting, or snapping at each other. You need to tell him without blaming him how you feel - and he needs to do the same. If you need to, write down what you want in your marriage. Have him do the same. Compare notes.
I don't feel that staying in a strained, painful relationship is a good thing - especially when one half of that partnership refuses to help salvage what you've made. With that said, I think an attempt needs to be made. (I'm not in your relationship, nor do I know you IRL so I have no idea if there has been.)
Before I say this, let me state a disclaimer: I do not mean any ill will saying this. I don't mean to be rude, but I think you've already made up your mind. I think you're to the point where you don't want to fight to make the relationship better. Maybe you've changed too much, and you aren't the same person you were a few years ago. And that's okay. He's not required to like this new person you are (or were, but are tired of hiding, whichever.) And that's okay, too. It's up to the two of you, on the other hand to make the transition from nuclear family to single parents as stress free as possible for your kids. That means no bad mouthing from either one of you.
Good luck.0 -
I haven't read all the replies, but this is just my "two cents"....I'm not sure staying together for the kids is necessarily the right decision. Kids can sense when things aren't right. I think they would rather have two happy parents who aren't together than two parents who are together but miserable. And you are sooo young still.....can you see another 50 years of this? As well, from your age I gather your kids are very young, so perhaps the transition if you do split up wouldn't be as difficult as if they were older. However, you need to make the best decision for your family....as suggested perhaps talking to a professional together would help to see if you can come to an agreement on religion (which seems to be a tough one if parents don't agree on it). Good luck with everything!0
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Unfortunately, some/most people on here are not empathetic enough to offer a shoulder to cry on or at least advice.
I have no advice to give except understanding and a big hug.
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk/vent x0 -
No one would be married if they divorced every time they disagree on something. 3 years isn't much time. I think if you run when things aren't perfect, the cycle will repeat again on the next husband. Marriage isn't all rainbows. You want it to be, but realistically it isn't.
Good luck to you!0 -
As someone who has been married for almost 19 years (together 22 years) I think this is the best post yet. Just because the sparks have faded doesn't mean you aren't in love. That hot, passionate, new romance feeling can't last all the time. It has to fade or you'd never accomplish anything else in your life.So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?
If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.
True love is not fallen into. True love comes after many years of living together... arguing... compromising... supporting. I think most long term marriages go through times when neither person feels "in love" with the other. I know in my 22 year marriage there have been times when I disliked my husband. I almost left him several times, and I'm sure he almost left me too.
But when the chips are down, he is always there for me. You don't get that from someone until you have stayed through some tough times. Three years is not enough time to build the loyalty and true love you are looking for.
If you leave now, you will eventually start over with someone else and go through similar difficulties with him.
True love is not romance... it is a partnership.
True love isn't flowers and sex and romance. True love is still there when the supple skin sags and wrinkles, when the 6 pack abs turn into a keg, when the greeting at the door after a long day with a kiss and a drink is replaced by being greeted by a messy house and a frazzled spouse and screaming kids. True love is far better than lust. You just have to be wise enough to know the difference.0 -
That said, it's worrisome that he's the kind of guy that doesn't want to do couples counseling. This is where you discuss that it's a deal breaker to NOT do couples counseling. That you've been considering ending your marriage because of your issues and that you would prefer to resolve them but if that he's not willing to compromise you're not willing to stay.
This. If he will not try to work with you on your marriage or try to accept your chosen religion and lifestyle then you have some red flags there. My ex did not respect me, he got upset at me over any little thing, and made fun of my beliefs. I was with him a year and a half longer than I wanted because my parents insisted that we "work it out". I was the only one "trying", he believed he was never wrong and was perfectly happy treating me the way he was. If he's not willing to work with you and insists you are the only one who needs to change, don't stay! No one deserves to be in an unhappy relationship.0 -
I have been with my husband 8 years...married almost 5. I am also only 25. The previous comments are right...things are not all peaches and cream all the time. I know you are pagan and he is some other religion...my husband is a hard core catholic and I am a strong lutheran. We do not agree on many things...we have 3 children and have had some serious disagreements about their future. In those moments when we don't agree, I'm not in love with him. When the argument is over and things have calmed down...something wonderful happens. I get the opportunity to fall in love with him all over again! That's one of my favorite parts of being married...so many times our daily lives and opinions conflict, but everyday something makes me fall in love all over. My advice is this...remember why you love him. Remember why you married him. That is what is important...not the fights or the disagreements. You loved each other for a reason and that reason is why you have your children. Love is NEVER easy, but it definitely worth fighting for!
That being said, only you know the situation fully. This is just my opinion based on what you've said. We don't know how he feels. Does he love you? Does he want a divorce? Does he even know you're considering it and how would that knowledge make him feel? Only you two can decide what is best for your future, but I hope you take some serious time to think about it.0 -
Counseling. No matter WHAT you choose, you WILL need it. Please do jot make any decisions without counseling.0
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youre not in love now per se but if you work on it and learn to love him it can happen if you are both willing. I would say marital counseling. Every relationship would fail if people gave up when they didnt see eye to eye and didnt feel in love. Marriage is work. And divorce will hurt kids. If there isnt any abuse then I say stay and figure out how to work it out. 3 yrs seems to be around the time you start to feel out of love and have to do the hard part and stay together.0
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I am sorry to see you are hurting, but if I was in your shoes......I would seek professional advice, from a counsler or therapist first. I would not make any rash disisons for now. Then I would approach my husband with my concers, but I would not but the blame on him. Try using "When you......I feel......" statements as this usually remove the blame and just express your feelings. I wish you the best of luck! I will keep you in Prayer!0
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So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?
If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.
No, I don't think you should.
I disagree with most people posting here who, in my opinion, are basically saying "suck it up, get over the fact that you're not happy because of the kids." I'm not saying you should walk away right away - maybe counseling would be a good idea - but if you have truly fallen out of love and you stay with this guy, you will slowly become miserable and over the years your kids will see that and it will be even harder for them than a divorce. I have friends who grew up in homes where there clearly wasn't love between the parents, and ALL of them have said they wish the parents had just gotten divorced because being at home felt so awkward after a while. The parents weren't mean or abusive or fighting all the time; these were just very forced relationships and it apparently sucked to be around them.
My parents got divorced when I was just a baby, and I grew up being raised by a single mother with weekends spent with my dad. They argued over who got me when, etc. And you know what? I'm not traumatized or anything from it. My mom did a great job raising me and it wasn't a problem. When I was 7 she remarried an awesome guy, and to this day I call him "dad."
So no, don't stay with this guy if you don't love him. Maybe give it a bit more of a chance, but if you ultimately decide you are unhappy, you need to get out. If you do it right, the kids will be just fine.0 -
So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?
If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.
True love is not fallen into. True love comes after many years of living together... arguing... compromising... supporting. I think most long term marriages go through times when neither person feels "in love" with the other. I know in my 22 year marriage there have been times when I disliked my husband. I almost left him several times, and I'm sure he almost left me too.
But when the chips are down, he is always there for me. You don't get that from someone until you have stayed through some tough times. Three years is not enough time to build the loyalty and true love you are looking for.
If you leave now, you will eventually start over with someone else and go through similar difficulties with him.
True love is not romance... it is a partnership.
This is outstanding advice.
Exactly. There will be many times when you're not "in love" with your spouse. Relationships grow and change. The commitment of marriage means you care enough to work thru the tough times. At least put your heart into finding common ground together. Remember the "for better or worse" part?0 -
My mother got out of her first marriage and it had a major impact on my older sister so she stayed in her marriage with my father and he was an alcoholic and that had a major impact on my life. But my parents are still married today and my father is no longer an alcoholic and while not certain if my life would have been better or worse, my parents relationship is strong for their 26 years of fighting through the problems. There is no easy answer as to what you should do but follow your heart and do what is best for all involved.0
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This is affecting our marriage. We don't see eye to eye anymore. I love him, however I really don't think I'm "in" love. I feel like it might be time to move on.
But how do I even do that? We have two children together. I'm afraid my children will hate me for leaving their father.
I'm not telling you to leave your husband or stay with him - only the two of you can make that call. But really, talk to him about how you're feeling, and see if the two of you can find a way to work things out, or agree to move on. DON'T think your kids are going to hate you - they would hate you more for staying in a relationship that wasn't going to work, and you'd be setting a terrible example for them by settling for less than what is best for both you and your husband.0 -
It's hard for me because my religious beliefs make him uncomfortable to the point he doesn't want me doing anything that would...I guess the word is "advertise" my religion.
Basically I have to "hide" it.
He even went so far as to insult me and my beliefs.
I love him, I do. But I just don't think I'm in love with him. I believe we only stuck it out this long because we had kids together.
It's your beliefs/religion. If he knew that part of you going in then he has no right to try and make you turn your back on what you believe. I'm not telling you to end your marriage i just feel noone has a right to tell you what you should or should not believe in.0 -
A marriage is a promise, and you shouldn't promise to stay with him "til death do you part" if you are going to leave all willy nilly. I'm sorry but this is just not the place to be seeking advice about marriage. It also seems like you have already made up your mind. There are plenty of gay people out there that would love to get married and stay married forever, but can't because people will say it will ruin "marriage." You are married, have a husband nice enough to let you be a stay at home mom and you are just going to throw it away like you can pick it up again tomorrow at the grocery store. Sorry for being blunt.0
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my husband and i have absolutely NOTHING in common. Down to the point of religion, family, pollitics, fitness, even down to im vegan and hes not, (you get the point). how we've stayed together is amazing. We might get in huge fights, we might be great, but you have to decide what's best for you and only you know that. You do need to talk to somebody personally as what was stated. Having children does make it much harder. Every decision impacts their lives. If you can't talk to each other, counseling is a great way, for you, him, or both. You can't change him, and if he isn't willing to change or compromise, you should think about if you can live with it. Pick your battles. If it's something really important to you, then stand up for it. If it isn't as important, just let it go. i wish you all the best and i hope everything works out for you.0
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"I love him but I'm not 'in love' with him." What does that mean anyway? Sounds like a line from a movie. I'm not "in love" with my husband 75% of the time either but I love him 100% of the time, and the 25% of the time I'm all giddy "in love" makes it worth it. Marriage is work. You have to work to maintain the "in love" feeling, you have to work to even just get along. You have children with this person. Try to make it work before you give up. Try for a good amount of time. 6 months to a year even.
Enough said!!!
Everyone else is asking....have you talked to YOUR HUSBAND about your thoughts? Communication is one of the most important parts of a marriage if you ask me!! You have to be able to talk to each other, whether it is good or bad, or you have nothing!!! Good luck.0 -
To all the people who replied with very snarky asshat remarks, go suck it.
To those that replied with actual advice and comfort. Thank you.0 -
decided my post wouldn't add anything of substance to the conversation............. Removed.0
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