Failing Marriage

...If your marriage does come to an end, it might not look to well on you that 'the internet told me to leave you'. I would seriously suggest you find someone who can be impartial about this. Even if it's someone who you can vent to, if he won't agree to couples counseling.

The two of you need to have a Serious Talk. I'm not talking fighting, or snapping at each other. You need to tell him without blaming him how you feel - and he needs to do the same. If you need to, write down what you want in your marriage. Have him do the same. Compare notes.

I don't feel that staying in a strained, painful relationship is a good thing - especially when one half of that partnership refuses to help salvage what you've made. With that said, I think an attempt needs to be made. (I'm not in your relationship, nor do I know you IRL so I have no idea if there has been.)

Before I say this, let me state a disclaimer: I do not mean any ill will saying this. I don't mean to be rude, but I think you've already made up your mind. I think you're to the point where you don't want to fight to make the relationship better. Maybe you've changed too much, and you aren't the same person you were a few years ago. And that's okay. He's not required to like this new person you are (or were, but are tired of hiding, whichever.) And that's okay, too. It's up to the two of you, on the other hand to make the transition from nuclear family to single parents as stress free as possible for your kids. That means no bad mouthing from either one of you.

Good luck.

Unfortunately, some/most people on here are not empathetic enough to offer a shoulder to cry on or at least advice.

I have no advice to give except understanding and a big hug.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk/vent x

So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?

If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.

True love is not fallen into. True love comes after many years of living together... arguing... compromising... supporting. I think most long term marriages go through times when neither person feels "in love" with the other. I know in my 22 year marriage there have been times when I disliked my husband. I almost left him several times, and I'm sure he almost left me too.

But when the chips are down, he is always there for me. You don't get that from someone until you have stayed through some tough times. Three years is not enough time to build the loyalty and true love you are looking for.

If you leave now, you will eventually start over with someone else and go through similar difficulties with him.

True love is not romance... it is a partnership.

As someone who has been married for almost 19 years (together 22 years) I think this is the best post yet. Just because the sparks have faded doesn't mean you aren't in love. That hot, passionate, new romance feeling can't last all the time. It has to fade or you'd never accomplish anything else in your life.

True love isn't flowers and sex and romance. True love is still there when the supple skin sags and wrinkles, when the 6 pack abs turn into a keg, when the greeting at the door after a long day with a kiss and a drink is replaced by being greeted by a messy house and a frazzled spouse and screaming kids. True love is far better than lust. You just have to be wise enough to know the difference.

I have been with my husband 8 years...married almost 5. I am also only 25. The previous comments are right...things are not all peaches and cream all the time. I know you are pagan and he is some other religion...my husband is a hard core catholic and I am a strong lutheran. We do not agree on many things...we have 3 children and have had some serious disagreements about their future. In those moments when we don't agree, I'm not in love with him. When the argument is over and things have calmed down...something wonderful happens. I get the opportunity to fall in love with him all over again! That's one of my favorite parts of being married...so many times our daily lives and opinions conflict, but everyday something makes me fall in love all over. My advice is this...remember why you love him. Remember why you married him. That is what is important...not the fights or the disagreements. You loved each other for a reason and that reason is why you have your children. Love is NEVER easy, but it definitely worth fighting for!

That being said, only you know the situation fully. This is just my opinion based on what you've said. We don't know how he feels. Does he love you? Does he want a divorce? Does he even know you're considering it and how would that knowledge make him feel? Only you two can decide what is best for your future, but I hope you take some serious time to think about it.

youre not in love now per se but if you work on it and learn to love him it can happen if you are both willing. I would say marital counseling. Every relationship would fail if people gave up when they didnt see eye to eye and didnt feel in love. Marriage is work. And divorce will hurt kids. If there isnt any abuse then I say stay and figure out how to work it out. 3 yrs seems to be around the time you start to feel out of love and have to do the hard part and stay together.

So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?

If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.

No, I don't think you should.

I disagree with most people posting here who, in my opinion, are basically saying "suck it up, get over the fact that you're not happy because of the kids." I'm not saying you should walk away right away - maybe counseling would be a good idea - but if you have truly fallen out of love and you stay with this guy, you will slowly become miserable and over the years your kids will see that and it will be even harder for them than a divorce. I have friends who grew up in homes where there clearly wasn't love between the parents, and ALL of them have said they wish the parents had just gotten divorced because being at home felt so awkward after a while. The parents weren't mean or abusive or fighting all the time; these were just very forced relationships and it apparently sucked to be around them.

My parents got divorced when I was just a baby, and I grew up being raised by a single mother with weekends spent with my dad. They argued over who got me when, etc. And you know what? I'm not traumatized or anything from it. My mom did a great job raising me and it wasn't a problem. When I was 7 she remarried an awesome guy, and to this day I call him "dad."

So no, don't stay with this guy if you don't love him. Maybe give it a bit more of a chance, but if you ultimately decide you are unhappy, you need to get out. If you do it right, the kids will be just fine.

My mother got out of her first marriage and it had a major impact on my older sister so she stayed in her marriage with my father and he was an alcoholic and that had a major impact on my life. But my parents are still married today and my father is no longer an alcoholic and while not certain if my life would have been better or worse, my parents relationship is strong for their 26 years of fighting through the problems. There is no easy answer as to what you should do but follow your heart and do what is best for all involved.

It's hard for me because my religious beliefs make him uncomfortable to the point he doesn't want me doing anything that would...I guess the word is "advertise" my religion.
Basically I have to "hide" it.

He even went so far as to insult me and my beliefs.

I love him, I do. But I just don't think I'm in love with him. I believe we only stuck it out this long because we had kids together.

It's your beliefs/religion. If he knew that part of you going in then he has no right to try and make you turn your back on what you believe. I'm not telling you to end your marriage i just feel noone has a right to tell you what you should or should not believe in.

my husband and i have absolutely NOTHING in common. Down to the point of religion, family, pollitics, fitness, even down to im vegan and hes not, (you get the point). how we've stayed together is amazing. We might get in huge fights, we might be great, but you have to decide what's best for you and only you know that. You do need to talk to somebody personally as what was stated. Having children does make it much harder. Every decision impacts their lives. If you can't talk to each other, counseling is a great way, for you, him, or both. You can't change him, and if he isn't willing to change or compromise, you should think about if you can live with it. Pick your battles. If it's something really important to you, then stand up for it. If it isn't as important, just let it go. i wish you all the best and i hope everything works out for you.

I have nothing in common with my husband except our love for animals and that we love eachother. He's into computers, I am into Photography. He's a vegetarian and I am not. I love texting, he barely uses his phone lol. He's a junk food junky, I am not. He is a video gamer, I am definitely not. I like facebook, he hates it. I was raised by 2 parents, he lived in placement. He's a neat freak, I am not. We are like night and day.

Think back to the second you fell in love with him and think about why you married him? There's a reason why you are together. Think about everything you have been through together and weigh the good and the bad. think or write down what marriage means to you and maybe share it with him. My mother-in-law told us to write positive things about eachother on post its and put them around the house so we both can see what we think of eachother.

Really hoping everything works out for you

I would strongly caution you to speak with someone who knows you personally, and not ask for advice on any life decisions from random people on the internet. I'm sorry you are hurting, but this really isn't where you want to turn to for relationship advice. REALLY bad idea.

This, maybe try some marriage counselling first x

It's hard for me because my religious beliefs make him uncomfortable to the point he doesn't want me doing anything that would...I guess the word is "advertise" my religion.
Basically I have to "hide" it.

He even went so far as to insult me and my beliefs.

I love him, I do. But I just don't think I'm in love with him. I believe we only stuck it out this long because we had kids together.

He does not understand, I believe that people make fun of things they do not understand or are afraid of. Best bet is to sit and talk with him not get defensive when he cuts, if that doesn't work bring in a professional you both trust not. After that I think it is fair to discuss a future apart, either way good luck! Thinking of those kids.

Haven't read this thread....but here's my two cents.

Love...is a choice. The "in love" stuff....meh. Comes and goes. If you love someone - you make a CHOICE to love that person. So you can choose to let your marriage dissolve or you can choose to love him and make it work. What's your choice gonna be?

I'm turning to you MFP, for advice. I've met so many wonderful people on this site...so I think I can trust your advice.

I am 23 years old.
My husband and I have been together for 3 years. Been married for just over a year.

I used to be a very spiritual person before I met him, but turned my back on it. (I am an eclectic pagan) I also used to be really passionate about certain political and ethical things. But again, I turned my back on it.
Within the past year I have found a lot of my faith and beliefs again.

This is affecting our marriage. We don't see eye to eye anymore. I love him, however I really don't think I'm "in" love. I feel like it might be time to move on.
But how do I even do that? We have two children together. I'm afraid my children will hate me for leaving their father.

From my experience, the feeling of love in marriage is something that waxes and wanes. If you want the flame, you have to nourish it, when it is ebbing low. Infatuation is what doesn't last, whereas real love demands sacrifice.

And that is where paganism creates a problem. Paganism is all about how you master things, not about how you make sacrifices for the sake of others. Paganism doesn't encourage you to suck it up for the greater good of your loved ones. Paganism is about using spells to make things go your way. I can see how your "spiritual path" can be causing problem. What you believe matters.

Another factor is your youth. Of course you are going to change, you are only in your early 20ies. But this does not mean that you need to break up? How many men are you going to go through in your lifetime, if you leave them all on a whim? How many fatherless children? You might lack the maturity that it takes to keep your marriage together, but this is something that you can acquire with a will and a way.

And what makes you think that there is something better out there? The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, but that is no excuse not to cultivate your own garden.

So, no, I don't think you should leave. Your kids need a father, and if your husband is a good one, you've got it made. Why go look for trouble? Misery will find you for sure if you go looking for it.