Eating Disorder Recovery (A Different Sort of Success Story)

See this photo? It’s me.

No, I'm not a model. I'm not terribly skinny, but I'm not terribly fat. I'm not extraordinarily beautiful, and my hair doesn't always lay flat. In fact, in terms of looks, I'm pretty darn average. This is the first photo I've ever shared publicly in association with my eating disorder, and I'm posting it for a very specific reason: I want you all to see my smile. Why? Because this is the first photo in months, maybe even a year, that honestly captured a genuine smile.

Want to know why? I'm now over two months into recovery for my eating disorder, and I am honestly so genuinely happy that I wanted to share.

Looking at this photo, you wouldn't know that just a few months ago I was eating too few calories per day to function. My hair was falling out, my body couldn't heal itself, I was failing my classes, and I hated everyone, most of all myself. Every morning was a struggle to shower without passing out, and every night was a fight to stay awake long enough to do even a tiny bit of homework. I was miserable, and despite the fact that my disorder was born of an obsession with control, I had zero control over my own life.

I won't lie: the past two months haven't been easy. In fact, they've been downright challenging. I've cried myself to sleep, spent hours alone staring at food, and sworn I'd give up on recovery a thousand times over. The number of bagels I've eaten is astonishing, if not terrifying, and I've eaten more almonds in two months than most people will in their entire life. I've been grouchy, bloated, and so moody you'd've thought I was pregnant.

But you know what else I've been? Myself. I'm slowly rediscovering the person I was before I let this manipulative, mean, lying voice in my head take over my entire life. This girl loves Nutella, and baking, and cuddling without worrying if her stomach has a roll. She likes back rubs and bikinis and bacon, strapless dresses and sundaes and sleeping naked. So she doesn't wear a 00 or have a BMI below 20 - that's okay! There's so much more to life than counting calories or staring at numbers on a scale, and she's starting to understand that.

Is she perfect? Hell no, and she never will be... and that's okay. There are good days and there are bad days, but the grass truly is greener over here. Recovery is hard, but it's so, so worth it. You only get out of it what you put into it, and I can honestly say I've given it 110% of my effort. You know what else can be said? The grass is greener where you water it. Sure, putting enough food in my mouth each day is half the battle, but the more challenging battle is against myself and this liar who's taken up residence in my head. I'm having to rewrite the script of my daily thoughts, and undoing years of negative self-talk is no easy task. That said, I am already a hundred times happier than I was two months ago. Two months certainly isn't far into the recovery process, and I know I have a great ways left to go. That being said, taking that first step towards recovery is the best decision I've ever made, and I can only wish the same for everyone else, whether you struggle with an eating disorder or are simply trying to get a handle on loving yourself and moving in the right direction with your health habits.

I wish for each of you that you may learn to love yourself and have the courage to seek help with whatever you need. Rest assured in the fact that you are stronger than you realize. Do not be too proud to ask for help, and know that you are loved.

Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need.
-Khalil Gibran